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My Fertility Quest and Health Questions....
May 1, 2007
Life has been such a whirlwind lately. My health always seems to be the center focus of my writings. It seems like I'm ill in one sense or another frequently. I can assess from the outside and say, I am not Happy. I do not do things that are fun. I've spent the last several years caught up in the grind. Eat, Sleep, Work, School, Child, fall apart on the weekends, then pick up that vicious cycle again. See, i have a problem with being still. I don't like to sit still, I don't like to be quite, it makes me worried. My mind doesn't become slient nor does the impluse to speak quite me. I'm a talker and this has created a life time of challenges, mostly impluse control.
Lately, I've been able to reflect and allow the mind to run wild. I've been trying to work things out and seek help working things out. I had visited with my mental health dr and was given a change in prescription medicine, however, I haven't had a chance to get it filled. I became so painfilled week which lasted into last week. I had my surgery last week and have been some what in a haze with the medicines. I had good pain comfort and I've had some issues with pain since the surgery. I feel sad and upset because I know in my heart, this endometriosis is going to come back and I will have to deal with this again. I have discussed with my husband that I will most likely have to have more surgeries for this endometriosis. I know it grows back, I know that if I am in the pain I was in before surgery I will do surgery again in a minute. However, I do realize I'm 33 for a few more days. I do realize that frequent surgeries are not healthy for my body, I do realize that I will make a decision to have a hystorectomy if it is offered. I cannot realize nor come to grips with the idea of living in this type of pain. I have a great doctor and he won't take away my right to chose, unless my life is on the line.
So, I told husband after the surgery, that we should consider having another child. I will be 34/35ish if we chose to do it. I really think that's pushing it age wise, because I don't want to be an older parent. This is heart felt because there were so many up's and down's growing up with a mom in her 40's when she delivered me. I also know that a 7-8 year age gap between kids isn't ideal either, however, my sister and I are 12 years apart and my closest brother and I are 6 years apart. I don't think my daughter will have a normal sibling relationship, but she knows what love is and we have more love to share. The selfish part is, asking myself do I want to give of myself again to have a baby? I am very grateful we got pregnant with princess within 6 months of getting married and wanting a baby. We also, celebrated our 1 year wedding anniversary being 7 months pregnant. I had some pregnancy issues like prenatal depression, preeclampsia, 8 weeks of bed rest, an emergency c-section, then returning to work 8 weeks later. What has changed now, firstly, I have benefits at work and could afford to take off more time. I have accumulated disability time and would have a chance at 100% salary for several weeks. I would predict that I will have the same pregnancy issues, especially with my dr whose as cautious and textbook as realistically possible. I know the trend was VBAC and honestly I"m glad to see C-Sections back in the lime light. I do not want nothing to do with a VBAC. I want a straight C-Section and when I delivered princess the dr at the time (a female) told me I could have a vbac after princess and that she'd insist upon it. She is no longer my dr. When I met my current dr in 2002 we discussed the c-section thing and he said if he was delivering my baby it would be a straight scheduled c-section. I was in love. My doc became my doc because i kept having pelvic pain and going back and forth. I left the dr group that delivered princess because they sorta broke up and my doc's license got suspended. Now, before you go judging me, my doc could have did something wrong or something could have been amiss. There are two sides to every story and this one is onesided. Anyways, I decided to try a medical group near my smalltown. I went to this group that the daycare teachers recommended. It was like a welfare mill. The dr's office was crowded, overfilled, waiting times were extensive, and the doctors were coming and going. I saw two doc's who were female before I saw my male dr. I instantly liked him because he cared. He was concerned that I was having cyts and pain and he was going to help me figure it out. After that point, I would only see him. I'd wait until he was on call.
I remember one hot night in august, I got my period and got sicker and sicker. I got so sick I went to the er. The Er doc refused to treat me because I drove myself. I had an 18 month old baby at the time, what good would it have done to have them at the hosp with me. It seemed stupid, so lesson learned, don't go to the hosp alone. So, I left the er and came home, in tears.
I called my dr's office, he got me right in. Actually, he saw me ahead of the other patients.
He sent me back to the er, ran tons of tests and he determined that I should have an appendecotmy. I thought he was briliant. The only catch was I had Cigna Health Insurance, they had preapproved my pelvic surgery and wouldn't approve an appendectomy. He went as far as to set up another surgeon to be present in my pelvic surgery. The catch as the appendectomy wasn't preapproved. I still had the surgery. I felt that my dr cared for me and it showed when he put me ahead of all the others who were waiting.
I then remember having a problem after my mom died, while the nurse midwife was within her realm, she made me angry. I had a love hate relationship with birthcontrol pills, I was willing to take them, but I refused to pay for them. I felt if the dr wanted me to take them, then they should give them to me. I don't think my insurance paid for birthcontrol pills but it covered viagra. What a farce. So, I remember crying to the dr that I hated the midwife and he told me I never have to see her again. After that period of time, I learned that my doc left the group. They lost their medicaid funding and they drastically reduced their staffing and I didn't go back. For a while after I lost my mom, I stopped going to the doctor completely.
Here's the thing, my dr told me he didn't think that my mom had an estrogen breast cancer.
