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July 8, 2004
Well, it has been two weeks since my last entry… the longest yet between updates. There has been a lot going on, yet actually very little in the grand scheme. Some things I want to write about, but fear my diary could be dubbed the “Holly’s so depressed Chronicles”. Well, anyone who chooses to read that into it is mistaken, though it does seem to be true of late. Oh, where to start?
Well, I suppose I will start from two weeks ago. We found out that Adam’s company has hired someone from outside the company to assume the position he has filled for the last 10 months as an “Interim General Manager” rather than promote Adam. This has come as a great shock since he has been told on several occasions that if there weren’t a prior commitment to another GM within the company, they would make Adam permanent in this position. Well, without going into boring details, I will just say that in the last week and a half, Adam has sent his resume to at least 8 different companies. Nothing yet, but we are praying still. We know that God will take care of us and that He will provide the right job at the right time, but it is a blow to Adam’s ego to have to go back to his job from one year ago with the pay from one year ago after doing everything right in the greater position for nearly a year.
I think this stress about the job has been more damaging for my depression than I was letting on before and after seeing my therapist whilst vacationing in Florida, we decided that it is time to get some medication for my anxiety. Well, if she and I agree that it is time to try meds as a way to get me out of this funk, it must be a serious funk – she and I agree that medications should be used as a last resort (at least in my case) due to the side effects. Actually, I left a message for the nurse at my midwife office this morning. I am also going to ask about these crazy-short cycles I have been having and I kinda wonder if this depression is somewhat due to weird hormonal stuff. I mean, I have been having 22-23 day cycles and have never in my life had cycles this short. I have had 3 visits from AF since May 23! This is getting ridiculous.
Enough of my poohing and moaning. Geez, I just called to check in with Adam (normal, just calling to see if he had heard anything about a job anywhere) – and he told me he just finished sending his resume off to some place in Texas. Come on, we are so desperate that we would consider moving as far away as Texas?! The answer to that question is “Yes, we are that desperate.” Goodness, how life has changed in a matter of weeks. Back to the point of why I need to get off this talking about me stuff – I was telling Adam that I am just at my wits end with this bleeding and depression and that I just could go back to bed and cry and we just kinda sat there on the phone, not saying anything. I said I would let him go since we didn’t really have anything left to say right now and he said that the silence didn’t bother him – sometimes all we want is to know the other one is there with us. Well, that was it. I started crying and whimpering and told him I would talk to him later.
I have to get out of this messy emotional spell. Let me talk about the girls – maybe it will cheer me up.
Going to Nanny and Pop pop’s!
Last week, we drove down to Florida to visit family. Adam’s parents were leaving the next day for the month (they are teaching some priests and seminarians on retreat/sabbatical), but offered that we could stay at their house for the week. So, we were fortunate to be able to spend a couple hours with them our first day there and the girls were very sad each time we returned to the house and found it empty. Veronica told me over and over that she “hoped Nanny and Pop pop missed (her and Ana) – because I miss them!” It was the sweetest thing to see my girls with their grandparents – all of them. Because we spent a great deal of time at my mom and step-dad’s, who have just put a pool in their backyard. We can’t wait to go back when it is all finished so we can all really enjoy it.
The main purpose of the trip was to help Adam’s grandparents get settled into their new place (a larger apartment in a different retirement community). Well, let me tell you that two 85 year old folks can be incredibly stubborn. We did help them get a few things done and the main blessing was we were there when the battery of their car finally pooped out after who knows how long of the lights being left on at all times (even when the car is shut off). Well, we enjoyed spending time with the girls’ great-grandparents, even if Adam and I were not able to be much help (they had already done most of the unpacking and things before we even came to town). Great Pop pop pushes the girls on the swings at the park and they all three get such a kick out of it – GP saying “get out of here!” each time he pushes the swing and the girls giggling and telling him “silly Great Pop pop!” It is so much fun and a highlight of each of our trips back home. Great Nanny just sits on the benches in the park and is quite uncomfortable due to back problems. It was nice because Adam was there this time and I sat with his grandmother while he kept an eye on the girls. She told me how she had back problems even when her children were small and she would turn her face so they wouldn’t see the tears running down her face. This is a woman who rarely reveals anything personal, so I felt it was significant that she shared such a painful memory with me. Adam was astounded – he had never heard of her long-term physical pain and these are the grandparents that he and his sister would visit each summer for weeks on the Jersey shore. It was a nice visit, though, it becomes more apparent with each visit that we may not move back to Florida in time for the girls to spend a lot of time and get to know them well.
We had a wonderful time visiting some other friends (we didn’t tell many that we were even coming to town because we often are exhausted from too much running around to see people while we are there). We have had a hard time getting together with some friends because the last two times, one or both of us have had sick children, so we couldn’t get all the kids together to pass around germs. I did see her briefly, though, in order to drop off gifts for her new baby and middle son’s birthday. It was such a brief hello and see ya later because we hoped that we’d be able to get together before I left town again, but I realized yesterday that I don’t know when I will see her again since they are moving next week to Rhode Island (her husband is in the military). I have another friend who has a problem with her back and she has spent much of the last 3 weeks flat on the couch or in bed, so we didn’t get to spend much time with them either. Some of our best friends were around and healthy, so we spent a deal of time with them and their 3 children. We have gone through two pregnancies together and have spent a lot of time with these folks (my husband and I have each chaperoned a trip to Europe with the husband who is a high school French teacher).
It was a nice trip and lovely to spend the fireworks with some dear friends who we just don’t get to see enough. We would have loved to be able to spend days and days with everyone, but because we don’t live there anymore, it is hard to devote much time to any one person when we are in town. We hope the girls and I will be able to go back for a long weekend or something in August before Veronica starts school. We are going back for a weekend in September to see Sting and Annie Lennox in concert and take the girls to Disney World for Veronica’s birthday celebration.
We are home now and glad to be back in our own space. I would rather be in Florida in our own space, but I am happy here with the new friends that we are making. Already, we have plans for the next several weekends and I am looking forward to my cousin coming back for a visit, hopefully.
I am going to sign off for now. I know I didn’t talk much about the girls, but I will end by telling you, dear diary, that my beautiful daughters are the motivation for me to get through each day. I get so much happiness and comfort from them and I try not to put too much pressure on them by needing them too much, but boy, in this darkness of my mind, Veronica and Anastasia are the lights of my life.
I love you, sweet girls, and appreciate all you do to try to help mommy feel better – keep the hugs and kisses coming!
Until next time, may God bless you and yours,
Holly
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