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August 27, 2003
You had to see the look on the kids’ faces the day I told them we were having Mini Wheats for supper. Kaillan was thrilled, she could eat cereal four hundred and fifty times a day, but the whole time Brandan was eating his, he was checking me out to see if I was for real.
On every high a little exhaustion must fall.
I guess it was everything lumped together that all of a sudden hit me. Brandan had swimming lessons every morning and then soccer camp or hockey school in the afternoons. It seemed like every day I had errands to run and then poof it was supper. Remo doesn’t get home till after it, it’s the most complicated meal of the day and though I was trying like crazy to be Suzie homemaker and have the perfect meal ready and the family fed and kitchen sparkly before Remo walked in, I was only halfway there. Our meals were fantastic but holy crap the kitchen looked like a cyclone ripped through it. The kids, bless their hearts, were usually in a melt down about that time and Remo was inviting people over for seven o’clock nearly every single night. I was thrilled to see everyone but getting awfully wired. Remo got home about 7:30. At least I could’ve lost twelve pounds for all my troubles.
Weight wise I’m stagnant. After waking up a whole bunch of mornings in a row five pounds lighter, I’m stuck now. Every other pregnancy I shook it all off by week six, before the first cold spell. So all my ‘bigger’ clothes are short legged and armed. I really don’t want to go buy a chubbier wardrobe because I can’t wash those few pieces every other day in the machine from hell anymore.
I think it was one year to the day even that the washing machine officially signed out. For those just joining us, we started out with a high pitched squeal. Remo opened it up and said he just had to balance it. Then it started burning. When he pulled it apart again he said it was the belt. I can’t remember if he replaced the belt that time or not, but I do know various noises and smells had him opening it up to adjust it a few times. Only about the last nine months I had to manually start every single spin cycle, like I had nothing better to do. Three months into that routine, Kaillan landed some wild virus that left her skin rashing from even the smallest dose of laundry soap. So I added two bonus manual spin cycles to my life. Though I threatened fourty thousand times to go out and buy a new machine, I never did. Remo swore he could fix it and when we’d lived on the edge for a long time, we started talking about buying an industrial sized washing machine so I could wash a week of laundry in an hour. On Monday, when I had seven loads down (all the kids stuff for winter), four to go and the machine just quit, I about died. I called the big appliance store near us and asked for a salesman. I was prepared to buy the largest capacity machine I could have delivered immediately. By phone. But while they left me on permahold I realized I should just call in a serviceman to fix it now. Then I’ll go buy a new machine just the same. With three beautiful children and two washing machines, my life will be perfect.
I played twister all by myself in my closet last week. I was trying on formalwear (I have a couple weddings coming up) when I tried to yank myself into a long number I had to pull on over my head. Halfway on or off, the baby threw up in her crib, the phone rang and Kaillan, my least efficient secretary, answered it. My elbows were fused to my ears while my arms stood straight above my head. I couldn’t breath even. Had somebody walked in while I was wildly thrashing about in my claustrophobic panic, I’d be staring at four white walls right now.
Yay!!! A man just called to say he’ll be here before noon to fix my machine.
Allow me to turn to the kids for a moment: they’re fantastic but holy Hannah,they have their moments.
Way back when Brandan started soccer, I had some days where trying to get everyone fed and out the door were frantic. Finding his uniform and shoes and the shin pads that were never together and for sure not in a findable place, made us late all the time. Then we put him in hockey school and a hockey Mom I was not. The kid weighs 45 pounds (75th percentile for weight which I don’t get because he’s just bones and 95th for height). The equipment weighs more than him. Maybe even more than me. And it comes in forty thousand pieces. The night before, Remo showed me where it all gets put on but was I paying attention? Nope. I got to the changing room with Emmie fussing in her car seat and had no freaking clue what to do with all that stuff. Though I had a permagrin plastered on my face for the benefit of the somewhat apprehensive Brandan, in my head I was cursing like a rapper. There had to be fifty different velcros. Finally I got him out there and went to watch from the other side of the glass wall. He was like Bambi on ice. One of the littlest ones out there, the other kids were whipping all over the place and he wouldn’t move. Out of shyness or because of frustration or even just attitude, he wouldn’t try. I felt bad for him and worse for Remo, who’s a hockey nut. But the coaches kept at him, called him Buddy and didn’t wave for the mother to take him home. He got better and better and I learned something about opportunity in there. I thought starting Brandan in hockey at five was young, with kindergarten and all, maybe too much pressure. Then I found out all those whiz kids had been there since they were three and worse, when they’re six they have tryouts so they can be placed on teams with compatible levels. I wondered what would happen if we skipped this year. Would he catch up? Would his self esteem suffer during tryouts? He’s going into hockey because he loves it and I’m not sure who’s more excited about the prospect, Remo or Brandan, but I’m still nervous about starting this venture. Just another step out of a pretty innocent world. May he learn sportsmanship and compassion and mostly, may he never get hurt.
