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September 8, 2004
Preschool Woes, Pg I Can't Focus On & No Spidey Bags Please!
September 8, 2004 – (Basically 22 Weeks)
I am such a chicken, it is pathetic. I called my OB’s office and pushed my appointment back another couple of weeks because I am trying to avoid them yelling at me for not losing weight. At least this way, I will have two more weeks to try and lose, plus a whole month will have elapsed since my last appointment so they would have to expect me to at least gain some weight in a month, right? What also sucks is that I am supposed to wear the exact same clothes I wore last appointment and that happened to be a sleeveless, light summer dress. Two weeks from now it might not be that warm and might even look weird for me to be wearing such a dress leaving me with heavier fall clothes as my only choice – I am screwed no matter how you look at it. I suppose I can just bring my dress along and change into it for the weigh-in.
This sucks…
It’s amazing to me how your perspective completely changes with the second child. I am not as worried about making sure I have everything just perfect for the arrival of this baby. I mean, sure I want to make sure he has everything he needs, etc., but if I don’t have exactly 14 freshly pressed onesies ready to go or a fresh jar of Desitin or 3 jugs of Dreft on hand, I am not going to lose it, the way I would have the first time. You come to realize that having all brand new bottles or a stroller where the wheels aren’t all scuffed, isn’t that big a deal. It’s kind of liberating, actually. Besides, I don’t even have time to worry about this sort of stuff right now. We are currently in the throes of getting Cam ready for preschool which starts tomorrow. We went to Orientation yesterday and I must say, I am mighty scared. Here’s the situation: because of Cam’s hearing loss, he gets to attend one of the best preschools in the county and in addition to his regular preschool teacher, he gets his own Hard of Hearing teacher who works with him exclusively and helps him with everything he needs while he is in school, in addition to giving him an hour of speech therapy before class. So his schedule is going to be Tuesdays and Thursdays, from 12-30 – 3:30, with that first hour to be used exclusively for one on one speech therapy before the class actually starts. The actual teacher herself wears a microphone which is programmed to direct sound straight into Cam’s hearing aids so she doesn’t need to be right next to him in order for him to hear her clearly. Also, as the acoustics in these classrooms are not often the best, the FM system and Cam’s hearing aids are designed with special features to drown out all white noise or echoes or other kids talking so he can hear all speech perfectly.
When I took Cameron in May to visit the school, he loved it. He played with all the kids and had a great time. When we went to Orientation, he was still having a great time, but always made sure I was right there and not moving one inch. It seems as though ever since I got pg, Cameron can sense that something is going on and as a result has gotten so clingy. He is not suffering from stranger anxiety, but rather from separation anxiety. He won’t even stay alone with my mother or my MIL (both of whom he adores) without screaming and crying. It’s gotten so bad that even if I go upstairs to fold laundry, he clings to Charles and cries for me to come back. I can’t believe this is my same, secure little boy who would once go to anybody and happily wave bye-bye to me. Not anymore. Well, the preschool teacher (Miss Carolyn) told us all that a child normally stops crying after five minutes in the classroom, but that if they don’t and this behavior continues for more than a week, the kid is history. Ok, so those weren’t her exact words but that is what she meant. She also said that any child who is not fully potty-trained will be out on their wet little butt in no time. Simply great. Even though Cameron has once peed into the toilet from a standing position, he is in no way fully potty trained, not even close. I could see some of the other parents cringe when Miss C. was saying this because come on, how many 2 and ½ -3 year olds are fully potty trained? The thing is, Miss C. says if your child has 3 accidents, even if fully potty trained, they get the boot. Real nice. What kid doesn’t have an accident now and then? All I can say is we are DEAD. But here’s what really kills me. In order for Cam to qualify for this preschool, he has to have the hearing loss he does. With a hearing loss such as he has, he is not going to have the communication of a perfectly hearing 2 and ½ year old. Communication and understanding are the key to potty training, it is not something kids one day decide to do because they realize they are too big for diapers. They have to be taught and they learn through communication. Cameron doesn’t have that yet so naturally, he can’t be fully potty trained as another child might. And as far as I can see, he is more potty trained anyway than a lot of 4 year old boys so I think we are doing pretty good. Clearly this is not good enough for Miss C. It’s just the Catch 22 situation that bugs me so much – it’s like they are saying you have to be “deaf enough” to qualify for the school (and when I say qualify, I mean, since it is a normal preschool for hearing children, we have to have this special need in order to be accepted without having to be on a waiting list or fill out an application), but not “too deaf” so that you still can’t perform all your basic needs. Well, it just doesn’t work that way in Cam’s world. I suppose some may argue that if we had just taught him ASL (American Sign Language) he would be able to communicate but under the advisement of many experts, we decided not to only because Cam does have so much hearing, and lots of times, with children who do have a lot of hearing, they will resort to ASL before speech. Given that choice, ASL usually is what children prefer because it’s easier for them to communicate that way and speech therefore takes a back seat. Well, we don’t want that for Cameron. If he can speak normally, and communicate verbally as any other person would, (and everyone says he will) that is exactly what he is going to do and that’s just the way it’s going to be. Of course, that doesn’t help us now.
