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August 6, 2003
The prologue …
With all do respect to the people who are NICE and seriously dear to my heart, I’ve got to apologize for a birth story that bored even me out of my skull. What got me is that I felt pressured to get something up NOW so I could SUIVANT, NEXT, move onto all those posts on the board (Alicia, I was extremely relieved to read you’re ok). I discovered I don’t flow under pressure. Or maybe I’m too flippan wiped out to be interesting. Or at the very least, vain enough to think I sometimes flow. The worst part is I wanted to proofread this thing before posting but I fell asleep on myself three times. I can’t wait to get back into a routine, the diary one where I write about us and how we lived our today.
This chapter starts once upon a time…
When last I left off an entry, I’d just wrapped up my non-stress test, the one with the decelerating heart rate and the cord problem explanation. With only two days before the induction, I was feeling a little anxious. Plus I still had a million things to do. I wanted so badly to walk out of the house Monday morning calm, with everything in order and ready for the welcome home. But it would take a major miracle. Or at least twenty million minor ones.
Saturday morning we tore out of the house late for Brandan’s soccer game. We left the place in the sort of state where you’d die if someone dropped in, but we’d get to it after the game and groceries and we’d been to the market and Walmart and we bought a new washing machine. Brandan scored twelve goals and the best part was Claudia, Karim and the kids came to cheer him on too. When Karim asked Remo if he wanted to play soccer that afternoon, what I was thinking was please, no. Obviously Remo thought yah, cool, I’m in. And on the way to the game on the other side of the world, he managed to shuffle us to five of his job sites. After the game we all went for dinner and POOF, the day was done. We accomplished nothing and Brandan wanted to know how come Remo only scored two goals. Remo was trying to figure out if he’d ever walk again.
Sunday I was up at the crack of the dawn. I mopped, folded, chopped, sorted and wrote lists up the kazoos. Sad how you can never actually get ahead, getting it all done, is it even possible? I noticed the baby wasn’t moving a whole lot and orange juice, a banana and a May West didn’t change anything. I more or less convinced myself it was resting up for tomorrow till the “imagine if something went wrong the day before” thought weaseled its way into my head. We detoured for the case room. For the first nearly two hours, the baby wasn’t reactive. When I’d had so much to drink it was flowing out my ears, it finally started moving and my eyes were crossing while I concentrated on the heart rate. It dropped a few times, the one that made me ill was the 148 to 86 one, but after ages the test results were acceptable enough to send me packing. I’d be back there in just hours. Holy freaking smokes.
I think I wouldn’t have slept even if I ‘d been drugged out of my mind. At four o’clock in the morning I got up and ironed my last basket of laundry. It was pouring rain, all my babies were born on a sunshiny day. At 6:00 I called the case room to find out what time they wanted me. Of all the inductions that day, I was first priority so I knew I wouldn’t be bumped. They told me to be there in an hour. The kids were going to Andree’s so we put them in the car in their pyjamas. Kaillan had her arms wrapped fourteen times around my neck, big things were going down and she knew it. Only when I got dropped at the door did it hit me. I forgot to pack deodorant and double whammy, I forgot to put any on. What Remo always wanted, a scavenger hunt.
At the case room I had ten pages of forms to fill out but first the nurse needed a urine sample. The bathroom happened to be in between two other delivery rooms with women in them, there was something very unappealing about a community loo. So I opted not to sit on the seat. Not an easy feat when you’ve a stomach out to here and the room is the size of a refrigerator. I did what I had to do, barely, and as I was putting the pee cup on the itty bitty sink ledge, in slow motion, it tipped over and ran down the wall behind the sink. At that exact moment I heard Dr. Bray’s voice in the hallway. Shoot shoot shoot. I soaped and cleaned the wall and the floor with four thousand paper towels and before the nurse could send out a search party, I came back empty handed. I’m guessing I was the first to admit to spilled pee down the wall.
Remo eventually showed up with baby powder scemted doedorant (my worst flavour) and said I would be happy, the Australian nurse we’d had with Kaillan was there. I told him there was only one nurse I hadn’t really connected with, a French one, Francine maybe, that I wouldn’t want. Wouldn’t you know, in walked my nurse. Francine. Remo thought it was a riot. But right about then, the rain stopped and the room filled with sunshine. There’s something about a bright happy day that makes everything turn ok.
