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October 28, 2003
October 28, 2003
Nathan 18 ½ months old
Austin EDD Dec 17th 2003
32 weeks pregnant! Yeah, only 7 weeks left!
Getting Real about Staying Home and Losing Weight.....
Kevin and I have been in a fantasy world the last 18 months thinking we can afford for me to stay home with Nathan. I have no idea what to say, think, or do to be honest with you all. Before we even had Nathan we always knew that we really wanted me to stay home with our children until they were all in preschool or school full time. And we thought we took the steps necessary in order to make that happen. We owe thousands of dollars on our credit cards and the majority of that spending as been on necessities over the years and not on luxury items. A big portion of our debt comes from having to use credit cards on items like a washer, dryer, fridge, stove, computer and so forth over the last several years. So that tells me that we can’t afford for me to stay home. I have known this for quite some time but I have been in denial about it. Like ignoring the problem will make it go away. I know better than that. I need to get real about it. The average American family owes $8,000 on credit cards, let’s just say we owe much more than that. I do have to say that actually most of that debt accumulated while we were going through college and so many moves and not since Nathan has been born. That doesn’t make it any better though.
We live in an average home, actually its 100 years old, so I guess it isn’t even average probably. Although I will say, it had a lot of remodeling done to it before we bought it so it is in good condition. We have one newer vehicle (a van that we really needed for all the traveling we have to do because our car would not physically hold two car seats, us and all the stuff we have to pack and take) and one used car that will be paid off in December. Thank goodness for that since Austin will be coming then. So the normal payment we make to our car payment can go to all the expenses that Austin will bring like diapers, wipes, and formula if need be, etc… You get my point. We never go crazy on clothes or fun items for Nathan, Austin, or us.
For the last 18 months I have been telling myself that in 4-5 years when I return to work full time we will be able to pay down our debt considerably. Who am I kidding? By then we could owe a HUGE amount to credit cards, we already do actually. Basically, with what Kevin brings home we can pretty much pay for our bills every month, although it is really tight sometimes. Sometimes we have to use our credit cards until payday. The problem is the unexpected expenses that happen in life, like car or home repair and the endless number of things that can happen. All that goes on our credit cards. We have no savings at all besides the amount in Kevin’s 401 K from work. At this rate we will never pay down our debt, we will only add to it as the years go by.
The solution is very simple; I need to work outside of the home. I have considered having a daycare in my home because that would bring in more income while still keeping me at home but to be totally honest, I don’t have what it takes to have a big daycare in my home. I respect those mothers that can and do it well but it just isn’t for me. Maybe I should try to find one or two children I can watch. The best solution for our family would be for me to work part time in the evenings when Kevin is home so he can watch Nathan and Austin while I am at work. That way my small paycheck won’t all go to daycare costs; it would be pointless to work if I don’t bring home anything. Although I have to say not seeing Kevin much in the evenings isn’t very appealing to us. I would have done this 18 months ago if we could. In fact I have sometimes wanted to. This would bring in more income and I would get out of the house some and be able to use my degree in social work, the best of both worlds. The problem is that Kevin has to travel quite a bit for work and I have no clue what I would do with Nathan and Austin when that happened. He doesn’t travel all the time but enough that it would be a problem for us. Some months he doesn’t travel at all and others he travels quite a bit and most of the trips are unfortunately at the last minute type of things. If we had family around it would be a lot easier of a solution.
The other ideal situation would be for me to work weekends that way Kevin’s travel for work would never be a problem; however, if you have been reading my diary for very long you know that weekends are the only time we can see either of our families. If we lived near family and didn’t have to travel I would without a doubt work weekends. I would have started that several months ago.
And yes I know I could work full time like millions of moms but I know with the HUGE daycare costs around here that after taxes and daycare costs for two children, I would literally bring practically nothing home. That’s my dilemma. And I know this is a very common dilemma all mothers have to face, it really is unfortunate! If I were to get a full time job with my bachelors in social work, I would maybe bring home 20K a year before taxes and daycare costs are taken out.
Once we bring Austin home, I know what I have to do. I have to get serious about finding a job outside the home for at least every other weekend. I have no idea if that’s even possible to find and it may not be enough anyway to help us with our debt. It will probably be difficult to find a social work job for every other weekend. Of course that credit card debt doesn’t even touch both our student loans that we had to have. You do the right thing or so you are told by society and graduate from college and you are still stuck.
