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November 29, 2004
The Home Stretch & What's in a Name - Finneas and Hazel???
November 29, 2004
33 and ½ Weeks.
It is now 4:50 a.m. and I am awake writing this entry solely due to a most annoying problem – the most excruciating circulatory pain I have ever felt in my life. A few nights ago, right around Thanksgiving, this weird thing started happening to my body when I sleep. My right hand, then wrist, then arm will start to go numb, sort of like when you lay on a body part for too long and the blood stops flowing. But normally in this situation, the minute you release the pressure from that body part, the blood starts to flow back and feeling returns within seconds, giving off that tingly feeling. Well, not in this case. When my fingers, hand and arm start to go numb, it almost feels like a vice is squeezing the entire arm so hard that I can’t breathe. My hand feels cold to the touch and becomes so stiff I can’t even bend my fingers. No amount of arm waving or hand slapping makes it go away. I try to move my arm and hand in all sorts of positions, making me feel like some sort of human TV antenna, trying to get better reception, or in this case, circulation. I don’t know what the hell this is, but I am really afraid I have no choice but to call the dr. this morning and see what this is all about before I have some sort of pg-related heart attack. Just writing this one paragraph, I have had to stop and start about 5 times because my hand goes numb and then returns to normal, back and forth, back and forth, and only my right hand/arm. I would have to say that it is one of the worst things I have had to experience in a pg so far, the creepiest, most uncomfortable sensation yet. I truly hate this. I hate the thought of calling my dr. on this because in the back of mind, my biggest fear is that they will tell me something is terribly wrong and that I will have to have the baby right away and clearly, we are so not ready for the baby to come at the present time.
So, backtracking to my bi-monthly OBGYN appt last week, (November 23rd, ’04) - everything was normal. My blood pressure was fine, my weight, though astounding in my eyes, is still fine. Dr. S said this is going to be one big baby, if you go by the measurement of my stomach. Despite this fact, he also added that he has a sneaking suspicion that I am just one of these people who measures large but has a small baby nonetheless. I really hope he is right, I loved having a small baby, for obvious reasons. It’s much easier to push out a 6 lber vs. a 9 lber, plain and simple. Anyway, just to be sure, at 37 weeks, (if I make it that far), I am scheduled to have an u/s to check the size of the baby and if he is large enough at that point, they will induce that next day. Of course, this scares me because my scheduled induction is at 38 weeks, so I am not too keen on losing yet one more week to prepare for the impending delivery. But I will obviously do what I have to do.
For this particular appt., I had been scheduled to have a “fasting blood draw” to check my sugar levels, even though my regular glucose test came back normal. I meant to ask Dr. S why he wanted this done and to be honest, completely forgot so I have no answer for you there. Anyway, I had had nothing to eat since dinner the previous night and by the time I was seen, it was about 10:30-11:00 and I was quite faint with hunger, feeling very weak, getting the sweats and starting to shake. Finally when the dr. came in to examine me, he asked me how I was doing and when I told him that I was about to die from hunger, he looked me up and down and simply said, “Corinne, I really find that hard to believe.” If I didn’t love this man so much, I would have punched him right then and there, but it’s just his way and he means nothing by it, so I just told him that he should talk, at least I have my pg as my excuse, and we both laughed. Still – nice, huh? My own dr. basically said he could hear me moo from across the hallway and I find this funny. That’s OK though because I WILL take it off, I’ll show dr. S if it kills me. Funny how there’s nothing like someone making fun of your weight to restore your willpower, it always does the trick for me.
Finally my blood was drawn and after that I was given some juice and crackers to tide me over until I could get home. My next appt is going to be a week from now so we will see then what progress I am making. I had an internal exam this appt. and the dr. confirmed my cervix is still closed and all that good stuff, so I feel good at least about that.
Thanksgiving Day was so uneventful, it’s hardly worth mentioning. It was just Charles, Cam and I, my parents, and two people from Charles’ job who have no family in the area, so we invited them to our house instead. Initially, as I may have mentioned in a previous entry, I was pissed at Charles for even thinking of hosting a Thanksgiving Day dinner, particularly since we did it when I was pg with Cam and I swore that never again would I do such a stupid thing. This time I am even further along in my pg and super tired, so I told Charles he would really have to stick to his word to do it all, and sure enough he did. My mother helped out a ton of course, but Charles did the turkey which was delicious and most of the other stuff too. He cleaned the house and got everything just perfect. He also cleaned up afterward and for the most part, none of it was a hassle. Still, I am glad the day is over – just one less thing to have to think about.
