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October 30, 2002
Tuesday, October 29, 2002
What Have I Done, Where Have I Gone, and Who Am I Anyway?
What Have I Done?
I must admit, I have had many moments in the past week and a half or so where I have asked myself that question. I have been feeling somewhat overwhelmed. It has become increasingly difficult for me to take care of Ethan with the way I have been feeling. Sick, sick, sick and green, green, green. I am SO unmotivated to do ANYTHING but lay in bed or on the couch. Changing his diaper has become quite a challenging affair. Mouth-breathing is the only way to go. There are days when it is hard just to find the strength to make his food and feed him. It is during those moments that I spiral… wondering how I’ll ever do it with two children. But I have to keep reminding myself that I won’t be pregnant once the next baby comes. I won’t feel sick and nauseated all the time.
Two children under the age of two. It is a scary feeling at times. I know that Ethan will be older and a little more independent by then (i.e. walking well, feeding himself more, etc.) Still, the thought does frighten me sometimes. I am very happy they will be close in age though. I have to keep reminding myself that I am thinking with a “pregnant brain”… and as we all know, pregnant brains aren’t always the most logical… they are made up mostly of emotions and feeling. It’s kind of the equivalent of thinking with a “sleep deprived” brain… the situations don’t seem NEARLY as bad when you get some sleep (or aren’t pregnant!)
Where Have I Gone?
I feel like someone stole my spirit away and replaced it. I really am not myself these days. No, I am not talking about depression. I am not depressed in the least. But, I think the sickness has taken it’s toll. I look at the dishes in my sink and just walk the other way… I don’t even TRY to motivate myself to do them. Standing at the sink is just no fun. Bending down to do laundry ain’t fun either. Why clean when you can lay around on the couch and vegetate? I also find myself extremely impatient these days. The littlest things set me off. My poor dog… I have really lost my patience with her. We have to put her outside whenever we go out… if we don’t, she will do her business in the house. She KNOWS when we are getting ready to leave… as soon as she sees our shoes come out, she heads for her bed and plants herself there. She will NOT go outside willingly. We usually have to drag her out there. Let me tell you… it’s no fun to drag a 50-pound dog outside when you are nauseatingly sick and you have a baby who screams bloody murder the second that you leave the room. I remember dragging her outside when I was nine months pregnant with Ethan. UGH. Why does pregnancy have to be so challenging?
Who Am I Anyway?
With all the impatience, I am really beginning to wonder who I really am? I don’t seem much like Mike’s wife or Ethan’s mom these days. I’ve become this whole other person and I’m not real fond of her. I want that other person back. Who am I? What have these pregnancy hormones done to me? My poor husband… he has the patience of Job… really. I have never met a man more patient than my husband. I think that subconsciously, I take advantage of that characteristic in the love of my life. I don’t do it intentionally, but I sometimes think that I don’t try hard enough to motivate myself because I know he is so patient. I need to work on that… big time.
Blessings
We are truly blessed, in more ways than one. Looks like we have a bit of money coming our way. Long story here…
For the past several months, my paychecks have been less than they were previously. Mike and I have been more than frustrated with this… we have gone over the statements meticulously… the hours are all correct but the amount just doesn’t “add up”… well, it adds up correctly, but it doesn’t make sense. I should add that my paychecks are some of the most difficult I’ve ever had to make sense of . They are long and complicated. It is very difficult to even tell how much vacation time you have in the bank because of the way they break things down.
The benefits section is even worse. I haven’t been paying for my benefits. There were several benefit plans to choose from and I chose the free one. However, even though you have a free plan, you see all the breakdown on your check about how much the benefits cost… very difficult to explain. I have had the payroll department explain it to me twice and both times it didn’t make sense. They make it look like they are charging you for the benefits but they really aren’t. They call them “flex credits”. Anyway… fair enough.
After I returned from maternity leave in March, I asked my boss to change my status from a .9 to a .6 status (basically means that I went from working 36 hours per week down to 24 hours per week). I was only eligible for the free benefits if I worked at least a .9 status, so I knew that I would no longer have my benefits. They would be gone. It was okay, we are blessed to be covered very well under Mike’s benefit plan through his employer.
