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October 6, 2003
Thursday I went in for my regular 12-week OB appointment. After the standard weigh-in and blood pressure check, they tried to find the heartbeat on the Doppler without success. Fortunately, there's an ultrasound machine right in the doctor's office, and they did one then and there. The fetus/embyro appeared to be about 8 weeks old and they didn't see a heartbeat, though on that very machine we'd seen the heartbeat at two previous appointments. Just to be sure, we went upstairs to the super-duper last word in high tech only one in the city ultrasound machine and its corresponding doctor who confirmed my pregnancy had stopped developing at 8 weeks. Perhaps it was the horrible cold the kids had right around that time, maybe it was a chromosomal problem, we'll never know. What I do know, is that I did my best for that pregnancy as I had for my pregnancies with Andrei and Anna. I feel no guilt, no "what if I'd..."
The pregnancy with Anna convinced me that if something is meant to be, it will happen. Anna survived more risk factors "in utero" than I can count on my fingers. Big risks like appendicitis and dysentery and incompetent cervix. Yet she made it. This time, we weren't so lucky. The embryo/fetus didn't make it. As Dima put it: "if it couldn't survive the common cold, it wasn't one of us."
Friday morning I went in for a D & C. A quick internal exam, a blood test, a shot of anaesthetic in the arm (I had no idea they did D & C under general anaesthetic), and 15 minutes later I woke up in a room with 4 other women who were in for abortions. Two hours later I was home. I have to take some powerful antibiotics for the next 10 days to prevent infection (these pills apparently treat everything from SARS to syphillis, I read the entire leaflet that acompanied them, as I always do with regards to medicines), but otherwise, life is as always. Since the day of the procedure, I haven't even had any bleeding, just slight spotting.
The whole experience is nothing like what I'd imagined a miscarriage to be. Perhaps it will hit me with full force later, but I expected the psychological impact would be much greater. You may think me cold and unfeeling, but I am not devastated. The embryo/fetus died a natural death at a very early stage of development. I was saved the horror of a natural miscarriage. I have two young children who are the light of my life and maybe just need a little more time with me, without attention being diverted to a third sibling. Dima and I were very happy to be expecting a third child, and shocked to find out that it would not be born in April, 2004, and disappointed, but we also believe that sometimes things happen for a reason. And we did our best.
We probably will try again, when we get the green light in 3 months. But for now, we are just going to marvel in and enjoy what we do have.
***Dentists, naked trees, and the rest of life***
As I write this, I am looking out the window and watching some poor guy have his teeth drilled. My window at work looks right into the window of a dentist's office. Good thing I have no fear of the dentist, unlike poor Dima who goes into a cold sweat even at the thought of making an appointment to have his teeth checked.
Fall is here in full force, and the dazzling reds and oranges and yellows of autumn that people who live in places without the four clearly demarked seasons love to rhapsodize about are quickly being replaced by naked branches, soon to be covered with snow. Last year was so cold that we didn't even have fall, and the leaves froze right onto the trees. October 1 the heat was finally turned on in the city, the downside of which is that it was turned on at such intensity, that we now have to sleep with all the windows open. It would be great if we could regulate the heat, but no such luxury in these parts. Last year, when it was -30 for a month, we were constantly having power outages, because everyone would come home from work in the evening and turn on their space heaters, which together with teakettles, microwaves, TVs and other appliances, was more than our ancient electrical system could handle. We had to sleep fully clothed and Barsik the cat went into almost total hibernation, only coming out from under the radiator to eat and use the cat box.
Not much news about Andrei and Nyus today, they're both well, if not thrilled about impending winter and the endless layers of clothes it entails. I'm trying desperately to arrange swimming lessons for them, but all the pools take kids only from 7 years of age. Now that I am not pregnant, our travel options have opened up, and I am trying to decide where to take them for Christmas; the options being to visit my mum in Wales, or to a "water resort" in Finland. Because the Finns have the same harsh winter as we, but are economically much more advanced, they have created these indoor tropical paradise resorts, with waterslides, and pools and all things summery ... only inside. And Finland is definitely a family-oriented country.
Well, I am at work, so therefore should do something useful.
Warm regards,
Lisa
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