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January 30, 2004
So I started this day sometime last night, whilst I tried to fall into my deepest sleep ever. After I'd washed all my floors and knowing everything in every room was perfectly in order. I wanted so badly to walk out my door and go to work with peace of mind. As if at least having order would make it easier. Maybe half an hour later Emmie woke up. Needing me.
I nursed her, caressing her tiny soft hand, thinking about how much she really, really needs me to stay home with her. I put her in her crib and crawled back into bed with a heavy heart. Brandan needs me. And Kaillan. And Remo too.
Emmie woke up at 1:11. She was really only complaining, would probably have slipped right back into her sleep except that I went and picked her up. My reasoning at that very moment was I would nurse her all night, every night, if she needs me. Perhaps that rationale will change in two days. So I got up with her again at 3 something and then 4:55.
It was time to start my day. I went downstairs and discovered I had nothing to do. For the first time in my life I had all the time in the world. Brandan came down and I read the Bernstain Bears teasing story. Twice. We went and woke up Kaillan and romped in her bed. I NEVER had time for that. For the last six months I hustled like a maniac to get ready for this day. For going back to work. For finding ways to make life easier. For getting everything perfect. All those mornings I was home were a race against the clock. Racing to make it to Brandan's bus, scrambling to get everything we needed out the door. And now here I was with someplace to go, and totally ready.
Deep down I feel so sad. A little excited about the freedom and the different responsibility. Totally grateful for all that I have in my three beautiful AND HEALTHY children and Remo. Lucky. But sad. Because my first choice would be to stay with them. I know I'll get myself in a routine. Maybe even by this time next week. I remember when I was close to having Brandan and I was actually scared out of my mind about the entire scenario. Holy crap, was it going to hurt? An older man I work with, who in fact doesn't even have children, told me to look out the window at all those women who had done it and survived. He was absolutely right.
So I'd catch up with you more (now that I have way more time in my world and a computer that functions), but I'm going over to the window to have a look at all those women who are working.
Like them, I'll make it work.
I'll be back again very soon. In a routine AND I'll do what I can to keep on top of the board.
I really have missed you and here.
Allisun
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