Dr. Bray came in to break my water and I wanted to know if he was ready for my cord problem delivery. He said he knew yesterday I’d worked myself into a state and basically shrugged off the whole thing, 50% of babies are born with a cord problem. The last nurse had said 80%, obviously they were just making up numbers. I gave him my usual spiel about Cerebral Palsy and he wondered aloud if I ever turn off. I mentioned I didn’t want to miss the epidural, Dr. Bray said he wasn’t letting me have one this time round, in keeping with tradition: every delivery might as well be different. He left for two operations but assured me he’d be back in time for the delivery, even if he had to leave some woman in the middle of a surgery.
But wait, he was kidding about the epidural, right?
At 9:15 the drip started and sometime between then and 9:30 I started feeling some strong contractions. I wanted to walk around to get things going though we got side tracked by one nurse after another. At some point, I’d had them all and they all remembered us. When we had Kaillan we gave a nice bottle of wine to every nurse who smiled at us even, so I’m thinking that’s what made us so memorable. Not that we’re not charming too.
We passed by the front desk and I asked if we could call the epidural man in. The Australian nurse said there’s no way I was ready for it, I was too cheerful.
Francine checked me just the same and put in a come right now call. At 6cm’s, I was progressing fast. In life, I keep figuring out how dangerous it is to stick with a first impression when it comes to people. Nurse Francine was fantastic. She said she had more fun with us than anyone else ever and opened up about her life and kids. But what scored her the most points is how good and professional she was. I decided to run for one more pee before the epidural and had to haul Remo in with me because of the IV business and the nurse was getting nervous about how fast things were going. Remo thought for sure I’d drop the baby in there. I asked him to put paper on the seat and that was an incredible adventure. First of all, the paper was see-through, every time he tried to pull a piece it shredded. It was like a game of twister in this room you couldn’t breath in, with the IV contraption and him on my head trying to reach past me and anyway every piece of paper slid into the toilet. We laughed so much we sounded like maniacs. And the whole time, the very busy epidural man was getting mad waiting. A serious serious man who wanted to tape my mouth shut. He must come from a long line of not talkers.
I was at 8cms. When Francine said there was no question I was the sort of person who could do this without drugs, I knew she was right and I started having second thoughts (you hear that Jeanette?). But what won me over was my fear that something could go wrong and I’d be better off already set up with the epidural. Keep in mind with Brandan I had complications bad enough I needed reconstructive surgery a year later. So I had the thing in and I felt like a guilty schmuck. Wimpy even, because I easily could’ve done without. Plus it didn’t help that something didn’t go right when that little number was put in. Where it should take about fifteen minutes, it took double that and the nurse and nurse in training were looking at each other with very raised eyebrows. Much to the anesthesiologist’s dismay, I chatted my face off. Maybe it’s my own fault I ended up with five big holes and very bad bruising back there.
So back to labour…Dr. Bray popped in the room just after the nurse checked and said I was nearly complete. He said he had to run back to the office and he’d be back. It felt like two minutes later he was back in the room but I later heard of someone who had an appointment that morning and she said he tore out of the office to deliver a baby. For little ol’ me. I was ready to push that baby from there to Honolulu and I would have done just that had Dr. Bray not been there to catch her. I asked him if he ever dropped one given that they’re so slippery and I got a resounding no. Except for the head part it didn’t hurt a bit, I only needed a few stitches and just like that, in two hours start to finish,, IT WAS A GIRL!!!
To me she looked awfully pale, and I asked about her colour four thousand times. Dr. Bray said she was fine and wanted to know if I perpetually think the worst. I actually stopped for a second at that very moment to think that one out. I believe I voice the worst, but deep down I don’t really feel it. As if in speaking the worst case scenario, the worst case scenario would never actually come true. Even Remo had to agree, I’m actually a pretty optimistic person.
Now that baby, I still was pretty surprised it was a girl, though I believe I’d have been just as surprised had it been a boy, scored a 9 then a 10 with her agpar scores and she weighed a whopping 6lbs 14oz. Not bad for three weeks early! Dr. Bray was quick to point out how downy and vernixy she was which confirmed his dates were correct and mine were way off. I said that’s what I had been trying to tell him all along. I daresay he found me exasperating.
Dr. Bray wanted to know what her name was but as per usual we were empty name-ed. He suggested several possibilities which happened to belong to every female in his family. I was too preoccupied with her colour to consider a name. Aren’t babies supposed to turn pink?
