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March 18, 2005
When I was in kindergarten or maybe first grade my mother bought me this pajama set that was some kind of faux silk (polyester) little tank top, knee length little pants and a matching long robe. It was white or cream with a little lace trim. One night after my bath I went outside and was running up and down the sidewalk in these pajamas, with the robe fluttering around me. I can remember it as clearly as if it happened last week. The air was warm, the sun was setting and I was pretending to be a fairy. My father came out, kind of scolded me and told me to come inside. He said it wasn’t appropriate for me to be running around outside in that outfit and that I wouldn’t see him running around outside in his underwear. I can recall so vividly how I felt. I went from sort of that magical bubble of pretend play to big embarrassment in a matter of seconds. I am sure if I told this to my father that, one, he wouldn’t remember and, two he would probably feel just terrible that he made me feel bad and I remember it all these years later.
One of the biggest differences for me between Ava’s first year and now coming nearly to the end of her second year is my approach to parenting – what I worry about. Her first year I was nearly consumed with her milestones. Is she eating/sleeping/sitting up/rolling over/crawling/cruising etc… on time, the right way. Of course she was and now I can’t even remember if she crawled two weeks earlier than she should have or a month later. Blessedly I’ve managed to set that behavior aside. Now I find myself thinking a lot about how to nourish her spirit, which is ever so much more complicated. How to foster a rich inner life. How to acknowledge the things that make her so unique and special. To instill self-confidence and strength to take care of herself without leaving her to fend for herself. This is such an awesome responsibility. In some ways the first year milestones were so much easier to cope with. On Saturday Ava desperately wanted to watch her Elmo DVD. She kept saying ‘Elmo, Elmo’ over and over while clutching the case. I was tired and frustrated trying to explain to her why I needed the case to make Elmo go. Finally I just overpowered her grip, took the case from her, took the DVD out and handed the empty case back. She cried big, fat, heartbroken tears for several minutes after that. Recognizing I have the ability to over analyze EVERYTHING (who me?) I just felt terrible about how that played out. She wasn’t able to communicate what she wanted/needed with that case and I didn’t work very hard to help her understand why I had to hold the case in order to make Elmo go. No doubt mothering causes me to draw on my inner reserves more than anything else I’ve ever done. And for something I take so, so seriously I probably screw it up 10 times per day on a good day.
Pulling the plug on our trip to South Dakota was absolutely the right thing to do. We really needed the weekend to re-group plus John and I thoroughly enjoyed our date Saturday night. We went to dinner and really, really took our time. We ordered a drink to start… then a little while later we ordered an appetizer, then a little while after that we ordered our dinner. It was so nice to have a drawn out meal to talk over and enjoy. As opposed to the seven minute feed the machine fest that we usually have between Ava and the kids. After dinner we actually walked around the mall for a little while. We bought Ava an ‘Anywhere Chair’ from Pottery Barn Kids. She absolutely loves it – kind of treats it like a little fort. She’ll sit there with her books, baby and nannie, feet crossed at the ankles and looks so darn big. We also picked up some cheesecake to go at Cheesecake Factory. YUM. I know I have frequent rants about being anti-chain restaurant. And I do think Cheesecake Factory’s food is fairly overrated, but the dessert is divine. The cheesecake was so light. I could only eat half Saturday night, so I had a nice treat Sunday.
I’ve written here and there about John’s ex-wife, who we frequently refer to as ‘Lovely’ even though her behavior, at times is not. In my more gracious moods I would say my relationship with her is pretty good. For the most part she is pretty accepting of me and my role in the kids life. In all honesty, she’s probably more accepting of me in their lives than I would be if there were another woman who occupied so much of Ava’s life. This week Meghan was in a bit of a twitter about her graduation party. Backing up a little bit. I unintentionally stepped into a blended land mine by giving Meghan a couple of ideas for places she could have a graduation party, not realizing that she and her mom had already begun planning a party that would take place in her mother’s backyard. Meghan suggested that maybe OUR family could have a nice lunch together on graduation day instead of a party. I tried to keep my face neutral, as this is clearly about Meghan’s celebration, not our needs, but I was very disappointed. I can certainly see why Meghan didn’t want TWO separate parties, but what I was thinking is we’d find a ‘neutral’ site and have one joint party. Her mother and step father’s backyard is not so neutral. I can see why she felt it was important to engage with her mother on planning a party. She has been living with us exclusively since right after the first of the year and I know that it is probably hard on them both. So Meghan most definitely picked up on my vibe and I know she felt terrible, so of course I felt terrible. The curse of two hyper-responsible first born women living in the same house.
A couple of nights later Meghan suggested that maybe everyone participate in the party in her mother’s backyard. John didn’t really pick up on the anxiety Meghan was feeling as she extended this offer, and he mumbled something like ‘that would be fine’ and moved on. Sensing that he wasn’t likely to get very involved in planning a party that is still several months away - with his ex-wife - I decided to go on ahead and contact Lovely myself. Long and short of it, we’ve exchanged a number of very pleasant email messages and have decided to proceed with a ‘one big happy blended family’ graduation celebration (actually on Ava’s second birthday) for Meghan in her backyard. She actually said something like “I hope you’ll feel welcome and at home.” Lovely has clearly put a lot of thought into this and what she has in mind sounds quite unique, elegant and special for Meghan’s big day. I have spent a little bit of time congratulating myself for my super mature behavior. But aren’t I self-absorbed? The truth is, this is the very best for Meghan. And who knows, it might introduce a new chapter in my relationship with John’s ex-wife. Communicating about the party has been really, surprisingly easy and friendly. And I do love planning things, especially celebrations like this. Meghan is so relieved she practically melted when I told her what her mother and I had been up to. John thinks I’m a goddess for taking the lead on this. But I will say one thing for sure. When this party rolls around I can guarantee I will be my 100% most fabulous self. Hair highlighted and blown out, manicure, pedicure and the fabulous new dress John bought me last week. I need to spend a bit of time hitting the upper body weights so I look extra good. At the end, I’m really quite shallow, because I want to be fabulous and look fabulous like the goddess my husband thinks I am.
