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November 5, 2004
So on November 2nd I wrote a really pis*y post about my husband’s ex-wife. For the most part I’ve worked pretty hard to avoid talking about John’s ex-wife in this forum. It has been intentional. I’ve tried not to edit my thoughts and reactions too much – I want this diary to be an accurate reflection of my life, for myself and for Ava if she ever wants to read this. But I think my role as a step-mother is relevant. I think of my step-children as ‘mine’ to a certain extent and most definitely an important part of my family. They are Ava’s brother and sister, my husband’s children and that is sacred. And John’s ex-wife (who will refer to here on in as “Lovely” even though her behavior is not) had crossed the line and I needed to process it. I tore through a page and a half (in Word) describing her recently abominable behavior, saved it and walked away. While I would love to post it, I have decided to try to let a cooler head prevail. I don’t want to let her small, petty behavior tear me down to her level. But it felt good to write…I guess that, despite her hurtful and immature outbursts I am trying to be mindful of the fact that she is Meghan and Lane’s mom. I can’t love and care for them if I don’t treat their mother with respect. But man is it hard sometimes.
Daylight savings time started this week and it is bumming me out. I hate driving home from work in the dark. I actually really like the cooler months, fall and winter – I like my outfits better and I sort of enjoy being all cozy with my family. Daylight savings time has thrown Ava off a little bit. We’ve tried to adjust her sleep schedule gradually in 10-15 minute increments. She seems to do fine in the morning, continuing to wake up around 6-6:30am, but she struggles in the evenings. Part of it might be her eating schedule as well. They do afternoon snack at daycare around 2:30-3:00pm. We usually don’t get home until 5:30pm and by that time she’s ready to EAT! We usually give her something to nosh on before dinner. I wonder if her body clock is having a harder time resetting on when she eats? This serves to remind me what little creatures of habit our kiddos can be.
Tuesday night (Election night – hope you voted) I picked Ava up from daycare and we went to our friend’s Dean and Jennifer’s house to eat a little dinner and watch early returns. I think my Patito had a fairly hectic day that day because we couldn’t get her settled down at all. Dean and Jennifer have a daughter, Lily, who is almost exactly a year older than Ava. She is a very sweet girl and was good to Ava, trying to share her apples, share her toys. Ava was just kind of fussy and clingy, not bad behavior, just out of sorts. We decided to pull the plug about an hour earlier than we planned and get our daughter home. Once she was home she literally made laps around the house sort of twirling and staking her claim on the space. I realized then that we pushed her too hard. That week nights after long days away from home, her family, her familiar space that asking her to stay out for another couple of hours is just more than she can comfortably manage at this stage.
We taught Ava how to make the sign for ‘I love you’ this week. I don’t even know how to put into words what this is doing to me. I’m the hugest marshmallow with this kid! The sign we are using (from the highly recommended ‘Baby Signs’ book) is to cross your arms across your chest. Ava can’t quite get her arms crossed, so when we say ‘I love you’ she pulls her arms to her chest and kind of hugs herself. This is nearly always accompanied by a huge smile and a sort of mangled alien-baby version of ‘I love you’ “Gobdelygook---oooo.” I quite literally feel like I could burst wide open with love and pride when we do this. And I have to contain myself from taking up every other minute of our time together telling each other I love you! It’s like a drug and I am hooked!
Thursday was Lane’s 16th birthday. This joyous day was the source of the aforementioned debacle with ‘Lovely.’ Since Thursday is traditionally Meghan and Lane’s night with their mother we are celebrating Friday (today). John is making homemade pizza, per Lane’s request. I wrote in my Babies Today diary about taking Ava out to dinner for Meghan’s birthday. Not so much fun. I did a little bit of research on my favorite “What’s up with my kid?” site babycenter.com and found that toddler’s can’t reasonably be expected to sit still for a meal for longer than 10 minutes. Good to know. So we are having a family dinner at home to celebrate and then Lane has asked to go see a movie with his dad. I know how important it is, especially for boys, to have close relationships with their dads. Lane and John are very close and he is a wonderful father a role model for how a man should be in the world. But there is a teeney tiny part of me that feels sort of bad and rejected that Lane’s first choice for his ‘special’ day would be to leave the rest of his family behind. Even writing this makes me think I am a very selfish step-mother. For goodness sake, even biological parents take ‘turns’ doing special things with their children. It is good. It is normal. I’m a bit of an overly sensitive freak (thanks to Lovely) about this right now. So I comfort myself by thinking that I am being a good step-mom to know that sometimes the best thing I can do is just get out of the way. It’s not about me, it’s about him.