They unhooked the epidural business and I got up to pee. When the nurse came back she nearly had a heart attack. Even though I felt like Hercules, they have rules and I’d just broken a couple of them. I hadn’t yet left the delivery room and already my first batch of flowers arrived. An aw shucks moment. Then better than the flowers, Brandan came in with Dee Dee. He had just been to the dollar store spending his hard earned money on presents for us. He bought Remo one of those paddles with the ball tied to an elastic, he bought me a meter long package of stale chocolate medallions and he bought the baby a plate, fork and spoon. He was happy it was a girl and asked to hold her right away. They moved us to our room which gave us a chance to absorb the profoundness of this day. We had just become the parents of three children. Wow.
The phone never stopped ringing and every piece of equipment that touched me went wrong. I still had to be on the drip for another five hours but instead of putting in, it decided to take out my valuable fluids. The nurse came to do her checks but the blood pressure band wouldn’t stop pumping up till finally it blew and when she went to take my temperature, the thermometer cap flew off and beamed me in the forehead. When somebody else came in to see about giving the baby a bath, I asked her to do it with Remo. She seemed too tiny for us to bathe. I think that’s the only shocking part, you forget how small they are. For some reason I was terrified I’d drop her.
The baby nursed like a champion from the start and I was actually grateful when one nurse said the football hold was the easiest. I’d never actually even tried it on the others. My arm tends to shape their skulls, so change is good. The milk came in, less painful then I remembered it being the last couple rounds. Hey, did I ever share my milk coming in experience with Brandan? Now THAT’S one funny story.
About this incredible little girl, I fell in love with her from the very start. When I had Brandan that didn’t happen right away because I was so overwhelmed with this stranger. Who was he? It felt like we were playing with a doll except what if I goofed up? When I had Kaillan after Matthew, I think I stayed guarded. Deep down maybe I felt it was too good to be true, for sure something would go wrong. This one came and captured my whole heart. I feel so pinch myself happy. A fantastic husband, three beautiful children and a good life. Give me a second to sigh before I get back at the details…
Since peeing seems to be a recurrent theme in this thing I might as well mention that first one they had to measure. They put something on the seat to catch my first, well second actually, pee after delivery. I’ve always had an incredible bladder but it’s been in hiding for a while now. I filled that plastic pee catcher to past overflowing and I was crazy proud. It felt fantastic and I couldn’t wait for the nurse to see what I’d pulled off. I daresay she was impressed. People came and went that night but the most touching little visitor was our middle child. She couldn’t stop kissing the baby and NOBODY could hold the baby but Kaillan. She was more over the moon than me.
We were absolutely, totally nameless. People shuffled in and out and we grilled them for suggestions, trying out what we considered options. Because I was adamant she had to have a name that wasn’t on the top whatever lists, all the names we were considering were raising eyebrows. I still liked Emersan and Remo liked it too til a few people said they hated it. He liked Emily and they all liked Emily but AmyF said it was the number one most popular name and that disqualified it from the running. I tried McKenna out but it’s a big florist here and that all of a sudden became a problem. McKinley didn’t go well with our Italian last name. Remo decided he LOVED Ireland and while I couldn’t immediately discredit it, when he started taking a poll down the hallway and people were coming in very excited about that name, I started getting antsy. While it’s not like I didn’t have time to get a name ready, as with all of them, I was waiting for THE name to land in my lap. It wasn’t happening but I was more adamant than ever that we couldn’t just settle for what SURVEY SAYS.
That first afternoon the nurse came in the room and told us to shut the windows and keep the door closed, we were having a fire alarm. We never did find out if it was for real or not but twenty trucks showed up. Overnight there was a for sure fire, I could smell the smoke in my room even, so the trucks came back. And again, in the morning the trucks showed up with sirens blazing. Surely that must mean something besides there’s an Allisun in the house? The only thing I could think of was I had said when I was pregnant with Kaillan that if she was a girl and she had red hair, I would call her Gabrielle. Red trucks, red hair? It didn’t matter, her hair is dark brown and our Godson is Gabriel.
And in the end, she simply said thank you…when Dr. Bray came to see me for the last time on Wednesday, I felt so sad. Like when I was in grade three and I had to say goodbye to the teacher who I hoped loved me as much as I loved her and would want to adopt me. I gave him his gifts, took his picture with the baby. I was dressed and packed, ready to go and in one last spar, he asked where I was going. I have two little kids at home he said he wanted me to stay one more day. I choked. Was he serious? With a ‘you don’t know me yet?” he was off. Just like that, my baby making career was retired. All those months of weekly visits and I’ll see him what, 10, maybe 15 more times in my life? When I showed up there five years ago, I had no idea how much my life would change. When I had Kaillan, I remember him telling the nurse that he and I had been through a lot. And now it’s officially over.
