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February 6, 2003
After reading a discussion on Jeanette's board about breastfeeding in hospitals, I was inspired to write this entry. Hope you all like it.
Sarah nursed an hour after she was born and it went very well. It was an amazing experience and I will always remember that first special nursing session...
However, after that, she was tired and didn't really want to do anything but sleep. She roomed in with us, but every 2 or 3 hours, the nurse would come in and turn on all the lights, wake up me, DH, and Sarah (when all ANY of us wanted to do was sleep!) and say, "OK, it's time to nurse." Of course, I wanted to do what was best for my baby, so I tried, but she just wasn't interested. We had just gone through BIRTH for goodness sake! We should have just been allowed to rest. After all, newborns are capable of going a day or two (Jeanette, am I right?) after birth without really eating anything. I figured Sarah would let me know when she was hungry...
Now I understand encouraging breastfeeding, and I am all for it...but this lady was going about it all the wrong way! (She was older and was Indian, I think. In fact, when I first saw her, I did a double take, b/c she looked a lot like my mother-in-law!) Anyway, she kept coming back, all through the night like this, waking us all up (my poor DH) and trying to make Sarah nurse, and every time it didn't work, I began to feel more and more inadequate. Finally, sleep-deprived and hormonal, I told my DH, "I am a terrible mother! She won't even eat. I don't want to do this anymore. Ask them if I can pump so she can just have a bottle and I can sleep."
Like the good husband he is, he went to find a nurse and ask. UNFORTUNATELY, he came back with HER!! She said, "You don't want to breastfeed?" I tried to explain that I DID want to, but it wasn't working and I just wanted to sleep. Then, of ALL things!! She had the nerve to say, "No, we're going to try again. We're going to breastfeed." and she brought me the baby again!
When she left, I was in tears with my DH. I felt like I was an unfit mother. I was SO glad when her shift ended and I got a WONDERFUL young nurse who was knowledgeable and gentle. She was so relaxed about it, she put me at ease and I felt much better.
On top of my problems with that nurse, there was something else that added to my feelings of insecurity-well, indirectly, anyway. It was my DH...My husband was a natural with Sarah from the start...he seemed to know just how to hold her, he was the first one to change her, he knew how to swaddle her, etc. It was as if he was born to do this.
I, on the other hand, was a different story. I always thought that I would fall in love with her instantly, as soon as she was born. I always heard about that "mother love" that floods you upon your baby's arrival, but it just didn't happen for me. I felt many things when she came out: I was glad that L&D was over. I was happy she was here and healthy and safe. I was tired. I was a little delirious. I said to DH that night (about 12 hours after her birth) "How set are you on having anymore kids?...Cause I don't know if I can do this again!" (LOL)
Of course, I loved her, but it took a little while for those really STRONG feelings of love to take hold. I think it was probably a few days later, actually. We were at home and I was just looking at her, lying there on the couch. She was so small and so perfect. Our little miracle. I remember thinking, "I'd do it again. It was so worth it." At that moment, as I was considering future children only a few days after giving birth, I knew I had fallen totally in love with my sweet daughter.
Wow. It was unintentional, but I believe this entry has led me to a timely topic that I was wanting to discuss anyway: Baby #2
DH & I discussed a while back and came to a decision that we would like to have #2 shortly after Sarah is 2 years old, around Spring 2004. This means we would have to start TTC this summer. Now that it is already February and summer is not that far off, I am feeling like "Whew! Are we ready for this?" Sarah is still so young and VERY demanding of my time and energy. Logically, I realize that it will be more than a year before the baby (if all goes accordingly) will actually be here. Sarah will be a totally different person by then! I just can't manage to think past the present. I feel that she will stay this way forever, attached to me at the hip, but I know she won't. I guess I am just a little nervous about how I will handle two young ones, but I know plenty of people who have kids MUCH closed together than this, so I guess it will be fine.
The main thing I am truly worried about, though, is our living situation and finances. See, right now we are living in Canada, but we plan to move back to Florida ASAP. We just aren't sure when that will be b/c DH has to get his papers. The church he used to work at when we lived there REALLY wants him to come back, so they are working together with us to try to figure out how to get his papers done. So, you see what I am saying? I am afraid to get pregnant and then not know where we are going to be living, or planning a big move like this in the middle of my pregnancy. Also, since I am not a citizen here, if I get pregnant, I have no insurance. That is a BIG problem because we definitely do not have the money to pay for all those medical bills "out-of-pocket". So, if things are not settled by the summer, we may have to put off TTC. I don't really want to, but we may have no choice.
Anyway, sorry for dumping all my troubles on you, but I just needed to get that all out in the open. Makes me feel better to see it all in black & white- then I can go about figuring out what to do about it. Well, thanks for listening! Hope everyone has a great day!
See ya!
Jennifer
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