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September 2, 2004
Pregnancy Diary – Baby # 2
Here We Go Again
This is my diary for my second child. I am doing this diary differently from Cameron’s. With Cam’s, I wrote in it dutifully almost every week and noted each and every remote detail I could come up with. This time, I am going to note the remarkable and/or significant aspects of the first half of the pregnancy, not necessarily including every week. After 20 weeks I will continue on as regularly as possible, hopefully each and every week. I would have loved to be as detailed this time around but for many reasons was unable to do so. First of all, taking care of one child while creating life for another is not the easiest task – even for me (haha). I simply did not have time during the day to sit by the computer and write for hours on end like I used to last time. And by when night time rolls around, I am so exhausted from all I have been doing during the day that I can barely keep my eyes open. But the main reason that I did not write as frequently as I did last time is because of this horrific fear I had that something was going to go wrong. I felt nearly superstitious writing about this pregnancy, almost as if putting down my feelings on paper would somehow jinx the entire thing. Well, now that 1) I am halfway through this pregnancy, 2) in receipt of my normal amnio results and 3) Cameron is in preschool, I have the opportunity to really put the effort into this diary that I had been meaning to all along. I cannot tell you how guilty I have been feeling during this pg, feeling that I am never doing enough or as much as I did the first time. Ahhh, the guilt! It is simply terrible. I will make up for it though, I promise. I am still in disbelief that I am already halfway through my pregnancy.
You may think it odd that I am even pg again when I so vociferously stated that I would never, ever have another child. Well – I lied. What can I say. I knew we’d have another child, or at least try. But the one thing I promised myself this time was that I would never put myself in the awkward position of telling people my personal business when TTC ever again. To this day I believe that it is what stifled our fertility and made it so difficult and made it take so long to conceive Cameron. I guess when people would ask me questions like, “Aren’t you going to try again soon?” or “Are you planning to have any more kids?” I just felt it was my own personal business and nobody else’s. I felt if I answered that question it would lead to others, ones I was not ready to handle. I didn’t want a slew of people checking up on me every month to see if I had gotten my period or if God forbid, I had to go through infertility treatments, have people asking me all the details about that. No – this time we opted for complete privacy, silence and well sneakiness. And look how well it turned out. I got pg on the very first time trying, no fuss, no muss. It was great. I wouldn’t trade that lack of drama and misery for the world.
Backtracking to the Beginning…
May 7, 2004
Hmmm, Ok – this is odd – I haven’t gotten my period yet. How can this be – I am NEVER late, my periods are so regular you could set the national time clock by it. Could I possibly be PREGNANT? How stupid to even think such a thing, I mean, it took me over a year to get pg with Cameron. Technically my period is only an hour late, dare I even test – please. What am I thinking? Why waste money to get the answer I already have. It has been three months that I have been off the pill and AF is probably just trying to regulate herself, is my guess. Let me wait a few days, I bet AF will show.
May 8, 2004
Ok, I am experiencing bad AF-like cramps, so now I KNOW I am getting AF. When I was pg with Cameron, I never had cramps when I was expecting my period, it was like there were no AF symptoms at all. This time, I have cramps, bloating, the works, so I guess AF is just running a little late. We are supposed to go a strip club tonight with another couple. I know, sounds weird, right? Actually, our friends, P & R, were stunned to learn I had never been to a strip club – I must been absent that day in school when they taught you that going to a strip club at least once in your life is a rite of passage of some sort. Anyway, I know that by going to such a place that I will inevitably have a couple of drinks and be surrounded by second-hand smoke. I am positive I am not pg, otherwise I wouldn’t think of going…
May 9, 2004 - Mother’s Day – 4 weeks, 1 day
The strip club was quite an experience. We went to a pretty nice one, as far as I could tell, there were a lot of couples, and a lot of single women, which I don’t really understand. The women were not at all like I thought they would be, they were actually very beautiful and very nice. I treated my experience as if I were a journalist interviewing for a documentary. I asked the girls lots of questions, like how did they end up stripping, how much money do they make on average per week – things of that nature. I was stunned by the amount of money these girls were receiving. I saw one guy stick ten $100 dollar bills in one girl’s thong (before she flung it off). The whole time though, my mind was elsewhere. Something was just not right. (Me being there, for one thing). Actually, the whole experience was a lot of fun, except for the fact that I kept running to the bathroom to see if AF was coming. This was just pissing me off – I mean, what the hell is going on here? I drank half a glass of wine and never finished the rest. We ended up leaving at one in the morning.
After getting to bed around 2 am, I got up at 6 and couldn’t take it anymore. I ran into the bathroom in search of a leftover pg test I had from Cameron. I was sure the expiration date was still good. I nearly tore that bathroom apart looking for it, to no avail. I ran straight to the supermarket and on the way in to the store, I said to God, please God, if I should be buying this test, please give me a sign before I waste my money. At that very moment, a pg woman walked out the door.
I bought my test, ran home peed on the stick and the rest is history. I can honestly say that ever since Cameron, I never thought finding out I was a pg a second time could be as exciting as the first. So goes the expression, “It’s never as good as the first time.” I was wrong. It was just as good as the first time and I hesitate to say it but in some ways, better, because I wasn’t expecting it. I never thought I could get pg so easily and I can’t tell you what it did for my psyche to know that I could get pg on my first try. It goes without saying that no matter how you get pg, whether it takes one night or 5 years, as long as you do, that is all that matters. However, it was so incredibly satisfying to for once in my life fall into that so desired Fertile Myrtle category. And who’d have thought it? At an age even closer to 40, (I will be 35 on June 27), I had an easier time getting pg than when I was 30. Only me, right?