Open enrollment is upon us and I received my packet in the mail as usual. I looked at it and a huge red flag was raised in my mind. Why was Mike still listed as a dependent on my benefits package? I immediately called up my Human Resources department and spoke with a nice woman there. She looked me up in the system and confirmed that all this time, I have indeed been paying for the benefits. Instead of being dropped, I started getting charged… to the tune of more than $100 a pay period (not a MONTH, a pay period… TWICE a month).
Call me stupid… believe me, I am waiting to hear a lecture about how I should understand my own paycheck. But I honestly tried… I really did and it is very, very complicated. Anyway, I begged and pleaded with the HR woman and she said that they don’t usually give reimbursements for such things… after, it was my fault for not dropping him as a dependent. She said that if I sent her an appeal letter, she would meet with a committee and fight on my behalf. I walked that letter to the office, in person, yesterday morning. She called me back today and gave me the news… they are reimbursing me for the premiums and I should be receiving about $1,700! This is money that we need SO badly. Talk about being blessed!
A 2-Child Family
I think Mike and I have decided that our family is going to be complete with two children. I have often thought that maybe three children was the perfect number, but I just don’t think I can be pregnant again. I do not enjoy being pregnant. I often hear women say how much they love being in that expectant state and how they “never feel better than when they are pregnant.” Nothing could be further from the truth for me. Don’t get me wrong. I am so blessed and thankful that I AM pregnant, but it doesn’t mean I enjoy it. I have often said that I am so lucky that I have been able to conceive so easily.
The sickness really takes me to the edge. The aches and pains are sometimes so unbearable and they have already begun. I have already, at just 8 weeks pregnant, begun feeling the sciatica as well as some very intense back pain and abdominal muscle pain. It nearly brings me to tears. I still have a good 32 weeks left to go… in which time my baby is going to grow by leaps and bounds, my uterus will stretch even further, the strain on my back will get worse, and the other aches and pains will set in. I know in my heart that I cannot do this a third time. My body just won’t tolerate it (and my mind certainly won’t either). I am happy to have my two children close together and then be done bearing children. I can then concentrate on raising my two beautiful children and not worry about bringing more into the world.
Financially, two is plenty. I don’t care what anyone says, children are expensive. Every time you turn around, they need something. The other day, I was out driving and I started thinking about that… instead of one co-pay at the doctor’s office, there will be two… instead of one child to feed at a restaurant, there will be two… two sets of school clothes, two sets of school supplies, two sets of birthday gifts, two sets of everything. I am not complaining about paying for two sets, just making the observation that two is enough.
Logistically, two is enough. We can each keep an eye on one while we are out and we aren’t outnumbered. Two is an even number… things are more easily broken in half and split in two.
Emotionally, two is enough. For us, anyway. I won’t speak for anyone else… after all, I’m the girl who used to think I wanted 3 or 4 children. Mike and I talked about it. I think that I will probably have my tubes tied after this baby is born. We are happy and satisfied with two children. If we somehow won the lotto tomorrow, we wouldn’t change our minds. I really don’t want to be pregnant anymore. We decided that if, down the road, by some crazy chance we wanted a third child, we would adopt one.
If I have a repeat c-section, I will definitely tie up while they have me open! Right now, I think that a repeat c-section is in the cards for me. I don’t know how to explain it, I just have a feeling about it and to be honest, I’m totally okay with it. If I have hypertensive issues again, it is likely. Also, I didn’t even give my uterus one year between pregnancies and that is another reason that I think a c-section might be in the cards for me. Now for anyone who is wondering, I am not the least bit disappointed by this. I’m really not. I really thought I wanted to do a VBAC and if the cards are all right and moon and stars are all aligned just so, I still might. However, I just think it’s not the way this will work out. Then again, I’m 8 weeks pregnant… so ask me again in a few months. At this time during my first pregnancy, I would have said that I had no use for a doula… and boy am I glad I was wrong and changed my mind. Even if I DO have a c-section, my doula will be right there!
