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Expert Q&A

	By Adolph Brown Psychologist

I have a two daughters, a 9-year-old and a 6 1/2-year-old. The 9-year-old constantly picks on her younger sister. How can I help the older one to stop and help the little one to stand up for herself more?

Sibling picking is a common problem that can respond well to reverse psychology. Set up a system where whomever is picked on earns a "victims payment point." Points can add up to rewards that have special value. This turns the situation around. When a child gets picked on, he or she can say, "Thank you for helping me earn points toward that video game I've been wanting." When parents see the picking it is easy to award points. Children can still earn points when parents are not present by describing something they did to defuse tension. They need to focus on what they did to help, not on what others did to hurt.

Parents can also learn many techniques from How to Handle Bullies, Teasers and other Meanies and model them for their children. "You're really trying hard to upset your sister, I hope you don't get too exhausted," is a good oneliner. Then if things get too vicious, parents can build in a time-out by saying, "You've been working so hard at upsetting her that I think you deserve a rest in your room." Sometimes you can break things up with a light-hearted, "Are you two having a lovers quarrel again?"

Be careful of teaching young children to "stand up for themselves" with statements like, "Stop doing that." or "I don't like that." Often this lets bullies know they have hit a sore spot and they will become more vicious. It is much better to defuse cruelty by taking it as a compliment (saying thank you), asking questions (Are you having a bad day?) or making funny comments (You say that as if it's a bad thing!). Read Bullies andTeasers or other similar books with young children to give them this verbal agility and flexibility. The younger you start teaching children this, the more receptive they will be, but children of any age can learn.

Very often, picking is two-sided and parents miss seeing what the other child is doing that contributes to cruel behavior. It is always important to check that out by asking the "bully" questions such as, "I know youwouldn't be acting like that unless something was upsetting you.... Do youwant to tell me now or do you need time to think about it in your room?" But also keep in mind that parents don't have to intervene every time. Sometimes it is good to just observe and see how kids work it out.

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