Ok – so getting back to the pg – when I saw that line appear, I just cried. I thanked God and ran downstairs, planning on waiting to tell Charles until later when we were alone since my parents were visiting for the weekend. I lasted about ½ hour. What I did was I told Charles that the toilet wasn’t working and that he needed to go up and fix it. Charles begrudgingly went upstairs, grumbling and cursing under his breath only to find, instead of an overflowing toilet, a positive pg test on the bathroom counter. All I could hear was the sound of a 225 lb man running through the upstairs hallway and literally jumping down the entire flight of stairs. We were both so ecstatic and just hugged and jumped around in a circle, holding each other. The knowledge and the pure joy that we were to be a family of four was something so special for us, I can barely explain it.
Later that day I told my mother the news and she was extremely happy, naturally. Now, some people might think it odd that I didn’t tell my father as well but you have to know my dad. He is just like me – a worrier. The sort of person who worries about everything so I felt it would be better to tell him about the pg after we had seen the heartbeat. What he didn’t know wouldn’t hurt him. I just wanted to make sure that the baby was all right before I got his hopes up and didn’t want to potentially upset him should something go wrong.
For the rest of that Mother’s Day, clearly the best one of my life, we just reveled in our newfound joy and had the best day ever. The weather was glorious, we had a great time playing with Cameron and went out to a nice dinner as a family. I will never forget it. I would have to say that aside from actually giving birth on Mother’s Day, finding out you are pg that day is about as good as it gets. My two children are very lucky, both of their existences were discovered on two very special days of my life. This baby – Mother’s Day and Cameron, July 25, the anniversary of the day Charles proposed to me.
May 10, 2004
4 Weeks, 2 days
I called the OB office this morning to let them know of my pg and set up my first appointment, etc. My first appointment is scheduled for 7 and ½ weeks, June 1. According to the nurse practitioner, my estimated due date is January 15, 2005.
May 11, 2004
4 weeks, 3 days
Ok – I am scared to death. When I got up to go the bathroom first thing this morning, I noticed some nearly imperceptible blood-tinged cervical mucous in my underwear! I know that this is not necessarily cause for alarm, but I never had anything like this with Cameron! Oh my God, please don’t let me be losing this baby! I immediately called the NP at my OB office and told her what had happened. She reassured me that while this is perfectly normal and certainly not cause for alarm, she couldn’t guarantee me that the baby was fine. Real nice – I love the fear of liability that has been instilled in doctors and nurses. I understand where they are coming from though, if I were them, I’d be no different but still the nurses’ words haunted me all day.
May 14, 2004
4 weeks, 6 days
I wouldn’t be me if I wasn’t constantly worrying. I am so worried today about this pg. Why? Oh, because, and don’t laugh here, I actually feel too good to be pg. I don’t feel sick, I don’t feel tired, and though my breasts are a tad tender, I honestly don’t feel like I am pg at all. This is SO not the way it was with Cameron. That’s another thing that is driving me nuts so far – I keep comparing this pg to my last and though I know every pg is different and you should never compare, I can’t help but interpret every difference between the two pgs as an indication that something is wrong with this one. Ughhhhh…how am I ever going to make it to 40 weeks?
Did I mention I switched OB offices from the last time I was pg? I was sick of the last office, was not thrilled with the fact that there were like 50 doctors in the practice and a very unfriendly office staff so I got a recommendation for a new doctor, closer to where we now live who practices out of an even better hospital than the one where Cameron was born. First off, I have to say, I love my new doctor and practice. There are only two doctors so it’s very close knit and everyone knows everyone and what’s really nice is I don’t have to meet with a ton of doctors in the practice before delivering. With Cameron, the doctor who delivered Cameron, though extremely nice and competent, was someone I had never even met. He was the last doctor I was scheduled to see before I was so quickly induced but never had the opportunity. While it all worked out fine and I was very happy with the delivery, I like this set-up much better.
First of all, what doctor’s office, particularly and OB office, takes you on a Friday morning, without an appointment, when you have a yelling toddler in your arms? Answer: my office. They are absolutely wonderful in that way.
I was upsetting myself so much thinking that I wasn’t pg because I wasn’t “sick” enough, that I popped into the office unannounced with Cameron and they actually took me right away. Dr. S is such a funny, nice, down to earth guy, I simply LOVE him. He took me into his office, sat me down and let me unload all my fears. When I was finished, he just sat there and looked at me with that smirk of his. I was like “What?” WHAT??” He started to chuckle and said, “So you are telling me that the sole reason you are here is not because you are cramping, not because you are bleeding, not because you can’t stop throwing up, but because you FEEL GREAT?” I had to laugh myself but then I said, “Yeah, but Dr. S., it just wasn’t this way with my son!” He patted my arm and said, “Corinne, every pg is different, trust me, it probably just means you got lucky, and besides, the game just started, my dear. You still have many, many weeks left of this pg and it is still very possible you might still get sick.” Turns out, I should have listened, but more on that later.
So then the conversation turned to me even getting pg in the first place. I told Dr. S. how we hadn’t really been trying but sort of were adopting the, whatever happens, happens approach. I told him that not only was I shocked I got pg so easily this time because it took so long with Cam, but I was also shocked because we had only had sex on Day 10 and 11 of my cycle and usually I ovulate on Day 14. He asked me how long my cycles were and I said always 28-29 days, for the most part. He said it was extremely rare for someone to get pg that early in their cycle before O’ing and that he was pretty surprised it happened to me, considering my history. He said that realistically speaking, that means the sperm would have had to live at least 3 days before the egg even showed up and that there is a slight chance my egg was not yet ripe enough but fertilized anyway and that I had the potential to miscarry if the egg was not a good one. Well, though Dr. S. didn’t mean to scare me, he made me feel even worse than when I had arrived! I was so stunned by this knowledge that I just sat there. He then reassured me that everything was probably all right but that there’s always that chance. He also said that he would offer to give me a vaginal u/s but because we more than likely wouldn’t be able to see the heart beating that early, he said it wouldn’t be worth the effort because we couldn’t actually confirm anything. I actually left that office in sort of a daze. I didn’t know what to think. So instead what I did was fall into a deep sort of depression, which actually lasted about a week. I was feeling no morning sickness, and after psyching myself out all afternoon, I had myself convinced that the egg was not ripe enough and that my baby was not well.
