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January 11, 2003
January 11, 2004
(Unfortunately, my diary hasn’t been updated with 2004, so I had to select last years date for the index, Tanya told me her and Julie are hoping to work on that soon though, hope so, I know they have so much to get done and are super busy.)
Nathan 21 months old today
Austin 1 month old today (Can you even believe he is 1 month already?)
Mommy turns 28 on the 14th, but I feel like I am 100 with two under two!
Calgon Take Me Away
I am overwhelmed with all the things I want and need to write about since my last entry. It’s amazing how much life changes with a second baby. I have no time during the day whatsoever to write entries, most of the time I barely have time to eat, drink, or use the restroom and when I do go to the restroom I have a baby and a toddler with me, which can be pretty interesting :):) I sure wish stay at home moms had more respect, it is without a doubt the hardest job I have ever had. I have only put up two entries since Austin’s birth and really they weren’t about life with him, one was his birth story and the other was about my sick family members.
Life has been a HUGE emotional roller coaster this last month. I had the high of having Austin and I literally felt like I was on cloud 9 right after having him. I have also had many many different lows. It has been quite a big change having two under two now. Of course, we are completely blessed to have Austin, but I would be lying if I said it has been easy. As if, adjusting to a new baby in the house isn’t enough of a challenge, my mom, aunt, and grandma all have been really sick since we had Austin. My mom and aunt are thankfully now out of the hospital and are doing a little better and fortunately, knock on wood, my grandma hasn’t had to go into the hospital just yet. My mom was the sickest out of the three and she has told me since coming home just how bad she really was, the nurses and her doctor were very worried about her for a couple of days while she was in the hospital. My mom truly believes she almost didn’t make it; she’s a nurse herself so I guess she knows more than the rest of our family. It definitely rocked her world and she said she will never be the same person again, in good and bad ways. I am sooooo thankful she is getting better; it was very hard not being there with her and not seeing her. I still can’t believe all my loved ones who got really sick after Austin came; I think I am still in shock over it all.
Postpartum
Fortunately, once I was home about a week, I started to feel a lot better physically. My c- section pain started to get a lot better and my darn fever finally went away. The first several days home were so hard physically. I was so weak with my fever and I couldn’t hardly sit down or lay down. I could only get up and down from one chair; our couch and loveseat sit too low to the ground. It was sooooo painful to get in and out of bed even with Kevin’s help. It was so upsetting to me that I couldn’t pick Nathan up or really have him on my lap much. I also couldn’t get on the ground to change his diaper or to play with him. That was really difficult for me emotionally. Thankfully, all that pain is behind me now.
Breastfeeding
Unfortunately, I am one of the 1% of women in the world who literally have no milk supply. I breastfed both boys during my entire hospital stay and several days after coming home but I never did have any engorgement and my milk never came in. Both boys lost more than a whole pound while in the hospital because they never got anything at all from me. I breastfed every 2-3 hours for at least 15-20 minutes on each breast, but the poor boys never got anything. Several days after coming home we had a postpartum appointment for both Austin and I at the hospital and the nurse and the lactation consultant were amazed when they felt my breasts, they couldn’t believe I had no signs of any kind of engorgement whatsoever, even after breastfeeding several days. They pretty much told me that I wouldn’t be having any milk come in and I should start formula right away so Austin didn’t loose even more weight. I wasn’t surprised at this news because I had the same problem with Nathan. It makes me feel pretty sad and depressed to think I am one of those women who can’t breastfeed, even though I tried so hard with both boys. All the doctors and nurses were actually surprised that I even tried breastfeeding Austin, knowing my experience with Nathan. I just wanted to at least try for my peace of mind and I thought just maybe a miracle would happen and maybe milk would come in. I get MAD CRAZY when people assume I didn’t try or didn’t want to breastfeed when they see bottles. I did try and I have no choice in the matter. My mom had very positive breastfeeding experiences with my brother and I and she actually didn’t realize that some women have supply issues or in my case, no supply at all. We had many fired up conversations about it and boy did I get mad. I think with my experience though, she now realizes sometimes it doesn’t happen very easily or at all. Sometimes, I feel like shouting out to the world that not all women can breastfeed, 1% of women for whatever reason don’t produce milk. I think it is so ridiculous how some breastfeeding mothers make bottle mothers feel, even before knowing the situation. Notice, I said some, not all, so please don’t jump all over me on my board.
