 | Diary Navigation:
|
Lifes Roller Coaster Ride...
April 21, 2007
Good thing I can blog. I go through spells where I write alot then despise writing. It's the same with my moody taurus personality and talking with other people. I have a new teammate whose male in our group. I couldn't ask for a nicer guy to sit next too. He's easy to talk to and can hold and intelligent conversation. He's been with the company for 20 plus years so he's been around the block. I'm in my 7th year with the company.
I am just realizing we have 9 short days until April escapes us. May is going to be busy either way this time around. Bev wrote that I"ve been through so much in a short time, well the coaster ride is continuing. I am having another surgery. This will be my third surgery in 4 months. I am not going to let Endo control or rule my life. I am too old for this shit. I've been dealing with periods since New Years eve when I was 13. I'm done. This is not going to dictate my life, control my moods, or force me to 'schedule' my life around the pain of Endo. So.
I'm deciding to have my 3rd surgery of 2007. I guess it's ok, I have great health insurance and will get paid during my recovery. The doc said 2-4 weeks out of work, possibly no sex for 4 weeks. My husband just about hit the floor when i said that. He'd have sex 3 times a day if humanly possible. I guess it's good I have a husband of 7 years while I'm falling apart down here.
So, husband was like, lets try for a baby. I really feel that this is our last 'rung' to have a baby.
I beleive that personally, I do not want children past 35. I feel like we'll be too old when were trying to raise said baby. My mom was 40 when she had me, and I know the crap about 40 being the new 30, but shit, 40 is 40. If my mom's age didn't affect me like it did, I wouldn't have such negativity towards having a baby up to 40, but it does. I do not want to pay for daycare again. Infant daycare can be upwards of $200 a week. I don't want to be 40 buying pampers, going to daycare and trying to get my stuff together. This means I'll have a preschooler, and school age child when I'm trying to achieve another relam of life. I know kids are invaluable and I shouldn't put an age cap on it, but darn it I am. I serious do not consider it being amazing or great to have a baby at 44 or 45. It comes down to this, my mom was plain OLD. When I entered school for my first day the kids moms were in their 20's and 30's and here's my old ass mom. Kids would ask, is she your grandma, talk about embarassing. My mom had six kids by the time she was 34. I have 1.
My mom knows that i despised our age gap. I spent from year 20 to year 30 caring for her.
At one point I was her care provider and responsible solely for her. This is a bunch of shit for all this to have fallen on me, but it did, because i was in college and my life didn't matter. I was the baby, the favorite, which is a scoop of crap too. So, my brother hauled ass and moved out and I was stuck, working, taking care of my mom, working, taking care of my mom and trying to squeeze out a degree from a demanding college in the mean time. This is one of the greatest reasons why I moved away. I needed to grow up and get away from the family. I was dumped on too much and take way advantage of. The best thing I did was move away. It wasn't hard, but emotionally it made me stronger. I had no one to run to and escape when then fiance and i had problems, no where. We were forced to deal with our problems and address them head on. I think this has made our marriage much stronger and allowed us to really respect one another.
So, back to the mommie thing. I really don't see myself with another baby. Yes, I might be holding myself back, but my 5 year plan was up 2 years ago. We see friends and family and they ask, are you having another? why not, etc. Last night my friend who has a 8 week old asked me, are you really sure you aren't going to try. Ok, let's get something straight I will not have flashing lights outside of my house saying I'm trying to concieve, it's not going to happen.
I do not want to concieve. I'm in pain every day. I want a hystorecotmy, but that's not a medical option at this point. The doc told me that yesterday. So, i'm expecting some sympathy from my friend because I'm having surgery and she wants to brow beat me over not wanting another kid. Come on. I just cannot do it. I think the most respectable thing is to not bring unwanted children into the world. I had a friend whose having her 4th or 5th baby, they were all accidents. Come on, this is BS. How do you have so many pregnancy accidents. It's like get a IUD or shut up. People just don't want to use birthcontrol.
SO, i have exactly 13 months until I'm 35 and the baby chute is closed up. I do'nt even think I can consider havign another one. Well, yes I can, but the age thing. My daughter is 6. We'd have 7 years between our kids. I don't want to go through the ear infection and daycare years.
They were very hard on me. I had a great boss and everything, but it tarnished my work image. I was seem as lazy, a slacker, abusing company benefits, because I had to and will continue to put my daughter first. I really dislike when people don't put their kids first.
Or treat them like pains in the butt. There are enough people in the world who feel unloved, lets not create more. I do not take my decisions to have kids lightly, I treat it with the same respect I treat my marriage. I will not discuss nor give up my sacred feelings for my marriage and parenthood. I have decided on 1 and i think that's the final number of kids I'm going to bare. I just don't get others and what people think. Sometimes I just don't care either.
My med's are kicking in... I'm going back to a pain induced endometriois pass out.
JT
Posted by Jen Taurus at 12:58 AM
|
want to keep a diary on iParenting?
Authoring a diary on the iParenting network allows you to chronicle your family's story, preserving it for years to come. It's also a great way to get the most out of the iParenting community. Click here to start...
|
The iParenting Media Awards program helps parents find the best products for their families. 