May 30, 2004
7 Weeks, 1 Day
“Be careful what you wish for” – that’s a phrase that applies all too well here. I had the audacity and the stupidity to actually take myself into my doctor’s office without even so much as an appointment or a phone call of warning – my complaint? That I felt wonderful so something must be wrong with the baby – because a healthy pg woman with a healthy fetus is always sick, at least, that is the what I always thought. On June 1 I have my first official OB appointment where we get to have an u/s to see the h/b and I am not even nervous about it – why? Because I have been pretty sick ever since that last trip into my OB’s office. That first weekend after I went there, I stayed depressed all weekend worrying about what could be wrong with the baby that would cause me to feel so wonderful, and by that Monday, m/s started to kick in. Now, I have to say that m/s this go around has been not even close to as miserable as it was with Cameron – not even close. I mean, with this pg, I can actually do things, such as sit up, move my legs, talk without wanting to puke. With Cameron, that first trimester was a nightmare, I could barely do anything and though I never threw up, I was so sick, I barely left my bed. This time, I feel a little nauseous here and there throughout the day but feel pretty nauseous in the mornings, but that is really it. It doesn’t remotely affect my life in the way it did with Cameron.
So, due to the m/s, I started to feel a little better that my baby must be OK. I can still wear my regular clothes just fine (even at this early stage, I couldn’t with Cameron) but I do feel pg.
I have no particular aversions or cravings so far, but what’s weird is, I DO crave fish, but when I try to eat it, it makes me nauseous. This is an improvement over my last pg where just hearing the word fish made me start to swoon. I will just be so happy when I get to see that h/b for the first time, I will feel so much more reassured then.
June 1, 2004
7 weeks, 3 days
I had my first OB appointment today and it went well, i.e., we saw the h/b and everything looked great, the yolk sac, etc., it was all there and where it was supposed to be. We had a two hour appointment with the dr. basically filling out tons of paperwork, taking vials and vials of blood and sitting with him in his office and asking tons of questions.
One of the more serious issues we discussed was that of Down’s Syndrome. I may have mentioned not long ago that someone I knew had been pg with a child with DS. That someone was my half sister. She had CVS testing at I think around 10 weeks to determine the health of her growing fetus and sadly learned that her child did indeed have DS. My sister was 43 when this terrible event occurred but still, it did happen in my family so I had to mention it to my doctor. What he wanted to know was if the DS this baby had was Trisomy 21 or some other kind. If it was Trisomy 21, that basically means the baby had DS because she is an older woman. If it is any other kind, it means it is a genetic defect. I did not know the answer and my doctor wants me to find out because he says it is important to know these things. Well, here is my dilemma – first of all, my sister has been trying for years to have kids. She had gone through all sorts of infertility treatments, IUI, IVF, etc. none of which ever worked. So after finally giving up on ever becoming pg, she gets pg all on her own (or with her husband’s help, I should say), and was naturally elated. My sister opted to have CVS testing in lieu of an amnio because CVS can be performed much earlier than an amnio thereby making it easier to perform a D&C should that be her decision. As (bad) luck would have it, my sister’s child did have Down’s Syndrome and she terminated that pg. She was devastated and is still suffering, though we hardly ever speak. We don’t speak not because we don’t like each other, I think it’s just more that we are not close and really have nothing in common, we never did. Nevertheless, this does not mean I want to be a thorn in her side with my recent news. I am dreading calling her and telling her and in all honesty, would love to just never tell her. She’d never know, we hardly ever see each other and after Cameron was born, she never even met him until last year – but of course, that is ridiculous, I have to tell her. I asked my Dad to do it and he refused and since it’s not my mother’s daughter, I don’t really see how it’s her place. I decided I will wait until after the amnio results are in to tell her. Yes, I am stalling but I really just don’t want to face this. I know how I would feel if the roles were reversed…
June 16, 2004
10 Weeks
My due date has been changed to January 12, 2005 since the doctor said I am measuring 3 days ahead. So as of today, I am officially 10 weeks! I am pretty much convinced by now that this is baby is a boy. Cameron measured ahead as well and though I don’t think this fact really has anything to do with the baby’s gender, it is just my intuition.
Ok, so I haven’t really talked yet of how I am feeling or what I am experiencing thus far in this pg. Nor have I mentioned Cameron, both of which I will do today…
I find there are a lot of similarities as well as differences in this pg as in the last. So far, here are the similarities:
1) Nausea
2) Aversion to fish
3) Fatigue
4) Sore breasts
Here are some of the differences:
1) My stomach is much smaller than last time, I can still wear my regular clothes – with Cam, I was in maternity tops by this time.
2) Weight is being distributed to my butt and hips this time, I find my pants are tight around the ass but my stomach is perfectly fine.
3) With Cam, I had an aversion to fish, as I do this time. The difference now is that though fish still makes me nauseous if I eat it, I crave it all the time. Very bizarre.
4) With Cam, I craved all healthy cereals – Shredded Wheat, Grape Nuts, Raisin Bran – this pg, all I ever want for breakfast is Cocoa Crispies. In general, all I want is junk food this pg, healthy stuff seriously grosses me out.
5) Though I am nauseous, it is nearly imperceptible nausea that I only notice because I am pg. It is nothing like the nausea I experienced with Cameron where I was so sick I could barely get out of bed.
I think this is what is so difficult for me in this pg – the fact that I constantly compare and thus agonize about the differences in this pg from my first. In my idiotic little mind, all pgs are supposed to be the same. I have a very difficult time accepting that things can be very different this time around and the baby will still be healthy. Because my last pg was so easy and the baby was healthy, I interpret every difference in this pg as there being something wrong with this baby. I tell you, it keeps me up nights worrying about it. Forget all the wisdom of mothers past, with their reassuring words that every pg is different and there is nothing to worry about. To that I say – ha! Telling Corinne not to worry is like telling the sun not to shine, or the rain not to fall, as the case may be. All I can say is thank God for Cameron because if I didn’t have him to distract me, I swear I would lose my mind.