The lactation consultant told me my family history of thyroid problems and my lack of menstrual cycles might be the cause of me not producing any milk. So at least now I know that I wasn’t crazy when I always thought I didn’t produce any milk, now I know, that I actually don’t. At least I will always have the memories of breastfeeding both boys, even if it was only for a few days.
Bottle Feeding
We had a lot of trouble feeding Austin the first several days of bottle feeding. He would cry and tell us he was hungry but would fight it every inch of the way. It was really awful; it truly broke our hearts with how much he fought it. Normally, you put a nipple in a baby’s mouth and it makes them happy, with Austin, it actually made him more upset. We got to the point where we actually dreaded the next feeding and it’s supposed to be the exact opposite of that. Normally, it is a great bonding and happy experience. We asked his doctor about it and she said that just some babies get so worked up about it and really there was nothing we could do. We came up by ourselves to try different nipples and boy what a difference!!! Now he doesn’t fight it and it’s a great experience now. Bless his heart, he ended up loving the Playtex Deluxe Nurser nipples that resemble a woman’s breast, we joke around and say he is a boob man already :):) I just wish he could be on my breasts. It sure makes you feel like a freak that you don’t produce any milk.
Austin takes between 2-4 ounces every 2-3 hours during the day and night. It takes him quite awhile to take even a couple ounces, sometimes it is a full hour from the start of a bottle till the end. He is hungry for it but falls asleep most of the time. Sometimes he only ends up taking 2-3 ounces and other times he takes the full four. There really isn’t any rhyme or reason to it, so unfortunately a lot of formula gets wasted. We do all the tricks to wake him up but they don’t work. Since he doesn’t take much some of the time, we are feeding him more often, especially at night. Austin isn’t much of a burper either, bless his little heart. We try forever, to get him to burp and sometimes he just never does.
S – L – E – E – P
Kevin and I are only getting about 3-4 hours of sleep total at night. And sometimes, not even that. For some reason, Austin usually doesn’t like to even get into his bassinet until midnight, even though Nathan goes to bed at 8:30. We try putting him down at a decent time and sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t. We are trying to make sleep our highest priority right now; trying to take turns and all but it just doesn’t work to well. It is really amazing how much sleep deprivation affects a person on all levels – physically, mentally, emotionally, and even spiritually. One night, Austin does pretty good, meaning he sleeps in 2-3 hour intervals, and other nights he hardly sleeps at all. Hopefully, in time he will adjust better to sleeping at night. I keep remembering the two key phases in parenthood, “This too shall pass” and “It will get easier.” Let’s hope so.
Can we say CABIN FEVER?
I haven’t been out of the house more than 5 times in the last month, I kid you not. This is probably a BIG reason why I feel like I am going to loose my mind most days. The main reason is because I don’t want the kids to be out and about a lot this winter because of the nasty flu bug this year, it scares me to death, no pun intended. Especially, with Austin being so young and all. Once Kevin gets home from work, we are so busy with the two kids that we don’t have the time for me to get out. And when the time is somewhat available I am too tired to go anywhere, 3-4 hours of sleep just isn’t enough to live on. My cabin fever is really messing me up mentally and emotionally. I feel like I am going to go nuts and sometimes I feel like going outside and just screaming really loud to who ever will listen. I am sooooo incredibly lonely and isolated where we live; it’s truly a pathetic life, socially. I feel like I am living the life of a shy introverted person when in reality I am actually an extrovert. There are many days, especially lately, I feel like running away or throwing in the towel. My entire life, I had hoped to be a stay at home mom for the first few years, I had no idea just how hard it was and how underappreciated it is by society. Thank God literally, that my husband knows how hard it is and tells me everyday how much he appreciates what I am doing for the boys. Believe it or not, I do have good days, just lately with all the stress in my life; those are harder to come by.