Another sighable moment.
While I’m in a contemplating frame of mind, there’s something that struck me in the middle of one of the nights. There was never any question in my mind, if I could be so lucky, I always wanted three children. Had Matthew lived, I could have easily gone on to have another boy and been the mother of three little boys. But now, with a boy and two little girls, my life will take a very different path. Amazing isn’t it how you think you’ve got life all figured out and then just like that it changes. Scary too, to think that you never know where life will take us from here. I just pray we all stay healthy and safe.
Anonymous must be choked if I’m on page six and still no name announcement.
It seems like everyone is sure who the baby looks like but me, the mother. I swear she looks like Brandan or Kaillan but I can’t for the life of me be sure. I think she’s darker than Kaillan and now that she’s putting on a bit of weight, I’m leaning more towards Brandan. But when I put my hand under her chin to burp her and fluff up her cheeks, I can see Kaillan.
It felt weird coming home from the hospital, as if I’d been gone for a year. I hadn’t really figured out where I would put her, where to change her diaper, where was most comfortable for feeding. Very quickly Kaillan became my biggest source of anxiety because I never really feel safe leaving her with her new doll. She kisses her so often and with such exuberance I’ve done a lot of EEEEKing. I found Kaillan turned clingier all of a sudden, but what really freaked me out was her size. I want to weigh her because surely to God she gained 15 pounds in the last week. And not long ago I said that kid was skinny? She’s gigantic!
Painwise, I’m bouncing back way faster than I’d originally counted on. The afterpains that scared the crap out of me, turned up immediately so I took some pain killer every twelve hours. It wasn’t a cure but most of the sting disappeared. When she nursed it was pretty uncomfortable though the mess of the epidural seemed fierce at times too. I’d say the first three days were the worst though I kept up and at it, constantly on the go. I still swear half the battle is attitude. Just as I wrapped up the afterpain scene, in walked the milk situation. Again I had prepared myself for way worse but I got really lucky in that the baby was willing to nurse often enough I could release a little pressure. For maybe just two days I felt like my chest arrived in a room before me, I felt like I boom boomed when I walked and now slowly but surely, we’re finding a routine.
Remo really suffered through that first sleepless night. When morning finally came, he looked a mess. I find I only go to bed around midnight, maybe because subconsciously it means I’ll only have to get up twice? I don’t nap because a) when would I even do it and b) there’s fifty million things to do. For the first week I woke up Remo for one feeding, the one where the milk leaked all over the place and I had to change our sheets and clothes but then everytime Remo did that diaper with his eyes clothes, the baby would pee all over the place and we’d have to change her. Again. Then Remo came up with plan B. If I did the overnights by myself, he would set the alarm for 5:22 and put things in order so I could come down every morning to a clean house. It’s only the first day of it but I’m thinking he may be onto something. Even if deep down I’m wondering where he stuffed all those things he picked up.
You know how people say it’s a boy year or a girl year? In the days before I had the baby there were 10 boys born. When I had mine, there were eight boys and she was the second girl. Two girls out of 20 babies in a week. Interesting.
One sad thing I’ve discovered is how right from the beginning number three gets jipped off. When I was at the hospital the nurses barely came down to us, rarely even checked on her. The pediatrician checked her fast once and never came back again, signed us out even without looking at her. One nurse explained it’s because she’s our third, we know what we’re doing. The hospital calls the community medical center everytime a baby is born so they can come to the house to see how things are going, for an evaluation of the baby and to make sure the mother is coping well. I got a quick “you ok” phone call and the nurse said since this was my third, they wouldn’t come. It makes me laugh to think about how we prepared for that visit with Brandan. I swear we scrubbed the house for three days straight, I baked a cake and prepared a gourmet fruit platter. We didn’t sit down so we wouldn’t crease our clothes even. What if that nurse deemed us unfit to be parents? Most of what we did in that first little while with Brandan makes me laugh. That’s probably the BEST part about number three. You’re so incredibly relaxed. Whereas I never saw Kaillan as my baby, there’s no question in my mind that’s the place this one will hold. So I don’t sleep, it’s my last time doing this and I’m savouring every never again moment. When Remo and I asked each other if we would do it again, both of us took our time getting to no. Still, I couldn’t. Wouldn’t. But I bet I’ll still be sad when I give everything baby away.
