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Kate's Diary Entries Diary Navigation: Choose A Diary Entry -------------------- Latest Entry: 6/7/07 -------------------- 4/30/07 4/18/07 4/9/07 4/2/07 3/27/07 3/13/07 1/30/07 1/15/07 12/10/06 11/20/06 11/10/06 10/30/06 10/12/06 10/5/06 9/22/06 9/15/06 9/8/06 8/29/06 8/17/06 8/10/06 8/4/06 7/28/06 7/21/06 7/16/06 7/6/06 6/27/06 6/21/06 6/16/06 6/13/06 6/8/06 -------------------- Kate's Introduction

The big reveal, cookie sheets as a metaphor and a sleeping bag delimma...

November 20, 2006

I will start this entry with the story of our Level II ultrasound, which took place last Friday.  The ultrasound took place at a highly regarded perinatologists office, but man or man it took forever.  Maybe this is a difference between a first and second pregnancy, but I actually found myself becoming a bit bored and uncomfortable when we were an hour into the ultrasound.  I had a level II done during my first pregnancy as well, due to spotting in my first trimester and I don't remember it taking so long as this one did...   I would like to pretend that I was zen and experienced and living up to my supposed indifference regarding finding out the sex of our little one.  And I was to a certain degree.  From the outset it appeared that our babe was going to conceal its bits.  When they first tried to get a look, legs were crossed.  Another run at it a bit later and the cord was between its legs.  Then the legs were too close together and so forth and so on.  About an hour into the ultrasound I started telling myself we were just going to be surprised when the baby was born, because it sure didn't look like we were going to find out.  And I was feeling kind of disappointed.

The technician asked me to get up, use the restroom to see if we could move the baby around a bit.  She wasn't able to visualize the heart as thoroughly as she wanted to because the baby was positioned right under my belly button and it was obscuring the picture.  After I returned, they did another quick 'bits check' and determined we are having another girl.  We are thrilled.  I am not sure if I've mentioned that my mother has been, literally, RELENTLESS about finding out the gender of our babe.  She talked to me about it all the time – probably every conversation we had she managed to work in how much she wanted to know the gender.  It was making me peevish, to say the least. So I had kind of been half threatening to just not find out to prove a point.  The point being...  That the gender of this baby didn't matter to me at all.

Once the technician said 'it's a girl' I felt so unbelievably grateful she had been able to find out for all kinds of reasons.  This is as honest I can be, so be gentle if you don't like what I have to say.  All along I've said the baby's gender didn't matter to me.  I have loved raising my daughter and would love to have another.  I know we are done having children after this one's born, so I would love to have the experience of raising a son.  Everyone around me kept talking about this baby being a boy.  John thought the baby was a boy, my mom, my grandma etc...  I have been having girl vibes from the start.  My reaction to the big reveal was different than I thought. 

I was a little bit relieved, because I am intimidated by the prospect of raising a son.  I think there is such a violent culture around men it is hard to think about how to raise a good man in the world. 

I was a little bit disappointed that I won't have the opportunity to raise a son.

I am a little bit glad because I love being a mom to my sweet girl and another just seems like more of a gift than I deserve.

I was a little bit worried about Ava, wondering if she would feel competition more acutely with a little sister.

I was a little elated that Ava will have a sister closer to her in age than Meghan.

I am curious to see how another girl with our DNA will be – how will she look, what will she be like?  

So that's how I feel, but overall I feel that things are exactly as they should be and we are luckier than any people rightly should be. But mostly I am really, really glad I got to have all these reactions now and not right after the baby arrived, if that makes sense?  I am glad we can prepare Ava (as much as one can) for the arrival of a little sister.  I am glad to have quickly moved on from whatever scant disappointment I felt to the wonder of being a mom to two girls (and a step mom to another). 

The rest of the ultrasound was relatively uneventful with the exception of the fact that they weren't able to see what they wanted to see with the baby's heart.  They were able to see all four chambers of the heart, but weren't able to see the blood flow.  The tech thought this was due in large part to the fact that the babe kept settling in under my belly button, obscuring the picture and it was still a little bit on the early side.  The perinatologist assured me she was not concerned in any way, but to provide a comprehensive medical evaluation, this is a requirement under her standard of care. So I have to go back early in December for one more look.  I think in my first pregnancy I would have said 'whoo-hoo! Another chance to see the baby!'  This go around, with all the anxiety produced around my advanced maternal age and subsequent testing I was really hoping for some resolution and conclusion at this appointment.  And yes, I realize in the grand scheme of things this is hardly a big deal.  But is my diary, so I will complain over petty things.  Where else would I do it?

As for names, I think we're going to stay open for awhile.  Right now I'd say Amelia is the leading contender.  I like the idea of two 'A' names, although I wouldn't have actively sought that out if I didn't like the name.  I like that Amelia is kind of an old fashioned name, it flows well with John's last name etc... It is only in the 100's somewhere on most popular baby names, so that makes me less concerned.  Although Ava was number 48 when we named her and is now number 9.  But we'll have to see.  There are a number of other names we both like and so many more out there we may not have even considered!

