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October 25, 2004
Tuesday night I was rowing and John had a meeting so my parents agreed to take care of Ava until I could get home. My dad was to pick her up at daycare that day, so I left word in the morning that Grandpa would be picking her up around 5:00pm. Both my parents are also on the contact sheet of permission to pick her up, but they haven’t been there much so the staff doesn’t know them by sight. Apparently when my dad went in to get Ava she was thoroughly engrossed in the big blocks and was not ready to go home. She started crying so hard when he picked her up that the teacher asked to see his ID before he’d let her leave. Great Ava! But it reminds me again what creatures of habit our little ones can be. She sees my parents once or twice a week, but rarely in that setting. If it isn’t mom or dad at daycare it’s just not working for Ava. Of course she settled down pretty quickly once my dad was able to talk with her a little and get her situated in the car. She had a ball playing at Grandma and Grandpas and barely looked at me when I arrived to pick her up later that night.
I’ve noticed in the past couple of weeks that my darling girl’s face and body are becoming longer, thinner and more angular. I was looking at one of my favorite pictures of her, taken this summer and she already looks more like a little girl than she did even a couple of months ago. So are you ready for a true confession? I’ve never had a formal ‘portrait’ of Ava taken. We’ve obviously taken about 1000 pictures of her with our own camera and we did a four generation photo sitting last January, but I’ve never done one just of Ava. There seems to be some societal pressure around this… I have many beautiful snap shots that capture her so well, but I think I’m going to go ahead and schedule a sitting with a professional photographer. So this is going to sound weird, but I am thinking of getting them taken at Target. I’ve seen a couple of friends who have had photographs done there and they look great. Don’t get me wrong, I love Target, I can’t escape Target without spending obscene amounts of money on stuff I really need like paper towels, deodorant and a new CD, but it would never have occurred to me to get pictures taken there. I’m guessing they’re pretty affordable too.
Last Saturday was our last marching band contest of the season – blessedly so. While I enjoy serving as the colorguard advisor immensely, it is a huge time commitment that I have felt acutely this Fall. Last Fall, when Ava was new, I was still working part time and it was easier to juggle. The real benefits have been that it is an activity that Meghan and Lane both participate in (Lane on the snare, Meghan on the colorguard) so I get the benefit of time with them, investing in things they care about. This is Meghan’s senior year and I just don’t see how I can justify the time commitment if it doesn’t bring the added benefit of time with her. Saturday night before the contest performance I gathered the girls up to talk through the show. At the end of my little remarks I took a few moments to tell them how much I’ve enjoyed the season, getting to know them, being a part of their lives. I thanked them for their efforts and told them of the richness they’ve added to my life. A few moments later they started sort of swarming around me and gave me a ‘group hug.’ It gave me a lump in my throat and even caused me to pause for a moment and consider if this was really my last year coaching them.
On why marriage is hard…. I love my husband very, very much. Our relationship seemed destined to me – when we had our first date I walked away knowing we’d be married. That was odd for me since I was quite enjoying my single life and not altogether sure I wanted to get married. I firmly believe that marriage requires a lot of work, good work, hard work. We’re going through a bit of a bumpy patch – not really interpersonally, but in how we’re coping with all the demands outside our tending to our relationship. Our kids, our jobs, tight times financially, struggling through an unexpected scare and surgery for me… What I crave more than anything is some time away from all of this to reconnect with the man I married. But I also know that what makes a relationship strong is the ability to love each other, be there for each other in the midst of life’s struggles.
Well, I’ve made a decision about my professional life. For those of you who followed along in my Babies Today diary, you’ll know this has been the source of considerable stewing for me for the past few months. I spoke to my boss on Wednesday and told him that if I were able to earn comp time for my loooong hours during the legislative session AND get remote access to my email through Blackberry I would commit to another year in my current position. He was very agreeable and I think its going work out. I mostly feel good about it. There is a lot about my job I really enjoy – it is intellectually satisfying, I am paid reasonably well, I get good benefits, I mostly like the people I work with… the downside has been time away from my family. If I knew I could count on some Summer afternoons at the pool with Ava it would make late nights during session much easier to bear. Given all the transitions our family has gone through there is something rather comforting about staying in place professionally especially because there is much about this job that is satisfying to me. At least I know the rules, I know how to do this job. I don’t have to struggle through that change on top of everything else. Not to mention that I might be one of the last employees anywhere who still receives health insurance (and good insurance) for my family for free.
Ava has been adding words by the day – she’s a very verbal little girl. I realize there will be a day where this will be irritating, but it cracks me up when she says ‘mine.’ She has embraced the authority of claiming objects with abandon. My hair brush, her shoes, the remote, the phone, a can of diet Coke… Ava has also embraced the word ‘no’ with quite a confident air. I know that is a textbook toddler phase, but for some reason I just find it delightful to see her asserting her own boundaries on the world. It is shocking how independent our children are on one hand, but on the other Ava is also becoming much more snuggly and clingy. She is a very, very busy little girl and is usually on the go. Lately she’s been throwing herself against our legs (mine, John, Meghan, Lane, Grandma, Grandpa…) and asking to be hugged. Thursday night I was cooking dinner, John was at basketball and I was feeling a little harried. Ava was playing with some toys in the kitchen and out of nowhere she launched herself at my legs. I had a flash of irritation and then scooped her up, hugged her, took a big whiff of her hair and vowed for the 100th time to embrace these moments because I just know how fleeting they are.
