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January 27, 2003
When I sit down to write these entries, I plunk myself in front of the computer over a lunch hour. I pick those lunches at random, generally when it's too cold or miserable to go out and almost always when I don't know of a sale. Nothing about my intention is premeditated, I have no notes, no focus, no thoughts to go on and I need to overhaul my system because at this very moment, I don't know where to start. I know a few of the girls keep running notes and I believe their method is pure brilliance, however simple. Let this be the last time I need to rack my brain like a maniac, I'm older now, my brain cells are deteriorating rapidly.
Just a few days after my last entry, my Dad and Heather went back home. They were visiting for nearly three weeks over the holidays and it was great to have them around, easy even. I should be ashamed of how I hostessed because I spent a lot of time deathly ill and flopped on the sofa mentioning I was deathly ill in case they didn't notice. Thank God they're family and they picked up my slack or pretended they didn't notice. And Remo ran around making sure all of us were taken care of, organizing, doing, organizing. The day they actually left was awful. My Dad was making like he was cheerful but I could see in his eyes how sad he was. We've always been very close though we've never been the type to talk about it. It's so hard to change how you've always been, it feels goofy even. The hours went by, slowly at first and then holy smokes, very fast all of a sudden. I knew I really didn't want to go to the airport. I suck at goodbyes, so I said we weren't going to all fit in the van with their stuff. My dad went to make room. Then when everyone had their coats on but Kaillan and I, I admitted it would be easier to not go with them, let's say goodbye here. Just thinking about it again, am I crying now as much as did then? He hugged us all, told Kaillan and I, he loved us and my Dad cried so hard he couldn't walk down the stairs. As horribly sad as I was that he was leaving, knowing I wouldn't see him again till who knows when, didn't bother me as much as knowing how heartbroken he was to be leaving the kids. I know he worries they won't remember him, I know he thinks they're amazing, and I know how unfair it is that he encouraged me to leave home all those years ago because it was the right thing for me. Probably thinking I would be back, and now he gets to see us maybe a week or two a year. The sacrifice of being a parent has a lump the size of a bagel in my throat. Remo said he cried the whole way to the airport and told him he loved him too when he hugged him.
Time to change the subject.
A couple days after that we went for the Prenatest screening. It's an ultrasound and blood test that is supposed to tell us number wise what risks we have for a baby with chromosomal disorders, 1 in 60 or one in 60,000. Going into it, we were pretty sure of our stance: we could live with anything but the kind of abnormality that a baby doesn't live with. No way was I going to the end again if I knew my baby would not live anyway. If I've said it before, I'll say it again, I am extremely different this pregnancy than I was with Kaillan. With Kaillan I obsessed about her heart stopping and every ultrasound and appointment I would be physically and emotionally wrecked, wiped out, wired. This time I went there with no frets because I just hoped everything would be ok but whatever happens, happens. I paid $175.00 for the ultrasound and $125.00 for the blood test. Since they were starting with the ultrasound, and if they discovered my pregnancy was not viable, would I get my money back? She said they would refund $20.00, in my head I thought the whole system was corrupt.
So in the ultrasound we learned the pregnancy is viable and I lost my heart to the little sweetheart thing lolling about on it's back. It was so cute!! The doctor mangled my stomach like crazy and kept getting her whachamacallit stuck on my ligament which would in turn nearly send me up to the ceiling. Ouch! It took a good twenty minutes longer than expected because she wanted a back of the neck measurement and the baby (I know it's not really a baby yet but it sure looks like one) wouldn't flip for anything. I was glad because it's settled in the same horn of the uterus that Kaillan was in and the placenta was up high. Only for a minute I worried about it bouncing all over the place in all that umbilical cord, and with a silent prayer it'll never get tangled, I've decided to toss that worry aside. For now. Matthew had the cord around his neck. They sent us on our way with a we'll get back to you within a week.
I forget which day Maurice Gibb died. I'm a big Bee Gees fan, my whole life I wanted to go to a Bee Gees concert and I felt sad for the family. The Bee Gees had autographed a picture for Dr. Bray inscribed with "We did it!", I gave it to him after Kaillan was born. On Wednesday, I was plowing away at work when my phone rang and it showed Dr. Bray. Gulp. I figured it was Julie, what was up? I picked up the phone to Dr. Bray's big booming voice, "Are you in mourning?". We talked for a long time, twelve minutes in fact about several things, one of which being that I'd forgotten my appointment earlier that day. I had no idea, I was so sure it was the next day. This time round, I'm completely out to lunch, imaging ME forgetting a BRAY appointment? Or worse, he'd sent me for blood tests a month before and I hadn't gone yet? Eventually I got scheduled in for Friday, but in case you missed it, my most favoritest doctor, an incredibly busy one at that, took twelve minutes out of his day for me. Sigh.
