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May 28, 2005
May 28, 2005
You were made perfectly to be loved
Surely I have loved you,
In the idea of you,
My whole life long
--Elizabeth Barrett Browning
My dearest baby girl –
Two years ago today I met you for the very first time. Although as soon as I saw you I knew you, felt I had known you for my entire life. I was 32 when you were born. I had read everything I could get my hands on, but here is absolutely no way to prepare for what becoming a mom will do to a person. You were wanted, planned for, prayed for from the very start. And the first time I laid eyes on you my world seemed to shatter into a thousand tiny little pieces and come back together into a new, sharp focus that has left me radically, profoundly changed as a result.
During my pregnancy with you I was reading about labor and delivery, what to expect while your in the hospital etc… One reoccurring theme was the fact that you may not bond with your child immediately. Labor and delivery can be a confusing, overwhelming and painful experience. A new mom can easily be left feeling exhausted, overwhelmed and confused. Further reading would lead me to believe this often a result of an onset of post-partum depression. So I tried to prepare myself for the possibility that I might feel awkward or ambivalent upon seeing your tiny face for the first time. Nothing could have been further from my actual experience.
My labor with you was long, painful, awful and without a doubt the hardest thing I’ve ever done. When you were finally born at 11:37am (I know because I had my eyes glued to the clock on Dr Bedia’s promise that you would be here in five minutes – he was wrong it was seven) I looked up and saw you, hanging by your heels, umbilical cord attached, chin in the air in a completely defiant pose I’ve seen 100 times since. It was deep, abiding, unconditional love at first sight my beautiful girl.
Those first days and weeks home from the hospital with you were exhilarating, exhausting and remain some of the hardest times of our relationship. But now, two years later, I realize how fleeting and precious those times were.
Today you turn two and you are such a delightful little person. It is an honor and privilege to be your mom. You are so funny, clever, smart and beautiful. Everyone comments that they have never seen a busier child – and I agree, but I choose to see it as an embodiment of your curiosity, your character and the intensity you will live out your entire life.
You absolutely love cereal and eat an astonishing amount of Rice Krispies (‘Piss-Pees’) nearly every morning. I swear there are days you eat more in one setting than I possibly could. The other day when we were driving home from daycare you literally said to me ‘Aaa-buh outside girl’ and you are an outside girl. You could spend nearly every waking moment running around outside. You love your sand/water table and playhouse, your wagon, the park and the swings. You also love your books and astonish your father and I with your memory and how observant you are. Despite the so-called expert advice you do watch some TV – ‘Elmo’ is certainly a favorite, although ‘Monsters Inc’ and ‘Finding Nemo’ are also in heavy rotation.
You have two ‘Nemo’ t-shirts that you would alternate wearing everyday if we’d let you – or if I did laundry that often. You love to have your toenails painted. Every night when your dad brings you downstairs from your bath, all wrapped up in ‘two’ I take you and hold you like a baby and sing ‘Rock a Bye Baby’ to you. You are all sweet and clean from your bath and you cuddle into me just like when you were a baby. I wonder how long it will be before you’re too big for me to do that anymore?
There are times when I wish I could stop the progression of time, that you would stay my baby, my little girl, in this remarkable stage forever. But each new development, new phase has brought so much delight that it would be foolish to wish it away. So today, as you turn two I celebrate the day you were born and look forward to all the days of getting to know you even better.
I love you—
Mama
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