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January 1, 2004
As is fairly par for the course with our family, we’ve managed to squeeze an unbelievable amount into the past week or so. The legislature finally concluded its work last Friday, so I worked from home most of last week. My house was suffering from what amounts to five months worth of neglect and I really wanted to get things in shape for the onslaught of family who were coming to visit for Meghan’s graduation, conveniently timed with Ava’s second birthday. But really the best way to describe my last week/weekend is to use an analogy. It reminded me for all the world of Pilates. You know, where your instructor encourages you to hold a pose, in a push up like position, called the plank. And you look at her and you think to yourself, ‘well that doesn’t look so hard.’ And your instructor says ‘we’re going to hold for two minutes, come down if you need to rest.’ And you scoff to yourself, ‘how hard can that be? Two minutes is nothing!’ And 45 seconds in your whole body is shaking from the exertion of trying to stay centered and balanced in what shouldn’t be too difficult? That’s how I felt all the time the past week. I kept thinking that it shouldn’t be so hard, just stay centered, stay strong, stay balanced – but it required a tremendous amount of energy and effort to do it.
Meghan’s mother played the primary role in planning the graduation party. She had clearly thought through the menu, decorations, theme etc… Since she’s the mom, since the party was at her house I was making all my best efforts to play a behind the scenes supporting role in this event. In my dark moments I felt I had been reduced to a checkbook and caterer, but would steadfastly remind myself that the party was not about me, it was about Meghan. So, I spent quite a lot of time last week doing grocery shopping and food preparation. Food I would have never selected, but that’s fairly beside the point. I don’t really expect anyone to pin a medal on my chest for being a decent human being, but since it’s my diary I will take a moment to explain that this wasn’t the easiest thing I’ve ever done (see Pilates analogy). John’s ex-wife has not always been a source of sweetness and light in my life. Frankly her mere existence isn’t my most favorite thing. I know, blah, blah, blah – all things led us to each other, everyone (well most everyone) has people in their past, including me. But I will freely admit there are times where I’d rather not be reminded about the fact that there is this other woman who factored so prominently in my husband’s life. And yes, I am quite aware of the fact that I have two living, breathing reminders of that relationship who live with me and I love and embrace them. Denial can be helpful, really.
Because the weekend was going to be chock full of graduation festivities we decided to have a fairly low key celebration for our girls second birthday on Friday evening. John had planned to take Friday off, then something came up, so he was going to work a half day, then another thing came up and he wasn’t able to make it home until 4:45pm. So I did all the prep for the ‘not so low key’ BBQ/birthday party for our girl and prepped food for 80 people at Meghan’s graduation party most of the day Thursday and Friday. Oh, and for some reason I decided store bought treats were not adequate for Ava’s class at daycare so I made cupcakes too. I’ll quietly move on from my campaign for sainthood (martyrdom? Institutionalization?) now.
On to the very bright spots of my weekend while I try to quickly gloss over the not so bright spots. Friday morning was very nice. Meghan and I took Ava to daycare and then went to get manicured and pedicured. We had a grand time and I am so glad to have had the opportunity to do that with her – to have the special acknowledgement of a big weekend, a nice little pampering for both of us. Upon our arrival back in town Meghan and her mother had an enormous fight that introduced a new level of drama into our afternoon/evening as John’s family began arriving and I continued my ‘Fantasia’ like cooking. Without going into any details I will just say that I felt just terrible for Meghan and will file that moment away in my mind as a ‘what not to do the weekend your daughter is experiencing a big milestone’ and leave it at that.
The BBQ Friday night actually turned out to be quite a bit of fun once we got everyone in, John home etc… Ava loved the attention even though I’m fairly certain she wasn’t exactly clear what it was all about. She behaved as if we’d all finally come around to the way she expects to be treated everyday, not just on her birthday. (smile) Last year there was a huge mash of cake everywhere on our girl. This year she was slightly more delicate and was very intent on helping to use the little spatula to serve everyone, including her little friends that live directly behind us who have cake radar and showed up in our backyard right on cue. For her birthday she got some new and completely adorable outfits, a couple of toys, a table and chairs for her room and a large mountain climber slide from Little Tikes. As usual our friends and family were unbelievably generous.
Saturday we spent most of the morning running around with final preparations for Meghan’s party. Despite the drama of the fight between Meghan and her mother I would say the party went very well. I arrived early to deliver and set up the food – Meghan’s mother and aunt were there, very nice to me. It is hard to describe how it felt moving around her kitchen, looking in drawers and cupboards for utensils and plates… At one point I was holding a dishtowel and noticed that we had exactly the same one. Was it part of a pre-divorce set or were they just on sale at Target and it was a coincidence? Weird things. John, Ava and the rest of his family arrived shortly before the party started. I was happy to see John, but ecstatic to see my girl. She was wearing her little poofy prairie skirt and t-shirt. But I will say, our girl is not a skirt girl. Two minutes in she took off her sandals and was sitting in the grass, swinging on the swing, playing in their backyard fountain. About an hour into the party I ended up changing her into the back up outfit I carry in her diaper bag – a pair of shorts and a t-shirt so she could really play.