This weekend John worked much of the day Saturday, so I planned some outings for me and my girl.  We went to the library, Target, to lunch and then to see 'Happy Feet' along with every other family in America, apparently.  For the past month or so Ava has been asking for a princess sleeping bag.  I have no idea where this idea came from.  She will occasionally ask for things, but rarely repeats herself and she wouldn't budge off the princess sleeping bag.  I had intended to wait for Christmas, but while we were at Target she asked so nicely if today was the day she could get her princess sleeping bag that I totally caved.  It was $19.  Since then Ava will not sleep anywhere but in her sleeping bag on the floor.  Do I fight this?  She seems to be sleeping fine – falling asleep well, waking up at her usual time and so forth.  But it just doesn't seem like the best thing for her little body to be sleeping on the floor.  I have kind of come to the conclusion that fighting this battle will not end well and that maybe if I let it go she'll grow weary of sleeping on the floor.  But man does she love that sleeping bag!

While we were at Target Ava wanted to buy a present for Swab.  She seemed pretty pleased that Swab's a girl – you know, as much as a three year old can really wrap her mind around such things.  Her much beloved 'two' (her security blanket) was a gift from someone who bought it at Target.  Every time we go there she really enjoys looking at 'new two.'  So, of course, she had to get a 'new two' for Swab. I thought it was very sweet.  I think she was a little worried that we might ask her to share her two with the baby, because she seemed relieved that the baby would have its own new two that looked just like hers, but she gets to keep hers. 

Another interesting thing that happened this weekend is that I had a random encounter with a guy I used to date, like 100 years ago.  We were never particularly well matched, but somehow never could seem to just break up.  We fought a lot.  We weren't terribly nice to each other, even from the beginning.  I will say of my 'significant' romantic relationships that is the only one that truly left a sour taste in my mouth.  The rest, with time, I have come to appreciate for the things they taught me.  I've been able to see that I knew and cared for some fine men who just weren't the right ones for me.  But for some reason with him I just feel kind of bitter.  I think mostly because we really didn't bring out the best in each other and I let him confirm all my worst fears about myself for way too long. 

Sunday John and I took Ava to Costco and as we were walking through the store I saw him, his wife and daughter.  And totally pretended like I didn't see him, didn't acknowledge him in any way. How juvenile?! There's no way he didn't see us.  We have some superficially similar friends, so I have stayed somewhat aware of what he's been up to in the 10 years it's been since I've spoken to him.  I didn't say anything to John, but I did start asking him if I looked pregnant or just like I'd gained 10 lbs in a really funny way.  While my bump is obvious to me it is not always totally obvious to the world because I still get funny looks and uncertainty when I tell people I am 19 weeks pregnant!  I just felt ridiculous about the whole thing and frankly hope nothing like that happens again.

On the homefront we (I) are still struggling with John's job transition.  I feel like I am repeating the same tired complaints over and over.  More and more of the house stuff is falling to me, much of the Ava care is falling to me, I am pregnant, I have a full time job and I just feel like I am on duty all the time.  I don't like what its doing to my attitude and general tone toward our home life.  But everytime I vow to be better it seems we (I) backslide into the same, tired complaints.  Meghan came home a week or so ago to make sugar cookies for an event she had.  She left a bit of a mess in the kitchen, which kind of annoyed me.  I cleaned most of it up, but left the 'big' stuff for John.  The cookie sheets, the Kitchen Aide etc...  That night he warmed up some soup in a small pot on the stove and told me 'don't worry, I'll take care of the rest of the stuff in the kitchen.'  I said 'oh, I'm not worried, this stuff will sit here until Christmas, I'm not cleaning it up.'  (nice tone, right?)  So it did indeed sit.  And sit.  And sit some more.  Three days with somewhat rotting food in the pan on the stove.  Three days with the electric blue frosting calcifying in the Kitchen Aide.  Three days with the cookie sheets.  But I was NOT going to clean them up.  Finally I couldn't stand it anymore, so I said something.  I nagged.  And he cleaned them up.  But somehow this is a metaphor for the way things seem to be right now.  I feel annoyed, put upon and so forth.  And he is sort of oblivious.  Making promises he isn't keeping very well.  Not communicating and waiting until I say something to step up and do what he should have done from the start. 

I don't want to spend too much time complaining about my husband, who I adore.  We are celebrating our six year wedding anniversary this weekend, which seems amazing. I love him and our life together has been terrific.  But we aren't in the best part of our love story right now and I hope we can shake loose of  our current doldrums and do better by each other.

To leave this entry on a higher note, we are celebrating Thanksgiving with good, good friends of ours Thursday.  I love it.  We get to enjoy a nice meal, intimate and quite without all the bs of my large family gathering.  We'll stop in at my mega-family to do for dessert later, but get to enjoy much of the day in my favorite way.  I am looking forward to it and, despite some of my complaining I really do feel blessed beyond all ability to capture in words my good fortune.

Thanks for reading—

--Kate