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May 7, 2005
5.7.05
From the beginning, Matthew was a pretty avid nurser. After Katie never opened wide enough in the hospital to even latch on, I was concerned the same thing would happen with him. No sirree - Matthew had it figured out before we went home and LOVED the breast. He would sometimes nurse for an hour or more. I was the one who didn't enjoy it at first - it made me sore and I felt like I never got to spend any time with my other child. Everyone said to hang in there and that I would feel better in two weeks, and after a month things would really go well. They were right. I felt great after 2 weeks, and by 3 weeks we had a good little rhythm going and I foresaw this keeping up until at least 6 mos. I had my long-term goal in place.
Then, just shy of one month, Matthew for some reason started refusing my breast. We found out he had thrush, so I thought that might be the reason for it. We treated that and I kept working at it. Things got better for a day or two, then they got bad again. We (and the dr.) thought it might be reflux, so we treated him for that and kept working at it. Again, things got better for a copule of days and then got worse.
We went on and on like that for over three weeks now - things get better for a feeding, then they get worse. I saw a consultant who determined that his latch and my supply were okay. I rented a hospital pump. I took herbal supplements. For the first week of the problem, I even resisted the urge to give him a bottle knowing that he would eat when he was hungry, but then he only gained 1/2 of an oz. and it broke my heart.
So, I started trying to nurse him and then pumping/giving a bottle when we weren't successful. And, as of this past Monday, Matthew has FLAT. OUT. REFUSED. to nurse every time I've offered, and this is always accompanied by screaming and crying (sometimes the one crying is me), so I stopped offering. I've been pumping on a schedule, but even with the hospital pump I only get about 2oz. total per session, 4 if I'm really lucky. I've been giving him bottles of 1/2 breastmilk and 1/2 formula, and I'm really not sure how long I want to keep pumping. If I was one of those women who could pump enough to feed a small village, I'd be in it for the long haul. And I know that the BM he's getting is better than nothing, but it's very discouraging to spend all that time tied to a pump (especially when you have a toddler running around the house) and to only get so little.
So, I think we're done. I will keep pumping with a manual pump when I feel full, and give Matthew that milk, but I know the time will come when that well dries out, and I'm okay with it. With Katie, I beat myself up because I KNEW there was more I could have done, and being a first-time mom there is always that pressure to be perfect. This time I had a goal of sticking it out and trying as hard as I could, and I really feel fine about how much I tried. I also know, the second time around, that moms are NOT perfect, so I can't beat myself up over that, either.
I'm disappointed that things didn't work out, especially after such a great start, but I do not feel guilty. Not this time.
But I have to share something that REALLY ticked me off this week! I belong to a posting group called Freecycle (www.freecycle.org), where you post if you have things to give away for free, or are looking for things for free. It's all done by your area, and I've used it to get rid of things I no longer needed. Anyway, I posted on there looking for Good Start formula coupons, and asked my sister to do the same on the site in her area (she lives in NM).
I got coupons, but my sister, she got emails. None of these emails were offering coupons, and at least two of them are what I have heard other people refer to as 'drive-bys' - people offering unsolicited parenting advice in an often hurtful, overly-critical manner. Rather than not emailing because they didn't have what my sister was looking for (which is how the site works - if you have it you email, if not you don't), she got emails that bluntly said, "YOUR SISTER SHOULD BE BREASTFEEDING!"
Okay, first of all, YA THINK?! There is pretty much not a woman of child-bearing age out there who doesn't know that breastmilk is ideal.
But secondly, what IS it about the Internet that makes people feel the need to say things they would NEVER say to a person's face? Okay, I know what it is, but still, WHY do people do it? I guess I don't know if these people would have said that to my face or not - further proof that we are not on an 'offer criticism' basis with each other - but really, they know nothing about my situation. They don't know that I've been trying to work this out and have exhausted my resources. I'm sure there are people out there who could think of more that could be done, but I honestly can't - not anything that works for our family, at any rate.
But finally, what angers me the MOST is who they COULD have said that to. They could have said that to someone like any one of my friends - one who had breast cancer and a double mastectomy at 28; one who has M.S. and can't breastfeed because the drugs she takes to help her disease will harm her baby; others who have adopted/are adopting children - there are women out there who are NOT physically able to breastfeed, for any number of reastons. How does it help to make that person feel even worse, and how do you know if you're talking to someone in that situation or not? These people didn't know that. They just went shooting off their mouths (or typing fingers, I guess) without even considering what the situation could be.
Grrr...it gets my blood boiling just writing about it! I had half a mind to ask my sister to give me the emails so that I could reply, but I figured it wouldn't help, and would only be a waste of my time. So, if you're from Albuquerque and YOU sent one of those emails to my sister - then yes, I am talking about you.
But, I think it's also a lesson for the rest of us. How often have I (and I'm sure I'm not alone) been guilty of criticising someone - to a friend, in my head, or even to that person's face - when I have not known the whole story? As a teacher I often very harshly judge people in my head before finding out about the extenuating circumstances - and those make a difference. So, if nothing else, I guess this experience provided a lesson for me.
- Laura
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