Heather's Diary Entries Diary Navigation: Choose A Diary Entry -------------------- Latest Entry: 1/14/08 -------------------- 4/20/07 4/13/07 4/6/07 3/30/07 3/12/07 12/5/06 10/10/06 8/25/06 7/24/06, Entry 3 7/24/06, Entry 2 7/24/06, Entry 1 7/5/06 6/6/06, Entry 2 6/6/06, Entry 1 -------------------- Heather's Introduction

Countdown to Preschool - and my HSC

March 30, 2007

I am SO nervous about Aidan's first day of school on Monday – my stomach is in knots! 

Yesterday we went for our 2 ^nd visit and this time I left Aidan in the classroom while I handed in our paperwork and paid the first months' tuition.  I stayed in the room with him for a little while and then told him I'd be back in a few minutes, just like I told him I'd do.  He still completely freaked out and started crying and trying to get out the door.  I left him with Miss Morgan, one of his teachers, and walked out quickly.  As I waited to talk with the Assistant Director, I would look down the corridor and could see his little head peeking out the window in the door (it's pretty high, though, so all I could see were his eyes and the very top of his head).  It was just pitiful.  I asked the Assistant Director a few questions, including "Will someone call me if he's just not settling down at all after leave?" and the answer was yes.  When I went back to Aidan's classroom, he was standing by the door just sobbing, completely inconsolable.  His face was all blotchy and he was breathing hard from crying so much.  I tried to comfort him and hand out for a few minutes to observe the class with him, but he just kept crying, "I......just......want........to......go.......HOME!"  We walked out of the building with him still just bawling.  I tried to talk to him in the car about it but it only seemed to make him more upset.  He cried almost all the way home. 

I told Steve to get ready – I can go pick Aidan up on Monday and Tuesday if we get that call, but on Wednesday Steve may have to go.  I'm not looking forward to the transition – I suspect it's going to be long and very, very hard.  L  L  L  L

Afterwards, we went to the park and he was fine.  After we got home, I put on a movie for Aidan and started trolling the internet for some info that might help me help him.  In the process, I stumbled onto some really good info.  It appears that Aidan is a Highly Sensitive Child (HSC).  I've always known that he was a gentle soul, but taking the questionnaire to determine if he was HS really started to put the pieces of the puzzle together for me.  Some characteristics of HSCs:

-Startles easily.
-Learns better from a gentle correction than strong punishment.

-Notices the slightest unusual odor.

-Seems very intuitive.

-Doesn't do well with big changes.

-Notices the distress of others.

-Prefers quiet play.

-Asks deep, thought-provoking questions.

-Notices subtleties (something that's been moved, a change in a person's appearance, etc.)

-Considers if it is safe before climbing high.

-Performs best when strangers aren't present.

-Feels things deeply.

A HSC may not have ALL of these characteristics, but if at least 7 are true (or a few are EXTREMELY true) then your child is HS.  Aidan exhibits 9 of these on a regular basis.

So what does this mean?  Here's some info I found online (here's the link if you'd like to read the full article: http://www.mothering.com/articles/growing_child/child_health/highly-sensitive.html).  

Parenting A Highly Sensitive Child
By Terri Goodwell
Web Exclusive

We've all known sensitive, "shy" kids. These are the introverted ones who hang on the fringes of the group. They are the ones we often call "slow to warm up" because they look very carefully before accepting new people, places, or things. They are the children who avert their eyes when spoken to by a stranger and shrink away from being the center of attention. Because they typically act quiet, clingy or anxious in unfamiliar social settings, the general consensus is that these kids are fearful and lack confidence. Unfortunately, by thinking of them as socially inept or weak, we fail to understand all that may be underlying this introverted behavior and often don't appreciate the many positive attributes of having a sensitive, quiet nature.

MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCE
When my daughter Sophi was about three, she started being classified as "shy" and "slow to warm up" at her preschool and other classes. I was constantly hearing comments like "Your daughter is so shy!", "Does she talk at all at home?" and "She refuses to join the group".

I tried pushing Sophi to be more social. I tried forcing her to join the group of children at school, and I constantly reminded her to say hello and answer people back, but all to no avail. I somehow thought that if only I gave her the proper social training, and she tried hard enough, her shyness would be eliminated. I couldn't have been further from the truth.

Often when parents such as myself cannot get their child to change in order to fit in, they feel that something must either be wrong with their child or their parenting. It was this feeling, combined with my daughter's strong and lingering emotional reaction to the death of our family cat, which sent me searching for professional help. Concerned about the sudden behavioral changes in our daughter, my husband and I took her to a local child psychologist. After the therapist helped her through her grief, she told us she thought Sophi was a highly sensitive child.

