 | Diary Navigation:
|
June 7, 2004
I am starting to realize that PPD is not something that is going to go away easily/quickly this time. Pretending doesn’t help – though, I do have to admit it is nice getting these things done around the house. I have considered calling my midwife and asking her to prescribe something. But, I am holding steadfast – what if she calls in something and I spent $30+ to fill the scrip, I spend two weeks pumping unnatural drugs into my system that prevent me from sleeping, only to feel dead emotionally in the upcoming weeks? What if I did that to my body when in fact all I have left is another two weeks or month of feeling like this? I know that the drugs have improved since I last took them a number of years ago, but that was definitely a year from hell – I slept no more than 2-3 hours/night for an entire year. The only time I did sleep was when I took a sleeping pill – which effectively knocked me out for 10 hours, but instead of feeling refreshed in the morning, I felt that my night had been plagued by nightmares and I was totally hungover from the drugs.
This is a topic that makes some uncomfortable. In fact, someone very important to me flat out refuses to talk about his/her need to take anti-depressants. I am not judging, but hey, there is no shame in taking care of yourself and if it means taking something (legal) to correct a rough spot in your emotional equilibrium, I am all for it – especially if it is working. A new friend of mine from church recently told me all about her health issues – issues that I think so many women probably deal with silently and refrain from getting help. The only thing that finally got this woman to see a doctor about what was going on with her was she had a panic attack – and she had no idea what it was and feared she was having a heart attack. Sad. And for the last so many months, she has been on medication to help get her balanced out and it has been helping her immensely. What a wonderful thing – to take the steps necessary to get yourself better and that she was willing to share that part of her life with me, just makes me feel warm and fuzzy – obviously she thinks enough of me to tell me something that she fails to tell even some of her longest friends. I would never have known this woman is ‘on drugs’. In fact, I would never know when I meet people on anti-anxiety/depressant medications. But, for that year my health-caregivers were trying that route with me, everyone noticed that something wasn’t right with me.
Which brings me back to my current state. What in heaven’s name do I do? Do I wait it out and pray that it doesn’t get worse (I don’t really think it will, but you never know with me)? Do I call the doc and try one of the new “miracle” anti-depressant meds? Do I concentrate by thanking God for the blessings in my life and just hope that some help in the next week will be enough to alleviate my stress level and therefore deem me better?
By mentioning help this week, I am alluding to the fact that my 14 year old cousin is coming for the week. Her family lives a few hours away in SC and now that school is out, she has a lot of time on her hands. Since she is too young to have a job, but old enough to want her own money, she has decided she wants to start babysitting. My kids are the guinea pigs. Actually, I am looking forward to it. Free babysitting and help during the days. She can keep the girls occupied in the other room or outside playing while I get the much-needed projects done around here. My faking it phase did bring some improvements around here, but there is so much I can’t do with the additional responsibility of keeping Veronica and Ana safe and happy by myself.
So, this is what I am going to do this week, my laundry list of sorts:
Finally get through the girls’ closet and get rid of so many toys that have not been played with in nearly more than a year. Some things I can pack up and send off to an organization that helps needy children. Some things I would like to save and at some point (July 4th?) take them to my ILs to store in their attic until a new baby comes (hopefully ours, but if my SIL decides to bear fruit, she is welcome to use our things).
Go through our linen closet. I am tempted to do this one today, but we have invited some friends over for lunch and rather than preparing, I am sitting here writing a new diary entry…. Hmmm…
Go through the playroom. There are so many junky toys – you know, the ones from happy meals or from the dollar store, bought to occupy them for just one more stop on our shopping list. I am on a mission to de-clutter this place if it maims me (I don’t like the thought of dying any time soon – I have girls to raise!). I figure we have no idea what is happening with Adam’s job and if we move soon, I don’t want to move this crap again. If we stay here a while longer, I want the place to feel nicer, cleaner – apartment living has been convenient, but the space is starting to get on our nerves – I figure the more I can do to make it pleasant the longer we can stand being here. I digress…
Take all the crazy and extraneous stuff that I have found to Goodwill. Actually I am hoping to find a women’s shelter to take the things to and just take dh’s old clothes to Goodwill – or maybe a different shelter. Hmmmm…. More work for myself to find these places, but maybe definitely worth the effort.
I would also like to finally get the window treatments up in the girls’ room. I mean, hey, we’ve only lived here for 10 months. :) And maybe do some little projects in their room to make it more theirs (I have a picture that has needed a frame for quite some time and there is even a place above Ana’s bed for it, I have some material to make some throw pillows for their beds, I need to get rid of one of the dressers in their room and get something else to put the clothes in… you get the picture).
I bought fabric and a pattern to make them some dresses.
Now, am I delusional about the possibility of getting all this done? Probably. But, I would love to at least get everything done this month. I can probably get most of it done this week. And I still have this notion, that if I get these things done and get my lazy butt to the gym every day, my fog will lift and I will magically feel better & finally back to my normal. My plan for the year is to just get things together enough with myself that I am comfortable with the idea of getting pregnant again (something I desperately want, but insist on waiting until I am in better physical shape and can have a better attitude).
I know so many start blogs because they figure these woman issues are things that should not be documented on iParenting. But I figure this is my diary and as far as I am concerned, these things are part of my life as a mom, so I will write about them on my diary here. If you don’t like my opinions, all I ask is that you be respectful with any comments. I don’t consider myself the expert for everyone, just myself and my family. (For the record, I love reading some of the blogs out there, I just don’t see the need to keep one myself.)
Well, since this entry has nothing to do with my kids, I will end by telling you that I have submitted some recent pictures of them to be included in this entry. I have no idea if they will ever be posted here (since my thumbnail picture still hasn’t been posted on my diary), but I love these pictures that I took yesterday. Actually, come to think of it, isn’t Tanya in charge of posting photos? I will give her a break since she DID just move into a new house and get a new puppy and all kinds of crazy-busy stuff is happening in her life. One day, check back for pictures of my beautiful girls. :)
Wishing for all of you a blessed and happy week!
Yours,
Holly
 |  |
|
want to keep a diary on iParenting?
Authoring a diary on the iParenting network allows you to chronicle your family's story, preserving it for years to come. It's also a great way to get the most out of the iParenting community. Click here to start...
|
The iParenting Media Awards program helps parents find the best products for their families. 