Did I happen to mention that deep down, I just know this is a boy? Don’t ask me why – I just know.
June 27, 2005 – Almost 12 weeks
Spent my birthday with Chris and Shannon (best friends in the area) and went out to dinner at L’Auberge Chez Francois with Charles. I can’t believe I am 35 – I feel so young. Not that 35 isn’t but I am clearly not close to being in my 20s anymore. And I could care less – now that’s a first for me. I am just so happy to be having this second baby, I don’t care how old I am anymore. I know it’s crazy, hokey and corny, but I feel like I can do anything.
June 29, 2004 – 12 Weeks
I had my monthly OBGYN visit today and all went smoothly, meaning we heard the heartbeat with the Doppler machine and unlike the first heartbeat reading with Cameron, the nurse was able to find this heartbeat immediately, though she said the baby seems to move around a lot. She also reported that the heartbeat was about 155 BPM which if I am not mistaken, is pretty much what Cameron’s heartbeat was for most of my pg with him as well (making me think it’s a boy again). I had no internal exam (very pleased about that) and talked with the doctor about getting tested for Sickle Cell Anemia. I am not worried about that, Charles and I have both been tested before and neither of us are carriers but the doctor wants to test us again, just to be sure.
Ok – is it just me or is my stomach not growing that quickly? This is just driving me insane. With Cameron (and I know by now you are sick of me comparing the two but I can’t help it), I used to remember waking up periodically during each trimester and noticing a dramatic difference in my stomach. This time around, my stomach is not only not as big, but not as hard. My ass however, is definitely widening. I noticed it when I went to put on a maternity shirt. The belly part of the shirt is too big, but the width of the bottom of the shirt is nowhere near big enough to fall nicely on my body because my stupid hips and legs are spread out like a damn horseshoe. I asked Charles for his honest opinion and after hemming and hawing for 5 minutes, he admitted that though I don’t yet look as heavy as I did when pg with Cam, my whole body looks wider. Not the flesh, but the frame. Just great. If it’s my frame that is widening, you KNOW that is never going to go back to the way it was. Oh well, what can you do, right?
You know one thing that amazes me about being pg this time? The fact that so many people who see me first ask me “Are you pg?” And then when I say that I am, they usually respond that I don’t look it! Well, what the hell does that mean? If I don’t look pg, why did you ask if I was??? That just means I look fat, and not pg. Simply great. I can tell you, this time around, I am not the picture of the cute and adorable pg woman (not that I ever was). I was a lot closer to being cute last time, but this time, I am about as cute as a baby elephant in the circus – wearing a dress. It’s not looking very pretty for me this time around, let me tell you.
So far this pg I have had not one pg dream that I can recall, oh scratch that, I actually do think I had one about a baby girl, but I don’t know, I just can’t get over this feeling that this baby is a boy. The pregnancies are different in a lot of ways but it doesn’t matter, I still feel this is a boy. I guess because I just can’t picture myself with a girl. I will be happy either way of course, just so long as s/he is healthy. It sounds like a complete cliché but in my case it happens to be true, given Cameron’s loss of hearing.
July 19, 2004 – 14 Weeks, 4 Days
Today I had one of the most frightening experiences thus far in my pg, and that includes the last one as well. It all started out as a normal day – I took Cameron to the mall to play at the indoor playground, (since it was too stinking hot to even think about being outside) and while we were there, I sat down to eat a sandwich that I had bought from Nordstrom Café. Just your simple run of the mill chicken salad sandwich on what looked to be Rye bread. I took Cameron and the sandwich up to the playground area and sat on the benches and ate my sandwich while I watched him play. The sandwich was absolutely delicious until I got to the last bite. I chewed and tried to swallow the last morsel of sandwich but something just tasted off and before I knew it, in front of a gaggle of people, I found myself throwing up into the brown paper sack that my sandwich had been in. It was simply awful, I was mortified to say the least. I am proud to say that I dusted myself off, gathered Cameron up and took him to the carousel, where I proceeded to get even more sick as he insisted we go on the teacup ride together.
After stumbling off of the carousel and somehow managing to get to the car, I made it home, put Cameron down for a nap and tried to rest. Later that evening after a late dinner of cucumber and tomato salad, I found myself writhing on the floor, screaming in pain. I had the WORST stomach cramps of my entire life, these absolutely awful, dull, horrific pains in my upper abdomen that were so incapacitating that I was on the floor screaming at Charles to help me. I was also broken out in a sweat so bad that I literally stripped my clothes off from the waist up and was rolling all over the bathroom floor. It was quite the sight, I am sure. After calling the doctor on call, I was instructed to go to emergency. This required us getting Cameron out of bed at 11 at night, getting in the car and driving the 12 or so miles to the hospital, the whole time I am screaming bloody murder. We actually had to turn around at one point because I just had to go to the bathroom and never would have made it all the way to the hospital before exploding – literally. Anyway, we finally made it and it was determined I had had some kind of food poisoning – lovely. The good news was that the baby was unaffected, thank God. I ended up spending the night in the hospital getting rehydrated, all the while catching reruns of The Flip Wilson Show, The Brady Bunch and I Love Lucy, which were the only working channels. Charles and Cameron left and went home where poor Charles had to entertain Cameron all night since he was by now, wide awake. Cameron apparently fell asleep at 5:30 and was asleep a whole half hour before I called from the hospital to tell Charles I was being released and that he had to come get me. What can I say, it was a great day and evening. The thing I want noted for posterity is that it was easily the WORST pain I have EVER had in my entire life. It was simply horrible and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. I thought tearing my anterior cruciate ligament was bad but that was nothing in comparison. I tell you, if someone could have put me out of my misery by raining bullets into my skull I would have gladly helped them pull the trigger. Yes. It was that bad.
