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March 24, 2005
I’ve been listening to my iPod a lot which is bringing me again to another Maroon 5 lyric from their song ‘Sunday Morning’ a truly fabulous song. The line ‘back and forth we sway like branches in a storm, change of weather, still together in the end’ keeps knocking around in my head. The imagery really captures the feeling of the dance we do in a loving, happy marriage to live a life together. I’ve been in a bit of a funk lately, overwhelmed by work, worried about what’s next, feeling stretched beyond my ability to cope with all the things clamoring for my attention. John has mostly just been steering clear of me while I wrestle with this, which sometimes pisses me off. I think to myself, I could use his support, I need someone to talk to, this stressful job put him through law school and any number of other small petty thoughts. But then the clouds part a little, I get some sleep, I get to leave work at a humane hour, I spend a delightful morning with my daughter, I go to the gym and I can actually sort of become recognizable to myself again. The cycle continues, John is cranky, tired, stressed, worried about work, about to hit the road for a marathon 38 hour business trip. “back and forth we sway…’ even in the hard times or the blah times I feel like a very, very fortunate person to have found him, to be raising a family with him, living this life with him at my side. I am surprised that I continue to fall in love with him different ways all the time after our years together. It is a delightful surprise.
In a nice bit of grace we got a $750 refund check from Meghan’s orthodontist, my insurance kicked in more than previously thought. I made the executive decision to treat this as found money and have a bit of a shopping spree this weekend. I bought some truly boring Target items like light bulbs, a step stool for Ava, a new Elmo DVD (so tired of the one we have), new toothbrushes, toothpaste, shave gel, diaper wipes, mascara and a magazine... $80 later you leave Target with bags full of stuff you needed, none of it very exciting.
I had been hoarding a Christmas gift certificate from my mother in law for $100. I intended to use it for Spring/summer clothes for Ava. This weekend Old Navy had a sale in which everything you could stuff into a $2 beach bag would be 20% off. Even with 20% off and $100 gift certificate I spent $45. The clothes there are pretty cute and wear well, especially for play clothes/daycare clothes. Mostly I bought some shorts, t-shirts, little tank tops, khaki capris etc… But I did buy this adorable, pale yellow terry cloth dress that I can’t wait for her to wear. With that haul of clothing Ava should be pretty well set for the spring and summer with the exception of a few cute dressy church/party outfits and maybe another pair or so of shorts. Everything I bought was size 2T, although I am little worried about how long those things will fit. She wears a 2 T right now and 3T is waaaaay too big. Her growth has slowed down so much in her second year, but there’s a part of me that still thinks of her early days of growing out of her 0-3 month clothes about 10 minutes after she was born and wonders if the same thing might happen again this summer.
I also splurged on a beautiful sweater from Garnet Hill I’ve been eyeing for a few months and some new work shoes for John. Isn’t this fun? Oh, and by the way, I am not going to count the absolutely STEAL I got on a pair of Paper, Denim and Cloth jeans on sale at Von Maur. They are a size too big, but not hanging off me. I got them for… $45!!! (Normally $150) I would have snapped them up regardless of the $750 of surprise money… I feel so hip in them. I haven’t blown through the whole amount and I think we’ll use the last of the money for boring stuff like bills and groceries. I am also going to work hard to quiet the voice in my head saying I SHOULD have spent the money paying down law school debt. This was ever so much more fun.
Ava has a potty seat – we’ve decided to skip the little potty chair and go straight to the little seat that fits into the grown up toilet. Ava loves it. She gets on her step stool, perches herself on the potty, crosses her little feet at the ankles and sits for a minute or two. Then she says ‘down’ we get down and wash her hands. (Want to start that ritual right from the very start) She has yet to produce anything in the toilet yet, but we’re not in any big hurry. We put her on the potty usually twice a day – first thing in the morning and right before her bath. We talk about the potty a little bit and she knows the word. I see this time as a chance for her to get used to it. But if she resists at all I move on quickly. We never force it. We’ll see. My gut tells me we’re still months and months away from any real potty training. A part of me wonders if we’re setting up a whole long, protracted potty training process by talking this approach. But then I mostly think that having potty training be normal, non-anxious and slow is probably a good thing. As with most things, I guess time will tell.