Ava spent Thursday night in bed with us. We don’t make a regular habit of co-sleeping-I’ll reiterate here that I have no qualms about it if it works for you, it wasn’t for us. Thursday night Ava woke up around mid-night and would only stay asleep in our bed, so the three of us settled in. On the occasions Ava has slept with us I usually don’t sleep very well, but this was not the case Thursday night. We all slept like logs. I woke up the next morning and my girl was starting to stir – she located her blankie and thumb and was slurping away about half awake. I started massaging her little feet and she fell back asleep. I set her foot down and in a drowsy little voice I hear ‘more’ and she made the sign for more. I simply love her to the point of bursting.
Do any of you know when a child’s dominant hand becomes set? I’ve been thinking Ava might be left handed (neither John or I are, but both my mom and Grandma are lefties). She seems to use her left hand more than her right for things like eating and drinking. She also sucks her left thumb exclusively. I’m just curious when that appears.
Under the category of awkward blended family moments I wanted to write about Friday night. Friday night was Meghan’s senior night where she is escorted by her parents during halftime of the football game down the track and is acknowledged for her accomplishments and activities. Meghan talked to me a little bit about it and had decided (with my support) to just have her biological parents escort her. Meghan’s mother has also remarried but I don’t get the sense that he’s as involved in Meghan and Lane’s lives as a step dad as I am as a step mom. (I could be wrong) So half time comes and Meghan lines up with her parents on the track. I am on the sidelines with the rest of the colorguard and Ava. As Meghan, John and her mother walk down the track and her name is being read I took pictures of them all together. I think there are times in Meghan and Lane’s life where it is important that John and his ex-wife be there, together, for them. Their relationship is chilly, but not awful. (Obviously since we share custody – that takes quite a bit of communication) It was also important to me that Meghan (and Lane) know that I am supportive of that, not threatened by it. But it did feel weird to stand on the track in front of the whole town and take those pictures. Meghan seemed genuinely grateful and relieved – John was, in his words, ‘blown away.’ Its both a big thing and not a big thing, but I have a hunch that moment will stick with me for awhile.
This weekend our dear friends Jim and Sandra held a blessing for their new daughter Sophia. She’s 11 weeks old and a real beauty. Jim and Sandra are probably our closest friends as a couple. Sandra and I are very close plus we do a lot together as a foursome. The blessing was really lovely – Jim and Sandra, like lots of people, have struggled a bit with the role of organized religion in their lives. But they are spiritual people. They had a very authentic blessing and welcome for Sophia under a large tree in their backyard. I loved it. Looking around I noticed that our relationship with them is a bit of a ‘marriage’ if you will… We have actually somewhat blended our families. My mother made Sophia’s blessing outfit and they attended the ceremony. My mother in law was there too. We have come to know both Sandra and Jim’s parents quite well. In all likelihood Ava will be our only child together. Sometimes I worry a bit about her life growing up since Meghan and Lane are so much older. But then I see clearly that we all create our own families just as much as we participate in the life of the family we are born into. And that is a beautiful thing. There is little doubt in my mind that Ava and Sophia will grow up like sisters.
Sunday afternoon we took the whole family out to the orchard in hopes of finding a pumpkin for Halloween. The orchard has a small petting zoo and Ava went NUTS with the animals. Meghan is also an animal lover and I really enjoyed watching the two of them pet the mini-horse and the donkey. Ava made a whole bunch of animal sounds and was so excited she couldn’t stop giggling. I got some great pictures! (Which I will post soon) We took a hay ride out to the pumpkin patch, which was thoroughly picked over. Ava picked some apples off a tree and horded them very seriously. With some help from her Grandma Marilyn she nibbled away at a mini-sized Red Delicious. Truthfully I was in heaven with everyone there on that beautiful afternoon, but I think Meghan and Lane were a little bored. After the trip to the orchard John took Ava home and I went on shopping with Marilyn, Meghan and Lane. Marilyn bought Ava a Columbia winter jacket and I was flooded with relief. I know the jacket is ridiculously expensive, but we got it in a 2T so she might be able to stretch it two winters. There is no way we could have afforded to pay for it ourselves. It is just so great that Ava will have such a quality winter coat (and so cute!) for the season. Lucky, lucky, lucky…
This week is shaping up to be another busy one in our professional and personal lives. We are celebrating John’s birthday Wednesday, so I am trying to find a tasty dinner recipe that will be relatively quick and meet with the approval of our whole family. Saturday night is Beggar’s Night and Ava’s first Trick or Treating. I bought her a lady bug costume on sale that is completely adorable. Last year she was only 5 months old, but I still dressed her up as a little duck (my Patito) for posterity’s sake. I can’t wait to see her out trick or treating in the neighborhood. We’ll probably only take her to a couple of doors, but it will still be fun! I hope you all have a safe and festive Halloween!
Thanks for reading—
--Kate
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