 | Diary Navigation:
|
January 19, 2005
I’ve got some peevishness regarding my job. I’ve tried to avoid being one of ‘those people’ you know, those people who worry about desks, offices, parking spots, lunch hours and the like. I had really wanted to change jobs last year and due to a whole boat load of reasons that just didn’t quite work out. Some of those reasons were good ones, others just laziness. But I have this theory that when you’re not entirely satisfied with your job you let little things like parking spots, office space and the like really get to you. That’s where I am right now. In part of my ‘deal’ to stay in this job another legislative session I had tried to work out two key issues – remote access to my email and comp time. The session has begun and neither of these items has been addressed to my satisfaction. I know I need to let it go and keep working to resolve these issues, but of course I’ve turned into some kind of statement of value of my work for the organization. (Read – if they really valued my work they would have made these seemingly minor accommodations to keep me happy) To top it off, I have been asked to move offices to a less desirable office. The reasons are sound, but I’m not thrilled. The move will come at the height of the legislative session. Good thing I have an awesome assistant. Most of that work will fall to him.
Our family re-commitment to healthier eating and living is actually going along pretty well. Despite my peevishness at how busy the gym has been I’ve been able to get there in these early days of session. John is doing much, much better than I am on the dieting front. He is joking that he is trying to lose the law school weight aka baby weight since he birthed a law degree. To be fair, I really don’t have weight to lose. (Don’t hate me) What I am trying to do is stay focused on good physical health and eating more whole foods, vegetables etc… One of the only things I really miss about my single/pre-motherhood days was the physical shape I was in. I worked out 5-6 times a week, every week. I was very strong, very fit. Now I congratulate myself on working out 3 times a week and while my weight has stayed fairly constant (apart from the 30lbs I gained, then lost around having a baby) my physical condition is not at the peak it once was. And I have noticed something psychological about myself and my relationship with food. Generally speaking I eat pretty well, but when I start down the road on junkie food it is like I adopt this mentality that ‘hey, this day is already shot because I had those two cookies, I may as well have three more.’ I don’t do a great job of experiencing treats in moderation. It’s like I either have healthy days or junkie days, nothing in between. Monday night John made a very tasty black bean/vegetable soup and turkey sandwiches on wheat bread for dinner. You would have thought we were feeding Meghan and Lane gruel for the look on their face. Ava gobbled up the soup. Go figure. But here’s another little tip/recipe I picked up doing a little research on line that worked GREAT for my family. I took a jarred spaghetti sauce (look for one that doesn’t list corn syrup in the ingredients if you can find it), mixed in some ricotta cheese (light, good source of protein plus it gives a nice creamy flavor) and some frozen chopped spinach. Warm it up, serve with your favorite pasta (whole wheat if you can stand it). It is a great way to hide a vegetable (the spinach is not very noticeable in the sauce) and the ricotta is a great power food.
As I have mentioned with the start of legislative session my days get a little longer and much busier. I am surprised at what a barometer our little girl is… Wednesday night she was very clingy with me, by my side all the time. But Thursday morning she woke up saying ‘Mama,’ wouldn’t go to John and cried when I left her sight. John was taking her into daycare that morning so I got them bundled up and was kissing them goodbye. Ava started crying and kept saying ‘Mama peeeeesee.’ It was quite literally a dagger through my heart. I know these phases are normal. I miss her so much too. I know I’ve been a little more harried, a little more distracted this week, but the guilt and the sadness was nearly more than I could take. This week Ava’s had a cold and probably would have benefited from some time at home. John and I both had busy schedules at work, loaded her up with cold medicine and took her to day care. I don’t feel guilty about her being there from a contamination point of view (no doubt she picked up the cold there) but I feel terrible that she clearly needs her mama and I can’t be there for her. If it wouldn’t bankrupt us I would quit tomorrow. Her little virus has caused a number of rough nights sleep for her. She appears to have inherited my tendency to have scary dreams when I have a fever. The other night she woke up talking about ‘Sully’ from ‘Monsters Inc.’ I asked her if she dreamed about ‘Sully’ and there was a recognition of the question, which she answered with a ‘yeah’ and buried her head into my shoulder. I hope she kicks this soon.
This week I’ve also had kind of a rough step-parenting week. For no good reason, really. It started with this small little thing that has stuck under my skin and kind of grew from there. John and I were bantering on email – I was frustrated by something and he sent me a note of all the people who loved me, trying to cheer me up. Meghan and Lane weren’t on the list. I know it wasn’t probably intentional, but that kind of chaffed at me. Then later that night Lane was considering staying over at our house (the kids are usually at their moms on Thursdays) and changed his mind when he found out his Dad was playing basketball that night and he would be in the house with just me and Ava. It hurt my feelings a little bit. We’re paying a pretty decent chunk of money to send Meghan on a class trip to France this summer. This can only come out sounding selfish and petty, but its my diary… I’ve never been to Paris and I’d love to go. I want to go to Italy so bad it actually hurts to watch “Under the Tuscan Sun.” I know I can’t say no to Meghan’s France trip because she gets to do something I don’t, but it is highlighting the one-sidedness of my relationship with my stepchildren. I know parenting is about sacrifice, but I would argue that custodial step parenting requires exponentially more sacrifice than I can accurately articulate. This is not likely to read the way I think about it, but with Ava I get so much back from her. Those gooey smiles, hugs, kisses – I know she loves me, I know she knows how much I love her. Those things are very diminished with Meghan and Lane. It is my fevrent hope that all the investing I do in their lives now will pay off in an adult relationship with them in the future. Most of the time it doesn’t wear on me like this, so I have to presume these other stressors in my life are exacerbating these feelings.