Since we did not know exactly what this meant, she strongly urged us to educate ourselves about Dr. Elaine Aron's new research on shyness and sensitivity. This marked the beginning of my greater understanding of my daughter and her temperament.

"SHYNESS" REDEFINED
This research sheds new light on shyness, challenging many sensitivity our society's negative preconceptions about it. Rather than associating shyness with fearfulness, low self-esteem, or poor social skills, Elaine N. Aron, PhD., a clinical psychologist and psychotherapist, believes that shyness often results from an individual's inborn temperament of sensitivity. In her two books, The Highly Sensitive Person and The Highly Sensitive Child, Dr. Aron describes what we typically call shyness as "the expression of a sensitive individual's innate preference to pause and observe before proceeding." Dr Aron describes highly sensitive individuals as "those who are born with a tendency to notice more in their environment and deeply reflect on everything before acting, as compared to those who notice less and act quickly and impulsively." She believes that these sensitive individuals are more easily overwhelmed than the average person when confronted with large quantities of input arriving at once. When the sensitive individuals try to avoid this overload of information, by withdrawing or backing off, Dr Aron says, they seem to be shy or timid or 'party poopers'." When they cannot avoid the over-stimulation, they sometimes react negatively and seem to outsiders to be "easily upset" or "cry babies" or "too sensitive".

These highly sensitive individuals are born with a highly developed nervous system that is extremely good at registering subtle nuances in their environment. Because of this, it makes perfect sense that when they are in highly stimulating or unfamiliar social settings, they need to take more time to process all the extra bits of information flooding into them. For example, an average child, with an average nervous system, will walk into a room, notice the people in it and maybe the furniture, and begin to investigate and interact. On the other hand, highly sensitive children, with their finely tuned nervous systems, will walk into the same room and notice, not only the people and furniture, but the general mood in the room, the feelings of the individual people in it, and anything particularly unusual or noteworthy about the room. Because it will take longer for them to process all this information, they will understandably take longer to investigate or interact.

ADAPTING POSITIVE VIEWS OF SHYNESS AND SENSITIVITY
In our current society, "shyness" is viewed in more negative terms, but this was not always so, and is not the case everywhere in the world. Fifty years ago, when children were expected to be "seen and not heard", we regarded shyness as a positive trait. In fact, in other countries like Japan, China, and Sweden, being shy is still looked at in a positive way, with these introverted children being the most respected and popular. Today, however, in our success-driven society, we expect our children to be aggressive, ambitious, to "go for the gusto", "just do it", and "get what you can". Our culture's attitudes are especially hard on sensitive boys, who do not typify the macho "ideal" and are often teased for this.

Dr. Aron encourages us to view sensitivity and its resulting shyness, not as a defect or weakness, as society might suggest, but as a basic temperament that one is born with and that cannot be altered. According to Dr. Aron, fifteen to twenty percent of children are born highly sensitive. About seventy percent of these are introverted and the remaining are extraverted.

Research show that this inborn trait of sensitivity is found in all species of animals. The trait has survived so well over time because it has clear benefits to society and evolutionary advantages. Think of the "cautious" fish that outsmarts the fisherman because he doesn't readily swim into his trap, or the "sensitive" deer that hears the twig snap under the approaching hunter's foot and flees to safety. By thinking of sensitivity in these more positive ways, we can start to appreciate its many advantages.

VALUING THEIR TENDER SOULS
While having an exceptionally observant mind is a wonderful advantage to being highly sensitive, have a tender heart is in my opinion even more important. Being so sensitive to other's feelings, highly sensitive children are often remarkable for their thoughtfulness and empathy. They are unusually anguished by injustice, cruelty, or irresponsibility. My daughter is the only one I know who picks up rollie pollie beetles from off the sidewalk and puts them in the grass, so they are not accidentally stepped on. Lynn says of her son Pete, "he is so caring and kind, always thinking about what is happening with other people. When his big sister forgets to do a chore, he often does it for her just to be nice. He loves animals very much and once declared to me in tears, 'I can't eat animals, because to eat them, they'd have to be killed, and I don't want to kill them!" Vicki, mother of Emma, also describes this inherent kindness and generosity. "Emma is very un-materialistic and empathic. When her school had a

CONCLUSIONS
Like all types of children, highly sensitive children have their strengths and weaknesses. Unfortunately, sensitive children have a tougher time because of our society's negative attitudes toward them. They are often not understood or accepted by their family, friends, or teachers. Parents need to bridge the gap between their sensitive child and the outside world by providing a comfortable home environment that allows their child's social skills to develop naturally. This is important, because, as Dr. Aron's research shows, "it is primarily parenting that decides whether the expression of sensitivity will be an advantage or a source of anxiety." Teachers can also help by understanding their needs and accepting them for who they are, not try to fit them into the mold of the average child. When sensitive children are older, they will be able to adapt to the world, if, when they were younger, their world adapted to them.

