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March 13, 2004

Where do I begin? Should I say I'm sorry? Should I say I suck? Should I say that life gets in the way? Should I even begin at all or just give up on ever trying to keep up with entries? I guess the answer would be a resounding YES to all of the above. I should preface this all with saying that I am typing directly into this little box and can only hope and pray that I only have to do this once lol!

If anyone who has ever read my diary is still around, I am truly sorry that it's been so long. I have thought seriously about closing my diary. My life has been total chaos, some good and some not-so-good. And I was also thinking that after being a part of iparenting for almost 5 years, that my time was done. Alaina is 7 1/2 years old. Any chance of having another baby is totally out of reach. I really do think that part of me has "outgrown" this site. Alaina isn't a small child anymore. She is so grown up now it brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it. Where has the time gone? What happened to that sweet baby that I held in my arms and nursed? I remember it like it was yesterday, holding her while she nursed and resting my cheek on her warm head and just breathing. Breathing. There is nothing in this world like the warmth of a baby and breathing in that baby smell. So sweet and precious. And I do have to admit that I pretty much stick to the Moms site. It's painful going to the pg and precon sites, as well as the baby site. I have such good friends on these sites that I keep up with and always will. I do have to mention here that two of the most wonderful women I have ever met have been blessed with beautiful baby boys this month. Jen H gave birth earlier this month to a little angel named Andrew. The pics she sent showed a glowing, deliriously happy new mommy! Congratulations from the bottom of my heart! And Amy F gave birth after a marathon labor and delivery on Monday morning. Her strength is so incredible to me. Amy, you are such an amazing woman! I have to say that what you went through this week has been absolutely heroic. Peter is a beautiful baby! I am so glad that his struggles were only temporary and he is going to be perfect and running you ragged before you know it! Congratulations to you from the bottom of my heart. Amy and Jen, I send love and hugs to you both and big hearty CONGRATULATIONS! I am looking forward to keeping track of these perfect little boys and watching them grow!

I am still struggling as to whether I will keep my diary open. I don't feel that I do it justice. But I will at least give this update so you all know what is happening in our household. First of all, Alaina's arm healed perfectly, thank God! Then came Thanksgiving at my house. I have to say it was the best meal I have ever cooked and I am a great cook, if I do say so myself lol! I had a full house and everyone had a great time. Two weeks later, my Mom's boyfriend (I hate calling him that when he is in his 60's!) had a triple bypass. I felt guilty for feeding him all that food at Thanksgiving! I can laugh about it now, but boy how awful it would have been if it had been worse. They have been together since a month before Alaina was born and is a very important part of our family. The week before Christmas Alaina got sick with the flu. Then at 2am Christmas Eve morning, I got sick with it. Now picture this: Christmas Day was supposed to be 15 people at my house for a dinner of prime rib, crab cakes, shrimp, etc. I spent $300 on food! And I had to CANCEL!!!! I put everything in the freezer and boy have we eaten well lately lol! But it was pure misery. Christmas was awful. OH! I forgot to mention that the week after Thanksgiving Bill was notified that his job no longer existed and he would now have to work shiftwork. There is nothing wrong with shift work except that he didn't work so hard to get his paper science degree to work shifts. They suck!! So while I was sick at Christmas, he had to work a double shift on Christmas Eve, and we only saw him for 4 hours on Christmas Day. I can honestly say that this past Christmas was the worst ever. In January, I made the decision to really start working my home business. With the way Bill is working, we are no longer a family. Alaina and I miss him terribly. It would be different if he was a jerk or a terrible husband and father. But he's not. He's wonderful and after 15 years of being together (almost 13 married) I still like the guy lol! So I am working very hard with the goal that by the end of the year I will be able to replace his income and he can quit. I can honestly say that it will happen and it totally blows my mind. And he has been amazing when he is home. I work long hours, so he has been cooking and cleaning when his shift permits. He gives Alaina a bath, or rather washes her hair and dries it while she does the rest. He does all this to support me in my job. Amazing!

Besides all that, there really is nothing happening in my life lol! Besides getting the flu, we have all been healthy all winter with no colds or anything. We are still working on our house a little at a time. Nothing major, just some painting, etc. Our parents are all healthy. My Mom did have another surgery. Not as bad as her brain surgery in Nov. of 2001. She had a tumor on her thyroid this time. They removed it and she was home the next day. I decided to not be a Girl Scout leader anymore and just be a Co-Leader. That means I am still involved with the girls, but don't have to spend hours planning everything. We sold a bunch of cookies and as a reward to the girls, we are all going ice skating Saturday afternoon. I have always wanted to learn to skate since I was a little girl and watched Dorothy Hamill in the Olympics back in the 70's. I know I am dating myself, but oh well! Even though I have always wanted to learn, I am still scared to get out there and do it! I am totally prepared to be everyone's entertainment as I bust my butt on the ice repeatedly. I dread driving to Columbus though. There is a sniper shooting at cars on the highways from overpasses. It briefly made national news when a lady was killed back in November. But it's been going on still. He has shot 24 vehicles, 1 school, and 1 house. So I am not thrilled to be driving there. Bill has to work so it will just be me and Alaina and the rest of the Girl Scout families. It will be a fun Girl's day out!

I guess that's about it. I am sorry that I haven't been around. I have been reading everyone's entries and keeping up but just haven't posted. Don't be surprised if my diary moves to the completed section. I really don't know if I will continue. In fact, I had asked Tanya to close it. For whatever reason, she didn't, so I decided to post. I really couldn't bear the thought of closing my diary without a final goodbye. Just in case this is it, I want to tell everyone how much these sites have meant to me. I have met some spectacular ladies here. Friends I will have forever. Last year, I met Amy F, Allisun, and Jen in Montreal; Katrina in Texas when I was there for my cousin's wedding; Laura K, Katie (form Babies Today), Linda from pg today who is now pg with twins! Yay!!!, and Jodi who reads our diaries; then in November I met Jeanette, Amy F and Jen H again, Tanya, Sherry (from pg today), Rebekah, Tara (from breastfeed diaries), and Kathy with her adorable daughter Taryn who was just perfect the entire weekend! in Chicago. It was the most fantabulous time! It was a perfect Girls weekend! If I do close my diary, I want you all to know how much you have meant to me. Last year, with having cancer, the trips I made to meet all of you were a wonderful blessing. There are many more of you who I have posted to who I appreciate the friendship you have given me. You all know who you are. This is an amazing place to meet awesome ladies. It has really enriched my life.

Now, please God!, let this post! I don't think I can write all of this again!

Blessings to you all!
Alicia and family
www.momswin.com/aliciag