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Expert Q&A

	By Kate Cohen-Posey Therapist

I have a 14-year-old daughter who is starting to hang around with angry kids, and she recently lied about her friend's parents being home during a party. Do we tell her she can't hang out with these kids, ground her permanently or move away?

So far you've done exactly the right thing. You stuck by your rule, checked out the situation and did not let her stay. You might tell her it is fine for her to be angry, but that she will not go anywhere or use the phone until she can act friendly toward you. You've also set a precedent that you will make sure the rules are being followed.

I do not believe you can really restrict her from seeing these friends unless you are willing to play the role of a detective or if you work at her school where you know exactly what she is doing. I would keep the door open, meet her friends, find their redeeming features (which may be hard), gossip with her about what is going on with her friends, etc. Girls change friends frequently, get into fights with each other, form in-groups and out-groups and more, so there should be plenty to talk about.

When she goes out, just make sure to get a home phone number and not a cell phone. If she says the family only has a cell phone, get an address and let your daughter know you will check and that there will be restrictions when she is not where she says she will be. Sympathize with her anger and tell her you know it's hard for her to live with your rules when the friends she chooses have different house rules.

When my daughter was in the ninth grade it used to hurt when she said, "Nobody else's parents are like you." She still said it in the 11th grade, and I actually felt proud when I'd reply, "I know I'm raising you differently than many of your friend's parents.""

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