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March 4, 2003
Bare with me while I think, think, think back the last couple weeks. Probably just as I hit enter on my last submission, Kaillan was whamboozled by another gastro, this one way worse than her first, typically twenty four hour, bug. For the first three days of this one, Remo held her all day long while she exploded from both ends, unless I was around, when she couldn't cope with less than 80% of her body touching mine. I pulled night shifts with her, parked on the sofa, catching projectiles all over the place. This was the sickest I've ever seen either child, Kaillan refused to drink even and we had every flavour of Pedialyte available, the frozen pops, I made an orange juice concoction the clinic suggested, water, she would take nothing. In one genius moment, I offered her an Arrowroot cookie and she had no choice but to drink because her mouth at that point was too dry to chew even. Hour by hour, she'd take a little cookie, drink a sip or maybe even an ounce. When day four dawned, we were sure the worst was over when she begged for milk. We gave her milk and wore it soon after. I called my pediatrician to see if I should bring her to the hospital since she was so weak, shaky even. She said I should bring her in immediately if I thought she was dehydrated, but she also suggested with the emergency room at past full capacity, we'd be better off at home. We kept at our routine, and when she finally started sipping soup broth and jello, even eating some plain pasta, we figured she was on the mend.
Friday afternoon, Remo brought Kaillan to our clinic where the doctor assured him we were doing everything right, Kaillan had a bad gastro and would be fine when it had run it's course. That day was also Grandma Jackie's birthday and way back, we had made plans to take her out for dinner. Given that I know how important celebrating the day on the day is to her, knowing how much she was looking forward to going out and knowing full well I was in no position to host, we tried to fenaggle a way to do it. I would go, Remo would stay home with Kaillan, we would both go, my aunt would babysit. In the end, we figured Kaillan really did look like she was coming back to life, and the restaurant was very family friendly and she might like all the lights and action. We decided to bring her, joking that this might be the first time we would ever eat in a restaurant in peace with Kaillan. I would simply hold her in my arms. Everything went according to plan until the volcano erupted. I felt her arch and stiffen and then I don't know how to describe what happened. Foamy lava of incredible proportions started spilling over her pants. The eyes of everyone at our table grew in shock and then horror, the smell was unbelievably awful. When I felt warm all over my pants, I tried to pass her off to Remo. "And do WHAT with her?" was his response. Just "TAKE HER". I gave him the look.
What happened deserves a paragraph of it's own. We went to the lassie's bathroom. Not without a fight, I hauled Remo in there with me and thanked God when I saw there was one of those changing tables in the handicapped washroom. Kaillan was totally freaked out because whatever that ooze was, it was hurting her. For the record, it was a pastel green colour, pretty on an easter egg but alien looking at that moment. We measure diaper messes based on how many wet wipes you need to use. This was a hundred wet wipe job, AFTER using a roll of toilet paper. Though I was being very careful, obviously the toilet clogged, so then on top of everything we had swirling, luminous water adding pressure. That foam seemed to magnet on everything. Her undershirt, leggings and a blanket went into a garbage bag because there was no way we could save them, her spare clothes ended up ruined too, we put two diapers on her and then tights and wrapped her in a towel. Cleaning us up left us drowned looking, cleaning the stall up, nearly impossible and Remo sauntered out of the bathroom with me like Joe Cool. We got to the table and discovered Brandan asleep on it, had our meals packed up and left. That night I got really nervous. For a kid who hadn't eaten all week, where did all that stuff come from?
Kaillan went from 24 pounds to 19 in just days, losing 20% of her body weight. She was weak and lifeless and felt like a bag of bones. If it really was a gastro, wouldn't one of us have been struck down by then? Remo's parents came over the next day with chicken soup and insisted something very serious was wrong with her, Italians don't do well with skinny anything. They left in body, but called every hour for three days after to see how much she ate. Day six, with the fever back again, Kaillan started getting aggressive. If we tried to offer her a drink she'd whip it on the floor. If I tried to set her down on the counter, beside me even and just to put a lid on her cup, she'd shriek like a wild animal. I was scared and losing patience with her, which only made me feel worse. Seven hours without a wet diaper.
Time for medical advice. I brought her in and they told me that she might have an intestinal infection, triggered by a gastro and making her lactose intolerant. That night was one of the most trying since Kaillan begged and sobbed for milk. I stayed home on Monday and the difference in her was incredible, twenty four hours with no dairy and she was a totally different kid. But the lactose thing was for how long? I went back to the pediatrician who assured me, at her age, lactose intolerance is most often not permanent, that we should keep her off all dairy for a week then reintroduce something to see how she reacts. Kaillan bounced back incredibly. On Saturday, she had Kraft dinner with milk in it and didn't seem to have any problems. This week, we'll try yogurt.