As Dr. Aron is fond of saying, "to have an exceptional child, you have to be willing to have an exceptional child." And by the same token, "to be an exceptional parent, you have to be willing to be an exceptional parent." In other words, we often need to make exceptions, both for our highly sensitive children, and for our parenting of them, so that they can excel.

I personally feel blessed to be the mother of such an exceptional, highly sensitive child. With the knowledge I've attained, I intend to be an exceptional parent and bring my daughter up to be not only exceptional, but happy, healthy and well-adjusted.

The book started out by saying that people who are not HS will not understand a HS child and will make comments or offer advice such as, "He's just going to have to get over it" or "My child would eat whatever is put down in front of him".  For a non-sensitive child, that is all valid........but for a HS child this just doesn't work.  Reading that first chapter made me feel so much better – I've heard similar stuff and either argued, "You just don't understand – Aidan will NOT cope if we force the issue" or I've ignored it but wondered if something was "wrong" with him.  About 15-20% of all kids are HS, which is too large a number to say he's "abnormal".  He's just a minority temperament.

Aidan is lucky in that he is being raised by two HS parents.  Later in the book there's a quiz to determine HS in adults and the author says up front that those who are not HS will absolutely not relate to the questions asked, whereas HS people will immediately identify with the questions.  Steve and I both took it last night and we are both HS but in different ways.  I'm very empathetic to others, sometimes to a degree where I literally feel others' pain.  There are days I wish I could shut it off, quite frankly, and until now I just thought that I was a freak!  Who knew.  Physically, I've always been weird about having my feet covered when I sleep and I never go without wearing shoes.  I have food allergies (having sensitivities or allergies can be common for HS people, whose whole bodies seem to be more sensitive than others).  I avoid violence in movies and TV.  I am deeply, deeply moved by music and art.  I couldn't stand loud noise as a child (and am not fond of loud, sudden noise even today).  I startle easily (and always have).  I am a very cautious person – moreso physically than anything else – and have been since I was very young.  Steve on the other hand is overwhelmed easily by multiple inputs – he doesn't multi-task well and is very frustrated when he has to.  He is a perfectionist when he's shooting and editing video, in itself a creative pursuit.  We are both creative thinkers and we both beat ourselves up mercilessly when we make mistakes.  In the book, Dr. Aron says that if you want a competitor or a very ambitious person, you do not want a HS person........but if you want a guitar tuned, or creative party favor ideas or a winning chess strategy, the HS person is your greatest asset.  I saw so much of Steve and I both in that one statement! 

Aidan will be easy to raise in the sense that he will not need harsh punishments to learn.  I have known this since I was pregnant – definitely a mother's intuition at work!  One of the things I read last night that really stuck with me – if a HS child is isolated or love is withheld, it will absolutely crush them as opposed to a non-sensitive child who may learn from the experience.  It said that if a HSC goes into a rage or is in tears, they are saying "I can't take anymore" and should not be ignored.  As I read that, I realized that the punishment we've administered at times has been too harsh for him.  Apparently HSCs are "natural internalizers", meaning that they internalize the rules and consider them their own faster than non-sensitive children.  A study referenced in the book showed that HSCs obeyed the rules when left alone, with no chance of getting caught, more often than non-HSCs. 

It's all very interesting and I'm learning a lot about Aidan and about myself in the process.  It just explains SO much......and I feel very relieved to know how to better handle Aidan and to not feel like I have to administer a "one size fits all" way of raising him or to question if I'm not being hard enough on him.  Aidan may not grow up to be a cut-throat businessman or a pro football player, but that's OK.  Instead he might do something creative or he might fight some sort of injustice.  He might do something that helps the entire human race (like finding a cure for cancer or helping 3 ^rd world countries farm).  I'm not looking at this like it's a negative.  I'll do everything I can to help him thrive and be who he was born to be, not try to mold him into something he's not.

That said, it also leaves me wondering how in the world we're going to transition him into preschool.  I'm still studying and trying to work it out.  If anybody else out there has a HSC and has any advice, please please let me know! 

Here's wishing all of you and great weekend!

Heather and Aidan