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Some big news...

August 10, 2006

...I'm pregnant.

I decided to put that right at the top in case you don't want to read all the stuff I'm about to write about how we got here, how I found out etc... 

For the handful of you who have been following along with me here at iParenting, you might remember me writing about my musings of having a second child.  For the longest time I was certain John and I would have just Ava.  He has two children from a previous marriage and I am very invested in their lives.  In all our conversations about having children before we married and when we began trying to get pregnant the first time we always talked about it in the context of having just one child together.  A little over a year ago I was moving things around in Ava's room as we transitioned her from her crib to her big girl bed.  I was sorting through her baby clothes, putting them in boxes – one to keep, one to give to a close friend or sister, one to donate.  When I told John about this I burst into tears.  He asked 'Do you want another baby?'  and I responded, honestly, 'maybe.  But I thought you were done...'  He told me he wanted me to have the life I wanted and if I wanted another baby then that was just fine with him.

Yet somehow, for the next year, I found myself in the Walgreens drive through, refilling my prescription for birth control pills.  Just having the door open to another child felt good, but I didn't feel ready to take the leap.  Having always 'blamed' (I don't like that word) John for the fact that we weren't going to have any more children had never really allowed me to think much about how I felt about it.  And while I liked the idea, I just didn't feel ready for all kinds of reasons. 

John and I didn't talk about it much, but I thought about it a lot.  In June the topic resurfaced.  John said if we were going to do this, we needed to do it...  I'm not getting any younger (I'm 34), he's not getting any younger (he's 43), there's never a 'right' time, why didn't I just go off the pill and see what happens?  And so I in June, I drove right by Walgreens and did not re-fill my prescription.  No fan fare, no long conversation, no planning.  It felt really good.  When I was trying to get pregnant the first time it took a long (for me) 14 months.  The temping, the waiting, the frustration, the lack of spontaneity.  It was terrible.  I committed, mostly to myself, that this time would be different.  If it happened, wonderful.  If it didn't, then it didn't – our family is a bigger blessing than I ever deserved. 

My first period off the pill came after a 21 day cycle.  Knowing how long it took for us to get pregnant the first time, it barely registered.   Last week I was expecting my period on Wednesday or Thursday.  My cycles have always been very regular, even when I am not taking the pill.  Wednesday came and went, Thursday came and went, no period.  I was kind of crampy, but on Friday morning I decided to take a pregnancy test.  It was negative, despite the fact that it was one of those tests that says you can take it up to 4 days BEFORE you expect your period and that my period was technically at least 1 day late, the test was negative.  Saturday morning I woke to some spotting that stopped almost immediately.  And that was it.  I honestly thought this was all part of my body adapting to being off the pill.  So I enjoyed a lot of wine and good food over the weekend, I had a vigorous row Monday night and didn't really think about it again. 

So last night (August 9 ^th) I met some girlfriends for a glass of wine after work.  I sat in the bar, sipping my pinot and it didn't taste right.  I asked my friend to take a sip and she said it was just fine.  I'm wearing a suit I've probably worn 2-3 times per month for the past two years, but I am absolutely busting out of the pants.  So much so that when I got in the car I unbuttoned and unzipped them for some relief.  I went to the grocery store to pick up some things for dinner and when I walked by the meat counter I literally gagged from the smell.  Then all of the sudden the light bulb goes off above my head – could I be pregnant?  I started thinking about how thirsty I had been over the past couple of days.  (But its hot) And thought about the stupid blemish on my cheek and how oily my skin has been.  (But its hot)  How I never really got my period.  (But I spotted) And about that stupid negative test. 

Driving home with Ava I decided to take a test (the test I purchased Friday had two tests in the box) when I get home.  But I'm feeling kind of stupid about it.  Telling myself I'm exaggerating my symptoms.  That I took a test already and it was negative.  I cautioned myself not to fall back into the bordering-on-obsessive mindset I had when I was trying to get pregnant with Ava.  I think I single handedly kept the drug store in business with all the pg tests I bought over that 14 months!  But I peed on the stick and the + sign showed up in the little window before I even had my pants zipped.  And all I could think was holy sh*t.  John arrived home about 15 minutes later.  I sat him down immediately and told him and his reaction?  "I knew it."  He was very happy, we hugged and kissed.  He made all the usual comments about his impressive fertility and sending this little one to college in his 60's...  So here we are.

I called my doctor this morning to schedule my first prenatal appointment.  I am, again, surprised by how completely underwhelmed they are by my news.  Ho hum.  "We have one nurse that schedules ob work ups.  She'll get back to you sometime this week."  I did ask to speak to my regular ob's (the doctor who delivered Ava) nurse to ask about continuing to row.  Basically she said it was generally accepted that pregnant women should avoid lifting over 25 pounds (Ava weighs 32 pounds), but that it was safe to continue normal activity as long as it was comfortable.  I have trained for rowing for years and work out very consistently, so I am not really worried about continuing to row for awhile at least.  It is really hard work and part of rowing is carrying the boat.  And I know for certain my share of that heavy boat is more than 25 pounds.  We'll see how it feels.  According to the internet due date calculator my due date would be April 13th and I am 5 weeks pregnant.  I believe it is probably close to there, but my cycle hadn't really established any sort of pattern so that might be enough to talk my ob into an ultrasound so I can get a peek at the little one.

One part of me feels completely overwhelmed and scared.  Another feels pretty calm and peaceful.  But if you feel like 'talking to me', tell me how having a second child was the best thing you ever did.  Tell me the red wine I've been drinking this past week won't cause any lasting damage.  Tell me the alleve I took after our row on Monday for my sore back isn't going to cause big problems.  Because if worrying were an Olympic sport I'd medal for sure. 

Last night as I was laying in bed I kind of cupped my hand around my bloated belly and said 'be well little one.'  I've repeated those words in my head 100 times since.  I know s/he is about the size of a speck of dust, but s/he is the best surprise I've had.

Thanks for reading—

--Kate