Weight wise, I’m in better shape today than I was two weeks ago. I gained 40 POUNDS this time and I more or else had a so what attitude to it - till I came home with a nearly seven pound baby and still had 31 pounds to lose. But thankfully, or at the very least, fluidly, two weeks after and I’m down 27 with 13 to go. And I just feel better. That last ten won’t shake off as easily but I’m nursing and so active I’m not going to lose sleep over it. Lose sleep, HA!
What I did forget about was how much energy it takes to get us out the door with a baby. It’s that you have to nurse the baby at the last minute, the same minute she decides to pee or let out an explosion from the other end. Or she spits up on herself or me and I have to scramble to find something that fits both of us and have the rest of the family ready to leave on cue. Going to Brandan’s half hour swimming class takes a three hour chunk of time. Every now and then it crosses my mind how much I could accomplish if I had one day all by lonesome self. Then it hits me that I vowed to slow down and enjoy NOW. I love that we’re complete, full.
When the baby was three days old, we did our first Walmart run. I wanted to pick up Kaillan before lunch but it was nearly three by the time we even left the house. We got our things and made it to the van before you know who (whoops, you DON’T know who yet!) started hollering. I started nursing her then wanted to change her diaper. With my aunt and all those car seats for all those children, we barely fit in the van anymore so I was changing the stinky bum on my lap. Just as I slid the new diaper under her, POOF, CRACK, BANG, out flew a shot of mess and faster than my eyes popped out of my head and I could catch anything, a fountain of pee shot straight in the air. Remo said I was screaming and shell shocked. Then again, another never-ending fountain shot straight in the air. It felt like it took minutes. My lap, the seat under me even, was soaking wet warm with pee. It was in my bra even. Obviously the baby had the sort of shirt you had to slide up her back and over her head. There was crap everywhere. The scene was so bad I had to put her back naked in her seat and I had to go home for shower number three of the day. Oh how to make her parents proud, she can pee like a boy.
Ready for the official introduction to our big girl? Sitting there with breathless anticipation? Waiting anxiously? Don’t! Her name wasn’t met with thunderous applause in our corner of the world, in fact if I had a dollar for every “oh” I’ve heard, I could’ve hired someone to write this entry for me. But she’s exactly the name we chose for her and I’m going to share with you what I wrote in her birth announcement card…
““
Finding just the right name for that perfect little person takes a little gumption, a bit of luck, an opinion here and there and sometimes a sign.
There’s a poet, a race car driver and a band that borrowed her name before she came along. It means brave and strong. We like strong, admire brave. At the hospital we tried a list this long of names but kept coming back to Emersan. Was it right? Where was the sign? And then during a blood test, when any baby, any grownup even, would have flinched and cried, this tiny little girl didn’t bat an eye. The nurse was impressed and said she was brave and strong. A sign.
Claudia showed up at the hospital with an adorable brown bear our Godson had actually picked out. In the little Ty tag on the ear, the bear proudly shared its name. Olivia. Another sign. It happened to be Allisun’s father’s name (Oliver), one that she said she would use her whole life and it means peace, pure.
Emersan Olivia, ‘Emmie’
Born July 21st, 2003, weighing 6lbs 14oz and just 19 and a half inches long
We imagined the work of three, but never how incredibly this little bit of a thing would land in our lives and capture every smidgen of our hearts. She’s precious, we’ve been blessed. She seems calm too. Somebody knock on wood and light a candle.
Allisun, Remo, Brandan and Kaillan
‘”
Now I have so much more to share with you, but I’ll have to save it for the next entry (no word on when I’ll get at it, in case someone holds a gun to my head because of it), but I wanted to share the words from Claudia’s Hallmark card. The one that puts lumps in my throat every single time I read it…
“”
Someday she’ll be a famious pianist or a high school teacher.
She’ll settle down, marry, have a couple kids. Maybe she won’t.
Someday she’ll help millions of people all over the world.
Or maybe she’ll travel, send letters from Africa or phone from Rome.
Someday she’ll be a strong confident woman…
But you’ll always remember the first time you held her in your arms.
Someday she’ll have her own hopes and dreams, not knowing that once upon a quiet time, you closed your eyes and dreamed to have her in your life.
“”
It’s been two weeks, when I said to Remo, “look how big she got” he said where? I wrote up there somewhere that she’s darker than Kaillan but changed my mind since. Emmie’s actually quite fair. I’m hoping to scan some pictures up this weekend and post them up on that website I set up. But I have to find where we keep that website first. If only there was more of me. Or at least more time available. Or I was filthy stinking rich and could hire an assistant.
At least this is done, I’ve been DYING to get to your posts but we’re late for swimming lessons...
Allisun
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