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February 4, 2005
On Sunday in the New York Times there was an article about (using this term with my tongue planted firmly in cheek) Mommy Blogs. I love getting the Sunday Times and almost never take issue with things I read there, but for pete’s sake was that article patronizing. What it did do was give me pause to think about the reasons I requested, started and have maintained a public diary, not so dissimilar to a blog, for nearly a year now. Is it an arrogance that compels me to put these thoughts about mothering, step-mothering, being a wife, being a professional, being a woman out for anyone to read? I haven’t told anyone about this diary, including John. Well, maybe that’s not 100% true, he does know I keep a diary for Ava, but I would guess it would never occur to him that it is published on the internet. The Times article did make me spend some time thinking about this, I reached few conclusions. For my job I publish a weekly update during the legislative session and I really enjoy writing it and receiving feedback. I always enjoy reading the few comments on my TTM board and I really enjoy the process of writing each new entry. Am I an aspiring writer? Do I need external validation? I’m not sure, but what I know for certain is that this format has been just wonderful for me. It has given me the incentive, the forum, the voice to write about what’s going on in my life. I have really loved that, I have enjoyed reading back over past entries that were able to capture nuance and things I was thinking about that would no doubt be lost to the fog of time. I know that comparing these diary entries to ones I just wrote for myself during my pregnancy and early Ava days that these are infinitely more interesting (if you can imagine?) and certainly more readable.
Another thing – and this is more esoteric… I love my mother – she is a good mom, but she is not a terribly affectionate mother. I know she loves me, I know she’s proud of me, but she rarely (underline rarely) tells me. I am the oldest of six children – all of my brothers and sisters are adopted (my mother gave birth to me) and my parents worked hard (still do) at parenting a rather large brood. I’ve never had the impression that my mother took great joy or pleasure from being a mom. This is hard to write about, hard to even think about. When I was pregnant with Ava I invited her and my dad to come to my 20-week ultra sound where ‘the baby’s’ gender would likely be determined. My mom declined because she didn’t feel like she could get off work for that hour. By her report there was nothing special going on at work that day and her indifference cut like a knife. My father declined because my brother had a doctor’s appointment. I was devastated. Even now I can still feel the pit in my stomach, the lump in my throat that I experienced by their apparent indifference to such a colossal thing in my life. I capture this story because I think it is a decent illustration of some of the things that can come up with my mom and me. I can’t even begin to imagine what would keep me away if Ava wanted to include me something like that. I write this diary and I wonder if Ava will ever read it. I hope she does. I know how much I would enjoy knowing what my mom thought of parenting me, what I did that she thought was special, funny, irritating or sweet. I want Ava to know that parenting her has been the most remarkable, transforming experience of my life. AND at times it is mundane, hard and frustrating. Maybe someday that will have meaning for her when she’s trying to wrestle with motherhood herself. Or maybe not, but at least it will be available if she wants it.
It would appear Meghan has moved in with us full time. She’s been at our house for about 3 weeks now with only minimal visits to her mother. Lane continues to go back and forth on the regular schedule. The status of the marriage between her mother and step-father is unknown to us. (Not that it is really any of our business, I guess) Meghan feels strongly that she doesn’t want to be around her step father ever again. It would seem she’s reacting to the tension in the household, but I do feel very bad about the situation. I can’t imagine how I would feel or the lengths I would go to repair a relationship with her if the situation were reversed. I am a bit mystified by how her mother and stepfather have acquiesced to this arrangement. For the most part Meghan has been delightful to be around, but it does change the dynamic of our household flow to have her there everyday. I really do view our house as the kids home (not that their mothers isn’t a home as well) and of course they are welcome there day or night, any time, for as long as they want. But I had become accustomed to having Tues, Thurs and Saturday (the days the kids are normally at their mother’s) for just me, John and Ava. In a way I miss that flow, the quiet etc… that it brings.
I feel like we’ve reached a new evolution of development for Ava – independent play. In the past couple of weeks my mom picked up a faux kitchen made by Little Tykes (yes, I have another piece of large molded plastic in the house) for Ava at some sort of sale. Ava LOVES it very, very much. We’re forever finding random food items in the oven of the little kitchen. We got her a big packet of faux food, pots and pans and Toys R Us. My MIL bought her a shopping cart with a few more groceries. We also picked up one of those toddler sized umbrella strollers for her to push her baby. She can spend 15-20 minutes amusing herself with any one of those newish toys. She also has started sitting and looking through her picture books on her own. It is so nice. Interestingly these things have also eased up on the amount of “Finding Nemo” or “Monsters Inc” she wants to watch. Maybe her toys were just too babyish to capture her attention? Like most toddlers she is very streaky, but now she seems to really only want to play with her babies, her kitchen, her grocery cart, her puzzles and her books. I need to sort through her other toys and donate those she doesn’t use anymore.