Meeting Austin
Unfortunately, very few people have actually met Austin face to face. This is a big reason why we have done so many pictures on our website already. The only people who have seen him are my parents, brother, friend Amy, and one aunt. This makes me sooooo incredibly sad. Literally none of Kevin’s family has been able to come and see him; there are many reasons for this. The main reason is because a lot of people have been sick, the other reason is because of the busy holiday season, and lastly because of the miles separating us from all our family. I really hope our family members can meet him before he gets too much older and bigger.
All about Austin
Austin is a really sweet and good baby. He has his issues with sleeping at night but that is pretty normal. He pretty much only cries when he really needs something and even then he is sweet about it. There are so many precious things about Austin at this young age. I love so many things about him. He is so incredibly beautiful and sweet. He is so strong for his age. Since birth practically, he has been able to hold his head up really well and turn it. When he has tummy time, he already turns his head real good from side to side. It is so funny when he has one eye open and one eye shut, its like he is interested in what is going on around him but just too tired to have both eyes open :) Austin has smiled a lot already since birth, involuntary or not, it is so precious and really melts your heart. There have been many smiles that Kevin and I swear are real. I think it was on Thursday when he gave me the biggest smile ever and it took my breath away! It is so darn cute and funny when he is drifting off to sleep and his eyes roll back into his head. I just love his fishy lips that he likes to do, so kissable!! It is so cute and funny when we are changing his diaper and he puts his fists up like he is ready to fight us, too cute! Right now, it seems he looks like Nathan and mommy, whereas, Nathan looks more like his daddy. My mom has only seen him twice and not since he was a few days old because she has been sick but she says he looks a lot like me as a newborn. Of course, I love that, since Nathan looks more like daddy!
All about Nathan
Nathan has really been pretty incredible with having a new baby at home. He has his moments of jealousy but that is to be expected. We really thought it would be more of a problem than what it has been. His behavior and routine hasn’t really changed any. He is still the most loving toddler ever. It is so incredibly sweet; it is like he lives to be affectionate to us! He must give at least 100 hugs a day to us and things. He has given Austin a few of his hugs, which consist of laying his head gently on him. It is so sweet! He likes to point out characters and things on Austin’s clothes. He also enjoys touching Austin’s toes and fingers. He still pretty much keeps away from Austin but does just enough with him that assures us that Nathan enjoys having him around. Nathan likes to help throw Austin’s diaper away in the trash. He also likes to put the lid on Austin’s bottle when it is empty. Nathan literally went through a growing and learning spurt while I was in the hospital. It is so amazing how much he has changed and how much he learns everyday! He LOVES letters!!!! He knows so many letters already, he is so smart!!! He recognizes and knows the sound for the following letters: A, B, C, D, E, K, M, N, O, P, S, T, and Z. By far his favorite letter is D! He points letters out everywhere, it is so amazing! He points them out in books, on shirts, on television, and even places where me and Kevin don’t really see a letter. His letter learning truly seemed to happen over night in the last month or so. He got the Leap Frog Fridge Phonics Magnetic Letter Set from my parents for Christmas and he loves it sooo much! I really think that has helped him tremendously, I highly recommend that toy if your child is ready to learn letters! He also loves his flashcards still. He says many words and he still loves to say, “What is it” and “right there.” He loves to make all the animal noises. He knows and loves them all! He knows all the basic colors and basic shapes. He doesn’t really seem interested in numbers yet, but we are working on that. Nathan would rather learn than play, which of course is a great thing but it keeps mommy and daddy very busy. Literally, every second of the day, he is bringing me his flashcards, books, magna doodle, and letters, just to name a few. His desire to learn every second of the day makes it impossible to get any housework done. Even when we put an Elmo tape in, he wants us to tell him everything that is on the screen, so it doesn’t give us a break. It is extremely mentally draining, especially since I stay home with him all day, but I hope it all pays off in the future. He very rarely plays by himself. Of course, I love to play with him but it can be very draining and sometimes my brain feels like it is going to explode from all things toddler. It also makes it impossible to get any housework done until Kevin gets home from work.
Keeping up with the house
It’s a good day if I can just keep up with all the diaper changes, feedings, dishes without a dishwasher, laundry and toy picking up. Our house needs cleaned so badly, but I don’t have the energy or motivation to do it. Maybe once we start getting more sleep it won’t seem so overwhelming to me. Our house almost always looks like a tornado hit it with all the toys everywhere. We put them in the toy boxes and what seems like 5 minutes later, they are all out again, in every room, on every floor.
