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Expert Q&A

	By Elizabeth Pantley Child Behavior Expert Better Beginnings, Inc.

How do I get my 11-year-old and my 5-year-old to stop fighting every minute of the day? They fight over everything. And I mean everything!

Most of us brought our second baby home from the hospital along with visions of our children becoming life-long friends. (Some of us even had a second child specifically so that our first would have a playmate!) When our children fight, it not only grates on our nerves, it tugs on our hearts. The most important advice I can give you is: calm down and relax. Keep a level head and view your kidsĠarguments in a realistic way. The fight over the red Lego TM, as intense as it may seem, will be over and forgotten by the time one of them realizes he needs a blue one! Kids fight for lots of reasons. They fight because they donŴ want to share, because they want parental attention, because they each have a differing view about whatų fair, or simply because they have to share the same space, day after day after day. The vast majority of sibling battles are not destructive to the relationship between the children. All this considered, there are ways to survive sibling fighting. And there are ways to reduce the number of fights, and the severity of them, as well.

Take away the audience:
Itų a proven fact. Kids will fight longer, louder and with more enthusiasm when they have an audience. Usually, itų because they hope youŬl step in and solve the problem. (You can sometimes tell that this is happening because your sonų comments are directed at his sister, but his eyes are on you!) Therefore, it stands to reason that if you leave the room, they will have to solve the problem themselves. A large amount of verbal battles will fizzle out without a parentų interference. If you think about it, youŬl really love this solution. It gives you permission to follow the essence of the advice from a particularly appealing bumper sticker IŶe seen, ôWhen the going gets tough, the tough go shoppingö.

Identify and solve the problems:
Try to identify if there is a pattern to the kidsĠfights. Do they typically fight over one thing, say the computer, or choice of TV shows? If so, make a schedule for computer or TV use. Do they always fight while youŲe making dinner? You could enlist their help in preparing the meal, feed them a healthy snack, or have a routine activity planned during that time, such as homework or chores. Do they always fight over who sits where at the table, or in the car? Assign specific seats and rotate them monthly. Do they fight while they are getting ready for bed in the evening? Let them take turns using the bathroom, one at a time, for a specified time period. The idea here is to identify the ôhot spotsö between your children and create a plan to prevent the problem from continually causing arguments.

Teach:
Teach your children how to negotiate and compromise with each other. Have both children sit on a sofa at opposite ends, or on two adjacent chairs. Give them a choice. Tell them you will ôarbitrate or mediate.ö Of course, they will ask what you mean. Let them know that ôarbitrateö means you make the decision and they will live with it, ômediateö means they will make the decision, and you will help them come to the best conclusion. Over time, and with practice, they will learn how to settle arguments on their own.

Distract:
If the argument is over a trivial issue, you can often defuse the tension with humor, or distract the kids with another activity. For example, if one kid is complaining that his brother is ôlooking at him funny,ö there is no sensible reason for you to intervene. Instead, ignore it and ask who would like to help you make brownies. Or, try humor. ôOh no! I once read about a boy who made a face like that and it froze in place. They had to mash up his food so he could sip his squashed pizza through a straw. He had such a hard time eating that he lost so much weight the cat thought he was a piece of string and batted him around the kitchen.ö

Have them sit and think:
Have both children sit on a sofa at opposite ends, or on two adjacent chairs. Tell them they may get up when they have resolved the issue. At first you may have to mediate and guide the resolution. Over time they will learn how to negotiate and compromise on their own.

Time Out:
When two children are physically fighting, immediately separate them into different rooms for a cooling off period. When they have both calmed down, sit them at the table together and arbitrate a discussion between them until the issue is resolved.

Praise good behavior:
It happens. The kids are playing together nicely. ôOh, good,ö you think, ôIŬl have time to catch up on my paperwork.ö As tempting as it is, donŴ ignore your children when they are getting along well! This is the time to show up with a plate of cookies and a kind word of praise. Reward the behavior that you wish to have repeated, and youŬl see more of it.

Special Note: If your children have frequent intense battles, it is a symptom of a much bigger problem. It would be wise to seek the advice of a family counselor or therapist. You may be able to find an appropriate specialist through your church, school, physician or local hospital. This is a difficult issue to resolve on your own. DonŴ be afraid to ask for help. Asking for help is a sign that you really care about your children and their relationship with each other.

(Excerpted with permission by NTC/Contemporary Publishing Group Inc. from Perfect Parenting, The Dictionary of 1,000 Parenting Tips by Elizabeth Pantley, copyright 1999)

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