July 22, 2004 – Week 15
Had my monthly visit with my OBGYN today – we listened for the heartbeat which was at 160 BPM. I have gained (gulp) five pounds since my last visit (whimper) but I am still in the ten pound range which they said was fine. I have to say, it is so weird not having my OB yell at me for gaining weight, like last time. They are always so pleased with everything, it is really a great feeling.
Nothing truly noteworthy occurred on this visit except that we discussed my upcoming amnio scheduled now for July 26, (moved up from the 28). I would be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous about it, not so much the needle but the results. After my sister’s scare with DS I am completely paranoid though Dr. S. reassured me that the link or hereditary trait that would cause me to have a child with DS is not a sibling whose child has it, it would be me already having had a child with DS or my age, etc. But the fact that a half sister had a child with DS does not increase my risk. To that I say, yeah, yeah, yeah, that’s what they all say, until it happens to me. No, I will just sit here and worry until the results come in, thank you and even after they come back fine, I will STILL worry. I mean, yeah, the amnio checks for 40 birth defects but there are over FOUR HUNDRED possible defects that a baby can have. That means in my book, I am only 10% covered – what about the remaining 90%?????
Did I mention how incredibly cute Cameron is with me during this pg? Now clearly he has no clue that a baby is coming to this house and going to live here with us, no, he has NO concept of what that all means. However – he does point to my belly and says “baby” all the time and kisses my stomach and hugs it and makes these little cooing noises. It’s so sweet to watch and I only wish I could catch it on video but that’s a tough one. You know how it is with a toddler – your window of time to do anything is just so short.
I can’t stop thinking about how cute it will be to see the two of them together. Cameron holding the baby, Cameron interacting with him (her) – I really feel like our family is complete now that we will have two little babies (Ok, so Cam is not a baby, but he still MY baby) in our lives. I never thought I would even get ONE but now I get TWO???? How could I be so lucky????
July 26, 2004 - 15 Weeks, 4 Days
Today was the big day, day of the amniocentesis! And what a day it was. First of all, my appt. was at 2 and we weren’t actually seen until four freakin’ thirty. So – I had to agonize all that time until I could finally get in to the examining room. First off, let me just say that an amnio is really not a big deal and if you have any doubts whatsoever about getting one, let me reassure you that it is truly a nothing procedure. The u/s tech first scanned my belly and as she was doing it, we told her that we didn’t want to know the sex, UNLESS she was absolutely sure. She told us she wasn’t sure and we could just wait for the results when they came in – fine with me. As we looked at the u/s picture however, the image of the baby’s face looked IDENTICAL to Cameron’s in his u/s picture taken at his 20 week u/s, I remember it distinctly. I even said to Charles, it looks just like Cameron, I think it’s a boy, and he just laughed. Next Dr. H came in and he looked at the u/s and first thing he said was “So – do you want to know the sex?” So we repeated exactly what we had said to the u/s tech and Dr. H’s response was simply “Oh trust me, I know what it is.” That’s when I knew we were having another boy because when they are that sure, it means they saw a penis. So Dr. H. confirmed what I was thinking and we were happy. He said so far from what he could see the baby looks fine and everything looked to be where it should be and that was really all that mattered.
Now – I know that I have always said I wanted a girl, and yes, that’s true, I did/I do, and maybe I will have a girl one day, maybe I won’t – at this rate, I don’t know for sure whether we can or will have any more children, period. But I don’t know, after having Cameron and seeing how wonderful a little boy is, I honestly don’t care what I have anymore. The one thing that I will admit is buying boys’ clothes again sort of sucks but that is such a small part of the whole picture. They are only clothes, after all. While I would have been very happy to have a girl, I was also very happy to know we were having a boy. Part of me, selfishly, I have to admit, was hoping for a boy all along. I guess I feel that it would be good, no better, at this stage in Cam’s life, to have a brother, rather than a sister. Don’t ask me why I think that but knowing Cam the way I do, it is something I sense with him. I had always said my ideal family situation was three children, preferably two boys and one girl, the two boys for each other and the one girl for me. Silly, I know but that’s what I always thought. So, who knows, maybe it will pan out that way, maybe it won’t but for now we are just so happy to know he’s healthy. And as the saying goes, a girl can always find her special “sister” out there one day in life, but a boy can never truly find a brother, so you have to give him one. We feel very fortunate that we were able to do that, and my only wish is that my two boys one day realize, understand and accept that concept.
When I was pg with Cam, we didn’t find out his sex because we wanted the surprise. We were met with much dissension due to the fact that 1) people were dying to know the sex and 2) people felt we would bond better if we knew the sex before hand. At the time, I thought this to be utter bullshit, in my mind nothing could make me bond more with a baby I already loved so much. This time, in order to prepare properly, we wanted to know the sex. And I have to honestly say – my feelings have NOT changed one bit. I don’t feel any closer to this baby than I did with Cam simply because I know he’s a boy. I also don’t feel any closer to this baby now vs. earlier in my pg because I know the sex. I am not saying that isn’t the case for other people, I am only saying it isn’t the case for me. I liked it much better not knowing the sex throughout the entire pg, and if we ever have another child, we will wait until the birth to find out. Live and learn, right?
August 2, 2004 – 16 Weeks, 4 Days
Well, I am already starting to stress about the amnio results, this totally effing sucks. I was so cocky about it months ago thinking, I am only 35, I don’t even need this test, why am I even taking it but now as I lie awake in bed at night, I start to worry about what it would be like to raise a baby with DS. How would we do it? What kind of life would it be for the child? Would it be fair to the child? Would it be fair to Cameron? What about a child with Spina Bifida or Cystic Fibrosis? What kind of life can that child expect to lead? I am telling you, you could drive yourself to drink thinking about all the possibilities and ramifications of that one little test. It really puts the important things in perspective. A healthy child – what an incredible blessing.