Now over the holidays, I had more violently ill moments that I can or would even care to count. The anti-nausea medication simply took the sting out of it. Because I never really knew what would stay down, I ate and ate and ate. I knew I gained back the weight I'd lost and picked a number from out of a hat. When people would complain about gaining weight over the holidays, I'd say me too, I gained eight pounds. Though I knew I was of course exaggerating.
I got to Dr. Bray's appointment and took off my coat. Hmmm, maybe I should've taken off my boots too. The scale said I gained ten pounds and I have to be very honest, THAT for some reason, at that particular moment in my day or my life even, shocked me. Ten pounds? In a month? Every single person in my life asks where, or they'll say I'm pregnant, I'm supposed to gain weight and for the record, I've never taken pregnancy weight gain seriously because I easily shake it all off. But two girls at work and I walk up the stairs every day for exercise and I'm huffing more than I ever did when I was a year younger and a few days there, my knees creaked even. I have friends who would gladly shoot me between the eyes for discussing age but bare with me, because I'll have to go there just as soon as I've wrapped up the rest of my Bray appointment.
To the pYjama party girls, I asked him about Chicago and it went something like this...
"My blood pressure is...?"
"why do you need to know?"
"Because I can read upside down whatever you write on the paper anyway, if you tell me, I won't screw up".
"140/80".
"That's great! (I say with possibly overdone exuberance), If I do so well in the next couple months, can I go to Chicago?"
"Why do you want to go to Chicago?", as he opened the examination room door.
"Because my whole life I wanted to see Oprah".
"Then I have to say no"
"Why?"
"Because I don't think anyone should go see Oprah", as he walked out of the room and into his office.
I scampered to grab everything I owned and chased him out, "what if I said I was going there to eat the world's best pizza?".
He said he'd tell me not to go to Chicago then.
I'm assuming it's because it's too early to say, and he knows I have the streak that'll do whatever I want to do anyway. The rest of our question and answer period went no differently.
A couple days later I turned thirty. Now the number part of turning thirty didn't bother me so much as how all of a sudden, in a matter of days, I decided I physically got old. Creaking, gaining ten pounds, though I am by far, not obsessed, it made me think thoughtfully about how I should really be more careful from here on in. Though I've be no means gone to pot, I realized I don't want to wait till I get there to start taking better care of myself. I recruited Remo, who had also managed to toss on another ten pounds, and insisted we have to start being careful. Yah, yah sure, he agreed to be more careful but I can see where he and his sweet tooth or mouthful of sweet ones will need the loving bejeebers scared out of him. Me and my new change our life buzz won't cut it. We can't eat dessert after every ten course meal anymore.
Overnight on the weekend, Brandan mentioned his stomach wasn't feeling well. At one o'clock in the morning, he started heaving. And heaving. And heaving. We were out of the Pedialyte pops (ALL PARENTS OUT THERE, RUN AND STOCK UP SO YOU ALWAYS HAVE THEM ON HAND), so I tried to get him to knock back a sip or two of the plain Pedialyte. He looked at me like I was trying to make him drink gasoline. Suffice it to say, on the Sunday, when we'd scheduled a bowling date with friends, we stuck around home. The stomach flu is running ramped in these parts, Brandan actually bounced back remarkably fast.
My birthday landed smack at the beginning of one wild week. My new boss was away for a month and coming back for four days before officially retiring. I had two days before his farewell party for 150 people and I was pretty exclusively in charge of arrangements. Selfish me was terrified I'd land the flu smack on party day when I had umpteen party platters to pick up, over half the living world. Plus I had work up to here to finalize with him before he left for good. I knew I owed so many people e-mails or posts and I wouldn't even look. Sorry! This also happened to be the week Andree went away so Remo got to stay home and babysit. There was a point where I worried it would be like a sentence, after all he's a guys guy, but I can't believe how amazing it went. Brandan could've gone to Annabelle's, it would have freed Remo up a little, but he wanted them all together. So what that they ate crappy food all week and he'd let Kaillan wear Brandan's snow suit for three hours straight because she wanted it on, they had a blast!
