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December 17, 2004
Lately my pregnancy, labor and delivery with Ava has been on mind a lot. I’m not exactly sure why, but I have some theories. I just finished reading a book called “The Plain Truth” by Jodi Picoult about an Amish girl who becomes pregnant, conceals the pregnancy, delivers and the baby dies. I then moved on to a book called “The Things We Do For Love” by Kristin Hannah that is about a woman who struggles with infertility, miscarriage, the loss of a child, failed adoption and the end of her marriage, by going back to her home town. Both books are fairly light reads, but they do explore the continuum of aspects of pregnancy and impending (or longed for) motherhood in ways that make me remember so clearly what that time in my life. I’ve mentioned in the past that becoming pregnant was not especially easy for me, all the while being mindful that there are many, many women who’ve endured more to fulfill their dream of motherhood. But I think for women who long to be mothers that inner tug is universal. I use to think the biological clock was a myth perpetuated by sexist men. Turns out I was wrong!
Two years ago now, during the holiday season, I had moved out of my first trimester of pregnancy but was still pretty early on. I hadn’t felt ‘the baby’ move, we didn’t know we were having a girl, but I was over the terrible fear of miscarriage and full of anticipation. I felt like I’d finally been given the keys to a club I desperately wanted to join. I don’t necessarily think that struggling to become pregnant makes you more appreciative of it once you finally are, but I know that I didn’t want to do anything but savor the magic of that pregnancy. I thought about it constantly and read everything I could get my hands on. I felt bad even complaining about being uncomfortable or sick, even toward the end when Ava hung her little monkey toes under my ribs and it hurt to breathe. It’s like I longed for this opportunity, I don’t want to waste a moment of it complaining. (Don't get me wrong, I'm not a saint - I gritched about heart burn and through a spectatcular pity party when I 'couldn't' enjoy any wine on New Year's Eve.) But around the holidays is when we really started to tell people we were expecting a baby – we went to a number of large family gatherings where people cheered the coming addition to our family. It was wonderful.
Another one is a little more intangible… when I was pregnant with Ava, after I found out we were having a girl, when I would picture what she might look like she was always this age – the age she is now. And she looked just like she looks to me now. I am sure that time has clouded that memory, or made me conform my memory to present reality, but Ava entering this age and stage is especially emotional for me. I know I’m probably not articulating that well and I’m struggling for the right words. (who me?) Her big eyes, unbelievable eyelashes (Meghan has them too), her pointy chin, her wavy hair. But its also her life, her spirit, her personality. Those were all the things I would dream about when she was thumping away at me during my pregnancy.
Sunday I went with my Grandma Jane and my mother to a Lessons and Carrols service at the local college. It was so emotional for me and that was a little surprising. I’ve been going to that service with my Grandma Jane for seven years. When I was living in Washington, DC I would always fly back that weekend, make Christmas cookies with Grandma, we’d go Christmas shopping and go to Lessons and Carrols. The college has an excellent music program, so their choir is just incredible. They all have such big, sure voices, the music fills the chapel. When the choir processed in to start the service they sang the most beautiful version of “O Come All Ye Faithful” and I just wept through the whole thing. I’m not typically much of a crier, so that caught me sort of off guard. I am close to my Grandma Jane – Ava is Ava Jane after her. She’s 82 years old and has had declining health lately. She broke her hip, she’s suffered from macular degeneration and corresponding vision loss… I don’t know, she just seems more frail. It just felt so good to be there with her. Grandma Jane has taught me, by example, so much about the kind of woman, mother, wife, person I want to be. She lives her faith in practice with a calm, centered, loving way.
All you experienced moms out there are probably going to snicker at this next bit of pondering… Why on Earth was I excited for Ava to find the television? Or, more aptly, discovering her love of “Nemo?” Now it is all she wants if the television is on and sometimes when it isn’t. Because I didn’t want her to watch Nemo’s mom becoming shark food over and over, I’ve started going into the scene selection menu and starting the movie on the ‘first day of school.’ It makes me feel marginally better. In an attempt to broaden our viewing options, because as cute as Nemo is I’m a little sick of it, we’ve been trying to acquaint her with “Monsters, Inc.” She likes Sully, but she loves Boo. She really only wants to watch the scenes with Boo. I know that many, many moms of girls would probably say Boo reminds them of their girls – Pixar has done an awesome job of capturing toddler mannerisms and expressions. Ava loves having ponytails in her hair and is always quick to point out that both she and Boo have ponytails. Except for the brown eyes, Ava could be Boo!
I get a lot of comments from people that Ava must really be excited for Christmas. I think she has no idea Christmas is coming or what it is. She adores the lights and the tree. Every morning when we come downstairs for breakfast we stop and turn on the lights for the Christmas tree, she claps and stands and looks at the tree, pointing out her favorite ornaments. Lane had the good idea to put a mirrored ornament at “Ava height” so she likes to look at “Aaaa-buh” in the tree. She says “tree” and “pretty” fairly clearly. Everyone who comes in the house she takes to see the tree. She also loves the battery operated candle lights I’ve put in all our windows. She routinely fetches them, brings them to me or scatters them around the house. And she enjoys putting them back in the window. But in terms of her cognitive ability on impending gifts I don’t think she has a clue! Probably next year.