Our Christmas
This year we didn’t travel to see any of our family. We knew it would be way too much with a newborn, a toddler, and a mommy who was still recovering from surgery. In some respects, it was nice to not travel, but it was hard not seeing any family at all. This was the first year that we didn’t see any family over any of the holidays, not Thanksgiving, Christmas, or New Years. Nathan and Austin got a lot of great gifts from people and Santa. I have written all the gifts down but don’t have the time or energy to post it in my entry. Nathan’s favorite gifts were the Leap Frog Magnetic Letter Set, magna doodle, Elmo open the flap books, flashcards, puzzles, shape sorter and matchbox cars. Austin got a lot of great clothing items and a lot of great baby toys and such. We didn’t take the kids to see Santa this year, with Austin being so young we knew he would just sleep through it all and Nathan at his age would probably scream at the sight of Santa. He still doesn’t really know who he is. Plus we just didn’t want the kiddos to pick up any bad germs standing in line waiting to see Santa.
Nurse Visits
On the 16th, there will be a nurse coming to our home to check Austin out. The other day we got a letter in the mail telling us that because Austin had a medical condition that he qualified for regular visits from a nurse until he is 2! We were taken back by this letter because no one mentioned anything about it but the program is a good idea, especially for parents who have children with more severe medical conditions. We have an appointment at our local children’s hospital in March to see an Urologist. This is when we will find out if Austin needs surgery for his hypospadias and if he can be circumcised still.
Baby and Winter Blues
I have a touch of the baby and winter blues. My baby blues are more situational than hormonal though. I absolutely hate not living near any family whatsoever; I am definitely miserable a lot because of this. I want our families to see the boys grow up and I want our boys to have what me and Kevin both had growing up. We both loved living near most of our own families growing up. There have been many days when I cry about it and wonder if I will ever be truly happy without living near family.
Boy, I can’t wait till spring and summer. We are going to have so much fun with the boys when it gets warmer. I think it will help with my isolation and cabin fever feelings as well.
Another year older
I turn 28 on the 14th, it doesn’t seem possible really. It seems like just yesterday I was still in high school. I can’t believe my 10 year high school reunion is this summer! My birthday will be like every other day, no special plans or anything.
A Wonderful Husband
I want to thank my husband for taking such good care of me and the boys since Austin has come into our lives. He was absolutely amazing when I was still in a lot of pain from surgery and had my fever. He is a total hands on dad; he changes many diapers, does many feedings, and always encourages me to get out of the house and tells me to sleep more than I do. He is the best ever. He always puts my needs first and always wants to make sure I am okay. I am so thankful for him and he will always be my best friend! Thank you Kevin!
Getting Real
Before too much longer, I am going to have to find work of some kind. We can’t afford for me to stay home full time anymore. I hope to find something where I can use my bachelors in social work part time.
I am in the process of trying to loose some weight. From what I weigh right now, I need to loose between 60-80 pounds, talk about a daunting task. I have no idea at this point if I will loose more baby weight or not, naturally.
If you are still with me, thank you for reading this really long entry. I really appreciate it! It feels good to be all caught up with my writing. Next time, it won’t be as long because I won’t have all the postpartum stuff to talk about.
Jen of Jen and Jake, a Babies Today writer, was sweet enough to post a new and recent picture of Austin on my TTM board, check it out if you want. He is 4 weeks old in the picture. Thanks again Jen, for doing that – how sweet!!!! :):)
Rest assured that even though my entry isn’t totally positive, I know how truly blessed I am and I love my boys so much!!!!!
God Bless~
Kelly (Proud, Blessed, and Tired Mommy of Nathan and Austin)
http://web.infoave.net/~kelkev12/
Talk To Me Ladies :) No time to proofread!
P.S. Any tips on starting potty training, since Nathan is 21 months now, we think maybe its time to start the training. What are the first steps? What signs do I look for in Nathan that tells me he is ready? Any great potty training videos, books, or products out there? What potty’s are the best?
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