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May 24, 2004
Howdy! You may have noted in my previous entries that I have been dealing with some post-partum depression… If not, then note here that I have been a hormonal-emotional wreck since about the 2nd week of April. Supposedly it gets worse with each child and that had been true so far, just some baby blues after Veronica’s birth and then some real depression-like symptoms after Ana was born. Well, since Gabriella died before her premature birth, I was not anticipating going through the same post-partum symptoms as what is considered “normal”. In fact, I never considered that I would have milk come in (for more than a month I dealt with the discomfort of milk production) or that I would have to deal with any post-partum blues or depression that was not related directly to losing our child. How wrong I was.
If not for some commitments I had at our new church and the fact that I wanted to start building relationships there (not to mention the thought of not seeing Adam for 3 weeks!), I would have spent the entire month of April in Florida with my friends and family there. I had planned a trip to visit friends and family while dh was going to be on a business trip (I was also going to use the time to sort through our baby things stored at my IL’s home) and then dh was going to join us and we (our family of 4) were going to spend a week in Orlando on official vacation. Since my MIL came up to help when everything happened with Gabriella, I could have easily driven back to FL with her that first weekend. But, like I said, I wanted to try to “live” and put down some roots here (we’ve been here since August last year), even if it meant for only 2 weeks until my planned trip, plus I figured more than one week without Adam was more than I could take at that point.
Well, I went to Florida with the girls and had a wonderful time seeing friends and family (one friend went to the trouble of planning and hosting a birthday party for Ana in order to get all our friends in one place so I wouldn’t have to drive around to visit everyone!). In spite of the fact that it was supposed to be a week filled with rest and recuperation, I found that I was nearly as active as usual, but did go to bed by 9 every night – which never happens at home. While I was in town, I visited Dr. F, my therapist. Okay, it wasn’t a visit, it was really a session (extended, even), but it almost felt like catching up with an old friend and a spot of great advice to go with it. She deemed me to be coping well and helped point out to me all the things I am doing right – everyone should have that once in a while!
Vacation was wonderful – we love Orlando. We went to Universal Studios and Islands of Adventure courtesy of a friend who gave us 2-day passes (we have some great friends!) and spent the rest of the time hanging out at the pool with the girls. They proved to be energetic and “just like Nemo” in the water with no adjustment time needed this year. We relaxed a lot and dh even suggested I get a massage (he even made the appointment at the resort!). It was so so nice.
Then, back to Atlanta…. This is where it sets in that vacation was just a break and being with my family and friends just prolonged the inevitable: some heavy PPD kicked in (I had some indications of it in Florida, but the distractions prevented too much craziness from seeping in, plus I had help every day with the girls). My fuse has been short and the poor dears have been spending an awful lot of time in their room in time-out because I just can’t cope with their fighting and squawking all the time. I know part of it is that we need to get into a daily habit of getting out of the house, even if we just go for a walk, and the rest is just that they are at ages where everything is “mine”. I seem to lose my temper and shout at them to stop their fighting and while I don’t feel like yelling is as bad as other things I could be doing, I don’t want them to feel intimidated by me or frightened by me (I have clear memories of being scared out of my wits of my dad when he yelled at me). I have spent a lot of time laying on the couch, sometimes dozing, other times just staring blankly at the wall or window or TV, most days I wouldn’t get myself or the girls dressed until right before dh came home from work. I knew I was spiraling further and further into a world that I have fought hard to keep myself out of for the past 6 or so years.
In spite of my best efforts to try to pull myself out of my funk: working on starting a prayer group for the moms at our church, arranging some playdates and some date nights for dh and me, having friends over for dinner, etc., I just could not seem to get myself up and running, so to speak. So, that leads me to my newest idea: pretending… I decided about a week and half ago that I would just pretend that I am “normal” and feeling fine. I started by getting Veronica enrolled in her pre-K program for the fall as well as summer reading at the library; I have made some concrete plans for the prayer group to be presented at the Moms group meeting this Thursday; I finally got our taxes done!; I cleaned out the closet on the patio (I have been meaning to do it for months); I cleaned my bedroom; I started going to the gym again; I am working on getting my office cleaned (see how good I am at getting that done? I am sitting here writing a new diary entry instead!) and organized; and have plans for this week to get the girls’ closet cleaned out and the excess toys donated somewhere as well as the bags and boxes of clothes and other items that I have cleaned from the other rooms. My point of this pretending is that if I just get up in the morning and start doing the things that I have been putting off for so long, eventually the burden of those things will be gone and maybe the PPD will slip away quickly. Plus, if I get in the habit of going to the gym, maybe I won’t have to be so freaked out about my health and worried that I will have a heart attack at any moment (my dad died at 38 years old and my mom had a heart attack at 44).
So…. That is it. My new plan – just fake it ‘til I make it.
I am a confident and healthy and beautiful woman who can accomplish every thing I put my mind to. I am spiritually fulfilled and helping others to reach their own points of happiness, leading by example for my children and my friends and my community. I am strong and able and I look great (not yet, really, but this is part of the faking it) and feel great. I am going to change the world by helping one person at a time.
I hope you all have a great week and may God bless you and keep you safe and healthy.
With Much Happiness (in spite of the depression),
Holly
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