I know millions of people are in this same exact situation as us if not worse, but it still isn’t easy. UGH!!!! I see people out there our age building beautiful brand new homes with only one income and I wonder what they are doing that we aren’t. Don’t get me wrong, I am happy for them, huck some of them are my friends, I think it’s great but I would be lying if I didn’t say I would like that too. Wouldn’t we all? It would all be so much easier to decide if Kevin didn’t travel so I could work evenings some and if we didn’t have to travel on weekends. Family means too much to both of us to just go a year without seeing any family. That isn’t even an option.
With all that said, I do know how truly blessed I am with my incredible husband and two sons. If this is the biggest of my worries, I know I will be just fine and I am very blessed. But it still leaves us with the dilemma. Basically, the only two logical choices are work full time and have both kids in daycare which would maybe bring home a few hundred a month or work part time somehow. I would much rather work evenings than weekends but since Kevin travels that isn’t an option since we have no one around to watch both children. To be completely honest with you, I feel torn about it all. Nathan had me home his first 18 months of life and I feel Austin deserves the same thing and I want to stay home but at what cost? Staying home was always a huge financial sacrifice for us but now it’s getting to the point of being irresponsible I fear. I feel better just writing about our situation and I have decided once Austin comes, I will find work somehow and someway. You do what you got to do, whether you like it or not. I know it will all work out for Kevin and I, it usually does and we are very lucky for that.
Getting Real about Losing Weight.....
Once Austin arrives I have to get real about losing weight. I practically have an entire clothing store in my closet. I have clothes from size 6 – 18 in my closet, to give you an idea I am 5’9”. My weight has been up and down since high school. Most people gain and loose the same 10-20 pounds well not me. I am embarrassed to say that I gain and loose the same 30 or more pounds it seems. I can’t even believe it actually. I don’t want to look back years from now and realize I spent decades technically overweight. I know I am not morbidly obese but I am overweight. This isn’t about anyone else, just me. I am not happy being overweight and I want to be healthy for my kids and myself. I hate seeing my reflection in windows and doors. Of course I know being pregnant I do look bigger than normal but still. We eat healthy foods for the most part but we eat too much of it. It’s been awhile since I have had a regular exercise routine also. I kid you not I was getting ready to start really losing weight when I found out the great news I was pregnant with Nathan. I wanted to walk down the graduation stage thinner. Of course once I found out I was pregnant with Nathan I couldn’t diet. And again I was getting ready to get serious about losing weight when we found out the great news about our precious Austin coming. Of course I would take my precious babies any day before any weight loss but its funny how the timing worked out. Basically, my point is that I have been thinking about weight loss for quite some time and pretty soon its time to actually do it!
Once Austin arrives, the time has come and I need to get real about losing weight. I have no clue how much I have gained during this pregnancy, I try to avoid it. I do know I am in the average weight gain though because my OB would definitely tell me otherwise. It has been awhile since I have been able to step on a scale in a doctor’s office without being embarrassed by it and I never look down to see what I weigh. Talk about the Queen of Denial!! I do have an idea though and it isn’t pretty. It is pretty hard to write all this in my diary but I want to be totally honest with you all and to myself. Maybe writing this will help keep me motivated. Oh yeah another great motivation is that my 10 Year High School Reunion is coming up this summer, I can’t believe it’s already been 10 years! If I can help it, I would like to be a lot thinner by then so I can actually enjoy myself. We will see what happens!
* Talk to Me Please *
Anyone else out there have jeans of all sizes? It would be great to know I am not alone! Any thoughts on my dilemma about staying home? Please be kind to me, I know this is always a controversial topic on iParenting.
*On a side note: Working moms, including a lot of my internet pals, if you are reading this, I know you are already doing what I am whining about maybe having to do or thinking about doing. I am just having a hard time right now realizing that I may not be a stay at home mom for 5 more years like we had planned. I will be anxious and nervous to hear any responses. As always thank you so much for reading! *
* We recently put up new pics on our website under Oct 2003 if you haven’t checked them out yet, there are some of me and my belly as well as some of cute Nathan having fun with pumpkins and at play pals! Also on the 24th I put up a new entry if you haven’t had a chance to check it out yet. *
I promise my next entry will be all about our trip to see Kevin’s family; I have had this entry written for awhile now (basically since reality set in for us) and just now got the nerve to post it since it’s pretty raw about staying home and losing weight.
Thanks for listening to me rant and rave!
God Bless~
Kelly, Nathan, and Austin
http://web.infoave.net/~kelkev12/
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