A question for experienced mommas – when is a good time to try to teach Ava colors? We’ve been working on it a little bit and there are times I feel like she gets it, but mostly it seems too abstract for her. But one example – she has two babies who look very similar, one is in a blue outfit, the other in a pink outfit. We call them (so clever) Blue Baby and Pink Baby. And she knows the difference, but I’m not at all sure its because of the color.
The end of this month I am taking a weekend getaway with some good friends in Chicago. I am so, so excited. We started the trip planning thinking we might share some hotel rooms, but that quickly evolved into everyone thinking it would be nice to have our own space – I am very glad. We are staying at the Hotel 71, which I’ve heard is quite nice. We have tickets to the Jackie O display at the Field Museum and I desperately want good sushi, but beyond that I assume it will be much talking, talking, talking, wine drinking and maybe a little shopping. I am really finding myself in need of a break from daily life to regroup and recharge. I am nearly giddy at the idea of being responsible only for myself for two whole days. These ladies I am meeting are some of the best women I know. I am the youngest of the bunch and they have done so much to mentor me and show by example the kind of person I hope to be in the world. I am stopping just short of drawing big red X’s on the calendar and counting down the days.
It has been an extraordinarily busy workweek for me. My stress level has been very high and I’m not exactly proud of the kind of wife and mom I’ve been. It is hard to be your best self when you’re being pulled in seventeen different directions, skipping meals, skipping work outs and trying to cram it all in. Our house is a disaster and I feel like every morning the process to get out the door turns me into a lunatic. Normally John takes Ava into daycare and I pick her up – a system I very much prefer because I HATE the drop off. With the unpredictability of the session, we’ve switched that and I am taking Ava in, John is picking up. Ava and I have developed a little ritual over the past month that I still get the biggest kick out of. As I’m buckling her into her car seat we check to make sure she has her ‘nannie,’ her ‘Blue Baby,’ and her Farm Animals board book. We turn on her most favorite Rafi CD “Rise and Shine” (thank goodness we are now able to listen to the whole CD, not just the “Wheels on the Bus”) and we’re off. She crosses her little feet at the ankles, reads her book, all the while making appropriate animal noises and somehow integrating some motions to her favorite tunes. You might ask how many ‘transition objects’ and stimulation one toddler really needs for a half hour drive to day care, but I still love seeing the things she gravitates to and love watching her read books to herself. By the time I drop Ava off at daycare and get to work it takes me about an hour from the time I’ve left the house. Then it takes me about an hour to settle down once I get to work. I should probably figure out a way to wake myself up without the large latte John makes for me every morning – maybe that would make me feel less edgy.
Ava’s new favorite phrase is “Whassat?” (what’s that) Her vocabulary expands by the day and she will continually ‘name’ all the things she knows, for example, at breakfast she’ll say “Milk, toast, Mama, Daddy, Lane, Meghan, kitty, banana, flowers, book…” then begin pointing “whassat” all around the room. Most of the time she’ll parrot back things as best she can, “spoon, coffee, table, newspaper…” I feel like what she wants from this whole process is to be able to connect and communicate with us. She has also begun really mimicking mannerisms with both John and I. I’m not sure how much I like that! (smile) Ava loves to name body parts – eyes, ears, hair, tummy… and do the routine of animal noises, horsie, cow, duck… you know. But sometimes when we’re going through that little routine I’ll stop and say “ummm…” thinking about what I’ve missed (Have we already said duck?) Ava has started to cock her head and say ‘ummmm’ just like me. This age really is so much fun. I can see the “Terrible Twos” but would theorize that it is most likely toddler’s frustration at wanting to be able to do and say things and not get their ideas across or their needs met. I also think we, as adults, wouldn’t tolerate all the ‘nos’ and ‘be carefuls’ and the flat out swooping in and picking up we do of our kiddos. Ava is a stubborn little creature, to be sure, but I’ve found when I see her getting frustrated if I say “Can you show me?” or “Can you tell me another way?” she usually settles down. It does require patience and calmness I seem to have in short supply this week… Must get a new job.
Saturday my father and I are riding in a 23 mile bike ride, called the BRR bike ride. Ironically the weather is supposed to be unseasonably gorgeous and in the low 50’s. The ride is 23 miles, mostly flat. It should be a lot of fun. Beyond that we don’t have much planned except the usual attempt to clean and restore order for the coming week. Funny how quickly that can unravel. John has asked me out on the most fabulous date next weekend to celebrate Valentines Day in our own way. There is a wonderful little theater in town that shows mostly independent films. Before Ava was born John and I used to go to the movies almost every Saturday night when the kids were at their moms. Now we mostly spend Saturday nights with Netflix. But on the 12th he’s arranged for a babysitter and a “date with Oscar.” We’re going to do a double feature – “Million Dollar Baby” and “Sideways.” I love the Oscars, I love good movies and I am really looking forward to our date. This theater serves wine, beer and tasty baked items – it will be a delightful evening. Is it sad that this sounds better to me than jewelry and flowers?
I guess that’s about all for now. Thanks for reading—
--Kate
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