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October 7, 2002
I hardly even know where to start! I guess I’ll go back a little ways and give some history…
I am not one to battle with depression. I’ve always been pretty upbeat and positive and other than about 3 days before my period, I can find the good in things and the glass is usually half full for me. Well, I would have to say that ever since Erin was born I have been battling with depression. Sometimes I’m fine and then other times I feel like I’m having a hard time making it through the day. My sister has dealt with clinical depression for a while and has to be on medication to control it. I should clarify that I know I’m not clinically depressed. I know there is a difference between what my sister went through and what I’m going through. So, when I use the word “depression”, I just mean I’ve been somewhat depressed or better said, just not myself. I can get up and function throughout the day, I’m not crying all the time, I really don’t feel an overwhelming sense of hopelessness and I’m sleeping fine; which are all symptoms of clinical depression. It’s more that I just can seem to shake these feelings of sadness and frustration.
I feel sad a lot of time. I know this is not something I’ve ever talked about in my diaries and I’m not really sure why I’m sharing this now other than I guess I just need to get it off my chest. And it’s hard to put into words exactly how I’ve been feeling. I have talked to my DH and other family members about it and I do think I know what’s causing it, but that doesn’t seem to help.
And before I even get started with this I want to say that for the most part everything in my life is going fine. I have a great DH, my girls are wonderful, no one has been sick and we are not having financial problems. I know that my life could be worse. And I’m absolutely positive that there will be someone reading this that has it much worse than me. And part of my problem is I know all this in my head, but I’m still struggling.
So onto what I think the reasons are… I think I’ve pin pointed a few of the things that are contributing to how I’ve been feeling. First of all I miss my DH and I feel very disconnected from him. Having children is enough of a strain and then for him to be getting his Masters at this time in our life is really causing a lot of stress in our marriage. Neither of us have the energy to deal with each other. He takes care of his work and school and I take care of the house and kids. We really don’t have the time nor the strength to focus on our marriage. And this really makes me sad. He has always been my best friend and I just didn’t realize how much I relied on him for companionship. I know how to have a good marriage. We’ve been to seminars, we’ve read books, we’ve done Bible Studies, we’ve watched videos and listened to tapes. We have all the right tools, but are not using them. I know we need to spend time together and make each other priority, but right now it’s pretty low on the list. I’ve tried to talk to him until I’m blue in the face and we are just getting no where. The fact remains that there is just no time. And I realize that this sadness creeps up on me when he class on the weekend (which has been a lot lately). He’s in school right now and he has class until Sunday night. And here’s the saddest truth, I’m caring less and less that we aren’t spending much time together. I feel like I’m starting to build walls to protect myself and I can sense it when we are together. Even when we are together we aren’t connecting. So, I’m just concerned about the state our marriage will be in by the time he graduates.
There again, I know there are many positive sides to him getting his degree. This was a decision we made together. I do support him getting his education and I want him to finish. We have invested a lot of time, energy and money into him getting his MBA. He is also doing great! He’s maintaining a 4.0 grade and is learning so much! I don’t fault him or blame him for what’s been going on. I think it’s just the situation we are in. Which is another thing that bothers me; I can’t even be mad at him. He is working so hard and putting in so many hours with work and school. It’s not like he’s off playing golf or hanging out with his friends. And I do feel bad for him; I know he’s not getting enough rest and he’s running himself ragged. I try to do everything I can to help him, but I can only do so much. So, that’s one thing that is contributing to how I’ve been feeling. And I know this situation is temporary, he graduates in May of 2003. So, I’m in a catch 22. I depressed over a situation that I got myself into, I have no one to help me out of it and I have no one to blame. I’m just in it and somehow I have to find a way to deal with it.
Secondly, I know I’m having a hard time adjusting to have a second child. And it’s not Erin that’s difficult; I couldn’t have asked for a better baby. She is wonderful!!! I love her so much and I just think she’s the cutest thing and I’m so thankful for her. She is wonderful part of our family. But, I’m just really tired from all the work it takes (there again, I know there are people out there with 3 or more kids that would laugh if they read this. I know I have it pretty easy compared to some). But, the physical demands are taking their toll on me. It’s not just having 2 kids; it’s everything else as well. It’s the cooking, the cleaning, managing the budget, finding time for myself, church and just life in general. I feel like I’m doing a terrible job managing it all. I’m just not living up my standards. I have always prided myself in how well I manage things and I just feel like it’s all falling apart around me. As I sit here there is not one room of my house that’s really clean. They have been cleaned recently, but they all need to be cleaned again. I’ve tried so many things to get myself organized and I’m always taking 1 step forward and steps backwards. I’m about 70% where I want to be and that’s frustrating! There again, I know it could be worse!
Thirdly, I’m really disgusted with my weight! I feel terrible about myself. I’ve been overweight pretty much since puberty. I have always struggled with eating and my weight. I had lost weight (about 40 lbs) before I got pg with Erin and I just can’t seem to get it off. I’ve been trying to exercise. I’m trying to watch what I eat, but I know since I’ve been depressed I’ve been turning to food. I know what my triggers are; stress and loneliness. I feel like it’s out of control and I can’t get it back on track. It’s fall and I can’t fit into any of my clothes I wore the year before I got pg with Erin. As I sit here typing I hate to admit it, but I’m wearing maternity shorts and a maternity top. How depressing is that????? Granted they are really just loose fitting clothes and you couldn’t tell they were maternity, but I know they are and I hate it!! I have a drawer full of shorts I could wear if I just lost 30 lbs (30 lbs is only a drop in the bucket to the amount of weight I need to lose). And I know all the facts about being overweight. I’ve read and heard it all. I just can’t seem to get my butt in gear!!!!