I woke up 30 and felt the same. Brandan came in the room to ask if I would mind staying up in my room all day because he had things to do. I suggested maybe I should go to work, given I had a lot to do there and I was even dressed for it. Fine. Remo said I walked out the door that morning and he had plans out the kazoos. He was throwing me a party and he'd thought it to death. My aunt went over and Brandan had instructions for each of them, balloons, a happy birthday to you banner, presents, a cake, hats, they had to make signs and cards. They needed cheezies (my son the opportunist). I hardly spoke to them all day, they were running around all over the place with all these secrets.
At work I came in to presents and cards on my desk, a coworker bought me beautiful flowers, another chocolates. There were birthday e-mails all over the place, two girlfriends from back home called, another from Ottawa, one from Belgium even and my boss called from the airport in Seattle to wish me a happy birthday. In the morning, one of the girls in the section organized a coffee/cake break party where one of my close friends spilled my pregnancy news. I was a little apprehensive given that I'm always pregnant, but they were all cool about it. At lunch, a little gang of my most favourite people took me out and I was really touched. My old boss was there, gave me two nice bottles of wine and another guy I used to work with, charmingly adorable, crazy Herman, who is now retired, came all the way down too. I smiled all day long.
When I walked in the front door with Kaillan, Brandan leapt out at me oozing energy. He was absolutely wired. He gave Kaillan a one-two on how she had to be good so she wouldn't spoil my day, then he asked me to close my eyes and follow him. They had put a balloon on every cupboard door, on every picture, there was a pile of presents and when they all started literally jumping up and down singing happy birthday, I thought Brandan would explode. So excited was he by all this party and all this excitement, he was literally floating on air. Everyone had a hat, except me in a crown, and supper was very good though I felt like I'd just eaten the last one five minutes before. My aunt and grandmother were there and Kaillan was all over the place which was making Brandan crazy. When way later that night he crashed, Remo carried him up to bed and he asked in his sleepy stupor to be carried back to me "Mommy, was it your best birthday party ever?". When I told him I never imagined it could be so wonderful he grinned an incredible grin. More sighs. Now I missed Joe Millionaire because the phone rang off the hook but it looked like he picked most of the ones I liked. I know Sarah is not his type at all but she reminds me of one of my girlfriends so I have to like her best.
The week was busier than I figured it would be and sometime after midnight Thursday, I heard Kaillan start heaving. Her sick, broke my heart because she never said a word, never cried. We changed her sheets three times and while I sponged bathed the yuck off her, she'd simply sit there with her eyes glazed over and shiver. Finally I opted to just wrap her in a towel and rock her, so when I could hear her start to hurl, I could catch it with the towel, send it off with Remo, and wrap her up again. After three hours she was completely empty and exhausted. I tried to get her to sip water even, but she'd shake her head no. Only once, she said one word: DeeDee. My aunt, she missed my aunt. Rocking, rocking this little thing in the dark room I was surprised by how she reacted, strong, silent. I know it sounds silly, when we're talking about a stomach flu, but it amazed me how she handled it, given that this bug is particularly nasty and she had no idea what was wrong with her. I kept touching her belly and saying boo-boo so she'd know I understood, and she'd nod a single nod.
Late Saturday afternoon, Brandan had my girlfriend's daughter's birthday party and didn't want to leave. They had it at the community centre with an hour in the gym followed by hot dogs and chippies and cupcakes plastered with sparkles and Brandan thought they knew how to throw a party! We were meeting friends for dinner so we had to get home and on the way there, we told Brandan we had to go out. Obviously he wanted to come, Remo told him they were serving liver at the restaurant. How, Remo, would he have any idea what was wrong with liver? Brandan said he would just order something different, I told him it was just for grownups. He wanted to know who but I couldn't tell him or for sure he'd want in, so I said we were meeting friends. Brandan was totally shocked, "you mean you have friends??".
The restaurant is really one of my favorite places, Italian, it's very pretty and the food is always amazing. We walked in to a "SURPRISE!!!!" from this big long never ending table of my closest friends. I was touched and honoured, especially that everyone came, even our friends from Ottawa who are always travelling. It was an incredible evening. The food was better than ever, they gave me some beautiful gifts though I cherished more those cards and how many times did I sit back and look at them all talking, laughing, sharing and wonder how lucky am I? Did I know about the surprise? Remo only told me the night before but something about his gift certificate story didn't ring true so I got a little suspicious, but then when I hinted something might be up and he said "oh yah, we're planning a big party, won't you feel like a goof when nobody's there and I tell them", which sorta made me feel foolish. Claudia and Terry, for organizing such an awesome evening? I thank you from the bottom of my bigger than ever heart.
Which brings me again to thirty being wonderful. And leads me back to the best part; my family. More on them...
