 | Diary Navigation:
|
August 22, 2003
I’m a BAD mommy…
Have you ever come to such a horrific realization about yourself? I think it just may be the worst feeling in the world. It enveloped me today, and this is how it happened…
I had been spending all morning on the computer, trying to get caught up with all of my message boards and e-mails. I had put on a video for Sarah, and that occupied her most of the time. Occasionally, though, she would wander over to me and whine at me. I would redirect her attention, as usual, back to the T.V, or her blocks, or her coloring… You get the idea. I mean, sheesh, I was TRYING to read here. Can’t she see that?
After a while, I started to realize how much time had slipped away, and I felt the guilt nagging at me. I decided to sign off, and go spend some quality time with my daughter. We had gone to the library yesterday, so she brought me book after book to read to her. Then, I looked through a book of toddler games that I had picked up. We did lots of interactive songs (Wheels on the Bus, Itsy Bitsy Spider, etc.) and movement. It was at one of those moments that I noticed her face. She was so happy to be playing with me. It was at that moment (and again, as I’m writing this) that I wanted to cry. I felt like my heart was being ripped from my chest. All my precious little girl wanted was some time with me! She wasn’t trying to annoy me while I was busy, and she wasn’t acting up. She was saying, “Mommy, I love you! I want to be with you. Please come play with me. Aren’t I important to you? I need you!”
Please forgive me, as I am sobbing hysterically right now. I need a minute…
Well, I just feel like the worst mother ever. It really makes me so sick to my stomach. Why did I have a child; why did I want to be a SAHM, if this is how I am going to treat her?
So I decided on the spot that things have got to change. I spend WAY too much time online, and not nearly enough on much more important things. And it’s not just Sarah- the housework is suffering, and so is my relationship with God. So, like a child who can’t control herself, I need limits. Although in my case, they will be self-imposed. I will be limiting the amount of time I spend online. I will come up with some sort of time allowance, and I will also only be coming on when Sarah is sleeping or spending time with Daddy. So, I still feel awful, but I think this new plan is going to help a lot.
*****
On to more positive things, before I flood this place!
Someone generously donated a nice crib to us, so we are assembling it this weekend for Sarah. Then, DH will begin the process of moving her out of our bed into her own. He has had great success in sleep training her so far, and my motto is, “Don’t mess with success!” LOL. What really makes me happy, is that she hasn’t had to cry-it-out. He stays with her the whole time, but maintains minimal contact. She knows he’s there, and that’s enough for her. She settles to sleep on her own rather quickly. I have to admit that I was very surprised because with me, she is very adamant about nursing to sleep. I have tried several times to put her to sleep like he does, with NO success. I guess she just takes him more seriously than me. He is loving but firm, whereas I give in to her too much. I can’t STAND to hear her scream and cry, so I just give her what she wants. I know, that is VERY bad, and I am setting myself up for years of trouble. I just don’t have it in me, I guess, to see her suffer. Boy, do I need a lot of work or what?
Sigh. Look, I was trying to move to a positive thing, and here I am as the bad guy again! I really need to firm up, though. I feel like a doormat mom. Anyone else going/gone through this? This misery needs some company.
*****
OK, I’ll try ONCE more! I have been getting some questions on our plans for this homebirth. I only want to address one in particular right now, because it is the one that has been on my mind the most.
What are we going to do with Sarah during the birth?
The truth is, I have no idea. I have endlessly debated all the options:
-Have someone come over and watch her.
-Have her go to someone else’s house.
-Just keep her here- she’ll be fine.
Then, of course, there are the questions it brings:
-She will only be 2 years old. Will she really be fine?
-Will it freak her out?
-Will she be her sweet loving self, or will she be fussy and demanding?
-Will having her around be a blessing to me or an unwelcome distraction?
-If we do keep her around, who will watch her? The only people I want at this birth are already attending. (DH, doula, midwife. That’s it. Period. I don’t want anyone else.)
-If we send her somewhere else, can we get her back in time for the actual birth?
-What if I am laboring overnight and she is sleeping? Do I need someone then, in case she wakes up?
SO many questions, and no answers! So, as you can see, we still have an incredible amount of thinking to do. What I really want is to hear from others who have home birthed with older children present. How old were your kids? How did they react? Did they add to, or detract from your birth experience? If you were to do it over, what would you do differently?
TALK TO ME!! =)
Jennifer
 |  |
|
want to keep a diary on iParenting?
Authoring a diary on the iParenting network allows you to chronicle your family's story, preserving it for years to come. It's also a great way to get the most out of the iParenting community. Click here to start...
|
The iParenting Media Awards program helps parents find the best products for their families. 
