 | Diary Navigation:
|
May 12, 2004
Well, we went in about 11pm and I was given cervadil orally twice and not much was happening. In the morning, the OB on call came in like a tornado and suggested a D&E which I had vehemently refused the night before with the other OB – it was noted in my chart, which this guy obviously didn’t have the time to read. Anyway, after dh I realized that this was going to be a difficult day (with an OB who just didn’t get it), we three decided to double the dose of cervadil and do it vaginally instead of orally. We also discussed pain meds which I refused because the best option is an epidural (allows you to be most aware of what is going on) and with Veronica’s l&d, I had a terrible reaction to the epidural and couldn’t walk for nearly 24 hours after her birth. So, with the dr. looking at me like I am total lunatic, he gave the nurse orders to give the stuff to induce and he would return later. The big dose was given about 10 am and I was hooked up again to monitor contractions. Well, the monitor was not very effective as it never picked up an increase in the contrax and by 1 pm I was breathing through most of them. About 1:30 Dr. Evil returned to check on me and determined that it would still be a while and encouraged me to order the epidural immediately – no reason to feel any pain since I was going to be giving birth to a dead baby, I suppose. By 2 I was starting to cry a little from the pain and told dh that I wanted to ask about something for the pain (as little as possible, just to take the edge off). He wanted to go find the nurse, but I knew she’d be returning with another dose of the cervadil within 10 minutes, so I told him to just stay with me. When she came in, I asked her to check on things because I didn’t think I needed another dose – I felt that things were progressing already w/o more drugs. She checked and felt the baby, “right there” at my cervix. **Please note that the next paragraph includes some very detailed and personal information, if you are squeamish at all, do no read on.**
The nurse started racing around, trying to get things in order and I asked her as she was running out to call Dr. E to help me – I needed to empty my bladder in the worst way. She said “I can’t let you walk to the bathroom with the baby right there” and I said, “I realize that, but we have to do something or I am going to wet the bed!” She folded up a towel and help scoot it underneath me (can you say ugh!? Who wants to lie in bed and just pee on a towel?!) & then ran out of the room to call Dr. E. As soon as I soaked the towel, I felt our baby just sliding right out – the extra space created was just enough for her to get through. She landed on the towels at 2:19 pm (I had had dh remove the soaked one, much to his disgust) and as much as I wanted to look at her (we didn’t know yet it was a girl), the look on dh’s face said that I just should stay put. You see, the nurse had to advise us earlier that due to the fact we didn’t know just how long she had been dead; there was the possibility that she might not be fully intact at birth. So, of course, since she was wrapped in her amniotic sac and was bloody and small, dh didn’t know what he was looking at and didn’t want me to be more freaked out than I already was.
One very important detail that I have left out is that one of my midwives (CNM) had been in and out with us all day in spite of the case being removed from their care (CNMs are only supposed to deal with normal, healthy patients – not ones delivering very preterm dead babies). My midwives’ involvement with us was out of their care for me and at my request – I needed the human element addressed in ways that the dr. was not capable of. The midwife (A.) and Dr. E. arrived at the same time (they work in the same practice & walked across the street together) and took the baby off the bed. Dr. E. briefly looked her over and then handed her off to A. so he could tend to me. After getting her cleaned off, A. told us that the baby had been another girl – dh went over and gazed at her tiny body and beautiful face. Meanwhile, dr. was trying to get me to deliver the placenta. They had hooked me up to some pitocin to speed up the process, but it wasn’t helping at first. Finally, I delivered the placenta, only about the size of my hand. Well, darnit, the thing was not intact and I was still bleeding. Dr. E. talked about doing a D&E which would now require me to be knocked out in the OR (since I had been stubborn & didn’t get an epidural). I didn’t really want that (I wanted to go home ASAP), so he suggested doing a quick D&C right there in my room. He advised this would be painful since I had had no anesthesia, but when I looked at A., she encouraged me to try – it would mean a faster escape from the hospital and less recovery time if it worked. Well, for those of you have had the unfortunate occasion to have a D&C you might know the instrument is long with a loop-shaped scraping blade at the end and the other piece is a clamp that works in reverse, by prying & holding open your cervix. Well, I will tell you that I gave birth to a nearly 8 pound baby without drugs before and that hurt, but it was nothing compared with having your uterus scraped out over and over again. He would do it for a few minutes, stop to reassess, then scrape again – many times. Finally I was writhing in so much pain and begging him to stop – screaming, really… I just needed a few moments to calm down so he could finish without me moving so much (he told me he could get the job done whether I was moving or not, but when I moved, it was more painful for me, so I wanted a break to get myself together). They gave me something in my IV to calm me down a little – it didn’t reduce the pain at all, but it made me care less about it and he was able to finish shortly. In fact everything was done 40 minutes after Gabriella’s body was born.
A. asked if I wanted to see Gabriella. DH thought I should only see her face, so they tried to keep her covered a little, but the paper fell away and I saw her whole. She was so perfect and so tiny, only 8 inches long. But she had every finger, every toe. Her perfect face – oh, I can’t tell you how it felt to look at that angel’s face. It brings tears to my eyes and tightness to my chest now.
I am sorrowful not for her, but for us. For who she would have been in our lives – another giggling, joyful, beautiful, playful imp who would have played with her sisters and pulled their hair. I am sorry for the plans we made that will never come to pass because there will forever be a hole in our family where she would have been. But, Gabriella, well, I am joyful for her – she is in the lap of the best parent around: I can’t compete with God, Our Father; as hard as I work, our home is not Heaven… I will love her always and eventually I will not miss her every day.
She truly is an Angel and I am certain she already knows how much she was loved and wanted during her time here on earth. It brings me to the most thoughtful Mother’s Day gift I have received. Adam gave me a couple gifts this year, but the best one was a plaque – you know those Willow Tree figurines at Hallmark? They look like hand-carved white wooden figures mostly with painted brown hair and featureless faces – well, the plaque is one of those: “Mother and Daughter” – embracing with doves flying overhead. On the back is the inscription: “Protect and cherish; give wings to fly”. I can’t believe that he got that for me “from” Gabriella. I am astounded and choked up even now. Because I’m unable to hug her physically, but on this plaque:
I stand forever with my arms wrapped around her and hers around my waist.
I am sorry if this was too much detail for you or if it just went on too too long. This has been in my head since the last days of March and needed to get out in its entirety. If I still have you in my clutches, I look forward to sharing some great new stuff with you soon.
Many Blessings,
Holly
 |  |
|
want to keep a diary on iParenting?
Authoring a diary on the iParenting network allows you to chronicle your family's story, preserving it for years to come. It's also a great way to get the most out of the iParenting community. Click here to start...
|
The iParenting Media Awards program helps parents find the best products for their families. 