His theory was that she didn't have estrogen in her body and she coudln't have had an estrogen breast cancer at 70. My mom had a full hystorectomy in 1973, I beleive they took everything.
My dr beleived that she was too old and her hystoorecotmy was too old for her to have a breast cancer that was estrogen driven. He did say he beleived she had an aggresive cancer, but that the tumor originated somewhere else in the body. Now, he had never seen my mom, but after I thought about this, it made sense. She did not do any hormone theraphy after her hystorecotmy. So, I do beleive this theory. My sister is deadset that my doctor is wrong.
For a while, I just saw my PCP. She would treat me and when I developed the cysts she refered me to this medical practice I had tired in 1999 when I moved to NC. I didn't like the practice then and I didn't like it now. I went there and the doctor dismissed most of what was wrong and let me think I was stupid or a cry baby. I decided hell would freeze over before I'd go back there. I did find out at that appointment my doctor whom I loved was moving back into our area. He had left smalltown. This was in 2004 or 2005, I cannot remember. I went back to see him in 2006. He remembered me. We discussed my gastric bypass and how well I was doing. We discussed birthcontrol. I decided to get an IUD. My body immeaditly rejected the IUD. I went back and forth 3 times before he was finally able to dislodge the IUD. I had a terrible experience. I didn't go back because I wasn't going to use birthcontrol. I went back this Jan when they told me I had endometriosis. The surgery report didn't provide enough, but the doc recommended Lupron. I was reluctant, very reluctant. I got the shot Feb 6th. I regretted it the minute the needle touched my skin. I was doubled over in pain and called the dr's. They told me it takes two weeks before the luprons worse side effects take place. I called again Feb 19th and told him I couldn't stand the pain. It hurt too much. He gave me some pain pills.
Two days worth. Then I was back again a week later. He gave me 2 more days worth of pain pills. I insisted on an ultrasound because the pain was so bad. He did the ultrasound, however, everything looked good. It all looked shadowy to me. He was upset with me that I refused to take a second lupron shot. We disagreed. I was pissed.
I called again for more pain med's he refused, I was pissed. He offered celebrex, anyone with gastric bypass knowledge know that is a NEVER, no more NASID's. I was very upset. They sent my file out for a pain specialist. They couldn't find a specialist that would take me. I didn't call them back.
Two weeks ago I got my period, it was the worse pain I had in my life. I called the office and told them I had lupron, I was in severe pain and I wanted Surgery. I was told the doc could see me at 4. I left work. I was determined that I needed more, my proof was that I took 5 vicoden within 9 hours and it didn't touch my pain. That was 2 days worth of med's in 1 day. This is perscribed by my doctor, but I was eating these pills up. I saw the dr at 5. I was kinda mad then too because I had been waiting way too long for them to see me. I saw the doctor he told me I was too young for a hystorecotmy and that he would have the office call me on monday with a surgery date and time. I wasn't expecting it to be the same week as the return call. The lady actually didn't call me, I watied all day and I finally called her. She told me thursday morning and that I needed my preop on Tuesday. I was still in an extensive amount of pain. I mentioned that it was pretty bad in the left side. This was new for me.
The morning of the surgery I was nervous. I didn't know what was going on. The surgery name is lysis of adhesions, this is almost identical to what was done in Jan, except this one is pelvic organs. They lasered and cut many adhesions out. Sadly, the doc said there were many he couldn't get because of where they were located in my pelvis. This kida scared me. I mean, I want to the right to chose if and when to have a baby, not have that right taken away. The doc assured me he wouldn't remove anything, however, i knew that there was a small chance I could lose my ovary or other organs. Luckily, I didn't have to have that decision made for me.
My husband had to sign off for my appendectomy in 2002 and he wasn't happy about it.
I know his heart would be sick if he knew that he was signing to get my ovary removed.
I don't know if I'll be so lucky next time. I do know I cannot swing the pain and trying to live in this pain. Pain steals my days, in hours and minutes. I never knew something so crippling could invade my life. It's like an unwanted guest. There are tons of treatments out there but they don't work. I"ve been forced to relive my life around my pain. I never knew pain until I turned 30. It started with back pain on and off and just took over my life. I will always associate my 30's with pain and loss. I've had bad depression and pain since i turned 30 and my mom died.
May is a pivotal month for me. My 3oth birthday fell on mother's day and the preist read my mother her last rights because they thought she was going to die on my 30th birthday. This will stay with me forever. When I was little my mother would guilt the shit out of me for being born and having my birthday on mothers day. She would be down right hateful, always calling us ungreatful and saying mean things to us. I have so many mixed feeling about her and these events. I know I haven't been able to move on from this. My former therapist told me that I'm a mother now and i have to learn how to celebrate this day with my family. I don't want to celebrate this, I just want to skip it, move forward and skip the day. I've always fought to seperate my birthday from the mother's day even when the days crossed.
Anyways, I just wanted to say that I'm greatful for my fertility, I don't know what I would have done if I had to have help. I was lucky enough to get pregnant within 6 months of trying and I had my prefered gender on the first try. I was very lucky and greatful. Now, I am in the process of trying, do I consider #2. There are many guilt riddled questions that come with this question. Life will be fine, just unstable. My husband still hasn't gotten any job interviews. It's quite discouraging.
JT
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