Bonnie's Diary Entries Diary Navigation: Choose A Diary Entry -------------------- Latest Entry: 5/19/07 -------------------- 4/18/07 2/27/07 1/18/07 12/21/06 12/2/06 11/11/06 10/13/06 9/24/06 9/14/06 9/4/06 8/23/06 8/17/06 8/3/06 7/28/06 7/24/06 7/21/06 7/11/06 6/29/06 6/26/06 6/25/06 6/24/06 6/21/06 6/15/06 6/13/06 -------------------- Bonnie's Introduction

Bad mommy, good mommy

September 4, 2006

I am now in the two week period between when Ella has finished at her old school and will be starting at her new school.  Although I am a tad anxious about her new schedule at her school (three hour days vs. seven-eight hour days at her previous school) and how I am going to fill the time, the idea of two weeks straight with both girls was enough to scare me down to the Cape, into the welcoming arms and home of mommy (my mommy that is).

But not before I had a rather disappointing (in myself) and somewhat sobering experience up in Boston.  One of my favorite children's singers is Steve of Stevesongs (stevesongs.com).  Not only is he a children's singer that I actually enjoy listening to his voice and his songs, but we went to college together and I have known and admired him since his 'early' days when he sang a capella.  Ella and I have been going to his shows since she was six months old.  We have all his CDs and I have loved watching him get bigger and bigger in the children's music circuit over the years.  If he is ever in your area I highly recommend you check him out. 

Anyhoo...  I was very excited to read in his on line newsletter that Steve recently was signed with a national recording label and would be re-releasing his last CD.  More exciting, he was making a video to coincide with the rerelease and would be doing so in my home town.  A call was put out for children to be in the video.  Right up my alley in so many ways!!  I discussed the experience with Ella and she agreed that being in the video sounded like fun.  We went to park on the assigned day and had fun together watching the early taping going on.  However, when it came time for the children to do their part—singing, dancing, and playing musical instruments (Ella had her maracas) along to the songs—Ella decided she was 'shy' and didn't want to take part.  I told her this wasn't a time where she could be shy if she wanted to be in the video. Eventually she seemed to reluctantly be ready to go join the children but I could tell her heart wasn't in it and she wouldn't be able to muster up the kind of enthusiasm and joyful expressions they were looking for in this shoot.  After more watching and thinking about things, we ended up leaving.

The experience was disappointing to me in a couple ways.  First of all, I have to admit I really would have liked to have Ella in the video.  As I mentioned, I have followed and admired Steve for years and thought this was a really fun, unique opportunity.  That it was in our town (at one of Ella's favorite playgrounds, nonetheless) and music that she knew so well I figured would make the experience that much easier for her.  So, yes, I was frustrated and disappointed when at the last minute I felt she essentially chickened out.

Even more upsetting to me is my own post mortum analysis of my behavior.  I feel like such an evil stage mom for putting my kid in this uncomfortable situation and caring as much as I did about whether she was in the shoot or not.  How shallow!   How self centered!   Obviously I never went as far as forcing her to do it or shaming her about the experience but there was certainly significant influence from me or else we never would have been at that park in the first place.  Just the fact that we did end up with such obvious failure (with all the other children rushing to the stage and jumping around in glee while Ella sat watching, quiet and sad, curled on my lap) I felt could and should have been avoided if I had put aside my own desires earlier and really listened to Ella's cues.  Sigh... bad mommy!

Letterboxing anyone?

Well, enough dissecting my bad parenting skills...  Before child custodial services shows up let's talk about something Ella and I have done together that's actually been enjoyable to both of us.  Have you ever heard of letterboxing?  I certainly hadn't until someone on an e-mail list I subscribe to mentioned it and posted a link (Letterboxing.org).  Essentially, it's following clues set out by other letterboxers to find little 'treasure boxes' hidden in public locations.  I downloaded a number of them that were here on the Cape and Ella and I have been having a fun time going on hunts for the boxes.   We have discovered hiking paths on the Cape that I never knew about and enjoyed joining what feels like a 'secret group'.  What a rush it is to set off on these mini treasure hunts and work together to follow the clues and end up finding these hidden boxes.  Not only is it fun to collect our stamps (the 'treasure') but we have discovered parts of the Cape I never knew of, gone on some great hikes together, and filled a number of long, empty days with a really fun past time.  This time mommy got something right!!

Lore

Finally, how is the little one doing?  Oh, she is wonderful to me, but she is a sad one.  She is still doing a lot of sleeping, which is probably a good thing since when she is awake we rarely have periods of more then fifteen minutes or so when she is not fussing (excluding eating, which she loves and does quite well).  I can't remember if Ella fussed this much early on and it seems as though the last few days things have gotten a tad better but jeesh, the poor kid!  Poor me too, of course.  I love her so and hold her so close to my heart it is nearly physical but I sure do wish she was happier with this world. Hopefully time will continue to make things easier on both of us.  I also think she is having some sort of reaction to something in her environment as she often has blotchy red rashes break out on her face and chest.  I have no idea what is causing it or if it hurts her but it ain't cute, I'll tell you that much.  Nevertheless, she is still my shining pure love girl that I could and will hold and coo at as long as possible and continue to thank God for every day and every night. 

With that sappiness, I will leave you...

Thanks for reading,

Bonnie