In there one day, Brandan had his annual eye check-up. A hundred years ago, I read or was told, something about head hits to the back or the front of the head, possibly causing near sightedness. Brandan has had WAY more than his share of head hits with jumps, leaps, falls, smashes all over the place, so I asked the optometrist if it was true and this could cause a problem. When he asked me if I'd discussed any of these hits with the pediatrician, it became very clear where his questions were heading. So in trying to explain wait a minute, he's a physical kid, I don't spank even, I showed him the last, I believe worst bump, Brandan ever got. I said he was jumping on our bed when he fell off and hit the back of his head on our night table. From the other side of the room, Brandan said no, that's not how it happened. The doctor paused. Brandan said he was on the bed, changing the sheets, helping. With his accent, it sounded at lot like he said "getting in sheet". I never did get a straight answer about the head hit business, probably because he didn't want to aid and abet a criminal. Onto the eye exam and I can't tell you how proud I was of my boy. When he said "rabbit, phone, truck, cake," and was over and over absolutely right, with a heart THIS BIG, I felt like nudging the doctor and saying, he's really good, hey?". When last time Brandan had a really hard time getting the three dimension questions, this time it was a piece of cake. They get so big, so fast.
And speaking of getting so big, I realize there's nothing impressive about a four year old flipping on a light switch, but Remo and I shared a moment of pride over the act of precisely that. In the kid's bathroom there's two light switches, one for the bright central light, and one for the one over the counter. It was smack in the middle of the dark of night when I heard Brandan slip himself out of bed, I assumed he was about to slither his way into ours. Instead, I saw the bright bathroom light go on, then fast off again, then the lower lights went on. He peed, flushed, turned off the light and went back to bed. So he didn't wash his hands, getting up to go in the middle of the night and not needing us, seemed so grown up! I looked over at Remo and saw a smile as big as mine and I swear we kept them til morning.
On Saturday afternoon, I took Brandan and Sabrina to see the Jungle Book movie and none of us were overly impressed. It was nothing more than so so. I'm a big Winnie the Pooh fan though, so I was really happy to see previews for Piglet's BIG movie. March 22nd. I can't wait! This weekend we've got a group going to Disney on Ice and Kaillan is part of the group, will it be a disaster? She can sit and watch a bit of Dragon Tales, though she pops up every few minutes to squeal "Tales, Tales", in case we didn't know it was on. And she's very into this Teletubbie one that makes me positively insane. It's an excerise video and there's this one part where the Tubbies go to sleep. Their nap takes all of five seconds and every single time Kaillan completely falls apart. Her bottom lip starts quivering and then she sobs out of control. We were having supper last night when from the other room she heard that part and she was a basket case, totally unconsolable even though we're showing her, "look, they're awake". Because I can't bare to pay money for another Tubbie video (at one point we had three), I'm trying to get her caught up in Barney. I like him, and I know my words may come back to haunt me, but at least he's cheerful, I'd rather have him in the background any day.
Yesterday was the ultrasound and the great news is everything looked normal. Only bad news is the baby is smaller than my dates, nearly two weeks smaller, so I got bumped back a bit. NOTHING is worse than making an already long pregnancy longer. When we first paid for the thing, the girl asked us if we wanted to know the sex of the baby. I would have been an easy swing vote because I could plan a bit, but Remo really wanted the surprise so we basically said we guess not. Obviously our banter wasn't clear to her, so we got in the room and the doctor immediately went for the genitals. The baby is breech, facing in with the placenta right in front, legs and tons of cord under the bum, seeing what it was was nearly impossible. And not for lack of trying. The doctor seemed challenged even, because he seemed to spend more time scooping under the bum than looking at vital organs. Funny how neither one of us even piped up about how we didn't actually want to know. Remo, I have no idea where he was in that room, stayed quiet. The doctor said what he thought it is, though he also warned us not to buy anything that colour or tell anybody even, so my lips are sealed.
What I will share is how strange I felt driving back to work. It's a delicate topic and I am well aware of how incredibly fortunate we are to have been blessed with two beautiful children and expecting another. I'm grateful beyond belief and hoping I can be very honest about my feelings without hurting anyone else's. But in that context, this is real for me and in my stage of the game, I think it's very healthy and normal to consider whether it is a girl or a boy. For the record, I've never ever cared what we had. Brandan I was out to lunch on, so preoccupied with whether I even had it in me to parent. Pregnant after him, I could have swung either way. A girl would be great because I had a boy, but a boy would be great for the boy I already had. Losing that boy taught me a huge lesson in just let it be healthy - and alive. Expecting Kaillan, it truly didn't matter. A girl would've been great because I didn't have one and deep down maybe because she couldn't replace our son, but then again, I also would've liked a boy because we'd lost one.
I went there possibly thinking I might even prefer the sex he thinks it is and left thinking, but wait a minute, what does that mean to the dynamics of our family? Whoa! I almost felt sad even because for the first time it hit me the pros and cons of having a girl or a boy. A girl would be nice because she would only be two years away from Kaillan, yet five from Brandan, they would probably be closer. Clothes wise, she has a beautiful wardrobe. I just went through Brandan's and figured I must have been clueless when it came to laundry back then because everything is stained and fuzz balled. I wondered about the tightness of our family. Two girls and a boy, would the girls be best friends and leave Brandan out? If the baby was a boy, would they pair off less and all stick together better? Room wise, a boy would be better because I love Brandan's room now (the baby would eventually get it), it would be easier to just move a boy into a boy room. And then I remind myself it's just a room. I could make his new one just as nice (bare with me though, I just finished decorating the kids rooms, it's still so fresh!). Deep down, I think Remo would like a boy, but that's also because Brandan is so easy to connect with at his age, and he's into EVERYTHING Remo's into. So driving along it hit me, a little wave of sadness, because one of each would be the best, most impossible and unrealistic solution. I believe whatever it is I feel happens anytime you add another to a life that's already in place. Though they get here and it's all exactly right, you can't help feeling apprehensive. But then Remo had a good point: if everytime a child arrives, you swear you can't imagine not having them in your life, why do people stop having them?