We have had a hard time struggling with names for this baby. Part of us wants to continue on with the traditional C them we we have going here but another part of us wants something different. Plus the fact that there are hardly and remaining boy C names that we like. As it is, Charles’ family can barely pronounce Cameron’s name – they often refer to him as “CamerON” as if to say the camera is on, instead of Camer-in, as it phonetically is pronounced. Effing ridiculous. (It’s like, what is wrong with you people? Have you never heard of Cameron Crowe, Cameron Diaz or James Cameron)???? Besides, two of Cameron’s young cousins have C names and the family is always calling Cameron by those names out of sheer absentmindedness and that pisses me off as well. There is one name we like that begins with “S” but Charles’ brother’s nickname begins with S so part of us is loathe to recreate the two brothers, same initials dynamic all over again. As Charles loves to tell me over and over again, as children, teenagers and young adults, Charles and his brother just did not get along at all. The way Charles tells it, his brother just completely abused him and mistreated him and he is still to this day very bitter about it. He has always said he never wants to see his sons behaving in the way that he and his brother did and he feels that by giving them names starting with the same initials, it would be a bad omen. I have to say, as silly as all this sounds, I am just as superstitious and have my misgivings about it as well. It’s too bad though because I really do love the “S” name we picked out. And we just can’t come up with anything else. I don’t want what I like to refer to as the “year 2000 trendy names” that so many children have. I won’t name them here so as not to offend anyone if their child happens to have that particular name, but believe me, for me there are tons of them. I also don’t want a classic yet common name that you hear every time you are in the grocery store. So we are at a loss. We are considering just calling him Baby “Taxito,” seeing as how he will probably be born before the New Year and therefore result in a nice tax deduction.
August 10, 2004 – 17 Weeks, 5 Days
Ok, so as of today, my amnio results are going on 15 effing days and the effing results only take 10 to come in, so what the eff happened to my 5 days, can someone tell me that? That is basically what I decided to find out this morning when I called in to the doctor’s office, only to be greeted by a complete moron who hemmed and hawed and told me that the person who was to explain my results to me would not be in until 11. At that point, it was only 9 and upon hearing these words, I nearly had a stroke. I said to the woman on the other end of "You MUST be kidding me - are you telling me that the results of my test which normally take only 10 days to obtain, which you currently have in your office at this very moment, on the 15th day of a test that only takes 10 days, can only be delivered by ONE person in that whole office??? I know you are not telling me that I have to wait 2 hours for this news, I know you are not telling me that." Rude of me, I know but hell, I was desperate. Within about 30 seconds someone came back on the line saying the results were all normal, the baby is perfectly fine - now was that so hard? : ) Sometimes it pays to be rude I guess, in which case I should be the richest person on the planet. Ahhh, now we can finally start telling people I am pregnant, should be interesting seeing as how not one person on Charles' side of the family has a clue I am pregnant. Last time we saw them in May, we told them there was no way we'd never have any more kids - hahaha.
Oh yeah, did I mention we haven’t told a single soul in Charles’ family yet? That’s right – we didn’t. More on that later…
But getting back to the amnio results – I cannot even tell you the sigh of relief I had getting that wonderful news. Not to say that something still couldn’t be wrong or that something bad still couldn’t happen – you aren’t even safe AFTER the child is born, let alone before. Still, it was great to get that news. I feel like a weight has been lifted and I can get on with my life. I had stopped buying maternity gear (like bras and underwear) because I didn’t want to jinx myself so I am now off to the store in a few minutes to trade in my 34 Bs for my 38 DDs. Yes, I am not effing kidding. Just call me Bessie. With what I have growing in these two big saddle bags resembling breasts, I could poison an entire nation of lactose intolerant people.
Can I just say, it will be GREAT to get Cameron into his own room and out of that damn crib. He has finally learned that he can climb out and it had been pure hell since that point. I actually caught him in the act one afternoon after a nap, and what I saw was my son standing/balancing on the rail of his crib, arms splayed out like a tight rope walker, taking a flying leap as high as he could go. He landed on his feet but somehow managed to conk his head on the floor at the same time. Luckily he wasn’t hurt. It all happened so fast I couldn’t even stop him. Needless to say, we have lowered the crib rail now so he can just slide out without hurting himself.
Another thing that will be great is if he can be fully potty trained by the time the baby comes. I can’t even begin to articulate how incredibly sick I am of diapers, at least – toddler diapers. It’s like changing an adult as far as I am concerned. Today we caught Cameron (right before his bath), naked in front of the toilet (ours, not his) peeing straight into the toilet. Not to be graphic but he was even holding his penis like a grown man, perfect aim and everything. Charles and I stood there dumbfounded and then jumped up and down and cheered and praised him forever. I tell you, if I had witnessed such a scene four years earlier, you could bet your ass that I would have said that I would never behave so ridiculously, not over something as stupid as going to the bathroom. Funny how things change and you see everything from a different light. That one step of being able to pee into the toilet represents a certain freedom for me that I have been dreaming of for 2 years now. : )
August 12, 2004 – 18 Weeks
Tomorrow we leave for CT for 10 days and I am actually looking forward to it. I have to say, I am a bit nervous about not having told anyone that I am pg. I mean, who the hell doesn’t tell their family their wife is pg nearly halfway through her pregnancy? Unless of course they are estranged from their family or something, but that is not the case here. That decision is something I blame totally on Charles. We had originally planned on telling his family when I was about 10 weeks along, a time when Charles’ mother was scheduled to come and visit us for awhile. She hasn’t been here since that Mexico screw up and that is totally out of character for her as she used to visit us every three months. Anyway, when she cancelled on us yet again, Charles took it personally and was so furious that he basically said “Screw her, she can find out the news when I am good and ready to tell her,” and that was that. I left it alone because honestly, it’s not my place to tell him what to tell his family and if there are family issues pissing him off, then it is for him to resolve them, not me. I don’t really care who knows at this point anyway, so I just left it all alone. However, now that we are going up there to visit, I am sort of creeped out about not having told anyone. What if they are mad at us or something? Of course, the answer is simply, “Who cares if they are mad, that is their problem, not ours,” but still, I would feel bad if they were mad. It is supposed to be a joyous occasion, not one of hard feelings. Well at least Charles’ mom will be happy it’s a boy. She once (confidentially) told me recently that she would be thrilled if we had another boy because she actually prefers them, which shocked the hell out of me. I always thought she would prefer girls since she never had any but according to her, she prefers boys because she had two of her own and that is what she knows, and she thinks they are cuter, have more personality and are more fun to be around in general (her words, not mine). Of course, she could have been blowing sunshine up my ass but I am inclined to believe her. If the way she loves Cameron and pays attention to him is any indication, then she is definitely being honest. Regardless, it should be an interesting trip, I expect much commentary from various family members and only hope that I can restrain myself from the “fist of death” should I feel provoked for any reason. I am much moodier this pg than I was with Cam, much, much more, so pissing me off these days is a very simple task to accomplish. Should be a barrel of laughs and I will be sure to report back….