Next week is huge for all of us. Brandan starts kindergarten. We’re ready as far as gear goes though I suffered trying to find thick pastel Crayola markers. On the list they asked that we buy what they specifically ask for. I bought six different Crayola packages trying to make eight pastel ones and then found a box at Costco that had a pastel package in it. The catch was you had to buy the other three packages that came in a box. I bought a whole other box of four in case someone else was stuck, so in case you lost count, we have 14 boxes of Crayola markers. When I heard Claudia was having the same problem with a specific kind of glue, I bought bottles and sticks of glue in various sizes. For me, for her and half the living world. I had a hard time finding velcro running shoes too, maybe because by the time they’re finished making hockey stuff, there’s no velcro left in the world, but eventually we got them and he’s set. I like this time of year, the new freshness of everything. The whole family got new shoes.
We took a trip to Burlington, Vermont last weekend and had a great time. Shopped as much as we were allowed, ate at Taco Bell and the Olive Garden and Remo and I won at mini putt. When we entered the States we had three kids, when we were leaving, we stopped at Costco and bought a beautiful 5 ½ foot by 4 foot pewter mirror. We put Brandan in Claudia’s car so we could put the back row down in the van. The only way the mirror would fit (we were sweating for a while there) was if we stuffed it in at an angle over the girl’s heads. It was safe but very big and obvious. Since I shopped the most, Claudia would say she bought the mirror but we were taking it back for her. We got to the border and went first. The guy asked how many people were in the car. Four. He looked at the computer then had us put down the back window so he could see for himself. We weren’t saying a word about trading child number three for a mirror but how did he not see that big huge box over their heads? He told us we could go. That’s really when my knees started knocking because I was sure Claudia would think she had to mention the mirror and the police or the army was going to come running after us. They let her through too and it made me regret not buying more. Deviant that I am.
Emmie is a little doll who wants to be held all the time. She got so big. At that two week checkup when they’re supposed to be back at their birth weight (6 lbs 14 oz), she weighed 8lbs 7 oz. She must be close to ten now with chubby cheeks and a good strong body. All my kids were strong and I swear she’s the most so. Five weeks and she holds her head up with no support at all and she pushes herself into a stance with her feet. When I started the vitamin D she started throwing up and it may or may not be related, but thanks to real life advice and some TTM input I decided to give the drops a rest and get her in the sunlight a bit instead. It didn’t really change anything though, she has what I thought at first was infant acne, but appears to be more of skin irritation from all the spitting up and maybe laundry soap. All those probable causes makes it hard to find a cure. One time I put Vaseline on and it’s gone, the next time I do it she’s a million times worse.
When asked for an opinion on colseeping, I have to say I’m not a big advocate. First off, there’s the potential smothering risk. There’s the space of it; the baby gets half the bed, Remo takes a third and leaves me barely breathing. But what really kills me is the racket. Emersan squeaks and grunts all night long. I think every grunt is a vomit and pop up at every single noise to see if she’s choking or gasping her last breath. When I’m awake I’m a little more sensible. The other bad part about having her in my bed was that in my sleeping stupor, everytime she makes like she’s choking, I think she’s awake and I feed her. So I was getting up at 1-2-3-4-5 and calling it a night when Kaillan got up at 6. Though I coslept anyways till week four when I moved her into the crib. The first couple nights were horrible. We have a little area off our room they call the library. The crib and everything is there, close, but not so. Running over there every hour on the hour all night long made me feel like someone was smashing my head in. So we graduated to the car seat. Three nights out of four she slept four hours straight in it. The potential in that is motivating actually. I find her very alert. There were times when I was holding her while futsing with something, thinking she was asleep, then I’d glance at her and she’d be staring at me with such intensity it spooked the bejeebers out of me. I hope she feels how crazy in love with her we are and I can’t wait for real smiles. It has to be that’ll happen any day now.
As for Kaillan, the girl undoes everything. You put on her shoes, she takes them off. You snap up her pants, she unsnaps them. Look in the rearview mirror and she’s half out of the car seat. The truth of the matter is she’s always done it, but now that we have another person to preoccupy ourselves with, I find it more exasperating. Sure there are worse crimes out there, but when you’ve packed up three kids and you’re in and out of stores and she’s standing beside you on the pavement with her shoes off AGAIN, it’s enough. Mostly because the imp in her eyes implies she’s doing it intentionally. Kaillan is still awesome with Emersan but more clingier with us. If I run up the stairs for something, she comes tearing after me. When I buy anything, she pats her chest and asks “Is that for ME?” Yes, Kaillan it’s what you always wanted, a turnip. Her vocabulary is amazing. She speaks in complete sentences and uses her pronouns appropriately. At her two year checkup she was in the 50th percentile for weight and 75th for height. Her hair is really coming in now and yay again, it’s curly! I don’t know where she got it from, but I hope we keep it. Kaillan is as determined as ever. The other day she stormed into the room with her hands folded across her chest and bottom lip at her belly button and with a stomp of her foot for a more dramatic effect, she said she told Brandan to go get her a ‘posicle’ and he SAID NO. She was furious with him. Kaillan is a tattletale and comes running with a report on what anyone has done. She calls the living room the you-you room. Yesterday she asked if I ‘beemember’ the udder baby (at the park) had the same dress as her.