It's pancake Tuesday which means my girlfriend and family are coming over. We have spent every pancake Tuesday with them since we got married. Tossing it all together back then was way easier without kids on your head, especially given that we do all the fixings, but ritual is ritual. Funny, how important that's becoming to me now that I have a family. It really struck me when I was talking to a girlfriend and she mentioned she wasn't sure if this year she did Easter and her sister did Thanksgiving or the other way around, that I find so much comfort in habit, rituals especially related to the holidays. It makes life fuller. Warmer.
Though speaking of plans, Remo turns 35 next week. The plan so far is to go away the weekend after, but this one coming up, we were going to take it easy. Then from out of the blue, my aunt cancelled her plans and offered to babysit Saturday. Do we take off on our own or hook up with friends? Dinner, where? Remo said he'd be happy with whatever, I'm all idea'd out, but then again, every birthday deserves a week of celebrationing.
There is one bleep on our horizon. Cookies. Ever since that deathly ill bout, Kaillan is obsessed with them every minute of every day, begging for them and crashing to the floor in a wild scene when we try to take a stance. I bought spicy ginger ones, thinking for sure that would cure her and she knocked them back. She wakes up in the morning not calling for her parents, but chanting cookie, cookie, cookie. She hauls open cupboards, drags chairs around the kitchen and manipulates Brandan into getting them for her. He says he'll do anything to give himself five seconds of piece and quiet.
I saw the light of a budget last week and jumped on the wagon. It happened the Friday I spent $250 on groceries. In fairness, I was doing a big batch of cooking for the freezer, but it wasn't much more than I spend every week, I buy my lunch and we often eat out one night a week, deep down, I know we waste and we can't afford to. Loading up the stuff in the car, I started plotting. We have fabulous suppers, from there on in, I vowed to bring leftovers for lunch. I buy a lot of bulk when things are on sale, which is a great investment providing we actually will use it. But everything has an expiry date and I'm tossing a lot out, Allisun, it'll go on sale again. One big huge strive forward will be in planning my menu for the week and making a grocery list accordingly. Till now, I've been buying what I always buy and making most of our meals up as I go. Planning my list carefully saved me close to $100 the first week (maybe it's important I mention, it's only actually been a week). I won't ever cheapskate us in the food department, but could I ever benefit from sensibility.
And speaking of groceries, I'll wind this down with my embarrassing moment of the week. Last Friday was one of those it's all going wrong days. Traffic problems made me late in the morning, computer screw ups at work, Daphne was supposed to come cut our hair but fell ill (we're at that bohemian point where we pushed it too long), we had gone to a Szechuan place for lunch to celebrate one of the girl's birthdays and I ordered something vile, (Terry, who is the least pickiest person in the world confirmed, her meal was bad, mine was way worse), I planned to leave work early (didn't happen), lost my parking ticket to get out of the garage and had to pay twice my usual early bird special, forgot my phone at work and got stuck in the worst traffic in my life and when I finally got into the store and went to grab my cart, the most unexplainable thing happened.
I was wearing a skirt over my dressy, slim fitting, almost at the knees, winter boots. In what had to be the freak, fluke moment of the year, the zipper pull in one boot got caught in the zipper pull of the other boot. My legs were stuck together at the knees. My heavy wool coat is nearly to the ground and hard to hike up, my skirt was slim fitting and not very flexible and my stomach doesn't bend as easy as the next persons. I was impossibly stuck. Couldn't bend down (stuck at the knees), couldn't walk (stuck at the knees) and couldn't see (paraphanalia everywhere). Getting down there put me in a very unnatural position, blood somehow rushed to my head, maybe because I was starting to panic and yanking as hard as I could wasn't undoing them. One of the pulls fell to the floor but I didn't come apart. I could skivvy (skivvy or hop, I had no other options) over to the window ledge and sit down but it was half a foot off the ground, if I fell with my legs stuck together I'd be finished for life. I felt people staring but didn't know how to ask one of them to go down to my knees and unhook me. Climbing under my clothes seemed so intimate. Back to yanking, shifting pulling, sliding and finally I went free. Then I hauled myself up, tall and composed and finished my shopping, walking like I'd just gotten off a horse, legs two feet apart.
When I got home, Gina called, just as I was explaining my crisis to Remo and said THAT's why she'll never get on a plane with me. Things just happen to me.
Man alive, all you guys on the board? I promise, promise, promise to get to each of you tomorrow. I'm so sorry I'm so far behind, but honest, it's mostly not my fault!
Allisun
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