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October 10, 2002
First of all thank you, thank you, thank you for everyone that posted to my TTM board about my last entry. You just don’t know how much better that made me feel!!! I don’t know how many times I go back and forth on keeping a diary here and you guys just confirmed part of the reasons why I should stay. I’m concerned sometimes about making myself vulnerable and putting it all out there for everyone to see. But, in this case I’m glad I did.
This entry is going to be devoted to anyone out there who is still trying to be a Mommy. It’s going to be long, but it’s been something on my mind. I have recently been moved by some of the other diary writers from the Preconception board. Some of them feel left out from this site since so much of it is devoted to babies and Mothers. Well, let me just go back a few years….
When DH and I met 9 yrs ago; we met at church and pretty much feel in love at the start. I think we said “I Love You” after only dating for a week! Our first date was actually Oct 16, 1993. It’s almost our anniversary – but I digress…
We had a pretty short courtship (3 months) before we got engaged. It was a dream romance and really everything I had ever hoped for. I still get all tingly thinking back to those early days. We got engaged in January of 1994. We got married on July 9, 1994. So as you can see it was really quick. We really had the same spirit and were soul mates from the start. I felt blessed then and I feel blessed now.
Because of our quick courtship and engagement there wasn’t a lot of time to work out all the issues that we would face. We talked about having children and he never gave me any indication that he didn’t want them. After about the first year of marriage I started thinking about having kids. I had dreamed my entire life of being a Mother and wanted it so badly. After several times of hinting around I finally came right out and asked him when we would start a family (I was 26 at this point), well he informs that the doesn’t know when or if he’ll ever be ready to have children. I was a bit taken back to say the least. What do you mean “not have children?” That did not compute in my brain. I thought you got married, bought a house and had children.
Some time went by and we finally got into the house – the house I thought we would bring our first child home to. And still he didn’t know what to do about having children. He tells me that he never even thought that he would ever get married much less have kids. My DH is a typical computer geek. He went to a mostly guy college and majored in Computer Engineering. He is very shy and he never thought he would get up the nerve to date someone much less get the courage to ask them to marry him (and I’m really glad he found that courage). At the time we really had a great marriage and we were both working and building a life together. I just assumed he needed more time.
Well, everything finally came to head in June of 1997 (I was 29); we had been married for 3 years at this point. I was tired of wondering what would happen. I was tired of all my friends having babies and nothing happening with us. I sick of everyone putting pressure on us to have children. How was I supposed to tell them that my wonderful DH didn’t even know if he wanted children?
I told another diary writer about a story that really sticks out in my head. Another couple that we were very close to at the time and had gotten married on the same day as us, comes over and surprises us with the news that they were having a baby. I was shocked. I really was going to be the last person I knew to have a child (if I was going to have one at all). About 3 wks later my friend and I had gone to a Sunday school ladies party; we rode together. We get to the door and everyone screams when they see her. They literally whisked her away and started talking about the baby. They didn’t even notice me at the door and closed it in my face! That was a terrible moment for me. I knew that if my DH didn’t change him mind I would probably always feel left out. I was really down and decided I had to do something. So you know what I decided to do – nothing.
I finally decided that I had to give it over to God. It was too big for me to handle (this is something I should have done a long time before, but hey I’m not perfect). I had been praying about it all along, but my prayers were very selfish. I made a decision to go back on the pill. I really wanted to show my DH that I was serious about giving him the time he needed to deal with it. And I was so tired of thinking month after month that we could have accidentally gotten pg. Also, I never wanted him to resent me because I had talked him into something. I never wanted him to be woken up by a screaming baby and him roll over and think (or even say), “you get up; you were the one that wanted the baby”. I just didn’t want a family that way. Plus, he was ultimately more important than this baby that we didn’t even have yet.
I think that was at the end of June. I just waited and prayed. By October my DH, completely out of the blue, says he’s been thinking more and more about having a child. We talk about it for the first time in months. He thanked me over and over for taking the pressure off and he decides he really does want a family. He says he just couldn’t picture us with a baby, but he would hate to get to his parents age and not have had a lifetime with our children. So, there it is. My prayers pay off and we’re going to have a baby. Okay, that is just the first step down the path to being a Mother.
I get off the pill and in January of 98 we start trying. At this point I had already read a lot on the subject. I knew how to track my cycles and I felt pretty knowledgeable. I had decided that we had waited this long to start TTC we were coming out of the shoot running. After 6 months of charting, taking OPK’s and having lots of well timed BD, we finally get pg in May. My EDD was 2/10. I was so excited!!!! My dreams were finally coming true. I was going to be a Mother!
Well, on June 29th, my 30th birthday, my Mom takes me out to lunch. When we get back I go to the bathroom and I notice the tiniest bit of blood. I’m worried but I’m almost 10 wks at this point and I just think it’s a fluke. I call the Dr. and they want to do an u/s the next day just to rule out any problems. We get to the u/s and we’re just so excited to be able to see our baby for the first time. We see Laurie (who I end up seeing many, many times over the course of our child bearing adventures) and she has bad news. The baby looks like it died somewhere around 8 wks. I was devastated!!! I cried and cried. I tried to be strong, but my heart was broken. They schedule me for a D&C a few days later on July 1st.
