Becoming a stepparent is part of the package deal when you marry a man with kids in tow. But before visions of the Brady Bunch dance in your head, you should know that the road to harmonious blending takes more effort than a 22-minute sitcom.

The best intentions to forge a bond with your new stepchildren can be met with heartache, discouragement and bitterness. Don’t expect a lot of warm, fuzzy feelings in the beginning. Start slowly and pursue a relationship based on friendship with your new stepchildren. Be genuine and honest. If you express how great your relationship is going to be and how perfect the children are, chances are they’ll think you’re a phony. Children, especially younger ones, may still be hurting over the divorce and may not be ready to accept you.

"Everyone accepts the fact that there is a courting period between the two adults who plan to marry, but rarely acknowledge that there must be a similar adjustment period dedicated to getting to know the children," says Jann Blackstone-Ford, author of My Parents Are Divorced, Too (Magination, 1998) and director of Bonus Families, a nonprofit organization dedicated to peaceful coexistence between divorced parents and their new families.

Take the initiative to get to know your stepchildren in a deeper way. "Look for ways that your presence will enhance the life of the child," says Dr. Richard Horowitz, a parenting coach and stepfather practicing in Flemington, N.J. Inquire about their hobbies and special interests, and get involved with them. Children must have a sense that you are genuinely interested in them and not just because you're married to their father.

I've Tried Everything and They Still Hate Me!
Although easier said than done, don't take the animosity your stepchildren may have toward you to heart. "It's not personal. It's that children almost always want their parents to be together, and they don't want you to fill the mom role," says Marilyn J. Sorenson, Ph.D., clinical psychologist and author of The Personal Workbook for Breaking the Chain of Low Self-Esteem (Wolf Publishing, 2002).

There are many different reasons why your stepchildren may not be responding to your efforts. If you were married shortly after the divorce, a child may not be ready to accept the reality that his biological parents are no longer married. Instead of blaming the remarrying parent, he may make you the target of resentment.

Another possible reason is the sympathy factor. Children may respond to their biological mother’s hurt over the divorce, sympathize with her feelings and begin to harbor resentment, especially if the biological mom is passing on negative comments about you. Resist the temptation to badmouth the biological mom, even in your own defense.

Blackstone-Ford counsels stepmothers in this situation to remain calm. "Anger and hurt is ruling everyone's judgment, not logic," says Blackstone-Ford. "The goal is always to put aside your own feelings and do what will make the kids more comfortable."

Tricia Smith*, a stepmom living near Atlanta, Ga., says her wonderful relationship with her stepson is the result of the friendship they share. "I think he knows he can come to me anytime, for whatever reason, and I'll be there," says Smith. A birthday card she recently received from her stepson affirmed how much he does care.

"The card had a story about the ‘Unwicked Stepmother’ and how nice she was,” says Smith. "Then he wrote, ‘Thank you for being such a great stepmom.’”

When There's a New Baby
In some families, a new baby will bring an already strained relationship between stepparent and child to the breaking point. Tina Marin*, a stepmom living near Philadelphia, Pa., experienced this when her stepson was only 2 years old. When she was pregnant, her stepson – who had previously been easygoing and sweet – suddenly became angry and rejected her. Matters grew worse when the baby was born.

"He would hit and bite the baby. I couldn't leave the two of them alone in the same room," says Marin. Tina's whole family, including the biological mom, sought professional help from a trusted counselor.

Through counseling, many truths were revealed, including the biological mother's fear that she was being replaced. Unfortunately, her fears came in the form of verbal negativity that she shared with her son. The stepson thought he was "being replaced" because of the new baby. Therapy was an eye opening experience for the adults, and they are now getting along fine. "It was like the adults first had to get their act together before my stepson could adjust," says Marin.

Yours, Mine and Ours
Whether your stepchildren make your home their primary residence or are there only on weekends, holidays and vacations, you will need a set of ground rules to keep your family running smoothly.

"The key to bonding in blended-family situations is to be proactive. Think ahead, plan and anticipate what obstacles there will be and how you will overcome them," suggests Horowitz. Discuss with your husband how the two of you will discipline. Lay out the ground rules during a family meeting that includes your stepchildren. If you have children of your own, be sure to include them, too.

"Be consistent in applying discipline to your own children and to your stepchildren," advises Sorensen. Encourage your own children to show respect toward their stepsiblings. Watch them play. Are your children sharing their toys with their new siblings? Are they including them in the games they play? Don't force the bonding between the new siblings. Instead, play board games or have family outings where everyone is participating in some activity and sharing the day together.

"The ultimate goal is to become a 'bonus family,' in which everyone feels appreciated for who they are, even if they are not biologically related to everyone in the family," says Blackstone-Ford.

* Names have been changed to protect privacy.

Want to see more?

• You're Not My Father! Helping Teens Adjust to New Stepfamilies
• Wedding Bell Blues: Teens Share Their Thoughts on Marriage and Divorce
• Successful Stepparenting: Ten Steps
• Talk about it!