Okay, I think I’ve gone one long enough about what I’m depressed about. I’m sure I’ll come read this entry later and I’ll realize that this is just not me!
Oh what a difference a weekend makes…
It’s been about 3 days since I wrote that last bit and I am feeling better. I got through another weekend with DH being gone and the weather is much cooler today. That already has me feeling better.
I reserved a table at a scrapbooking store last Friday night I got almost caught up on my scrapbook. I still have the girls’ books to get caught up on, but seeing as I haven’t cropped at all since last May, I think did pretty well. The scrapbook store is awesome! For 12.00 I reserved a table, they brought in dinner and the store was open so I could go and pick out stickers or get whatever I needed. Plus, I had access to their die cuts and ideas. It’s the way to go! I think this will be my treat for the weekends that DH has class. He gets home earlier on those nights since class lets out at 6 PM and the school is only 10 min from the house. That’s the perfect night for me to go. So, hopefully I’ll get caught up and stay caught up.
Speaking of the scrapbook store, I think I ate something there that made me really sick. I would say about 10 min. after I ate dinner I started to not feel well. I was able to get through the night, but by the time I got home I had a terrible upset stomach and horrible heartburn. I took some Advil and a Pepcid AC and finally got to sleep around 2 AM. When I woke up in the morning I felt like I was hit by a freight train. I went from feeling like I could throw up the night before to it moving to the other end by the morning. I was running to the bathroom all morning! I didn’t take Macy to swim lessons and I’m glad I didn’t. Since DH had class, I would have had to take Erin and there’s no way I could have dealt with how I felt and take care of Erin and kept my eye on the pool. I had a babysitter coming at 10 AM because I had to be up at the church by 10:15 to get set up for the Fall Family Festival. I was late getting to the Festival, but I did make it through the afternoon. By the time I got home I was wiped out!
I didn’t take the girls to church on Sunday morning, which is something I never do! I can’t remember the last time I’ve missed church due to illness. I basically laid on the couch all day and took care of the girl in between. I feel so much better today, but my stomach is still pretty sensitive. So, I’m not sure if it was something I ate or if I just caught some stomach bug. Whatever it was, it was horrible and I just assume it not come again!
The yard sale to end all yard sales…
This coming Saturday our neighborhood is having a huge yard sale. We only have them twice a year and you’re not allowed to have yard sales at any other time. And there’s really no reason to this yard will attract hundreds of people. Well, I’m selling almost all my baby stuff. I’ve been pricing clothes and cleaning out closets for weeks. I just can’t believe how much stuff I have to sell. I hope I make a lot of money! I’m going to use a lot of it for Christmas shopping.
I guess I should get a little caught up on the girls…They are doing great! Erin is cutting her two front teeth, which is great since her two front side teeth have come in. Maybe she won’t have fangs on Halloween. She still isn’t crawling, but she has finally gotten up all fours, but she just falls right back down. She may skip the crawling phase all together. She can army crawl and that may be all she wants to do. I started Cheerios this morning and she’s getting the hang of it. She’s also getting pretty good at using her sippy cup. I think about to drop her night time bottle. She usually only eats about 2 oz. anyway, so I really don’t think she’ll miss it. I’m going to try to increase her other 3 bottles to 7 oz instead of 6 and see what she does. If I find that she’s waking up earlier then I’ll know she needed those 2 oz. We shall see.
Macy is doing great! She loves preschool and seems to be learning a lot. I painted her dresser drawers last week and her room is looking so cute. Her room is a long story! But her dresser was painted pastel colors, I bought her a new bed and new bedding and I needed to paint the drawer fronts red to match her new bedding. It turned out cute, but the paint was cheap and didn’t cover well, I’m not sure what I’m going to do to fix it. It’s not that noticeable, but I can tell.
My MIL is going into to see a neurosurgeon today. She has been having trouble with her eyes and has been having them checked for about 2 yrs. Well, they finally think they have found the problem. She has a small aneurism behind her eye on her brain and they want to do an angioplasty on her to see what’s going on. She meets with the Dr. today and I’m just really praying that everything turns out fine. I just really don’t know what I would do if anything happened to her. She is so like a Mother to me and I would just be devastated to not have her here. I just can’t even imagine the whole in my life that would be there. We are all just praying that she is fine and if something is wrong they can fix it easily. I trust that God can heal her!
Well, I better run. I think this is one of the longest entries I’ve done in a long time. I truly don’t expect anyone to read this entire thing (if you do – THANK YOU!).
One more thing before I go… I want to say a BIG CONGRATS to my good friend and fellow diary writer Christina. She just found out she’s pg with #2. WOW!!! I’m still blown away by her news. For those of you don’t know, Christina and I met almost 2 yrs ago when she was TTC her first child. We hit it off right away and ended up pg at the same time. We became fast friends and I’ve really enjoyed getting to know her. She’s such a special person! Well, I’m just so happy for her, Mike and Ethan!
Okay, now I’m leaving :o)
Take care,
Lara w/ Macy & Erin (who’s 8 months old now!!!)
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