Cameron’s room is in theory, done, but we are still waiting on the rest of his furniture to come, consisting of a second twin bed, a dresser/armoire and a nightstand. We ordered bedding for him from this place called Land of Nod, a children’s store owned by Crate and Barrel, so we were at least able to get a discount on it. (If you go to http://www.landofnod.com/landofnod/product.asp?catalog%5Fname=land+of+nod+version+1&area%5Fname=kids&beddingset%5Fname=Bedding%5FSet%5FMap%5FBedding&site%5Fmode=mode%5Fmain&category%5Fname=Boys%5FBedding&subcategory%5Fname=Boys%5FBedding%5FSets or, just go to www.landofnod.com and look for “map bedding” in the boys’ section, you will see it, I really like it – not too little boyish but still masculine nonetheless). We are also waiting on a lampshade from Pottery Barn Kids, a store I’d like to just rip a new one since they NEVER have anything in stock – ever. But, Cameron’s new blinds and curtains, (rods and finials are up), his sheets are on his one bed (with no comforter/duvet or accompanying decorative pillows as they should arrive any day), his guard rail (ugly as it is) is installed, his carpet has been steam cleaned and his clothes transferred to his closet. All that needs to be done is to move the furniture in and hang a few pictures and arrange a few toys and knick knacks and we will be all set. Supposedly the rest of the furniture will be here Tuesday so hopefully by Tuesday night, Cameron should be in his room for good.
Once he is out of his room, Charles will paint the baby’s room, which should be this Thursday if all goes as it should. We are painting it yellow with big white polka dots to match his bedding, which I might add is another story in and of itself. Like a dummy, I waited until the 11th hour to get new bedding for the baby’s crib thinking that I could find it in a store I liked and buy it off the shelf. Clearly I was must have been on drugs because almost nowhere it seems can you just “buy” bedding without ordering it first. I was lucky I guess when I had Cam because I got his bedding on sale and it was there right on the shelf when I found it. Not this time. Anyway, I ended up ordering it from this lousy store called Great Beginnings, (GB) and I say lousy not because they don’t have nice stuff but because they are overpriced for one thing and never have anything in stock, for another. They told me when I ordered the bedding two weeks ago that it would take 5-6 weeks to arrive. Now I know the baby will be in a bassinet for the first couple of months or so, so it is not crucial we have this bedding on the day of delivery, but being a Type A personality such as myself, I simply must have everything done, no I NEED to have everything perfect before I deliver this child, so the thought of the bedding taking this long to arrive, so close to the date of delivery, was not pleasing. So, as I am coming home from my dr’s appt, I called my mom on my cell to see how Cameron was doing. She then told me that GB had called to say that the bedding I ordered was out of stock but (good news! (ha!) was that they were willing to sell me the floor sample at a discount. Uh, no thanks. If I have my choice, I really prefer not to put a my child in a bedding set that has touched and poked and soiled by oh, I don’t know - THOUSANDS of hands over the past year – seeing as the bedding is discontinued, it might have been on there for the past FIVE years for all we know. As some have told me, I could just wash it but we all know once you wash baby bedding, it is never quite the same and though I am sure I will be washing this baby’s bedding in the near future, I would like for it to at least seem new when he gets it. So after hearing this, I pulled the car over in the BRU parking lot (since I happened to be passing right by) and decided to go see if there was anything in there I liked – doubtful seeing as how most of their boy bedding is very “boyish” and we all know by now how much I don’t like the sports/trucks/trains themes. As predicted, I found nothing and left the store quite frustrated – why is it that whenever I seem to get one thing done on my to-do list, the minute I cross it off, 3 others pop up? Anyway, I know some people will roll their eyes at this, but after I got back in my car, I just sat in there for a few minutes and started crying over this stupid bedding – can you even believe how ridiculous that is? I couldn’t help it – I just felt so overwhelmed and so tired and so lost as to what to do, not just about the bedding but about all the rest of the stuff I needed to get done, now adding the bedding to it. So, finally I collected myself and went home, calling Charles on the way to snivel a bit and even though he has better things to do than console me about such nonsense, he made me feel a lot better and told me to look really hard in the Land of Nod catalogue because surely there was something in there we could use and it would be just fine. He was absolutely right. I went home and found something I liked and again from Land of Nod (www.landofnod.com it’s the Womb With a View baby bedding) or click on: http://www.landofnod.com/landofnod/product.asp?catalog%5Fname=Land+of+Nod+Version+1&area%5Fname=Baby&beddingset%5Fname=0101224%5FWomb%5FWith%5FA%5FView&site%5Fmode=mode%5Fmain&category%5Fname=Baby%5FBedding&subcategory%5Fname=Baby%5FCrib%5FBedding
I ordered this set and it should be here in a day or so. Potential nervous breakdown averted, once again.
