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June 25, 2004

You know the book, "She's Come Undone" by Wally Lamb? Yeah, one of the Oprah books. Well, I bought it when she first announced it as a book club pick years ago and have yet to read it all the way thru. I could be the poster child for that title. It's amazing how much a person can change once they become a mom (only if you let it of course). I used to be someone who wouldn't leave the house without a shower. I would never forget to brush my teeth in the morning. I never used to wear t shirts/shorts or jammies just about everyday. I always painted my fingernails and toenails, I seriously don't remember the last time I had polish on. I used to love rings, earrings, and bracelets. I used to get teased by my loved ones for brushing my hair so much. I used to like getting my picture taken. In the past I didn't mind looking in the mirror. I never went days without leaving the house. I used to care what I looked like. I used to have time to care.

I keep saying I need and want to loose atleast 45 pounds, (preferably 60) but I haven't done a damn thing about it. It's really hard to get my motivation going nowadays. We are still waiting and hoping. I keep thinking when and if we finally move, I will be happier, thus want to loose weight. I tell myself the stupidest things I tell ya. When I have a bad night with Austin not sleeping (I have been up since 4am and got to bed late) I tell myself that I deserve some frozen pizza or ice cream. No, you idiot, what you deserve is to be happy and healthy for yourself and for your family.

A lot of my "undoneness" is due to letting my weight get too high and some of it is from the big change to staying home full time. I really need to get my act together. I need to find the old me again. I deserve that and my boys deserve that.