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June 3, 2004
I want to join the Worry-Free Pregnancy Club. I think it’d be nice.
I am, yet again, feeling like I am surrounded by pregnant women. It’s an odd thing. When we were trying to get pregnant the first time, I felt happy for my friends when they would announce their pregnancies (some friends announcing 2 different pregnancies in the time it took us to get one), but of course felt left out and sorry for myself that I was not yet pregnant. One would think that this type of feeling would go away after having a healthy baby. And it does...to some extent.
Lately, however, it’s no longer the, “Oh, I wish I could be pregnant” feelings that I have, but the fact that I wistfully long for the circumstances to be pregnant and just worry about the normal pregnancy issues...whether or not to find out the baby’s sex, what color to paint the nursery, how to prepare for baby’s arrival. I miss the days when there would never have been a thought in my mind that a pregnancy wouldn’t work out. I look at my pregnant friends right now, and I wish I could feel that confident about a pregnancy. It’s kind of hard to put into words, the way I feel. I’ll give an example. Last weekend. I was scrapping with three friends. All four of us had our first children between Jan & June of ‘03, and two of them are now pregnant with baby #2. If my recent pregnancy had worked out, I would have been right in there with them, in fact would have been pretty much in the middle of their two due dates. The first thing that I am wistful about is that these were both ‘surprise’ pregnancies for them - one night of carefree passion and they’re knocked up. But, the other part of this is how certain they are, and have been from day one, about their pregnancies. Listening to all the pregnancy talk with such confidence, such a strong sense of knowing everything will work out fine..I miss having that luxury. I certainly don’t begrudge them that - it’s not that kind of envy. It’s more like when you looked at a really smart kid in class and thought, “I wish I could get good grades as easily as him/her,” or when you had a girlfriend who could eat whatever she wanted and still be thin. It’s that kind of a feeling - wanting to experience what someone else has, but not wanting to take it from them. And, unlike before I had Katie, I don’t feel uncomfortable being around them.
And you know, that’s not to say that there are not worries in ‘normal’ pregnancies, or that everyone should have worries like mine (or others’) in their pregnancies - in fact, it’s not something I’d wish on anyone. I also, in fact, know of at least 2 women who are pregnant and worrying because they’ve had pregnancies not work out - and I know there are plenty out there. I feel sorry for anyone who has to worry because of past experiences - it really stinks.
Mind you, I’m not even pregnant right now. We’ve yet to cross that hurdle, which may or may not be an easy one to cross. No, I’ve skipped straight ahead, as usual, to the other part that I have no control over. Does this mean I’m not ready to be pregnant again? I’ve been wondering that a lot. I’ve kind of rushed the idea of getting pregnant again, because I know I’d like another child, and I keep wondering how long it will take before we are able to have one, and, well, the only thing you can do is try. But lately, the more I think about going through this whole getting pregnant process again, the more I think about losing Aaron, and the more upset I get in general. I wonder if I would feel like that regardless of how ready I was to get pregnant.
If Katie is the only child we are blessed with, I am luckier than I ever could have hoped to be. I am aware of this fact every second of every day. That really is the bottom line.
But, the line right above that one is that I’d really like to have another baby, and in my heart I don’t think I’m ready to be done just yet.
There you go - a cleansing kind of rant, I guess.
TTM Questions:
1. If you have an only child, was it by your choice or the way things ended up being? How do you feel about it?
2. Anyone feel anything like I do? Who has a personal experience or knows of someone who has been through this? Any words of wisdom?
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