Speaking of udder, apparently the new thing you can’t live without is Udder Butter, it comes from a cow somehow and does miraculous things for the skin. Shania Twain SWEARS by it and I’m getting me some. From where, I don’t know but I’ll tell you. Now the other tip I got from one of my nurses at the hospital was for under eye bags or circles. She said you just put Preparation H under them and POOF you’re cured. Unless I get some sleep, all the cream in the world won’t fix me, so if one of you is determined enough to give it a shot, could you please, please, please report back to us?
At soccer the other day the coach’s wife was telling us they just found out they’ve been matched with a little girl in China, they have three boys and they’ll be going over to pick their daughter up in a couple months. We were all so excited for her and each managed to share an adoption story of our own. She won. Now you don’t know this woman from a hole in the wall but you may need to sit down just the same. Her friend had been trying for a baby for a long time before they finally decided to adopt. They started the procedure for a domestic baby, as well as one from Romania, hoping for whichever route worked best. Time went by and they were told they had a baby waiting for them in Romania, then just as they were getting ready to leave, they learned they had found a domestic baby here for them. Without hesitation, they agreed that they would keep both and their family would be complete. Off to Romania where they hit a wall. The orphanage there said they couldn’t have the baby they’d traveled the world for unless they agreed to take the older sister. They hesitated only for a bit (from nothing to three in an instant has to be kinda overwhelming) and agreed to it. As soon as they came back home they discovered that nausea she had attributed to stress was there because she was pregnant with twins. Can you IMAGINE? Five kids under the age of three. When I was telling Remo about the woman, he kept saying it was impossible, they won’t be able to cope with just the shock of it, never mind handling them all. I wonder if anyone has started a keep-them-sane collection. Clothes, toys, meals, an escape vehicle…
Speaking of sanity and getting back to my kidlets, I’m doing an awful lot of negotiation these days. When I’m one on one with any of them, they’re amazing. I’d swear I’d have ten of them if they could be like that. But lump them together and chaos reigns. Meet Brandan the Tormentor. When I’m making them toast, he’ll chirp “I’ll have the blue plate” knowing full well there’s only one blue plate and voila, Kaillan completely falls apart. Or he’ll start vacuuming just like that. Kaillan hates the vacuum and he’s actually doing it to bother her, but just the same, it’s tricky to discipline him for helping. That he’s figured out how to push every single one of her buttons is partly our fault. Over and over we had him give in to her because she’s just a baby or worse, because WE wanted piece and quiet. For the most part he’s fantastic with her, a true big brother. I can see where you earn bonus people skills just being the oldest. Now Kaillan the Manipulator happens to be a terrible twoer and will hopefully grow out of it. She knows who will meet her needs and approaches us accordingly. She uses charm before she gets bossy and when all else fails she cries hysterically. It’s the whining cry for nothing that I could really live with out. She’s pretty sensitive which could be chalked up to her being a girl or the middle child but what I like about her, trying as it often is, is her spunk. Brandan’s probably a little more easy going than her, but they both have upbeat natures. Kaillan’s still kissing the baby all day long and gets deeply wounded when I tell her not to. It’s when I try to tell her sssshhhhhh, the baby’s sleeping and she’s inches from the baby saying “Oh, baby’s seeping” loud enough to make her awake. I try to tell myself it’ll work to my advantage that the baby can’t sleep when Kaillan’s around, she’ll be so exhausted she’ll do a night. As for Emmie the Baby, I’d like to say she has colic which would justify me holding her all the time. But I know she doesn’t, she’s just very demanding and I comply. She cries every minute she’s awake till she’s picked up and then she’ll coo. Who said they can’t be spoiled when they’re brand new?
It’s a long time now I’ve been at this and I feel a little panicked about the stuff I should be doing. I’ll try to hit the board tonight. After I change the sheets on the beds and iron up the laundry, after Brandan’s soccer party and we’ve made the mini M&M cookies he wants to bring to it and we make rice krispie squares with fancy sparkles for one of the boy’s little brothers with a peanut allergy, after I write the letter about the stop sign we need on our street, and I make the labels for Brandan’s school supplies, after we do four pages of his kindergarten workbook and after I spend two hours trying to convince Kaillan to take her nap that lasts an hour, after I clean up whatever that sticky stuff is that decided to be tracked right through the house and after I pay the bills, even though it feels like I just did it and things are already late, after I clean out the fridge so I can make room for groceries tomorrow and after I’ve gone to Walmart with my list THIS LONG of things we can’t live without. A Mom’s job is never done and there’s not enough time in the day but the M&M recipe is worth posting though, with oatmeal and coconut. I’ll get at it when I’ve hit all the diaries I’m dying to read.
Deep down, I think the challenge of prioritizing is fairly amusing. I can’t wrap this up without mentioning I miss you terribly. I know YOU’RE there but that I can’t manage to swing in the same places, simply sucks.
Most sincerely,
Allieoop
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