Cravings
Okay… I wanted to write down some of my cravings (or food aversions) for the sake of keeping memories for this baby. This week (yes, it changes) I am craving Misty Slushes from Dairy Queen (NOT Blizzards!)… specifically the strawberry-kiwi variety. I have been absolutely craving things that are very cold and very fruity… Dreyer’s Strawberry Whole Fruit Sorbet is another… YUM. I am still all for protein… eggs, cheese, meats, etc. The other night, I swear I was dreaming of beef… filet mignon, teriyaki steak, beef stew, and the like. Nothing has really turned me off completely (with Ethan, the very THOUGHT of honey sent me running)… although I can safely say that I have had enough soda crackers and 7-Up to last me awhile. As I write this, my dear, sweet, loving husband is out getting me a Misty Slush! In case I hadn’t mentioned it, I LOVE my husband!
Hunger
I think the hunger is worse this time around. I am seriously hungry all the time. I took Ethan to Sears today to have Halloween pictures taken. I could hardly sit through the session because I was starving… starving like I hadn’t eaten in years or something. It was bad. I get quite irrational when I’m THAT hungry. I should’ve packed a snack but I didn’t. Mike met us on his lunch hour for picture taking and when we were done, we walked out together. As we got to the bottom of the escalator, we realized that we had parked on opposite sides of the store. He handed the baby to me and started walking into the mall, not the outside. I asked him where he was going and he replied, “None of your business” (which usually means he’s looking for something for me). I prodded and he wouldn’t give in. I was mad and sulky and kissed him goodbye. By that point, I was S-T-A-R-V-I-N-G. This will give you an idea of how irrational I become when I am THAT hungry… I immediately had it in my head that he was going to get something to eat without me (after all, he had spent his lunch hour with me). I went to the van, locked Ethan into his seat and got in. Instead of driving out of the mall exit nearest my parking space, I went around to the other side, looking for him. I just KNEW I was going to catch him eating something… I just KNEW he was going to get something to eat and didn’t want to share it with me. I couldn’t find him and drove out. Okay… um… hello? First of all, my husband would never do anything like that. If all he had left in his pocket was fifty cents and he knew I was hungry, he’d give it to me. He doesn’t keep secrets from me (unless it involves a gift or something like unto a gift) and what’s more… I am certainly not the kind of person who does things like that! I have NEVER, in almost 4 four years of marriage, EVER “stalked” my husband in a mall parking lot looking for, of all things, FOOD. I have really lost it. I have really gone and lost my mind and gone off the deep end. I am scared of myself right now! The moral of the story… don’t ever let Christina get that hungry and ALWAYS pack snacks!
Wednesday, October 30, 2002
We are taking Ethan trick-or-treating at our church tonight. Every year, they have an annual “Trunk or treating” event… the members of the church show up and we all park in the back and open up our trunks and pass candy out to the kids. Instead of going door to door, they go trunk to trunk… it’s a safe way for the kids to get candy and not have to worry about strange people in the neighborhood. They usually serve hot cocoa and cider to stay warm (and believe me… it’s been COLD here… temps tonight are supposed to be near freezing). It should be fun.
Tomorrow, we might hit the mall… the mall near my home has an annual trick or treating event as well… I kind of want to go just to see all the costumes, etc. None of us needs the candy. I am going to the church event tonight mainly to help pass out candy. We shall see. If we DO hit the mall, it will be early. We have a line up to catch… Survivor, CSI, and Without a Trace. It has become a bit of a “tradition” now… a couple of our friends show up every Thursday to watch the Thursday lineup with us. They thought it would be fun to come over for dessert, watch the lineup and help us pass out candy.
Between what I wrote yesterday and today, this entry is long enough! I have my first doctor’s appointment on Monday. I can’t wait. I just want to see this little jellybean on the screen! I will have an official due date based on ultrasound. I’ll be sure and write an entry about that next week!
Til then… HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ALL…stay warm, be safe, and have a GREAT weekend!
~~Christina & the Jellybean :-)
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