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July 28, 2003
July 28, 2004
I think most of you know by now that I unfortunately miscarried last week. While our family is obviously sad and disappointed, we are doing very well and trusting in God. The following are various e-mails I sent out last week, which will better explain what happened.
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TUESDAY, July 20, 2004: Last night when I went to the restroom, I noticed a small smear of blood in my undies. I was pretty shocked, as I never, ever had any spotting with Aidan. I know it's "normal", but that didn't make me feel any better. A little while later, same thing. I tried calling a couple of the midwives I had interviewed, but neither of them answered the phone or returned my phone calls. This is when it REALLY sucks not to have a caregiver yet. Grrrr.
Anyhow, we decided that since there was NO WAY I was going to be able to sleep, we would go to the ER and see if anything was wrong. Long story short, after TWO internal exams, very uncomfortable bloodwork (they put in one of those lines that they leave in, in case they need to take more blood or give fluids. I HATE THEM!!!!!) and a sonogram we learned that my Beta/HCG levels are very low for where I should be in my pregnancy. My stomach just DROPPED when the nurse (who was very kind throughout the evening) gave me this news.
I looked it up, and the average levels for someone 24 DPO (which is about where I am) is 2637, with a typical range of 540-10,000. Mine was 260, which is closer to the average number for someone 18DPO. Not good.
They also couldn't see anything on the sonogram. We expected this, as it's so early and you wouldn't be able to see much at this point. Still, not being able to see anything isn't very encouraging in my mind.
So, we don't really know what's going on at this point. I could be starting to miscarry. The fertilized egg could have never really
developed past a certain point. I COULD have my dates wrong ... but I highly doubt that, since I was charting and I'm pretty sure I know when I ovulated and conceived. We just don't know at this point. Honestly though, I don't think things look good.
I'm going to have my Beta/HCG levels checked again in a couple of days. I think
we'll know more definitively what's going on then, depending on whether my numbers have gone up or down. I'm also supposed to have an
"official" sonogram done next week. If my numbers are inconclusive and nothing else has happened between now and then, I'll have it done. If my numbers are dropping, I don't know if I will. We'll see.
I'll keep you guys posted and let you know if anything happens. I'm feeling o.k., and taking it very easy. Keep us in your prayers.
WEDNESDAY, July 21, 2004: "Playing the waiting game" ... I just wanted to let you know that I'm doing fine. I haven't felt like talking on the phone much, so please forgive my lack of phone calls. I've felt rather flu-like today, but it's hard to tell whether that's b/c I didn't fall asleep until after 3 am last night and have been in bed or on the couch so much these past few days, or if there's something else going on.
Right now, we're just playing the waiting game. I went in to see one of the midwives I interviewed earlier this spring just now and had my blood drawn again. I'll get the results of that sometime tomorrow. I think we'll have a much better idea as to what is going on at that point. If my numbers have doubled, then that's a very good sign. If they've dropped, then more than likely there was/is a blighted ovum and we'll just wait and hope that something happens on it's own. If they stay the same, then there's a possibility of an ectopic pregnancy, but that's not very likely, especially b/c I'm not in any pain and don't have a fever or anything like that.
I spotted again a bit last night and a little bit this morning. I guess this is all normal, or CAN be, but the fact that this didn't ever happen with Aidan is what makes me sceptical. Like I said, we just have to wait and see what happens.
I'm trying to take it as easy as I can ... and the house is certainly suffering for it. Toby's doing as much as he can, but he still has to work and watching Aidan on top of all that isn't easy. He's been fantastic, though. I'll try and get a few easy chores done today, if I can.
So, tomorrow we'll get the results back from today's blood work and if necessary, I'll have another one done on Friday. That way we can see a pattern. I'm telling you, getting all this blood work has NOT been fun. I'm no chicken and I don't mind needles, but I'm bruised from all the poking and prodding. Even the "poke" from the midwife, who did a great job, is sore already. They put in an IV on Monday at the ER, and while it was a "good vein", the guy put it in close to the crook of my arm, so not only could I feel the tube in my arm, but I couldn't bend my arm. It was disgusting, and really uncomfortable. I kept thinking "If I were actually admitted to the Hospital, and was expected to keep this thing in my arm, I would go NUTS. And probably take the thing out on my own!!" (I'm not joking, btw. The thing was horrid.) These guys are all making a Homebirth look better and better, I'm telling you. Needles and tubes and exams and everything else related to the Hospital is looking more and more yucky as time goes on. Blech.