Meghan showed her first, real, spontaneous bit of affection with me at the conclusion of her party. I was getting ready to leave and she hopped up, left her friends, came over to me, gave me a hug, got kind of choked up and said ‘Thank you for everything Kate.’ It choked me up too. I’m not saying she’s never said or done anything nice for me or to me – she certainly has. This was an unexpected, unscripted, unprompted bit of an adult relationship that warmed me to my toes. I think those moments occur regardless of whether you are a step-parent or a biological parent and it felt pretty darn good. It felt even better to me the next day when, at the conclusion of her graduation ceremony, Meghan gave me a mother’s flower. Sealed the deal on manicures and pedicures for life.
I think what I learned from my role in this party is probably good practice for the many major milestones that ‘our’ kids will have over the course of their loves. I think I showed John’s ex-wife and the kids both that I can play a loving and supportive role and still understand that I’m not the mom, I’m the center of this. For myself I learned that I need to dial it back, take good care of myself and stay very steady. But I know it was meaningful for Meghan to have me involved, to have my support. She joked at one point that if this was so stressful what would planning a wedding be like? I answered this was probably good practice and a good thing to remember. (Hint, beach wedding! Hint, use a caterer!)
Graduation itself was so painfully dull John and I started giggling and assigning everything back to line from ‘Finding Nemo’, which we’ve seen about 500 times courtesy of Ava. It was probably only funny to us, but we were laughing so hard we had tears in our eyes – ‘Escape’ ‘Swim away!’ ‘Kill the motor dude’ ‘Keep swimming’ ‘Find a happy place, find a happy place.’ The ceremony ran TWO HOURS. I’ve never understood why those rituals can’t be improved.
Monday we spent the afternoon at my parent’s pool with our friends Jim, Sandra and their daughter Sophia. Meghan had some friends over too and we had a delightful afternoon. Although after all the drama of the weekend we were pretty emotionally exhausted. Jim and Sandra were present all the way through our weekend, which was a lovely and unexpected bit of grace and support. They came Friday night for Ava’s celebration, Saturday to the graduation party (where I can’t even tell you how nice it was to see some of ‘my people’ walk through the door) and then Monday for some pool time. Reminding me once again there’s the family you are born into and the family you create for yourself along the way.
You’d read all this and probably ask ‘where’s Lane?’ Lane was steadfast throughout the weekend and spent quite a bit of time entertaining his uncles and nephews. He also announced to us that when it is time for his graduation he would much prefer a family dinner at his favorite restaurant in the Virgin Islands – where we went for our wedding and honeymoon. (BTW – what trendsetters are we? That’s where Rene Zellwegger got married) Meghan has been living with us full time since the holidays but Lane continues to go back and forth between our house and his mother’s house. I would say that he is probably spending more time with his mom right now – I don’t know if its because Meghan is with us or another reason, but we’re trying to be respectful of the fact that he’s 16 and capable of articulating his wishes. The ‘old’ schedule had the kids with us four nights a week, Sun, Mon, Wed, Fri. I would say Lane is probably down to only spending two, maybe three days a week at our house.
Moving on….
A funny (to us) thing I’ve noticed that we’re doing with our girl. We started to use funny sentence structures to talk around her ever-ballooning vocabulary. An example – the other night John couldn’t find Ava’s Blue Baby at bed time. So he called out to me ‘Kate, where’s Ava’s sky-colored child?’ Or Ava loves to have a little Ziploc bag of ‘sugar’ cereal (Trix or Coco Puffs) after she finishes her Rice Krispies in the morning – or at other times throughout the day. We do try to limit the sugary stuff, but I know it is not the worst snack, particularly since it is fortified within an inch of its life. Anyway, she was clamoring for cereal and John asked me what she was fussing about. I answer ‘Ava wants the rainbow colored breakfast item she enjoys as a snack.’ Perhaps this is our version of spelling out words we don’t want her to hear? At the rate her vocabulary is booming we won’t be able to do this much longer.
About six months ago I planned a get away with my friends for this coming weekend. We’re going to Phoenix, where my friend and former boss has a home. I leave Friday morning, return Monday afternoon and cannot wait. I got a deal on the plane ticket and lodging is obviously free. We’re going to do a spa day at the Golden Door where I have scheduled a massage as a treat to myself. We’ve had an expensive couple of weeks with Meghan’s graduation and Ava’s birthday, but I am choosing to look at this expenditure as cheaper than long term therapy. I can’t wait. Our schedule makes me want to weep with joy – we arrive Friday late afternoon and are going to have sushi for dinner. (very hard to get good sushi in Iowa – shocked? Not really) Saturday morning we’re going to go for a nice long hike, then spend the rest of the day lounging by the pool, talking and maybe doing a bit of shopping. Sunday is spa day – we arrive mid-morning for a good workout, then a nice long massage. Float home to cook dinner there. Depart Monday. Yes I will miss John and Ava madly, but this is good for my soul. Of course this trip is scheduled for the same weekend as Meghan’s college orientation. John and his ex-wife are splitting their time and hopefully my folks will be able to help a little bit with Ava.
On that note, I believe I’ll close for now.
Thanks for reading—
--Kate
PS I am working on getting all my pictures off the digital camera and onto Ava’s webpage. When I get it updated I will post a link on my TTM board if you’re interested.
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