Our weekend was actually pretty good. Saturday night our sitter came and John and I took advantage of a gift certificate and went out to dinner to celebrate my birthday (which is actually today). We had a pretty average meal, but the price was right! We waited a little while for our table and the bartender poured John an absolutely enormous pour of scotch so we ended up sitting at the restaurant a lot longer than we’d planned, with him nursing that scotch. It was nice to be out together and it was another reminder that we need to be better and more consistent about using a babysitter and getting out just the two of us. We have a wonderful young woman who stays with Ava, but it seems like we only call her when we have an ‘event’ to go to instead of just the couple time we so desperately crave. Doesn’t nearly everything come down to time or money? In this case it’s both.
I got my haircut this week. To me it looks quite a bit different – I had about 3 inches cut off, some gold and red highlights woven through and some long-ish bangs added for good measure. Not one person has said anything to me about it. Even John had to be prompted. Either this is a sign that it doesn’t really look as different as I think it does OR it looks bad and no one wants to say anything. I think it looks pretty good – lighter, fluffier, a little loser. I miss the long, long hair just a little, but I figure it will grow back by summer if I really miss it. It cut my blow dry time down by about 10 minutes and I didn’t lose the ponytail (key) so that’s all good.
To follow up on my doctor’s appointment that went awry last week, the hits just keep coming. The rescheduled appointment was at 3:45pm on Monday (MLK Day). They didn’t see me until 4:30pm. I didn’t realize this re-check was going to be slightly more involved than previous checks. My doctor applied some kind of topical solution to the effected area, and then looked at it under a light to see how the skin reacted. Because nothing is ever easy, naturally the effected area showed some signs of irregularity. The doctor took a sample and sent it for a biopsy. I’ll have the results either Friday or more likely Monday. I am trying very, very hard not to worry, but with only minimal success. For those of you who didn’t follow this initial saga over at Babies Today, the shorthand version of this story is that at my annual exam my gynecologist found a lesion at my (ahem) episiotomy site that turned out to be a pre-cancerous growth that had to removed and biopsied surgically this past summer. The condition is not contagious in any way, it hasn’t invaded my muscle tissue, but it has become this horribly inconvenient and stressful thing in my life. I have to go to the doc every three months for the next year to eighteen months because, if it is to re-occur, as it may have, it is likely to do so in the first year to year and a half. This latest incident left me feeling a bit like the world was caving in on me, which I know is an extreme over reaction, but my reaction none the less. If the biopsy comes back with irregularities I am not at all certain of next steps, so I am just trying to remain hopeful that everything is fine.
Monday night I was just wrecked after my doctor’s appointment. Meghan was having just an abysmal attitude. Apparently she didn’t understand there was only room for one moody woman in the house. No joke I would have cheerfully planted her in the snow bank. I had written a rather long bit about what a challenge she has been lately, but I deleted when I learned why that might be the case lately… If what she understands is correct, her mother and stepfather are filing for divorce. I can’t imagine the stress that is causing in their lives, having lived through their parents divorce, investing in a new relationship, a new family, and then living through another. The kid’s mother can be a bit volatile, so maybe it was just an awful fight that has blown over. Maybe my step parenting fatigue I wrote about earlier is just a reaction to the stress they are feeling. Regardless I am sick thinking about the implications for their lives and the stress of the coming months if this comes to pass. I haven’t written much about John’s first marriage and divorce, mostly because it doesn’t really seem like my story to tell. What I do feel like I want to say is that the decision to end that relationship wasn’t made lightly or hastily. I can’t imagine anyone would make that decision lightly or hastily, especially with kids involved. Even though my relationship with John’s ex can be a bit testy at times my heart does ache for her today.
To top off this ‘dark cloud of despair’ entry, today is my 33rd birthday. I remember when 33 seemed so old. John and I went out Saturday to celebrate, but tonight he is cooking dinner and my parents and grandma are coming over. It feels like there’s a lot of extraneous stress and anxiety that might get wrapped up in this celebration, but I hope to enjoy a tasty meal with my family and, despite my rather dour mood, pause reflect on my many, many blessings and lift a glass to another exciting year.
Thanks for reading—
--Kate
 |  |
|
want to keep a diary on iParenting?
Authoring a diary on the iParenting network allows you to chronicle your family's story, preserving it for years to come. It's also a great way to get the most out of the iParenting community. Click here to start...
|
The iParenting Media Awards program helps parents find the best products for their families. 
