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Maybe a cluttered house does mean a cluttered mind!

October 12, 2006

Tuesday morning Ava was still snoozing at 7am (a little late for her). John needed to leave by 7:30am to take her to child care and get to work and Ava's morning routine is very, very important to her. Wake up, breakfast, cereal lined up in a 'fort' in front of her, potty, Dora, get dressed and leave. I went upstairs to wake her up and she was kind of rustling around, but still mostly asleep. I rubbed her hair and kissed her forehead saying 'Buenos Dias Patito.' She opened her eyes and gave me a huge, sleepy smile and said, "Momma! I love you so, so much!" It was one of those moments when I knew for certain I was meant to be a mom. Her mom. The memory of her sweet face, sleepy warm body and chirpy little voice in that moment are warming me to my toes even now, several days later, as I write about it. How did I get so lucky? My second pregnancy has left me with a jumble of emotions and feelings about parenting another child. But my overriding feeling is just sheer astonishment that somehow I am being given the opportunity to do this again. Even now as I exit the first trimester (blessedly) I feel like it is a fragile gift I have to treat very carefully.

For a variety of reasons over the past couple of weeks it seems like I've been in a lot of people's houses. Friends, neighbors etc... Sometimes the events were planned, like parties or open houses. Other times it was a pop in because Ava was playing at a neighbors, I was dropping something off etc... I have started noticing how other people keep their houses, not from a judgmental perspective, but a curiosity perspective. During this pregnancy my nesting started almost immediately and one of the things that has just been under my skin is the 'order' in our house. I would probably describe John and I as a 'medium' on a scale of how clean and tidy we are. Certainly during the week mail stacks up, we are not super diligent about hanging up all our clothes. We will leave Ava's toys strewn about. Most nights we clean the kitchen before bed, but we have certainly been known to leave dirty dishes on the counter until the next morning. We both work full time and there are just some evenings it takes all we've got to get everyone fed, bathed and to bed. We pay a woman to clean our house twice a month, which is a wonderful luxury. Lately the clutter that accumulates and doesn't always get straightened is starting to grate on me. With John working so much more in his new job the bulk of the 'house' stuff is falling to me. (That's another thing I may or may not write about right now) And I just can't keep up with all of it, even with a person cleaning my house. I can do the really obvious stuff, but there are things like our bakers rack that is just a jumble of cookbooks, pieces of paper, stray items we're not really sure what to do with that seem to get and look worse by the day.

I was at a friend's house for a play date this past weekend and her house was immaculate. And not just in a 'company's coming over' way. I mean, looking around, there wasn't a thing out of place. Her spices on her bakers rack were arranged alphabetically, facing forward. There was a basket for mail, for keys... All of her child's toys had labeled bins. There was absolutely not one speck of clutter anywhere in the house. She and her husband both work full time. They have two children. She doesn't have a housekeeper and her house was probably twice as clean as mine. (I'll give you an example. Maybe two weeks ago Ava smudged ketchup on the back of one of our kitchen chairs. I cleaned it off, but apparently too hastily because I noticed this weekend there are some calcified smears of it still there. Have I done anything about it? No.) When I walked back into my own house later that day I just felt like there was sh*t everywhere.

A day or so later I popped into a neighbor's house because Ava was there playing with her children. I was so relieved to see a few dirty dishes on the counter, some toys strewn about, a pile of mail.... I took Ava to use the restroom and passed a bedroom where the bed was unmade and some dirty clothes were on the floor. I notice these things without an ounce of judgment because on any given day an identical scene would be visible at our house. So my inner conflict is.... I want to live like my immaculate friend, but I just don't seem to have the energy or inclination to get it done. I wonder how on Earth she keeps up? Is she just exhausted? Her commute, her schedule etc... are roughly the same as mine. Same number of hours in a day. How does she do it? John and I moved into our house a little over five years ago. It was new construction, so we painted everything, bought new curtains etc... This was just a few months after we married. In my sudden obsession with the appearance of my house I was noticing how the walls are looking smudged, dinged etc... Our curtains are showing their age. Our towels (kitchen and bath) that were all wedding presents are looking very shabby. Usually I work very hard at being satisfied and content with where I am, how things are.... I am certainly not always successful. Lately it seems that everywhere I look I see a project or something that needs replaced that we don't necessarily have the money for... And it just makes me feel tired and bothered. Can I blame it on the hormones?