For Christmas gifts this year we’ve decided to get Meghan and Lane each one large item, for Meghan its an iPod mini, pink (I’m so jealous I could spit) and for Lane an X-Box, which was the only thing he really wanted. We’ll get them two or three small stocking stuffer-type items like a CD, book or something, but that’s it. We’re still working on what to do about Ava. The daycare ladies tell me she loves their faux mini-kitchen so much that she pushes the other kids out of the way when it comes out. (She’s like her dad – territorial in the kitchen) I thought about getting her one for home, but I don’t really want to. I’m not interested in another large plastic item taking up our small house. It likely has a limited shelf life. I’m leaning toward a few ‘older’ toys, as she seems to be outgrowing the toys she has now. I think she’ll enjoy opening presents, but I doubt she’ll have any appreciation of size or quantity. So far all we have for her are some Nemo board books that come in a cute little box with a handle and one of those See and Says that makes animal noises – one of her most favorite things to do. I would love some ideas from moms of toddlers of favorite toys. She seems to be moving on from the sorting/stacking/big blocks we have now. Help! John and I took Thursday morning off work to try to wrap up our Christmas shopping. We’ve been striving for the anti-mall Christmas, but what was left on our list required a visit to the mall. Ack! The only way to tolerate that this time of year is to do it during the week. We’re still not completely through, but we made a lot of progress. I mailed out the holiday cards this week too… It’s always a relief to have that task done. I enjoy sending them, I enjoy receiving them, but it can be a bit of a pain getting them out the door.
I’ve also been working to confirm our holiday trip to Minnesota. Luckily my family is gathering here, so we’ll spend Christmas Eve with them. Meghan and Lane are at their mother’s house for Christmas Eve this year and they’ll come to our house around 10am Christmas day. We’ll do our immediate family celebration then. We’re driving to Minnesota for a 4 day weekend over New Year’s Eve and to see John’s brother’s family. His mother is meeting us there also. Meghan and Lane are coming with us and the only way we could talk Meghan into being with us for New Year’s Eve was to invite ‘the boyfriend’ to come along. We’re going to need to rent a mini-van to get us all up there, which I actually don’t mind. We’re mini-van hypocrites! For most of our trips anywhere, few as they are, we rent cars. It’s nice not to put the miles on your own car. We don’t own a vehicle that will hold our whole family plus ‘the boyfriend.’ So many little details that seem to come up, especially this time of year.
Ava has developed a bit of a fear of her humidifier and space heater. It is causing sort of a dilemma and we don’t know quite what to do. The humidifier in her room really helps with the little cough she seems to have had since, oh, October. Ava is a very active sleeper and doesn’t keep a blanket on very well. We put her in warm, fleecy jimmies, but it is still pretty cool in our house over night. We’ve been waiting until she’s asleep to turn on the humidifier and the space heater, but if she wakes up during the night she sometimes starts crying that really scared cry. When we come to her room she is pointing at the machines saying “no, no.” Cold and sick? Awake and scared? Which is worse? I tried to move them to right outside the door but that isn’t really doing the trick at all.
The other thing Ava is doing that is absolutely cracking me up is she’s started doing ‘happy feet’ when she gets excited about something. You know, the kind of dancing back and forth. Like when the garage door opens and she knows John and Lane are coming in, or when Nemo come up on the television screen, or while she’s waiting for me to plug in the Christmas tree lights. She lets out this little squeal and does happy feet and I just want to eat her up its so cute.
I had an unexpected bit of grace this week. I have a good friend, who happens to be a man, who I’ve known since junior high. We’ve been close, almost like brother and sister, for over half our lives. We grew up together, went to high school together, stayed in touch intermittently through college but really reconnected when we found ourselves in DC at the same time. If I would have had a more traditional wedding there is no doubt he would have stood up for me in the place where a maid of honor would traditionally be. We had fallen out of touch a little bit over the past year, which made me very sad. Apparently not so sad that I could motivate my lazy bones to initiate contact…. I got a nice, long email from him this weekend and it really lifted my spirits. His family is in Iowa and we’ll be getting together over the holidays. This serves as a reminder to me of how important those relationships are – how important it is to stay in touch with people you love. Relationships of all kinds take effort and it is effort worth making.
I appreciated all the potty training insight on my TTM board. I haven’t had a chance to pick up a potty seat yet, but I’m going to today! Another thing I need some feedback on… I’ve had a cold for what seems like forever, but this week it clearly moved into my sinuses and glands. I actually went to the doctor (besides an OB) for the first time in about four years! I got a prescription for an antibiotic for the first time in about a decade. I received the customary caution of the interaction between anti-biotics and birth control pills. But here’s my question – for some reason I’ve always thought that was kind of an urban myth. John and I are in a loving, stable, secure marriage and an unexpected pregnancy wouldn’t be the worst thing that ever happened to us, but we aren’t intending to add to our family at this point. I was off the pill for almost a year and a half before I was able to get pregnant last time. How seriously do I heed the caution of anti-biotics and birth control pills? Tell me your stories.
I don’t know if I’ll have the opportunity to update before Christmas, so in case I don’t I’ll close this long, hodge podge entry by wishing you a joyful season of simple celebration.
Thanks for reading—
--Kate
Recipe of the week--
These are the tastiest little lemon/cheesecake tasting cookies. They’re like little mellow cheesecake bites. I got the recipe from a co-worker of mine.
1 tube prepared sugar cookie dough
1 jar lemon curd (sold by the jams/jellies in the supermarket)
½ cup sugar
1 tsp lemon zest
1 tsp lemon juice
1 egg
8 oz cream cheese, softened
cream together
Preheat oven to 350. In a greased mini-muffin pan put in about a teaspoon of the sugar cookie dough, press into the bottom and about halfway up the side of the cup. Add the cream cheese mixture and top with just a little bit of lemon curd. Bake until golden – about 15-20 mins. It took me a couple of tries to get the right proportions down, so don’t get discouraged if the first batch doesn’t quite turn out. They’re still yummy! I also thought it might be worth a try to make these as bar cookies, but I haven’t tried that yet.
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