September 2, 2004 – 21 Weeks
Sorry it’s been so long since my last post but after we came back from CT, my MIL came to visit the following week. It’s really nice when she visits but honestly, I just don’t get why she always wants to tailgate on the back of one of our trips up to CT. I mean, to me it would make more sense for her to “spread the love,” so to speak and space out her trips and ours, instead of coming in January, then not coming for the next 7 or 8 months, and then waiting for us to go there and her to immediately visit us after that. I just don’t get it, but I keep my mouth shut, my head down and just plod along and do what I am told. Anyway, between the trip to CT and then my MIL’s trip back, I have had no computer time whatsoever and I find myself behind, once again.
Just a quick note for my baby: I feel so, so bad that I don’t write nearly as much as I did with Cameron, I believe I wrote weekly with him if I am not mistaken and I already feel like a shitty mother to my second child for not being as diligent, as detailed and as humorous as I was in Cameron’s Pg Diary – and even though it is going to sound like a lame excuse, I can’t help but state the obvious and the stereotypical reason – the second time around you just can’t do as much as you did with the first, and it is not out of lack of love or wanting, it is simply time. If I were to spend as much time on the computer during this pg as I did with Cameron’s, Cameron would go unbathed, unfed and basically neglected. And then by the time I go to bed, after playing with and taking care of him all day, I am too tired to do anything but go to bed. I also can’t forget we are in a different residence altogether, meaning, we were in a smaller apartment with Cam and a bigger house now, with a yard, etc. to care for. By the time I clean and do all the stuff I didn’t have to do when we lived in an apartment, there is simply not enough computer time left. Sigh – I hope my poor little second baby doesn’t take offense and think I cared more about Cam’s pg then this one, but if sibling rivalry is anything nearly as bad as so many people say it is, I am sure that this baby will one day spend weekly hour long sessions with his psychiatrist talking about it all, and how I favored his big brother because I wrote longer entries in his Pg diary. Lovely. Well – despite this, little baby without a name yet, please know and trust me that I DO love you just as much as I do Cam, that I love this pg and waiting for you just as much as I did with your big brother and my lack of spare time has absolutely nothing to do with my love for you. I love you so much…
Ok, so let me backtrack a little…CT was…interesting. Let’s just say everyone was thrilled with our news, well, almost everyone. Charles and his brother had somewhat of a tiff, and over what I still don’t know. They were supposed to play golf over the course of the 10 days we were there, but Charles’ brother called it all off due to the alleged hurricane warnings during the week (hurricane warnings? WHAT hurricane warnings?) and his brother mysteriously was unavailable to play golf with Charles or even come down to visit us while we there except for one day when he showed up unexpectedly and stayed for all of 2-3 hours and then another which happened to be the Saturday before we left. He and his wife showed up at around 1:30 and then left at about 4:30, when they had originally planned to stay the night and hang out with us. Well that didn’t go over very well. Charles was still pissed and sulking that his brother couldn’t come down to see us while we were there, so he barely parted his lips so much as to say hello – ridiculous. Then Charles’ brother’s wife (SIL) was completely shocked (and I am not altogether sure too happy) to see that I was pg. She asked me a couple of times why we decided to have another when we had always said we wouldn’t, and I simply couldn’t tell her the truth so I just said we changed our mind or something lame like that. After that, SIL claimed not to be feeling well (all of a sudden?) and my BIL said since we were leaving so early in the morning that it would be stupid for them to stay the night and subsequently packed up all their stuff and left. He had apparently thought that he and Charles could play golf in the morning but Charles by that time had had it and didn’t want to do anything but leave. There was a lot more underlying tension and reason behind all the anger between everyone but I am still sort of in the dark about it. I almost don’t even want to know.
OK, I know I didn’t grow up with a sibling, but I just don’t get sibling rivalry or competition or issues such as these. First of all, why the HELL does everything have to hinge upon golf for these two? Can’t it just be that they want to hang out with each other, regardless of what they are doing? Does Charles have to get so upset about not playing golf with his brother? Does Charles’ brother have to only see Charles if golf is involved – so effing stupid.
This is just the brief summary of what happened between them and believe me, there is a ton more that really happened and that I could write about but I won’t because I never know who is reading and it just wouldn’t be worth causing a family rift over this diary. The bottom line is, Charles is not speaking to his brother now (not because of the trip but because of a whole bunch of other stuff that goes way back that I can’t talk about here) and I’m just staying the hell out of it. As a person with absolutely no experience with this subject, I think I would be better off leaving bad enough alone. It’s sad though, I mean, I would die if my two sons were on the outs or if one hated the other. I never understood that concept before but I already do now, awaiting this baby.