I loved the comments on my TTM board about my last entry and ‘Taylors’ mom and her vastly superior skills as a mother. Nearly all pointed to my new favorite show, ‘Desperate Housewives’ as a comparison. Totally accurate! Sunday nights have become my most favorite TV night. I absolutely love the show ‘Cold Case’ although John has threatened to cut me off if they do any more shows that involve children losing their parents in horrible circumstances. Then I move on over to ‘Desperate Housewives.’ I just love it when television comes up with something different.
I am feeling just profound sadness over the outcome of the recent Presidential election. I am buoyed somewhat by the high turn out – at least people are participating. I always knew a Kerry victory would be a long shot, so I am a little surprised by how disappointed I am. What troubles me the most is the divide that has emerged in this country over the so-called ‘moral values’ issue. I am a Christian, I love and value my family, I consider myself fairly patriotic and I am a Democrat. Somehow those key factors became associated with the Republican party. My current job is bi-partisan work with the state legislature and during that time I’ve learned that there are many, many Republicans who’s opinions on important issues (at least important to me) differ from mine only by nuance. I am staunchly pro-choice because I believe in a woman’s sovereignty over her own body and her own medical decisions, not because I ever wish abortion is the choice a woman would make. For the life of me I can’t figure out what the brouhaha is over the so-called gay marriage issue. What possible threat could a same sex couple pose to my marriage or the institution of marriage as a whole? It’s not like heterosexuals are doing such a bang up job of it. (Britney Spears anyone?) From my readings and practice of Christianity I believe Jesus fought for justice for the poor and the marginalized. It is not a theology of hate. The country will move on because that’s what makes Democracy so remarkable. I only hope the parties can knit themselves back together and not continue to exploit emotional issues for political gain.
I am really hoping to steal some time for myself this weekend. I feel like it has just been ages since I’ve done something to take care of just me. John and I have been grouchy with each other this week and I know he’s feeling that too. Even a trip to the gym or a bike ride would probably work wonders for my psyche. I am reading a book right now that is beautifully written – “Light on Snow” by Anita Shreve. It is a little sad – the story of a dad and his daughter who move to a small, rural town to escape the grief of the death of the mom and baby sister. While out on a walk they discover an infant girl recently abandoned in the snow. It is written so well that sometimes I have to put it down because I am somewhat overwhelmed by the descriptions of the grief of losing a partner and a child. But it is a beautifully told story. Maybe I’ll take my book to the coffee shop and just read and indulge a little…
So I was reading over some past entries and saw that I talk about food just an awfully lot. I thought it might be kind of fun to be more consistent about sharing favorite recipes. I am always thrilled when I find one I like. Of the two of us, John is the more adventurous, talented chef. I tend to enjoy finding things that are tasty, simple, fresh and quick… I’m not promising a new recipe every week. I will also try to do my best to identify the source whenever possible. This week’s recipe is the chocolate cake I made for John for his birthday – it was easy and very yummy. My recommendations are in parens.
Kahlua Bundt Cake – this recipe has been passed around amongst some friends and I have no idea where it originated from. I got it on an email!
Mix 1 box of devils food chocolate cake mix with NO pudding in the mix with a small box of instant chocolate pudding, 4 eggs, 1 cup of sour cream, 1/3 cup vegetable oil, 1/4cup Kahlua or rum (the Kahlua is better). Mix on medium for 4 minutes (this is important – you need the air in the batter to keep the cake from being too dense – if you have a Kitchen Aide it is perfect for the task); stir in 2 cups of mini chocolate chips (or half chopped nuts, half chocolate chips – I thought it was better without the nuts). Pour into greased Bundt cake pan and bake at 350 for 50-55 minutes (I only baked mine for about 48 minutes and it was done). Cool for 15 minutes before inverting and removing from pan. (I served this with some whipped cream and it was fabulous.)
Thanks for reading—
--Kate
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