Ashley's Diary Entries Diary Navigation: Choose A Diary Entry -------------------- Latest Entry: 5/20/04 -------------------- 5/12/04 2/18/04 2/12/04 1/13/04 11/14/03 10/6/03 9/29/03 9/24/03 9/9/03 8/22/03 8/21/03 -------------------- Ashley's Introduction

October 6, 2003

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and still she grows fatter, while nipples grow harder.

The end of last week wrapped up what must be approximately the second month of my pregnancy and with this turning point came the sobering, sad realization that I'm already fat. Ok, maybe not quite at a full-fledged rolling fat yet, but certainly rounding out to chubby. I wish I could delude myself into believing that this is merely an early start to showing, I could even try to blame it on the b-word that most claims of pre-date "showing" are explained by. And no, by b-word I don't mean b__ch, I mean bloating. But the truth quite simply is, I'm cubby; my grandmother would say plump. I was feeling a little down about my physical appearance shortly after seeing those two pink lines just after Labour Day, since that same weekend I realized that I had gained a bit of weight over the course of the summer, ten or fifteen pounds maybe; I knew I wouldn't be able to drop my summer flubbachub and the thought of having even more weight to deal with emotionally during pregnancy and physically after delivery was very nearly depressing. Not wanting history to repeat itself, already envisioning the scale numbers headed in the same direction and magnitude as with Summer Lily's pregnancy, I immediately started carefully guarding portion size, curbing my carb intake, and trying to eat fruits and vegetables in place of more desirable, less healthy snack alternatives. I was determined not to balloon up again, I was dedicated, I was morning sick. Not throwing up, but sick enough I didn't want to eat much of anything and when I did I made healthy, low fat choices. My diet certainly wasn't perfect, but it was healthier and more balanced than the months previous. How did this happen, where did it come from? I'm willing to recognize that I started out weighing a little more than I normally do, but my clothes still fit! And I really haven't been eating an inordinate amount of food -- and healthy eats, when I have an appetite. Last week I could wear my button-up cotton pants comfortably, yesterday the top button kept popping open at every given opportunity. The pain of having excess flab pinched into a pair of now too-tight, once loose fitting pants is nothing compared to the inner pain of feeling that button let loose. So, here I am, stuck. I feel like I look about twice as pregnant as I really am, not a positive factor in my day.

And then came the unfortunate timing of something I had planned to avoid this time around, after experiencing the most excruciating pain for months on end with SL's pregnancy. My first three pregnancies all announced themselves with the same almost unbearably sensitive nipples and sore breasts. Walking sent stabbing, quaking pain through my growing breast tissue in ever-swelling breasts; showering was like standing under a stream of burning shards of glass; just thinking about my nipples arose awful creepy-crawly feelings. This pain increased with each of three pregnancies and as I crossed a milestone not reached with the first two so I did cross into a world of an entirely new experience of which "What To Expect" had given me no advance warning. Summer Lily's pregnancy started off later in the year than this one did, but as the cold weather set in the nipple and breast pain faded in comparison to a mere sensation and suddenly I knew what real breast pain was like. Any small draft made my nipples swell up to previously unimaginable sizes and a part of my body I was usually otherwise unaware of was suddenly as noticeable as could be. Hard, hard, hard; I could actually sense without look or feel, that my nipples were erect and uncomfortably, unnaturally hard. Puckering and hardening, even my entire areola joined in on the action continuing down from my nipples. The slightest drop in temperature brought about most icky pain, deep in the centre of my breast, starting at my nipple and shooting inwards (and no, it wasn't thrush although the description of the pain does sound the same). I spent the entire fall, winter, and early spring with layers on my chest, even wearing a bra to bed sometimes in hopes of added protection for my suffering nipples. The fifteen minute walk to campus was torture, hurrying the entire way after carefully wrapping my breasts in an extra scarf, pressing my arms to my chest and trying to look casual about it all. Despite my most gallant efforts to protect my precious nipples, day after day I arrived at the border of campus in tears. I had no way of knowing if it was the warm weather, the final settling of my hormones, or reaching a certain point of breast tissue growth and development, but whatever the reason I was thankful once warm spring arrived and my nipples returned to their previously predictable and comfortable behaviour.

I had hoped that 26 months of nursing, still ongoing, meant that my breast tissue was fully established and no pregnancy hormone induced rearranging and growth would be necessary. My breasts worked well and functioned perfectly for Summer Lily, I see no reason to change things now. However, again, with the approaching cool weather I have in the past two weeks felt that same freakishly hard nipple sensation creeping up, with the now expected accompanying pain. Definitely not as bad as during Summer Lily's pregnancy, but the weather has only recently started to cool and most afternoons can be considered warm by autumn standards. Still, I have hope that I will make it through the winter without the torture of three years ago returning.

I had been trying and making a serious effort to go on a long, brisk walk which included going up two steep hills, at least three times a week in the evenings after dinner. But miserable autumn weather, cold and continually rainy, with my body's threat of aching nipples makes a self-promise hard to keep at times. Now that I have a little extra inspiration I hope that I will be more motivated to exercise regularly. I didn't weigh myself at my first midwife appointment, but will have to remember to do so at the end of October. Given that I weighed myself while visiting during Labour Day weekend, I'll be able to estimate weight gain for the entire first trimester; it won't be an exact figure since the appointment date is slightly off and different scales were used, but shall be informative nonetheless.

Taking one day at a time,
and not planning on calorie counting,

in lovingkindness,
Ashley,
soon to be headed to maternity departments with baby-shaped flab to fill accepting pants.