I know to most people reading this they will say, Oh Corinne, wake up, get a life, get a clue, grow up, etc., etc. and they would be right. But it is so hard for me not to be this way, it is almost a disease, I tell you. I simply must have all my ducks in a row to function. Being on bedrest really threw us off schedule, if I hadn’t had that happen, I would have all this done by now. The other thing people don’t tell you when you have a second child is that despite what many people will lead you to believe, getting ready for a second child is STILL a lot of work. Even though you have most everything, there are still a ton of things that you have to do/rebuy. I mean, take Cameron’s diaper/burp cloths for example. Even though I washed them and saved them, they are still pretty cruddy looking, some are stained and pilly, and why I saved them, I will never know. Sentimental reasons, I guess. A $5.00 pack of diaper cloths can be replaced quite easily but I just couldn’t part with them, I suppose. I had to buy new onesies, because Cam’s were all icky as well, a new bathtub since my old one leaked, and I hated it anyway, new bottles since Cameron used his for so long and they were really scratched and dirty looking – let’s see, what else? Well of course, there is the whole seasonal thing. With Cam, because he was due 4/1, we didn’t buy any kind of snowsuit, nor a car seat/infant seat bunting because it was basically spring and it gets hot here very early, but now with this baby possibly coming any time in December, we needed all that sort of stuff – warmer blankets, warmer sleepers, the whole nine yards. Actually, I think part of the reason I am so harried over this whole thing is because I absolutely do not want to go through what I went through with Cameron last time, and that was, days after he was born, only a night home from the hospital, Charles and I were out running around for the stuff we didn’t have and I don’t want that to happen again. I want to simply come home with this child and enjoy him and bond with him, and I don’t want to be running around in the cold on a wild goose chase for this or that. I really don’t. Anyway, my whole long point is, I just feel so overwhelmed and am kicking myself for not doing some of this stuff earlier. I know in some ways I didn’t have a choice but I still beat myself up about it. Add to the mix all the things I need to do to get ready for the holidays, and it becomes almost suffocating to me.
The way I have been dealing with my anxiety over having so much left to do is that I try to instead focus on what I HAVE accomplished; that always makes me feel (slightly) better. So far, we have:
1) nearly completed Cameron’s room
2) we have bought nearly all the little basic items for the baby
3) we have ordered our cord-blood storage kit from Cryo-cell
4) we have an appt. on Friday to have the infant seat (and spare base) installed in both cars
5) we have gone through all of Cam’s old stuff and kept what we will use, saved what we won’t and discarded what we shouldn’t have saved in the first place
6) we have washed all of the baby’s things
7) we have cleaned out the kitchen cupboards, i.e, emptied them, washed them out, restocked them and threw out any stuff that was expired, old or that shouldn’t have been there in the first place. (You’d be amazed at how short the expiration date is for something like Arrowroot cookies). We also threw out any of Cam’s old stuff – bottles, pacifiers, etc. that we won’t use and made it look all nice and neat, instead of being just thrown in there the way it was before.
8) bought the new bassinet bedding
9) did all our online Christmas shopping (what a feeling to simply order online, hit “process my order” and not have to be bothered with going to the post office)
10)ordered our Christmas cards
Here’s what we still need to get done (cringe)
1) paint the baby’s room, install bedding, unpack clothing, etc.
2) steam clean the baby’s room’s carpet
3) have a professional carpet cleaner come to clean only the stairs (there is no way we are going to try to take that heavy steam cleaner ourselves and do the stairway)
4) call the cleaning people and have them come next week and then again, right before the baby is due
5) take picture of Cam for Christmas cards, address Christmas cards, etc.
6) finish Christmas shopping for those who could not be bought something online
7) clean our bedroom closets out
8) wrap Christmas gifts
9) take Cam to see Santa
10)get Christmas tree, decorate house, etc.
11)detail cars – I know, you are thinking, what the hell is she talking about? First of all, Charles can detail a car like no professional can, he’s amazing. Second, I have this thing about bringing home a baby in a dirty car. I know, stupid, but I am weird, what can I say? It’s just the thought of pulling up in some nasty vehicle (not that mine ever really is), with debris on the floor or coffee rings in the cup holders makes me ill.
