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Seven and a half months pregnant...
June 13, 2006
Seven and a half months pregnant... wow. It still is mind blowing to me that I have reached this point in my life and in my pregnancy. It has been a long journey for me yet I still cannot believe that that I am so close to being a mother of two.
This pregnancy started about eight months after I had suffered a miscarriage with another very much wanted baby. Although the mc was early, only a couple months along, I had a very hard time dealing with it. Looking back on that time, I was probably dealing with a mild form of depression, but it is hard to have perspective when you are in the midst of such troubling situations. I read a lot of infertility blogs out there and realize that, for many, eight months is not very long to conceive but it was to us. The TTC process in general is a slow, thankless time, filled with two week waits all over the place, with brief flurries of activity, and monthly disappointments. Furthermore, when we finally did get that blessed positive Jamie and I were so burned by our last experience, followed by the many failed cycles, that it took us quite a while to be able to feel hopeful, and even longer to actually feel excited about the pregnancy. We waited the full 12 weeks before sharing our news with anyone, and even longer before openly talking about it with the world. It was a sad, scary time for us, made even more so when topped with a generous portion of guilt since I knew I should be celebrating and loving this child instead of being afraid to even acknowledge her existence. In addition, as is typical, the first trimester was tough for me physically, filled with boughts of morning sickness and of course periods of extreme fatigue. It wasn't fun.
But the weeks went by and as I was able to tick more and more items off our list of milestones—passing eight weeks (when we had the first mc), seeing the heartbeat, hearing the heartbeat, first trimester over, quickening—gradually our acceptance and enthusiasm about this baby began to grow. When we were able to find out the gender at our 18 week ultrasound I was ecstatic and only then began to really envision a future as a family of four. Regarding gender we were in a wonderful position that we really would have been thrilled with either sex. A boy would have been neat and would have evened things out but we have loved raising our little girl so much and that we were ecstatic to be able to know that we were going to be able to go down a similar path again. I also am very happy for Ella to be able to have a sister and hopefully forge a bond that will be special to her always. For her, I think we were even more excited to know we were having a girl. Plus, it made it easier planning for the future knowing we have saved nearly everything from her infanthood.
Anyway, moving right along. As I also know is typical in second pregnancies, and which was confounded, I believe, by our near-denial of baby anticipation for the first 3-4 months, I now find myself just blown away by how quickly things have progressed. Overnight, it seemed, I was out of my wardrobe and into maternity clothes. Before I knew it those tender flutters in my belly had progressed to full on kicks, rolls, pokes and all forms of aerobatics (seriously this is one roly kid. I can't figure out what she is doing in there most of the time). And now here I am, with barely six weeks to go. OMG!!!!
In most senses, I do feel that we will be ready and just can't wait to meet my second daughter and start our lives as a family of four. We switched over our guest room to a baby's room, dusting and polishing off all Ella's old stuff so it looks as cute as ever. I am also very hopeful that the whole 'mellow second baby' phenomenon will be the case here, although Ella was so mellow to begin with that if we have a second even more mellow we may forget she's in the room!! (kidding people, kidding....) I am also determined to be a more mellow mother myself, knowing now that it is much harder to 'break' a baby then I thought and that, with a little patience and common sense I can get through most things. To that end, I have been very resistant to buying very many additional gadgets and what nots, as I know how little is really essential to caring for a new born and how carried away one can get filling her home with all sorts of clutter. Finally, I am also crossing my fingers that Ella will be able to help out and make things a bit easier then the first time. She is very maternal and loves to be my little helper so I am really hoping that she will be my most faithful and trustworthy diaper fetcher, binky replacer, and sister entertainer. We've even had a few sessions of playing 'diaper the doll'. Just so, you know, she would know what to do if she ever took a hankering for it (she's considering the idea but told me under no circumstances would she change a poopy diaper. Smart girl, I have!) Time will tell...
And then, of course, there is the part of me that is scared to death about the whole prospect of a newborn in the house. As mellow as Ella was as an infant, I still remember the sleepless nights, the complete inability to do ANYTHING without molding your time and life around the restrictions and responsibilities of an infant. It has been a long time since we have changed diapers around here, and the thought of taking such a huge step backwards is daunting. Of course our lives still all work together and Ella takes up a lot of time but it is so wonderful to be able to talk with her and know what is on her mind, to reason and be reasoned with, to make a request and have her independently go take care of her needs. It seems positively luxurious when compared to the work involved with baby care. Not to mention how comfortable we have grown, the three of us, with our routines, expectations, and independent interests. Everything—EVERYTHING—is going to change, and that is very intimidating to me.
But change we will, and I'm sure in time it will all fit together one way or another. It will have to, I guess, right!?!? Time will tell...
Thanks for reading,
Bonnie
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