I spoke to Cameron’s HOH teacher about all this and she agreed with me that the policy is ridiculous and that not to worry, she will take care of Cameron should he need it. But I feel bad – I don’t want this poor woman, who strived to get her Masters in speech pathology and who has all kinds of experience with the hearing impaired to have to change my kid’s shitty diapers – she didn’t sign up for that. So, I am not exactly sure how this is going to all pan out. I don’t even want to know.
The scariest part of it all is most of these children (mainly the girls) were all speaking in perfectly complete and intelligible sentences. Cameron is not anywhere close to that at all. He says words here and there but no sentences. His speech therapist and ENT all reassure us that he will very soon but that I shouldn’t compare him to anyone else because it will drive me crazy, and they are right, I am definitely crazy over it by now. This one little girl in the class was reciting all her vowels AND writing them down as she did it. She was a little over 3, but still… I am really worried.
I just picture this first day as one of pure torture for Cam where he cries incessantly for me, wondering if I have abandoned him, where he wets his pants and has someone yell at him for it, and where he stands there not understanding a word the teacher says (did I mention she is so quiet, even I had trouble hearing her)? To say I am doubtful this all will work would be an understatement. Maybe we are making a mistake putting him in preschool so young. Maybe he would be better off at home with me for awhile. Maybe we should wait another year. Sigh – I don’t know. All the “experts” say we have got to send him but what do they know? All they know are studies, statistics and figures, but they don’t know Cam. Then again, maybe I don’t know him either, not in this way, not with respect to this matter. I hate this. I am just sick over it.
And that’s what I mean when I say I just don’t have time to focus on the pg like I did last time, and I hate that. I simply have not one moment in my day it seems, where I can just lie down and daydream about the baby the way I want to, I can’t think about the way it’s going to be, I can’t rest and close my eyes for a minute because when I do, I worry about Cameron. I know this is what every mother goes through with more than one child, even if their child hears perfectly, so I am not abnormal, but I still feel guilty as hell about it.
Something strange I noticed last week – (did I mention this already? If I did, skip it and blame it on pg brain) – I have no linea negra this time. With Cam I think I had one for most of my pg and this time, nothing at all. I am not disappointed, truth be told. I mean, the LN goes away and all but it is nice having a perfectly smooth stomach with no lines or anything on it. My stomach is the only body part of me that I love right now. The rest is just awful, but the stomach is nice.
What’s on tap for today – let’s see…I have to take Charles’ car back to the fire department so they can reinstall a car seat we had installed two months ago. We decided that the Roundabout I had in my car would fit better in Charles’ car and the Marathon we bought for Charles’ car would fit better in my Explorer since it is so much bigger. I am sure the fire department is going to put a hit out on me as they are sick of seeing my face by now but for the life of me, we simply couldn’t switch the car seats and get them in nice and tight the way the firefighters did. Right now, the car seat in Charles’ car is so loose it is all over the place whenever I take a turn, so there is no way I am putting Cameron in it until the seat is installed correctly.
What else…I am on the lookout for a backpack for Cameron to take to school. Of course, stupid me, I wait until school actually STARTS to look for a backpack and naturally, there is nothing left to choose from except some truly awful knapsacks with Spiderman or Spongebob figures emblazoned on them (and you KNOW I can’t get something like that) or knapsacks that are just too babyish and small, even for a two year old. Last night we went to the L.L. Bean store at the mall (simply fabulous, huge, usually with a great selection), and even they were all sold out. Charles suggested we just order something on line from L.L. Bean since they have such a great selection but I don’t know, maybe it’s just me, but I think spending $30 (between cost, tax, shipping and handling…and monogramming, of course) on a backpack for a two year old, is just the most ridiculous effing thing I have heard of. Even I am not that bad. But as Charles said, it is either that, or the Spidey bag. (And yes, there are some plain backpacks out there, but they are all too big, perfect size for age 7 and up, not a two year old. The bag at L.L. Bean is what they call a junior backpack and the perfect size, big enough to hold all Cam’s “artwork” and his whatnot, but not so big that he can’t handle it. Most standard backpacks are definitely too big). So, last night I broke down and ordered the damn L.L. Bean bag, lemming that I am, figuring I can still look for something cheaper and return the expensive bag should I luck out find something else. I have to admit, the L.L. Ban bag is really cute, it’s got sort of this frog pattern all over it and is yellow, blue, green and black. Because, this is very important, you do realize. Cameron’s whole future and whether he is admitted to Harvard, clearly depends on this ridiculous backpack.
I need a life.
Corinne and her two boys
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