I was telling my GF who has two sons, one Cam’s age and a one year old, about my to-do list and she laughed so hard she nearly fell off her chair. I had asked her how did she get everything done before her second son came, how did she get the house picture perfect and obtain every single little thing she needed for the baby? She responded by saying that with your second child, you simply aren’t able to do everything that you did for your first – she said the house is never going to be as germ-free, as neat or as pulled together as it was when you brought your first baby home. I believe her exact words were that with your first child, you have everything ready to go, your birth plan, your BFing expectations, your pristine house, your list of phone numbers on who to contact as soon as you go into labor, etc. With your second you barely even pack your bag and someone has to remind you when your water breaks on the kitchen floor that it’s time to get to the hospital. She said it’s just the way life is and I had better get used to it, because it’s only going to get worse. She couldn’t even believe we had washed out all the kitchen cabinets and drawers. She said, Corinne, your cabinets were probably pristine before you even started! What were you thinking? I was thinking that in order to be the “perfect” mother-to-be, I simply must “nest” and have my house be the picture perfect environment that my baby, were he completely conscious, would want to be welcomed into. As if he cares. I know, I am stupid.
I guess my fear is that I will become this mother I don’t want to be. What I mean by that is, I once saw this episode of Malcolm in the Middle. This is not a show I ever watch, but one time, I must have been bored out of my mind, because I watched the entire episode, and I have to say, it’s not half bad. If you have ever watched the show, you will know that the premise of the story is about a couple with 5 or 6 boys, ranging in age from about 17-5. (I could be totally off here, but that’s what I remember). Anyway, the episode was a flashback type where the mother (Jane Kaczmarek) reflects back on what her life was like when she was pg with her first child. They flashback to her sitting in this nice house, beautifully decorated, everything is neat, orderly and pristine, she herself looks well put together and very stylish. Then she reflects back to each subsequent pg and with each one, her house looks worse and worse, she looks frumpier and more haggard until finally we return to present day where the house is basically trashed and the kids are running around wrecking the place. Well sometimes, that is how I feel, like this is the direction I am heading. I look at my house now and see how it looks and its cleanliness level vs. before we had Cam. I never would have had to straighten out a kitchen cupboard before, it would have stayed that way. My car was always spotless – always – there was hardly ever a time you could find me riding in an even semi-dirty car. I always looked well put together - nothing spectacular, mind you but clean, at the very least. When I was pg with Cam, I felt I looked stylish enough, even my hair which was on its way to looking like shit, still looked semi-decent. Well this time around, things are different, and I believe I am having a difficult time adjusting – my house is often messy. It’s neat by the time we go to bed but it is mostly in disarray during the day. My clothes often have stains on them. I hardly ever wear anything that needs dry cleaning, for obvious reasons. Most times I am in cords and jeans, I hardly ever wear a stylish pant because 1) I am getting too fat and 2) what’s the point? It’s only going to get stained. My hair looks like crap. It is so lifeless, so straight, so God awful, I really hate it. So, my whole long point here is that I am struggling not to give up on myself, who I really am, even though I am the mother of soon to be two young children. I want to still be (relatively) stylish, I still want a clean house, a clean car, an orderly existence. By making sure I have everything as near perfect as it can be when this baby arrives, I feel I am achieving my goal of staying as close to my old self as I can be.
Switching abruptly to another subject I touched upon earlier– the intense sense of guilt I have over throwing things away that once belonged to Cam. Last night we were throwing out hordes of stuff since the trash collectors come today, and we actually threw out some of Cam’s baby paraphernalia because even though we thought we’d reuse it at the time, upon reinspection, we often realized that so many of the things we thought we’d reuse were really just not worth the trouble. Cameron has an infant seat he loved but that he broke by the time we stored it away. We thought we could fix it but we can’t and now we have no choice but to throw it out. I feel wasteful doing this because even though I know it can’t be fixed, I still feel like some struggling person might like it. But then again, I also feel like maybe I am assuming too much – who am I to think that just because someone is struggling, they would want my kid’s broken toy? Still, looking at some of Cameron’s old things sitting out there on the front lawn, it makes me sad. I try to console myself by saying that last week, we donated literally dozens of bags of Cameron’s old clothes as well as bags of old toys and baby items, so it’s not like we haven’t donated anything at all, but I guess you can’t donate everything you ever have, nor can you keep it all. I mean, an infant seat is not like an heirloom silver spoon or even your child’s first and favorite pacifier, something you might save and put away to look at later. It’s just a toy, more or less, that will have to be given away at some point, so better to get rid of it now rather than clog up our house with unnecessary items. Am I weird? Am I normal? Or am I just hormonal (God, how I hate that word). Why do I even care about this stupid stuff? None of it really matters, let’s face it. But somehow, it all makes me sad.