Only two funny Brandan stories I can remember are sport related. Remo plays hockey with his oldest brother and at the game, Vince suggested they take the kids to the next free skate at the arena. When Remo was telling me, Brandan in the back seat and never one to be left out, piped in with a "I KNOW what free skate is!" So I asked him to explain. It's when we all skate together and they're playing music and all of a sudden they stop the music and you all have to freeze. That's free skate.
In another one of his listening in conversations, Remo and I were talking about my golf lessons when he asked me if they'd taught me to say FORE yet. I laughed, nope and Brandan tore into the conversation with an "I know, I know!". He said it's when you're golfing and you hit the ball and you say fore (he whispered it) then the ball hits someone in the head. Then you hit the ball again and say fore but no words come out. Then you take a candy out and put it in your mouth and YELL FORE (how many TV commercials does this kid watch?), that's what fore is all about!
Anything clever is my side.
Now Kaillan is as bossy as ever. And we've been experiencing temper tantrums of run for your life proportions. She's completely freaked out about having a bath and I swear it's Remo's fault because he's never been particularly careful about water in the eyes. She wants everything Brandan has NOW and he's very good about giving it to her because we'd ask him to so she'd stop crying. I only realized the other day how often I go with that knee jerk reaction and it's not right at all. In fact, I'm sure that's why she's worse than ever. There were a few days there when she was falling apart so much, Remo suggested we get all her little friends together and organize a little get-happy-Kaillan intervention. Kaillan's hair is finally coming in and I think she'll be dark like Brandan. Now I'm light brown-blond with grey-blue eyes and I think Remo's father really wanted us to have a blond child because he calls Kaillan blondie and asks me all the time if she's going to keep those blue eyes. I could squint, use one eye and look through saran wrap and there is nothing about her eyes that's remotely blue. It's funny what people choose to see.
What else, what else. I was going to do a grown up fondue for Valentines but with everyone saying yes all the time, I figure it's too hard with a group. So I'm thinking of doing a Mexicali Allie's night. I'll serve a chile (I have a recipe that kids can eat even), and I'll do tacos and fajitas and most important, margarita's and daiquiris with umbrellas in them. I'm just trying to figure out how to choreograph my kids in it, because when it's at my house and the kids aren't invited, where do I put them?
I watched part one or two of Meet the Parents last week and have to say it's really pretty twisted. If I was the mother and all those trollups were after my son I'd toss them out on their ear. That one is a bunch of horse manure and I was a huge Mole fan but the new celebrity one is for the birds. I'm just worried they'll screw up the following for the real one. I missed day two of American Idol because something went wrong with the VCR but I can see where I'll be sucked right into that one too. I still swear Trista will pick Charlie which reminds me of my dream.
When I'm pregnant, I have some pretty wild and weird dreams. Last week sometime I dreamt that I met THE man of my dreams, he was incredibly attractive and I knew him from somewhere but I never did figure out who he was. I remembered very distinctly his hair on the back of his head, because speaking of trollups, I kept running my hands through it. Anyway the catch with this dreamboat was he wasn't Indian, but he owned an Indian food restaurant and though one of my closest friends is Indian and swears she can convert me, I just don't do well with Indian spices. I'm an exclusive black pepper kind of gal. The restaurant was very successful, with celebrities coming from all over the place to eat there, I remember the inside was all royal blue and purple and I kept trying to convince myself it didn't mean I'd have to eat that food for the rest of my life. Though he seemed very committed to the place. Kaillan woke me up because she'd kicked all her blankets off, it brought a little reality back to me. Wait a minute, where was Remo? Now there's no doubt I was half asleep and mostly out of it, but I must of layed there for an hour trying to make sense of everything. I knew Remo and I would NEVER divorce so what happened to him? How fickle am I, I decided he must have died, yah, that's it, he must have died. Then I was working out my two, wait a minute, by the time he died, I must have had three kids, trying to sort out how they fit in with this new life, so I could fall back asleep and finish off my dream with some sense. Sense. Me? That makes me laugh out loud. Anyway, on Wednesday, I saw the back of Charlie's head and knew the man of my dreams had the same back of his head. Though to be quite honest, on the show, this last episode and him going on and on about what this and that cost, I liked him a smidgen less. For some reason I rooted more for Greg with the eyes more. I would have liked to see one of them run off in the sunset with Shannon. What I wouldn't give to have her hair. I'm a day short of 15 weeks, TV these days makesa pregnancy go by very fast.
Now I scrapped shopping to get out an entry. I have a couple minutes to hit the board but my fairness bone knows I can't get to everyone so I'll hit it tomorrow. Till then be happy and stay safe.
Allisun
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