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December 28, 2004
December 28, 2004
Torn Between Two Lovers and the Wonderful Gift of Brotherhood
38 Weeks (Tomorrow)
Well, this time tomorrow, I will more than likely be clothed in a drab, short sleeved, butt-exposing nightgown awaiting my application of Cervadil (that won’t work) and starving to death from lack of food (since they starve you the minute your foot crosses the threshold of a hospital door). Though I am technically scheduled for induction on the 30th, Dr. S wants me to check in tomorrow night to get things going so things will progress smoothly/easily on the actual day of induction. I have an appt. first thing tomorrow morning and Dr. S told me that if I am already dilated or starting to show any remote signs of heading toward labor, then I can check in on Thursday morning or Wednesday night, it’s my choice. If no progression is detected, then I have no choice and have to check in tomorrow night – drat. I don’t want to go any sooner than I have to. I don’t have enough time! Time to do what, you may ask? God, where do I even start?
It’s not about making sure everything is ready for the baby, like a pristine house, a drawer stock piled with diapers, or a proper car seat installation – because if you know me and my type A personality, you know I got it all done, and then some. No, it’s really more about my mental state. I have spent all day feeling nostalgic, sad and quite wistful. I am torn between “two lovers” so to speak, the love of my life who is nearly 3 years old, and the love of my life that is still yet to be born. I can’t stop feeling like I should have been nicer to Cameron in the past two weeks, that I shouldn’t have gotten frustrated with him when he poured water all over the floor, or when he kept demanding toothpaste and threw the toothbrush in the toilet when I wouldn’t give it to him. I can’t help but feel guilty when I lost my patience with him when he had a tantrum in Target and embarrassed the hell out of me or when I felt like sitting down on the floor and crying simply because he wanted me to pick him up and carry him and I was too tired to be able to do it. I feel like I haven’t been there for him in months and that he misses me and that he feels like I don’t love him as much. And then I feel guilty because I am excited about this new life coming into ours and how I can’t wait to meet him, to hold him, to kiss that new little face and how I just want it to be him and me, the way it once was with Cameron and I, nearly 3 years ago. So my problem is, how do I mentally deal with making sure everyone gets enough love from me and feels as though I am sharing all parts of my heart equally? How do I make this new baby feel that I am actually not thinking about Cameron and how he may be missing me and wondering where I am as I gaze into my new son’s face and think about how wonderful HE is?
I hate that it is such a busy time of year and that it’s cold outside. If it had been summer, or spring, I would have (wanted to) take(n) Cameron outside to play with him and do fun things that he might remember and take pictures so that we would never forget the moment. I feel guilty that I ran errands today getting last minute things done for the new baby and didn’t instead stay holed up inside, playing with Cameron, holding him and telling him how much I loved our time together and how much I love him.
I just went into the kitchen and basically said to Charles what I just wrote in this last paragraph and his response to me was: “Corinne, you are not in a movie. This is real life – live yours like you actually have one. Cameron is not going to remember one bit of this and even if he did, he wouldn’t care. He knows you love him and that’s all that matters.”
Thank God for Charles, he always makes me feel better, usually around the time I am heading for a mental meltdown and the shower curtain rod with the noose attached. Still – I feel guilty. Did I appreciate all the time I had alone with Cameron? Not a lot of mothers even get that much, they have to work or have other children even sooner than I am. Am I too excited about this new baby and not focusing enough on my first son? Or am I putting way too much emphasis on the little person I already know vs. the one I don’t? Will the new baby sense my anxieties and my guilt? Or will I just be a lousy mother to two children - because quite frankly, sometimes I have to question my parenting abilities just for one.
I was never nervous before delivering Cameron and I had a picture perfect delivery with him. So why am I so nervous and apprehensive this time around? What am I possibly fearing? I am really, really scared and I have no idea why. You know what’s really weird? When I was pg with Cameron, I used to think how I couldn’t wait to go into labor in the middle of the night and rush to the hospital the way they do in the movies and all of that. This time – I often find myself waking up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, actually, every hour on the hour, and I am so TIRED all I can think is please God, don’t let me go into labor in the middle of the night because I am too tired to think, too tired to push, too tired to do any of this. All I want all the time is to sleep and I never get to do that. If I could plan it, I would go into labor in the afternoon or early evening and then I would actually be awake enough to know what the hell is going on.
I will finish this last entry with a short note to my new baby, still yet to arrive…
To my dear little son who is to be born within the next two days, one day you will be reading this, I am sure, or perhaps your wife will, and bearing this in mind, I want you to know a few things. And they are, I hope you always know that I love you just as much as your brother, the fact that you are my second child does not in any way diminish your significance in this family or in our eyes. You are every bit as important, as cherished and as loved. Whether you are first, fourth or (God forbid) fourteenth in the family line, our love for you will always be as much as for anyone else, never, ever doubt that.
We are all so excited to finally meet you (well, OK, perhaps not Cameron but that’s only because he is clueless and more concerned with vacuuming the house than your impending arrival) and so thrilled that you are giving Cameron a gift that only you could give – the wonderful gift of brotherhood. Even though it’s your choice, I truly hope you grow up to be each other’s best friend, each other’s protector and defender. I wish you both many, many happy times together with each other. Being an only child, I missed out on all of that and I take great pride and satisfaction in knowing that you and Cameron will experience the joy of a relationship, the joy of the love of a sibling, which is something I always wished for, but never had.
Without even knowing you yet, we feel so blessed to have you and we love you already. Thank you honey, for making our family complete.
Love,
Mommy
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