I recovered physically from the surgery pretty quickly. But emotionally it took me longer. I remember sitting at the kitchen table on July 4th. All of our family had come in and we were having a low key celebration. I remember just getting up from the table and running to the other room to sob. My DH came and held me and he prayed over me and I finally made peace with it. I really believe that when the Lord healed my wounded heart. Don’t get me wrong, I still miss that child. I still think about it from time to time, but the pain is less.
We were told to wait 3 cycles before TTC again. I got pg on August 24; the next time I O’d. I still remember it as if it was yesterday. I won’t go into details because that is just not important :o) I got a new EDD of May 17th 1999.
Again I was really excited, but this time more hesitant. We waited a little longer to tell people and I think I was somewhat waiting for the other shoe to drop most of the pregnancy. I know that God would take care of me, He had done it many times before, but I was still nervous.
I still remember going to have an u/s to check the baby when I was 9 wks pg. I was so nervous we were going to get the same news. After Laurie said that everything was fine, I pretty much relaxed from that point on. I just knew things were going to be fine. We did have one scare… I had gone on a business trip with DH to Orlando. He had conferences all day and I was just going to hang out and relax. The second day we were there I went to the bathroom and found gushing blood. It was like a period. I freaked out. It was 5:30 in the morning and I just didn’t know what to do. I called my Dr. in Atlanta and he said to go to the emergency room. We got there around 8 AM and I was just sure I was having another miscarriage. My sister tells me that no matter what don’t let them give me a catheter. So of course the first thing they say is, “we need to give you a catheter”. But, it wasn’t near as bad as my sister said it would be. They took me into to have an u/s and I was just quietly crying. The u/s tech wouldn’t let me see the screen and after about 10 min. she said “I’m not supposed to say anything, but I see a very strong heartbeat and the baby looks fine to me”. I lost it! I really started crying then. I just couldn’t believe it. My baby was fine!!!
The rest of the pg when fine; I LOVED it. I felt great and I really enjoyed every minute of it. To make a long story short, Macy Leigh was born 2 days early and she weighed 8 lbs 6 oz and was just beautiful. It still felt like a dream to me. I remember getting ready for my first baby shower and thinking, this really can’t be happening to me. I felt like I was living another person’s life.
I really can’t put into words what being a Mother has meant to me; there are just not the correct words to describe the feeling. It’s a million times more than I thought it would be. And I guess that why my heart aches so much for women TTC. Especially the women on this board that I’ve gotten to know. I want so badly for them to experience what I have. I guess my only words of encouragement are to just hang in there and keep trying. It really is worth all the money, time, effort, energy, money, heartache, disappointment and trials. I don’t think there’s a Mother on this board that wouldn’t agree with me.
Back to my story… my DH loves being a Daddy and over time he has really grown into the role. I will say that it has taken him a few years to really grow as a Father. He would do anything for those girls and really wants to be a good Daddy to them. I’m so thankful I waited and gave him a chance to feel ready to have children.
I won’t really go into the whole story about us conceiving our second child. Let’s just say it took much longer to get pg and there was just as much heartache and praying involved. I didn’t keep a TTC diary, but I put a lot about our TTC efforts into my pg diary that is still over in the completed section of the PT diaries if anyone is interested.
I don’t really think there anything special about my story. Everyone has there own story and my story is pretty easy compared to what some people go through. I have close friends that have a child via IVF, IUI, adoption, accidents and every other way you could imagine. But, what makes my story unique is that it’s my story. Each of you TTC will write your own story someday. One day when you hold your precious child in your arms for the first time, all the hard work it took to get them here will be worth it.
My neighbors 2 doors down just adopted a baby from Hawaii. We were talking the other day and she told me more about what they went through have a child. She basically said they decided that they would do anything to bring a child into their lives. I admire her courage and her tenacity. I think that’s a lot of what it takes.
When you have a child you lay everything on the line. You open your heart to more joy and pain than you ever thought imaginable. Getting a child here is only the start of that. The entire process makes you vulnerable, anxious, scared, happy, tired, excited and any other emotion you can think of. I just want to say to all you out there waiting to be a Mother to just hang in there. Keep working at it. Read anything you can get your hands on. Don’t be afraid to ask for help or ask questions. You never know who will help with the answers. Don’t be ashamed of your situation, but know that thousands upon thousands of women are in your shoes. It’s not wrong to desire a child. It’s one of God’s greatest blessings. Keep pushing on until you feel like it’s okay to stop. I’m sure there are many women that finally find a peace in not having children and that’s fine for them; that’s their story. But, if you really want a child, keep searching and working towards your goal. But, remember the road can long and hard. Try and keep the faith while you’re traveling down it.
Okay, I think that’s all I have for now :o) I do wish everyone the best that is TTC and for those of us that have children, don’t forget you were once childless yourself. It wasn't that long ago that it was you talking about cycles, charts, temps, OPK's, HPT's, running the bathroom a million times, checking every tinge in your body, feeling your nipples a hundred times to make sure they were sore, crying the first day of your period and eating lots of chocolate when it did come. Have compassion on those that are still trying. Help them to not feel left out and look for ways to encourage and support them.
Take care,
Lara and the 2 lights of life – Macy & Erin!!
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