Our weekend was pretty nice. Friday night, as usual, we kind of collapsed into a heap at the end of a week. We fed the kids left overs and watched a little tube before going to be very early. Saturday morning John headed off with Meghan and Lane to meet his mother at the half way point so the kiddos could spend a few days of their spring break with their grandmother. (They are phenomenal children) He made it back on time to escort Ava and I to her first Easter egg hunt – a party thrown by some friends of ours who have a daughter born one month before Ava. The party was a full on sugar festival. Ava had jelly beans for the first time (she loved them) decorated a sugar cookie (she loved that) ate some licorice (ditto) and hunted for eggs. She lost interest in the eggs pretty quickly but clung to our friends’ most fantastic swing set while everyone else ran around looking for the last of the eggs. We’re going to have to look for a swing set for our backyard here pretty soon. Ava darn near went into sugar orbit as we were leaving the party. I am, by no stretch, a stickler on the food she eats, although I do try to limit the amount of sugary foods she consumes. I think she might have doubled her lifetime consumption of sugar in that one afternoon.
I’ve been hit hard by the cold/flu bug that seems to be making its way through every third person I know. Lucky for John he’s got it too. It has made this week a little surreal. I am not able to take time off this time of year, so I have no choice but to load up on the DayQuil and soldier on. A quick trip to the doctor confirmed a sinus infection and bronchitis, so I am taking antibiotics. I hope they kick in soon. John did a quick business trip Monday/Tuesday so Ava was a little bit out of her routine. That does not bode especially well for her, my creature of habit. Usually her mornings follow a well established routine. John gets her ‘Piss-pees’ (Rice Krispies) and then she gets to watch 20 minutes or so of her Elmo DVD while John eats breakfast, reads the paper and I finish getting ready for work, get her dressed and take her to daycare. Well, Tuesday morning, being the hyper protective mom I didn’t feel comfortable leaving her down stairs in front of the tube while I was in the shower. So I put her in her crib while I showered and then brought her into the bathroom while I was getting ready. She was so honked off at me that by the time I got her to daycare that morning she barely glanced at me when I left.
By some random twist of fate I wore a suit to work Tuesday morning. Usually I wear dressy pants or a skirt with blouses or sweaters, but in my weakened state and the need to hurry myself up I put on the standby black pantsuit out of ease and expedience. When I arrived at work there was a major development… (Thank goodness for the suit and that I wasn’t wearing the more comfortable and infinitely more casual outfit I almost put on.) I was pulled into a multitude of meetings with very important people to discuss strategies and next steps. I’ve got this whole disconnected, DayQuil feeling, I’m most certainly running a fever as I’m alternating between being really warm and freezing cold. I am second guessing my over protectiveness in the morning with Ava. Should I have let her watch Elmo as usual while I got ready? Is she safe one level below me for 20 minutes? Would she understand if I told her I was right upstairs? In the meantime my work and abilities are being sought and praised by aforementioned very important people in unbelievably flattering ways. We’re sitting around this large table, having this very interesting and significant discussion and in front of me on the table is this Newsweek magazine. On the cover there is a woman who has like 8 arms, she’s holding a baby, work pumps, a soccer ball, a phone, a frying pan… and the headline is “The Myth of the Perfect Mother.” I don’t know what it all means, but I seriously feel like I am being given some kind of sign.
John is going to be out of town all next week, so I think we’re going to spend the weekend in as low key a mode as possible. Meghan and Lane are wrapping up their spring break week, so I’m sure they’ll be busy with their friends and other activities. I hope I am feeling enough better to go to the gym. In a turn about I’m going to ask you all for two recipes. First, there is a local bakery that makes wonderful oatmeal chocolate chip cookies. I love them. They are silly expensive, but I haven’t been able to find a recipe that is even close – they always turn out thin and crunchy instead of soft and chewy. Anyone have a good recipe? The second is I have discovered a new fondness for white chocolate. Who knew it was so tasty? I would love a good white chocolate recipe if anyone’s got one.
Thanks for reading—
--Kate
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