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March 19, 2004
I might as well make 2 things public:
1) I'm pregnant
2) I'm miscarrying
The weirdest thing happened last Thursday. I got a positive hpt. This was after getting a second line just a week before but watching it literally vanish before my eyes in minutes, then taking a series of unrelated pregnancy tests to have them all come up negative throughout the week, until the last one.
Stunned that Chris and I had managed to conceive without the help of doctors and lab technicians, I went of to Dr. C. for my blood hCG test. It was 15 on Thurs., so low that we couldn't tell if it was on its way up or down. I went in Friday and it was up to 25, so this was a good sign, as the levels should generally double every 48 hrs. and this almost doubled in 24. I started feeling sick, and thought that things MUST be going well.
Fast forward to two days ago, Tuesday, when I went in for another blood test. According to the whole 2 day doubling rule, I should have been up to about 100 by then, but instead was only at 34. I cried, I wallowed, I ate chocolate, complained, cried some more...and came to terms with it. Did I want to miscarry? No. Would I rather have a normal, healthy pregnancy and get lucky again like with did with Katie? YES. But, going into a pregnancy knowing you have a 50/50 chance gives you a bit more, I don't know, warning, I guess, that things may very well n to work out the way you wanted them to. It sucks, but that's the way it is. I am sad about it, but have been trying to make my peace with it. What else can I do?
I started spotting last night, and it has gotten progressively worse through the day. At only 5 weeks or so, I expect this miscarriage to be like a heavy period. But then today I went in for YET ANOTHER blood hCG, and, lo and behold, it has doubled in 2 days and is now up to 60.
My dr. says that things aren't over just yet, but I know they are. I guess it sounds like I'm being a pessimist here. Don't get me wrong, I will be the MOST excited of anyone if this works out, but given the spotting and the low numbers, weird test results, etc...I am not putting my money on this horse just yet. And I'm just so tired of not knowing what's going on - I keep ending up on these emotional roller coasters and it is really very exhausting.
Thankfully, Katie is a wonderful distraction. Did I mention how much I LOVE this girl? She truly is our little miracle. Right now is such a fun stage. She turned 13 mos. old yesterday, and her latest thing is helping us sing. When I sing "Jesus Loves Me" and get to the chorus, every time there's the word "Yes," I stop and she pipes in with it! Same with "If You're Happy and You Know It," she likes to say "Happy" and does it at the right time! Too funny! She also started saying our dog, Ocho's name. She walked around tonight saying, "Hi, Chocho" literally about 15 times, first talking to the dog herself, then to her 2 stuffed dogs. It really does amaze me how much babies understand at this age. It's so hard to realize because of course they can't tell us what they know/understand all the time...and then they start doing these things and you remember what little sponges they are. Amazing, really amazing.
That's all from here...Will post more news, one way or the other, when I know it.
Take care,
Laura
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