I want to take a moment to brag on my sweet girl. I know every parent thinks their child is a genius and I am no exception. She is just so clever. Her child care center has a pre-school program that begins in earnest when a child starts in the three year old room. Ava has embraced the preschool program so enthusiastically and is really exceeding all expectations for a child her age. She is particularly interested in letters and the sounds they make. Many days she provides a running commentary that goes something like this... "Momma, that's a green truck. What does truck start with? Let's sound it out. Teh, Teh, Teh...It starts with T. What else starts with T?" It is exhausting and refreshing all at once. She is very interested in being able to write letters, but struggles a bit with the motor skill aspect of it... I think. She can sit with me for hours practicing her letters and never, ever get tired of it, but she needs me (or another adult) to guide the process. She will want to write a T and will ask for help. So I will tell her to draw one line straight up and down. They will show her where to place her marker or crayon to draw a line straight across. We've done this enough with her name (which isn't terribly tricky) that she is able to write it by herself.

She will also have us write out in columns loved ones names... Mommma, Daddy, Papa Ray, Grandma Jo, Grandma Marilyn , Meghan, Lane, Ava etc... They she will spend a great deal of time finding letters that are the same. "Look Momma, your name, Daddy's name, my name...everyone's name has an A!" And so on. I just find this all so amazing and think she is clearly headed for an ivy league school! J And then John reminds me she still poops in her pants! She can write her name but hasn't made an inch of progress toward popping in the potty.

The other night we stopped at the library to check out some books and Ava picked out the ones she wanted. (They were all the ones on the end caps) In the car on the way home she was taking the books and identifying all the letters on the front cover. It seems like just moments ago she was babbling and crawling, a baby. John and I are both big readers and we have read to Ava from the moment she arrived. I am certain this is part of what sparks her interest. It makes me wonder what the next baby will embrace? How much is nature vs nurture? Meghan and Lane have quite a few similarities, but some very, very significant differences. Same gene pool, born only 13 months apart, similar experiences but radically different personalities. Life is quite a wonder.

How soon do you think it is possible to feel a second baby move? Last night I was lying on the couch while John gave Ava a bath. I would have sworn to you that I felt the baby flutter by. I am knocking on the door of 14 weeks and I didn't feel Ava move until week 20. I haven't felt anything since, so maybe it was just gas or digestive rumblings. But I don't think so. I have an ob appointment tomorrow (Friday) so I may ask to see what they think. I also need to ask about the trouble I've been having in the whole, ahem, BM department. Terrible. I don't remember this with Ava at all. I am taking fiber supplements each day, eating apples and whole grain breads and cereals, drinking lots and lots of water. Nothing, nada, awful, uncomfortable. What is the deal?!

I am reading Elizabeth Edward's book, Saving Graces, right now and it is a wonderful read. I am about halfway through the book and can tell you, so far, it is has not been political at all. So far it is really the story of she and her husband coped with the loss of their oldest son in a car accident. It is so honest and raw at times that it lingers with me. Her discussion of her faith and the role of her faith in her grieving and road to healing are so thoughtful. I presume later in the book she will also address her breast cancer diagnosis and treatment, which so far she has only touched on briefly. Even if you are apolitical or a Republican I think you will find it a very, very compelling read. I have met Senator Edwards and his wife on a number of occasions (an advantage of being politically active in a state like Iowa) and have been so impressed by them. So I came to this book with a pretty favorable impression, but I wasn't prepared for the degree of empathy I would feel for their grief. And how impressed I would be by her courage to tell her story, to write about her experience.

I think I'll wrap up for now. I am still taking suggestions for a good baby sling and a stroller or infant travel system. A good friend recently asked me why I got rid of all of that stuff. I laughed and said "Because I didn't think I was having any more babies!" Honestly, I am really glad that people who needed it got good use from it, that it didn't sit gathering dust in my basement for four years while I pondered another child. But all we have of the 'baby' stuff is a crib and changing table. No infant carrier, no bouncy seat, no exersaucer, no swing, no activity mat... Items I would really list as 'essentials' from Ava's babyhood! And how terrible is it that I really want the Bugaboo stroller???!!!

Thanks for reading—

--Kate

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Kate's Diary Entries

Maybe a cluttered house does mean a cluttered mind!

October 12, 2006

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