Stephanie's Diary Entries Diary Navigation: Choose A Diary Entry -------------------- Latest Entry: 5/18/04 -------------------- 4/26/04 3/16/04 1/15/04 12/12/03 11/24/03 10/14/03 9/3/03 8/20/03 8/6/03 8/5/03 7/14/03 6/11/03 6/10/03 5/6/03 4/24/03 4/18/03 4/8/03 3/21/03 2/26/03 2/4/03 1/27/03 1/16/03 1/14/03 12/30/02 12/14/02 12/8/02 11/28/02 11/11/02 11/4/02 10/7/02 9/27/02 3/6/02 1/1/01 -------------------- Stephanie's Introduction

December 14, 2002

During a recent conversation with my friend, I was confronted (for lack of a better word) by her friend regarding a fertility issue. While I let it pass at the time without further comment, I feel the need to say something here.

We were discussing the lack of health insurance coverage available to women with fertility issues and the obscene amounts of money required to become a parent when medical intervention is required. *Jane said to me, "what do you know about being infertile, you have three children." And she's right, she's absolutely right. I am so sorry that people have to deal with infertility on any level and in no way do I want to diminish the feelings of pain, anger and hurt that you carry because of it.

As I said and will continue to say, I know nothing of the pain and longing to have a child and being unable to conceive, but I do know this.

I know how it feels to become pregnant with your first baby and be so excited that you cannot stand it, then to bleed for no reason and have a Dr. tell you that you are fine, to be poked and prodded and reassured that there is nothing is wrong, to have three ultrasounds and each time be able to see the wonder of a beating heart, to continue to bleed and then, suddenly, at 10 weeks to miscarry your child while all alone, in a toilet, in the middle of the night and be told by some tired, disinterested Dr. to "gather it up in a container and bring it in for examination."

I know how it feels to have a healthy daughter.

I know how it feels to become pregnant again and to once again be excited, not just because you are able to witness another miracle, but because you are also making your first child a big sister. I know how it feels to have another little baby again growing inside your womb, to feel the first kicks and rolls and listen to the heartbeat. I also know how it feels to be told at your 20 week ultrasound appointment that your baby has no heartbeat, to have your labor induced at 20 weeks and tolerate the doctors and nurses asking the required repetitive painful questions, having the drugs that you know will make you part with your baby to soon being pumped into you for 18 hours, to be told that you had a little boy, the only one that you will ever have, to have to hold him and say goodbye when you are just saying hello. I know how it feels to look into his little face and see the umbilical cord wrapped around his tiny neck and know that it choked the life from his perfect little body. I know how it feels to have blood clots the size of oranges passing out of your vagina, the cold of the hallway as you're being rushed to the operating room for an emergency D & C, the smell of the plastic as the mask is placed on your face to render you unconscious for the procedure, the sound of your own screams waking you in the night from the morphine induced imaginary spiders crawling on your body. I know how it feels to walk from the hospital with a hole in your heart, empty arms and an empty womb, how it feels to come home to people who don't know what to say or to the many well meaning people who say the wrong thing, to an adorable little girl who wants to know where her baby Jake is and when is he coming home. I know how it feels to have to explain to an innocent child the circle of life and the death of her brother, to have to make arrangements with the funeral home for your baby, to fight with the County to change his death certificate because they got his date of death wrong and incorrectly listed that I smoked cigarettes while pregnant.

I know how it feels to have another beautiful healthy little girl.

I know how it feels to become pregnant again, to once again feel the joy and the excitement and to once again miscarry another baby. I know how it feels to hide my feelings and my sadness and my tears from my little girls so that they won't know what we have lost yet again.

And again I know how it feels to have another beautiful healthy little girl.

But what I wanted to say, what I should have said, what my heart was screaming but my head couldn't bring my mouth to say was *Jane, I don't know the pain of infertility and I really hope that you are blessed with many babies, but more importantly, I hope that you never know some of the things that I do.

One last little note, I know how blessed I am to have my little beauties, I truly do and I love them more than words can express. I no longer dwell on what I don't have, but treasure what I do, if my first three pregnancies had brought me three healthy babies, there would be no Kimmi or Mackenna and that I could not imagine.

So after some soul searching and consulting with a friend of mine (thanks Aimee), the reason that I decided to post this was for awareness, you don't know what other paths people have traveled in their quest for Motherhood and things may not always be what they seem.

Stephanie

*name changed