THURSDAY, July 22, 2004: I wanted to let you know that I got my numbers back from yesterday's bloodwork, and they have dropped. Not a lot, but they were low the first time anyhow. On monday, they were at 260, and now they are at 216. So, I'll go in again tomorrow and have it done one more time. The midwife who did the bloodwork recommended that I go ahead with the sonogram the ER referred me to, so I'll do that next week sometime.
None of the midwifes I would like to see are covered by insurance, or at least it's too big of a hassle for something like this, so I'm going to try and find a good local OB and see if I can't see them sometime, just in case I happen to need a D&C or something like that. I was given a list of names to go off of, so hopefully I'll be able to get in somewhere.
I'm doing o.k. about the whole thing. I wasn't holding out too much hope, and have had the last couple of days to deal with things and prepare for this news, which I was expecting. Honestly, the most disappointing part is that I was really looking forward to having a big belly at Christmas-time (especially b/c we're going to Hawaii and I could have shown it off a bit). And I wanted to have a spring baby, like Aidan was.
I'll continue to keep you posted. Thank you guys SO much for all your words of kindness and encouragement. It's been sooo helpful and meaningful to know you have been thinking of me and praying for me, and keeping your fingers crossed. I love you guys!!
LATER THAT DAY ... I've started bleeding more ... more like a period than before. I'm actually happy to see that, as I hope it means my body is taking care of things on it's own, and I won't need any medical interventions. The thought of having a D&C freaks me out.
I don't know if you felt this way, but Toby and I were talking this afternoon and we feel like having Aidan here has made us both really, really happy and really sad too. I've always called him my "healing balm" ... ie, when something bad happens he always makes me feel better. But seeing him also make us sad b/c we know that we've lost someone who would have been just as special to us.
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That's it for the e-mails I wrote last week. As for this week, the bleeding that started last week has slowed down a great deal. It never got to the point where I was worried, but I definitely kept an eye out for excessive bleeding, just in case. At this point, I have decided that a second sonogram is unnecessary, and won't have it done unless I continue to bleed for longer than one more week. I continue to feel great, emotionally and physically. I shared with Toby that in some ways I feel like I have come out of a fog, as I was SO tired and rather spacy feeling when I was pg. While I would obviously rather be pg, I feel MUCH better right now than I had for the last month.
As I mentioned in my e-mails, I felt on a number of occasions last week that although I plan on using a midwife when I am pg, it would have been VERY helpful to have an OB as well. I put out an inquiry on the neighborhood yahoo group, and I believe I have found a really great OB here in Brooklyn. She comes HIGHLY recommended, even by a couple of the midwives I've spoken with, and I plan to schedule an interview with her in the near future. From what I can tell, she sounds fantastic.
So, we're back on the TTC wagon again. After doing some soul-searching, and talking with other women who have had early miscarriages, Toby and I both feel that there is no need to wait to try again. The only thing we're going to change is that I'm NOT going to chart for a while. While it was helpful at times, it was also VERY stressful, and Toby shared that it didn't bless him in the slightest to have me on such a roller coaster of emotions simply b/c my temp went up or down on a particular day. And I agree ... I didn't enjoy it at all. I know about when I ovulate normally, and I know when I've waited long enough to take a HPT. At this point, that's all we need to know. The rest is up to God, and we are resting peacefully in His perfect plan for us and our family.
Thank you again for the many kind words and messages of encouragement this past week. It was very meaningful to me to know that I have friends here who truly care about our family. You ladies are the best, and I don't know what I would do without you. God bless all of you!
With Much Love,
Rebekah and Aidan
P.S. The following is a song that has been very meaningful to me, especially in this past week ...
Blessed Be Your Name
by Matt Redman
"Blessed Be Your Name
In the land that is plentiful
Where your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be your name
Blessed Be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed Be Your name
Every blessing you pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name
Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name
You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord Blessed be your name"
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