And then that leads me to my next subject – the naming of the baby. When we decided to get pg again, we had always said we didn’t want to have an October baby. The only reason is that Cam was born in March as Charles’ brother was born in March and then Charles was born 5 years later, in October. Charles absolutely did not want for us to have another child, especially if it were to be a son, be born in October, recreating the whole “Charles and his brother” dynamic. Apparently they did not get along well growing up and Charles being superstitious about it all refused to recreate that relationship (in his mind).
By the same token, Cameron’s name starts with “C” as does Charles’, so therefore, he does not want our second son’s name to begin with any letter of his brother’s name(s). What I mean by that is, Charles’ brother’s given name starts with L – so any “L” names are out. His brother never goes by that name however, and to friends and close family, he goes by his nickname which begins with “S.” So, the “S” name I had originally picked out is also out, (but we will probably use it as a middle name). To his wife’s friends and family and his former coworkers, my BIL goes by his middle name which starts with a “P.” So all “P” names are also out. So already, we are down to 23 possible letters of the alphabet with which to name our son. This just sucks because we can barely come up with a name as it is.
Most people are telling us that we need to name this baby with a “C” name anyway to keep the theme going. Aside from that being ultra corny, I simply can’t think of another “C” name that I like that doesn’t sound a lot like Cameron. We’ll probably just name him “Taxito” – a stupid nickname we came up with thinking this baby might be born before the New Year, thereby increasing our tax refund. Double sigh.
Did I mention that I had my 20 week u/s last week? Well, I did and apparently everything looks great. Of course, I must point out how awful I feel remembering the great detail I put into writing about Cam’s 20 week u/s, and how this recounting will be significantly less detailed. Basically, the u/s tech looked at all the parts, the face, legs, arms, feet, hands, fingers, toes, heart, brain, skull, neck – you name it, she looked at it and all the while I tortured her with my incessant questions: “Do you see a cleft palate? Do you see a skull deformity? Are the limbs of normal length? Are the eye sockets too far apart? Too close? Are you really sure or are you just waiting for the dr. to come in so you can tell me my baby is deformed?” She was probably ready to bean me after that one, but oh well, I couldn’t help myself. After she declared my baby safe and healthy, she gave me 3 u/s pictures to take home and two of them show Taxito with his eyes looking as if they are wide open, staring straight at us. VERY creepy. But cute still the same. Oh yeah, one more thing, this baby is measuring even further ahead, now ahead a whole week, making my official due date January 7. They say this baby will be big but they fed me that same crap with Cam, and he was a peanut. Still is.
The very next day, (August 25 – 20 weeks exactly), I went for my monthly OB visit and got the shock of my life. That shock would be that my OB said I was a fat pig and gaining weight like a like a Redskins linebacker. OK, well maybe those were not his EXACT words, but something close. The shocking thing is that I had been doing so great in my weight gain up until now and all of a sudden, my weight just ballooned. My OB chalks it all up to 1) being in CT and my MIL preparing my favorite foods for me, 2) my MIL coming back and staying with us and preparing my favorite foods all over again (which are btw, meat loaf, potato salad, shells with meat and cheese, fried chicken), 3) the incredible, sweltering heat we have been having, causing my body to retain water and swell.
Simply lovely.
So, my OB said that it’s not my total weight gain so far that worries him, it’s that the weight gain was so fast this past month. He said that if I keep on this way I will gain 50 lbs before it is all said and done. When he said that, I thought, 50 lbs? That isn’t so bad – I gained 75 with Cam and lost it all and then some afterward so what’s the big deal??? Well, apparently to “Dr. Starve his patients on an 1800 calorie a day diet,” (that’s me) – it’s a big deal. So now I am supposedly (ha) on this 1800 calorie a day diet and have an appt. in two weeks to see this other dr. in his practice, Dr. J. who is not only thin as a rail and had twins and still managed to stay thin, but who apparently is a complete Nazi when it comes to diet and weight gain. Needless to say, I am screwed.
I know I am not one of those teeny, cute pg women with that adorable little belly but damn – I saw myself in those pictures I posted on Cam’s page and I don’t think I look like a “linebacker,” as Dr. S put it. Dr. S says with my preeclampsia history that I need to be careful but I think I may just have to cheat and move my appointment for a weigh in an additional two weeks back. I simply can’t take this. You should see the diet they gave me to follow, not enough to feed a flea. Yesterday for breakfast I had a piece of dry toast, no butter. A 4 oz. glass of orange juice and tons of water. For lunch I had a can of black bean soup, more water. For a snack it was a teeny bag of unsalted pretzels (puke). For dinner I had a salad, a piece of broiled chicken, more water. Needless to say, I went to bed hungry and continued to pee all night long. I think 1800 calorie diets are what I followed on Weight Watchers when I wasn’t pg and now that I am, it is even harder. Drat. It sucks to be me, what can I say?
Moving along to present day, as mentioned at the beginning of this entry, I am now officially 21 weeks and for the first time last night, I truly could SEE the baby’s kicks through my stomach. (I am also having a lot of Braxton Hicks contractions recently). I have been feeling the kicks for awhile now, at least two months, but to see them finally, well, it is the funniest and yet sweetest thing to watch and I had completely forgotten how wonderful it is to see. I amused myself for a whole hour with this little game and naturally when Charles got home from work and wanted to see the newest little development, Taxito wouldn’t cooperate. Typical! Still, I loved having that moment to myself, talking to the little being inside me and wondering all about him, what he’ll be like, what he will think and be. I loved that he was kicking and making himself known. God, I can’t wait to hold and kiss him. Sometimes I can’t believe I still have to wait a whole 4 more months before I can see him, it seems too long.
Well, that’s it for now, I had better go as Cameron’s Elmo video is over and he is about 2 seconds away from climbing on the computer chair and scrambling up my neck to sit on my shoulders and look at the computer screen over my head as I type away – his newest game.
All the best,
Corinne and my two boys
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