Cameron is doing well these days. I actually think he might come around to the idea of a new baby. There are times when I worry about him and the new baby, and then he will do something to surprise me that makes me believe otherwise. He will pretend to rock the baby and say “Awwwwww” when he pretends he’s holding a baby, it’s pretty cute. He is talking up a storm these days and repeats nearly everything you ask him to. Also, he can now identify all his letters, not just by saying the alphabet itself but by pointing out letters he sees in words, whether it’s letters on a toy, a book, a sign etc. I know this is small stuff for most kids his age, but for Cameron and his speech delay, this is major. It’s not the comprehension or the ability to do these things that is stunning, it’s that he actually WILL. Because of his hearing, he has never been one to just say things voluntarily and now it seems, he finally gets it. The other day we were even shocked because we asked him to write the letter A, B and C and he did – again, I know this isn’t rocket science but to us it is great. A lot of the little girls in Cam’s preschool class can write a bit but none of the boys can (all the kids are about 6 months older than Cam is). Numbers seem to be a little less intriguing to him (takes after his parents as we both sucked in math) and he really just appears to love letters. I couldn’t be happier, let me tell you. It’s so nice to see him pull out a book and point out letters now, he never used to do that. His love of books itself is just so reassuring. Charles and I both love to read and I had always hoped my kids would love it as much as we do.
Before I close, I just had to talk a bit about Julia Roberts and her latest news, the birth of her twins, a boy and girl. OK, I really like Julia Roberts and all that, and I was happy to be sharing my pg with her, (you know how that is, when you are pg, you kind of get in sync with the celebrities who are due at the same time you are) and was happy that she was finally pg after trying unsuccessfully, but was disappointed once again to learn that yet another movie star feels it is perfectly fine to give her child(ren) these ridiculous names. Finneas (sp?) Walter and Hazel Patricia – oh man. Well actually, Finneas is not that bad, I mean, I love the name Finn but Hazel? My next door neighbor who is 92 years old and wears a parka outside to get her mail on a hot July day is named Hazel. My question to you is, what is it that makes celebrities think that these weird names will seem less weird because they are given to children whose parents are famous? I hate to break the news to them, but the names are still weird, I don’t care who the parents are. I will at least give Julia credit in that she chose names that actually ARE given names and not words that will be found in the produce aisle or the tea and coffee aisle of your local supermarket. Now I am not suggesting she choose some trendy, uber suburban, name of the year type of name like Taylor, Madison, Kylie or Hunter – but come on. Hazel? Finneas? Who are we kidding here? Supposedly the middle names were chosen for family members who had died, so that is always nice but those first names – hmmmmm. Of course, Julia might laugh at my name choices as well and say they are mundane, commonplace and predictable. I don’t know though, I would hate to have my mom be this famous person and I have to go around in life with the name Hazel Moder. Oh well, what do I know? She will probably turn out to be a beautiful woman with a successful career and then name Hazel will be the trendiest name of the century. I guess I have some nerve commenting on her kids’ names when I was the one who once said that I would love to name my daughter Prudence. I think it is safe to say that most people would think Hazel is ten times better than Prudence – clearly, I disagree. However, I often think that God thought, “no way am I sending a girl to this crazy woman, she’ll torment her by giving her that horrible name Prudence that 9/10s of the American population hates.” Who knows – it could happen.
One last thing – I never mentioned my feelings on the election and I didn’t because I don’t want to offend anyone, but I feel I have to speak ever so briefly regarding the subject for the sake of posterity and so that my baby knows how I felt at this time regarding the current state of politics in this country. Suffice to say, I seriously considered getting a prescription for Prozac the morning after the election. I have never been depressed about the results of an election before, not until now. I seriously fear for my childrens’ futures and I have to say, living in a very Republican state such as VA is clearly not for us. It was really weird/hard being here the day after the election and having to deal with the seeming smugness of people throughout the day. I just don’t know, I really don’t. OK, well I spoke more about this than I probably should have but I felt I needed to write this little bit down.
Until next time, Corinne and the boys
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