I don’t say this in thinking John has anything lingering for his ex-wife. Their relationship was long over before he and I began dating. In fact, she had remarried just a few weeks before we went on our first date. John doesn’t hate her, he treats her with respect as the mother of two of his children, but if anything he’s a bit indifferent when it comes to her. They are very different, they married too young and didn’t grow up together very well. But I am not going to pretend like there isn’t a part of me that doesn’t always know what to do with the fact that there is this other woman that John used to be married to, had children with and still talks to on a regular basis. I don’t know if it’s the high schooler in me or what, but that fact can hit some very immature buttons in me. I’m not really jealous, per se, John has given me absolutely no reason to be, but I am something…
I am fairly blotto as Ava has woken up during the night every night this week. She’s fighting a little cold and working on those bottom eye teeth, but I’m not sure that’s the only cause. My mother in law was here for several days, so Ava has been home with her. That is wonderful, from my perspective, but I think it’s thrown my Patito a little out of her routine. Being the biggest creature of habit possibly ever born I think it is a bit disruptive to her. When my mother in law left (Wednesday) a heightened sense of separation anxiety settled in her place. John said that Meghan and Lane were the same way when they were little and had a visit from Grandma. Last night Ava was up four times and nothing would settle her down. As I hauled myself out of bed in response to her escalating crying (we usually let it go a minute or two to see if she can settle herself back down – sometimes she does, sometimes she doesn’t) I actually started cursing and muttering about ‘every freakin’ night this week.’ A fine example of my loving compassion as a mother, eh?
For some reason this week Ava has suddenly seemed so much bigger to me. She looks bigger, she seems so much more like a little girl than a toddler. Her vocabulary and comprehension continue to astound us. Our girls seems to be stringing words together more and more, but for the most part she is talking in single or sometimes two word expressions. But she’ll string single words together to get her point across. Like, ‘Elmo. Nannie. Milk. Peese.’ Pretty easy for me to figure out she’d like to watch Elmo, with her nannie and some milk. She’s started running a little bit too, which is hilarious. Ava absolutely loves to be outside, but the weather has really not been very cooperative. I can’t wait for it to warm up so she can spend more time playing outdoors. One unusually warm night last week John took her out for a moonlight wagon ride and she was just in heaven. Because I am such a marshmallow when it comes to the two great loves of my life I had to fight the lump of emotion in my throat watching them toodle around the neighborhood with Ava in her wagon and jammies under the stars.
Another week has gone by in a blink and the weekend looks to go just as fast. Meghan and Lane start their spring break this week, so John is meeting his mother at the half-way mark between our houses on Saturday and they’re going to spend a few days with her. Ava has been invited to an Easter egg hunt at a friend’s house Saturday afternoon, which ought to be a riot. Hopefully John will be back on time to go with us. In another move that reverses previous cost-containment initiatives in our house, we’ve hired a house cleaning company to come Monday, so I will probably need to spend some time ‘pre-cleaning’ so they don’t think we live like savages. In all honesty, I just want to have things really picked up so the cleaning looks extra good. But I guess that’s it for this week. I’ve included a Rachel Ray, 30 Minute Meals, recipe for Green Minestrone at the bottom of this - literally cut and pasted from the Foodnetwork website. It is so good. Make it tonight! Even if you’re skeptical of all the vegetables. The flavors are just great together. It heats up beautifully too.
Thanks for reading—
--Kate
Green Minestrone
2 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil, 2 turns of the pan
4 slices pancetta or 1/4 pound thick cut prosciutto, chopped (I’ve also used bacon)
1 medium onion, chopped
2 ribs celery, chopped
2 large cloves garlic, crushed
1 medium zucchini, diced
1 bay leaf, fresh or dried
1 can white beans, cannellini
1 can garbanzo beans
Salt and freshly ground black pepper
8 cups chicken broth or stock
1 cup ditalini pasta or mini penne pasta
1/2 pound green beans, trimmed and cut into 1-inch pieces
10 ounces triple washed spinach, stems removed and coarsely chopped, or any other dark greens
1/2 cup grated Parmigiano-Reggiano or Romano, plus extra to pass at the table
12 to 16 leaves fresh basil, torn or shredded or 1/4 cup chopped parsley leaves
Heat a soup pot over medium high heat. Add oil and pancetta or prosciutto. Saute 2 minutes and add onions, celery, garlic, zucchini and bay to the pot. Season vegetables with salt and pepper, to your taste. Saute vegetables 5 minutes, stirring frequently. Add white beans, garbanzo beans and chicken broth to the pot. Cover soup and bring to a boil. Add pasta and green beans to the soup and cook 8 minutes, or until pasta is just tender. Stir in spinach to wilt, 1 minute. Stir in grated cheese and ladle soup into bowls. Top soup with torn or shredded basil or chopped parsley.
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